Hugi.is - Notendur

Dance With Me (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

Two men at a bar had been enjoying a few drinks for the past couple of hours and were pretty drunk when one of them notices a beautiful woman sitting in the corner. One says to the other, “Jeez, I'd really like to dance with that girl.” The other man replies, “Well go ahead and ask her, don't be a chicken shit.” So the man approaches the lovely woman and says, “Excuse me. Would you be so kind as to dance with me?” Seeing the man is totally drunk the woman says, “I'm sorry. Right now I'm...

Justification (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

A pissed-off wife was complaining about her husband spending all his time at the pub, so one night he took her along with him. “What'll ya have?” he asked. “Oh, I don't know. The same as you I suppose,” she replied. So the husband ordered a couple of Jack Daniel's and threw his down in one go.His wife watched him, then took a sip from her glass and immediately spat it out. “Yuck, it's bloody shit!” she spluttered. “I don't know how you can drink this stuff!” “Well, there you go,” cried the...

Message for the Manager (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard which is full and bushy. “Are you the manager?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.“ ”Actually, no“ he replies. ”Can you get him for me - I need to speak to him?“ she asks, running her hands up beyond his...

New Bar (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign over the bar which reads : Cheese sandwich $2 Ham sandwich $3 Hand-job $10 He checks his wallet, then approaches the gorgeous barmaid. “Are you the one who gives the hand-jobs” he asks. “Yes” she says with a smile. “Well wash your fucking hands and make me a cheese sandwich” ****************************************************************************************** I do what I do, I am who I am, if you don´t like it……PISS OFF -psycho 2001...

Actual Signs (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

* At a Santa Fe gas station: We will sell gasoline to anyone in a glass container. * On the wall of a Baltimore estate: Trespassers will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law. - Sisters of Mercy * In a Los Angeles dance hall: Good clean dancing every night but Sunday. * On a Maine shop: Our motto is to give our customers the lowest possible prices and workmanship. * On a display of “I love you only” Valentine cards: Now available in multi-packs. * In the window of a Kentucky appliance...

Got Time? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

RICHARD NIXON, JIMMY CARTER, AND BILL CLINTON are on the Titanic. When it starts to sink CARTER yells, “Quick, save the women and children!” NIXON: “Screw the women and children.” CLINTON: “Do we have time?” ****************************************************************************************** I do what I do, I am who I am, if you don´t like it……PISS OFF -psycho 2001 líttu á heima síðuna mína <a href="http://kasmir.hugi.is/psycho“ target=”_blank“>hér</a> skrifaðu mér...

A Christmas Story (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

'Twas the night before Christmas, When all through the house, The whole damn family was as drunk as a louse. Grandma and Grandpa were singin' a song, And the kid was in bed, floggin' his dong. Ma home from the cathouse, And I out of jail, We had just settled down for a good piece of tail. When out on the lawn, Arose such a clatter, I sprang off Ma to see what the hell was a matter. Away to the window, I made a mad dash, Flew open the shutters and fell on my ass. But what to my bloodshot eyes...

Complaints Of Modern Day Vampires (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

* Grunge look makes it tough to tell living from the undead. * NutraSweet or not, fat-free blood tastes like crap. * Hard to get a decent puncture with latex on your fangs. * Three Words: Daylight Savings Time * Can't enjoy a meal at Burger King without some redneck yelling, “Look Ma! It's Elvis!” * After 45 years of Communist rule, it's impossible to find clean, uncontaminated Transylvanian soil for bottom of coffin. * After 100 years of trying, still can't score with Elvira. * No bat is...

Latex Factory (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he's shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise. “The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,” explains the guide. “The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.” Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where condoms are manufactured. The machine makes a noise: ‘Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. Hiss-pop!’ “Wait a...

Overworked (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

For a couple years I've been blaming it on lack of sleep and too much pressure from my job, but now I found out the real reason: I'm tired because I'm overworked. The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school,which leaves 48 million to do the work Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government, leaving 19 million to do the work. 2.8 million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves...

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

ELEMENT: Women SYMBOL: Wo DISCOVERER: Adam ATOMIC MASS: Accepted at 53.6kg, but known to vary from 40 - 200kg. OCCURRENCES: Copious quantities in all urban areas. PHYSICAL PROPERTIES: Surface usually covered in painted film. Boils at nothing, freezes without known reason. Melts if given special treatment. Bitter if used incorrectly. Found in various states from virgin metal to common ore. Yields if pressure applied in correct places. CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: Has greet affinity for gold, silver...

Revenge Against Telemarketers (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

Having fun with telemarketers… 1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, “How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?” 2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes...

Contract For A Wife (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

I, the undersigned, a female accepting a marriage proposal, agree that… Section 1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you've drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five whole minutes, wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake one. Section 1.01. And it'll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like “So this is what hot monkey love is all about!” and howling like a cat that's being repeatedly jabbed with a pin. Section 1.02. I will...

Elderly Newlyweds (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

From Cookie There's this couple. He's 87 and she's 86 years old. They just got married and are on their honeymoon. In the hotel room, she slips into something sexy and crawls into bed and waits for her new groom. He's in the bathroom sprucing himself up. She waits.. and waits.. ‘til she can’t wait any longer. She gets up and goes to the bathroom and opens the door. Peering in she sees him bent over on the toilet trying to put on a condom. She giggles, “Honey, what are you doing? I'm 86 years...

