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psycho
psycho Notandi frá fornöld 44 ára karlmaður
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Sister Maria (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
Mother Superior: “Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?” Sister Maria: “I would lift my habit, mother Superior.” Mother Superior (shocked): “And what would you do next?” Sister Maria: “I would tell him to drop his pants.” Mother Superior: (even more shocked) “And what then?” Sister Maria: “I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down.”...

seven dwarfs in Rome (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church, and in particular, nuns. “Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?” “No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall.” “Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?” “I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?”...

When people buy a dog (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
When people buy a dog, they usually name him something like Rover or Bowser. Well I chose to name my dog “Sex”. But lately Sex has been a little embarassing to me. I remember one day I took Sex to City Hall to get a license for him. I wentup to the clerk and said “I would like to have a license for Sex”. He said he would like to have one too. I said “You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was nine years old”. He said I must have been quite a kid. Last year they were auditioning dogs for...

For the benefit of (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
(For the benefit of non-UK readers a quid is slang for a pound sterling. U.S. readers replace it with “10 bucks”) The local priest was strolling down the High Street late in the evening when suddenly a young lady of the night pops out of a shop doorway. “Hello Father”, she says, “Fancy a quicky for 10 quid?”. “My dear child”, says the priest, “I've no idea what you mean. Please leave me alone.” A little further on up the street and another woman appears out the darkness. “Hello Father”, she...

young lady (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
This young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot. The guy behind the counter says that he only has one and that it's a real “smart-ass”, with a vulgar vocabulary and rude temperment. The woman says “thats OK I know how to handle assholes like that, I want the parrot anyhow”. So the woman gets the bird home puts it in her room, and starts to get ready for bed. Just as she gets her slacks off the parrot says: “AWK… NICE LEGS BABY” Well the the woman isn't gonna take this shit so she...

What can't a computer do? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
One day, Jeffery complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a Doctor.” His friend offered, “Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.” Jeffery figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding...

20 "Góðar" ástæður hversvegna bjór er betri en kon (17 álit)

í Djammið fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
1. Þú getur notið bjórsins allan mánuðinn. 2. Bjórblettur þvæst úr. 3. Bjórinn bíður þolinmóður eftir þér í bílnum meðan þú leikur fótbolta. 4. Ef bjórinn verður flatur, þá hendir maður honum bara. 5. Bjór er aldrei of seinn. 6. Bjór verður ekki afbrýðisamur þótt þú náir í annan. 7. Timburmenn hverfa. 8. Þú getur tekið bjórinn úr umbúðunum án mótbára. 9. Þegar þú ferð á bar getur þú alltaf náð þér í bjór. 10. Bjór er aldrei með hausverk. 11. Þegar þú ert búinn með bjórinn, getur þú selt...

20 "Góðar" ástæður hversvegna bjór er betri en kona (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
1. Þú getur notið bjórsins allan mánuðinn. 2. Bjórblettur þvæst úr. 3. Bjórinn bíður þolinmóður eftir þér í bílnum meðan þú leikur fótbolta. 4. Ef bjórinn verður flatur, þá hendir maður honum bara. 5. Bjór er aldrei of seinn. 6. Bjór verður ekki afbrýðisamur þótt þú náir í annan. 7. Timburmenn hverfa. 8. Þú getur tekið bjórinn úr umbúðunum án mótbára. 9. Þegar þú ferð á bar getur þú alltaf náð þér í bjór. 10. Bjór er aldrei með hausverk. 11. Þegar þú ert búinn með bjórinn, getur þú selt...

nokrir góðir (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
Tvær konur voru við staddar jarðaför konu sem hafði verið gift 8 sinum. “Loksins eru þau saman” sagði önnur þeirra. “Hvaða eiginmann ertu að tala um?” spurði hin. “Enginn af þeim ég er að tala um lærin á henni” Kaftein nokkur og nokkrir úr áhöfn hans voru að koma aftur til skips eftir að hafa verið að skemmta sér. (þeir eru í bandaríska flotanum) Þegar þeir voru á liðinni upp landganginn þá ælir kafteinninn yfir sjálfan sig. Hann bendir á þann sem gengur fyrir framan hann og segir: “Gefið...

Ljósku brandarar 3 (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
Hvers vegna er ljóska eins og járnbrauta teinar? Vegna þess að hún hefur verið lögð út um allt. Afhverju eiga ljóskur erfitt með að fá fullnægingu? Hverjum er ekki sama. Hvernig kemurðu einhentri ljósku niður úr tré? Þú veifar til hennar. Hvernig athugarðu greindarvísitölu ljósku? Með loft mæli. Hvernig færðu ljósku til að fara úr öllum fötunum? Þú biður hana um það. Afhverju verkjar ljóskur undan orðum fólks? Vegna þess að fólk er alltaf að henda í þær orðabókum. Afhverju fara ljóskur á...

Ljósku brandarar 2 (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
Læknirinn: “Taktu þessar pillu þrisvar á dag.” Ljóskan: “Hvernig get ég tekið sömu pilluna oftar en einusinni?” Læknirinn: “Er hóstinn orðin betri?” Ljóskan: “Já ég er búinn að æfa mig í alla nótt.” Hvernig veit ljóskan að mamma hennar er á túr? Typpið á bróður hennar hefur blóðbragð. Hvað færðu ef þú blandar saman ljósku og apa? Vangefin apa. Hvað kallarðu ljósku sem getur sogið gólfkúlu í gegnum 50m langa garð slöngu. “Elskan” Hvað tekur það markar ljóskur til að skipta um ljósaperu? Enga...