Ironing Out The Wrinkles (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

A man goes to Frederick's of Hollywood. He wants to buy his wife the most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the counter goes and gets an outfit. “This is $200,” she says. “I want one that's more sheer,” says he. “This one is $350.” “I want it even more sheer than that.” “This one is the most sheer that we have. It's $500.” “I'll take it!” The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, “Go put this on and come down to model it for me.” His wife goes upstairs, opens the...

Forced Retirement (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an early retirement bonus. They promised any general who retired right away, his full annual benefits PLUS $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line along the retiring general's body between any two points he chose. The first general accepted. He asked the pension man to measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. 6 feet. He walked out with a check for $720,000. The second general asked them to measure...

Taking Up A Collection (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, “Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothing's even moving.” He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, “Excuse me officer, what's the hold up?” The officer replies, “The President just found out he was impeached and he's all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and he's threatening to...

Unwanted Advances (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

First Lady Hillary Clinton and Attorney General Janet Reno were having one of those girl to girl talks. Hillary says to Janet, “You're lucky that you don't have to put up with men having sex with you. I have to put up with Bill, and there is no telling where he last had his pecker.” Janet responded, “Just because I am esthetically challenged (that's ”politically correct“ for ugly) doesn't mean I don't have to fight off unwelcome sexual advances.” Hillary asks, “Well how do you deal with the...

Alien Sex (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

One afternoon a ‘alien spacecraft’ landed in a farmers yard. Out of the spacecraft stepped a male and female alien. The farmer and his wife introduced themselves and invited the aliens in for supper. When supper was over the aliens explained that where they come from and are treated as nice as they were today, the couples switch partners for the entire night. The farmer and his wife agreed and each couple went to seperate bedrooms for the night. Now in the farmers wife bedroom, she was...

'Twas The Night Before Finals (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

'Twas the night before finals, And all through the college, The students were praying For last-minute knowledge. Most were quite sleepy, But none touched their beds, While visions of essays Danced in their heads. Out in the taverns, A few were still drinking, And hoping that liquor Would loosen their thinking In my own room, I had been pacing, And dreading exams I soon would be facing. My roommate was speechless, His nose in his book, And my comments to him Drew unfriendly looks. I drained...

Drinking and Driving (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

From the State where drink driving is considered sport, comes a true story from the Sunshine coast, Queensland. Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk. The man stumbled around the carpark for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he...

Santa's Little Friend (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, “What would you like for Christmas?” The kid says, “A damn swingset.” Santa says, “You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?” The kid says, “A damn sandbox for the side yard.” Santa says, “That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?” The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, “I want a damn trampoline in the front yard.”...

Virus Alert----Work (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

There is a new virus going around, called “work”. If you receive any sort of “work” at all, whether via email, internet or simply handed to you by a colleague ….. DO NOT OPEN IT. Work has been circulating around our building for months and those who have been tempted to open “work” or even look at “work” have found that their social life is deleted and their brain ceases to function properly. If you do encounter “work” via email or are faced with any “work” at all, then to purge the virus,...

Wide Stance (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

A woman golfer suffers a nasty bee sting and leaves the course to go see her doctor about it. “What happened?” asked the doctor. “I got stung between the first and second hole,” replied the lady golfer. The doctor replied, “You must have an awfully wide stance!” ****************************************************************************************** I do what I do, I am who I am, if you don´t like it……PISS OFF -psycho 2001 líttu á heima síðuna mína <a...

Kistulagnig (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum

Vinirnir þrír, Friðþjófur, Guðmundur og Jónas dóu allir í hörmulegu bílslysi og fóru til himna. Þar voru þeir teknir á kynningarnámskeið og ein spurning sem þeir fengu allir var „Þegar kistulagningin fer fram og allir ættingjar ykkar og vinir eru samankomnir til að kveðja ykkur, hvað vilduð þið að þeir segðu um ykkur?“ Friðþjófur var fyrstur til að svara og sagði „Ég vildi að þeir segðu hversu frábær og nærgætinn læknir ég hefði verið og að ég hefði verið góður og umhyggjusamur...

Notendur

Dance With Me (0 álit)

Justification (0 álit)

Message for the Manager (0 álit)

New Bar (0 álit)

Actual Signs (0 álit)

Got Time? (0 álit)

A Christmas Story (0 álit)

Complaints Of Modern Day Vampires (0 álit)

Latex Factory (0 álit)

Overworked (0 álit)

HAZARDOUS MATERIALS INFORMATION SHEET (0 álit)

Revenge Against Telemarketers (0 álit)

Contract For A Wife (0 álit)

Elderly Newlyweds (0 álit)

Ironing Out The Wrinkles (0 álit)

Forced Retirement (0 álit)

Taking Up A Collection (0 álit)

Unwanted Advances (0 álit)

Alien Sex (0 álit)

'Twas The Night Before Finals (0 álit)

Drinking and Driving (0 álit)

Santa's Little Friend (0 álit)

Virus Alert----Work (0 álit)

Wide Stance (0 álit)

Kistulagnig (0 álit)

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