Ljósku brandarar (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
Afhverju tala ljóskur ekki þegar á kynlífi stendur? Mömmur þeirra sögðu þeim að tala ekki við ókunuga og mömmur þeirra sögðu þeim að tala ekki með fullan muninn Af hverju tvöfalda ljóskur ekki uppskriftir? Vegna þess að ofninn kemst ekki hærra en 350°c Varstu búinn að heyra um Ljóshærða úlfinn? Hann festist í gildru, og nagaði af sér 3 lappir og var samt fastur. Hvað gerist ef þú klífur haus á ljósku? Ekki neitt. VARÚÐ! Ef gert þá gæti loftþrýstingurinn sprengt alla glugga í herberginu út....

Notice to Alaskan Tourist (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
Notice to Alaskan Tourist: In Alaska, tourists are warned to wear tiny bells on their clothing when hiking in bear country. The bells alert the bears and warns away most of them. Tourists are also cautioned to watch the ground on the trail, paying particular attention to bear droppings in order to be alert for the presence of bears. One can tell a Grizzly bear dropping because it has tiny bells in it. THANK YOU US Forest Service...

Does your dog bite? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
There was a hound dog laying in the yard. An old man in overalls was sitting on the porch. “Excuse me, sir, but does your dog bite?” the tourist asked. The old man replied, “Nope.” So the tourist stepped out of his car. The dog ran over snarling and growling and bit him on his arms and legs. As the dog was dragging him away the tourist was flailing around in the dust and yelled, “I thought you said your dog didn't bite!” The old man replied, “Ain't my dog.”...

Sports Fishing (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
While sports fishing off the Florida coast, a tourist capsized his boat. He could swim, but his fear of alligators kept him clinging to the overturned craft. Spotting an old beachcomber standing on the shore, the tourist shouted, “Are there any gators around here?!” “Naw,” the man hollered back, “They ain't been around for years!” Feeling safe, the tourist started swimming leisurely toward the shore. About halfway there he asked the guy, “How'd you get rid of the gators?” “We didn't do...

Blonde Flight (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, “Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left.” Thirty minutes later the captain announced, “One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry. We can fly just fine on two engines.” An hour later the captain announced, “One more engine has...

The Solution (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
Two guys were taking Chemistry at the University of Alabama. They were doing well in the class and thought that going into the final they had a solid “A”. They were so confident that the weekend before finals week, they went to the University of Tennessee to party with some friends. They had a great time. However, with hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Alabama until early Monday morning, the day of the exam. Rather than taking the final then,...

Back Seat (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked at a “lovers point” where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her “Do you want to go in the back seat?” “NO!” she answered. Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, “Do you want to go in the back seat?” “NO!” she answers again. Now he...

What's It Cost? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: “The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.” He continued, “Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?” At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired:...

Exchange Student (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
EXCHANGE STUDENT At a local college, there was a dance. A guy from America asked a girl from Sweden to dance. While they were dancing, he gives her a little squeeze and says, “In America, we call this a hug.” She says, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a hug too.” A little later, he gives her a peck on the cheek, and says, “In America, we call this a kiss.” She says, “Yaah, in Sveden, we call it a kiss too.” Later that evening, after quite a few drinks, he takes her out on the campus lawn and...

What If Your Dog's Name Was Penis (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
Submitted by Melanie Did you ever stop to wonder what would happen if your dog's name was Penis? * My Penis ate my homework. * Oh, no! My Penis is frothing at the mouth! * Sorry I'm late. I was playing with my Penis. * I'm sorry, Officer. I didn't realize I had to keep my Penis on a leash. * My Penis doesn't come when I call it. * My Penis likes to crawl between the legs of guests. * I love giving my Penis a bath. * At night, I sleep with my Penis in my hands. * My Penis likes it when people...

Witch Is Which? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a whore house. When they arrived at the whorehouse, the Madame took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used “blow-up” dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking. The first man said, “I think the girl I had was dead....

Sex Limericks (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
LIMERICKS An epileptic young woman named Camp Was seduced on her couch by a tramp But the first time he squeezed her She had a Grand seizure And broke both his balls and a lamp. There once was a man from Montrass, Who had balls that were made of fine brass. In stormy weather, They both clanged together, And sparks flew out of his ass! There was a young girl from Hong Kong Whose cervical cap was a gong. She said with a yell, As a shot rang her bell, “I'll give you a ding for a dong!” A decent...

Weight Loss Program (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
A chubby bloke was reading the paper one day lamenting the fact that his doctor has ordered him to lose 75 pounds. Next thing he sees is an advertisement for a “Guaranteed” weight loss program. “Guaranteed like heck” he thinks to himself. “But let's see what they think they can do. He calls them on the phone and subscribes to the 3-day, 10-pound weight loss program. The next day there comes a knock at his door, and when he answers, there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic 19-year-old...

Applause (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 7 mánuðum
There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a plane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn't then the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, “I'll get off.” After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping....
Hugi notar vefkökur til að bæta notendaupplifun á vefsíðunni og greina umferð um hana. Einnig hefur Hugi uppfært persónuverndarstefnu sína. Skoðaðu stefnuna hér..
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