Hugi.is - Notendur

Is Anybody Home? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

Once, there was a man who was upset by his past deeds that he decided to visit a church and confess all of his sins. When he arrived at the church, he walked to the confession area and spoke to the pastor. “Father, I am sinful.” “Yes son, just tell me what have you done, the Lord will forgive you.” “Father, I have a steady relationship with my girlfriend. It's been 3 years and nothing serious ever happened between us. Yesterday, I visited her house and nobody was at home except for her...

Tell The Truth (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

A fellow came to a house with a red light burning in front, so he stepped inside. There was no one in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading “Over 35” and “Under 35.” He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said “Over 35.” He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read, “Over 8 inches” and “Under 8 inches.” Truthful again, he went through the “Under 8 inches” door and found himself in another empty hall, with two...

I KNOW!!!! (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

It was a last week of school and all Kelvin wanted to do was leave. The teacher said whoever answers a question I give them can leave. She asked who stated “ Four Score and Seven years ago” befor Kelvin could say it Kelly yelled Abe Lincoln. Kelly left. Then the teacher gave another question. Who said “ I have a dream” before Kelvin could answer Monica yelled out Martin Luther King jr. She left. The teacher asked one more question. Who said “Ask not what your country can do for you, but what...

Fruity Cannibals (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to gather fruit. The first one came back and said to the king, “ I brought ten apples. The king then explained the trial to him. You have to shove the fruits up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll...

The Bartender (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

This guy goes into a bar, says to the bartender, “I'll bet you 50 dollars I can bite my eye.” So the bartender, wanting to see this anyway, lays down 50 dollars. The guy takes out his glass eye and bites it. He then says, “OK, I'll give you another chance, I'll bet you 50 dollars I can bite my other eye.” So the bartender thinks, he can't have two glass eyes, and lays 50 more down on the bar. The guy then takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. The bartender is upset, so the guy...

The Drunk (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

There are guys drinking in a bar, when another man comes in and starts drinking at the bar. After a while he approaches the guys, and, pointing at the one in the middle, shouts, “I've screwed your mom!” The three guys look bewildered as man resumes drinking at the bar. Ten minutes later he comes back. “Your mom's sucked my pecker!” Same thing happens. Ten minutes later he announces, “I've had your mom up the ass!” The young guys have had enough, and the one in the middle stands up and...

You Might Be From Jersey If... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

* You don't understand why there aren't more 24-hour diners elsewhere in the country. * You know what a Wawa is, and know the location of at least 15 of them. * You think a mountain is that big freakin' hill in Atlantic Highlands. * You know Asbury Park is no longer the mecca of East Coast resort towns. * Even though there's a new Wal-Mart in your town, you still go to the Englishtown Auction for cheap stuff. * You can name all the flavors of salt water taffy. * Your car is covered with...

What's Your Name? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

The manager of a large office noticed a new man one day and told him to come into his office. “What's your name?” he asked the new guy. “John,” the new guy replied. The manager scowled, “Look… I don't know what kind of a namby-pamby place you worked before, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my employees by their last name only … Smith, Jones, Baker … That's all. I am to be referred to only as Mr....

Types Of Men You Might See In The Mens Room (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

* EXCITABLE: Shorts half twisted around, cannot find hole, rips shorts. * SOCIABLE: Joins friends in a piss whether he has to or not. * CROSS-EYED: Looks into next urinal to see how the other guy is fixed. * TIMID: Can't piss if someone's watching, flushes urinal, comes back later. * INDIFFERENT: All urinals being used, pisses in sink. * CLEVER: No hands, fixes tie, looks around and usually pisses on floor. * WORRIED: Not sure of where he has been lately, makes quick inspection. * FRIVOLOUS:...

how far? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

Three girls are caught on an island. A brunet, a red hear and a blond. There is a little row boat .The brunet decides to try and get off the island. She get a quater of the way there but can not go any further so she goes back. Then the red head does the same but makes it only just over a quater of the way and goes back as she is also tired. Last the blond goes further. She gets half way and is tired so she goes back.

Einu sinni ljóska ávallt ljóska (2 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

Það voru tvær ljóskur sem að ákváðu að leigja sér bát með gagnsæjum botni og fara í siglingu til að skoða kóralrifin í Karabíska hafinu. ljóskurnar fá bátinn og fara að skoða öll þessi fallegu kóralrif en síðan sjá þær fjársjóðskistu á botninum, í fyrstu vita þær ekki alveg hvað þær eiga að gera en síðan ákveður önnur að merkja staðinn með því að setja eitt stóóórt X á botninn á bátnum. Hin ljóskan verður alveg öskurill og segir: “mikið ógeðslega ertu heimsk þarna ljóskan þín, þeð er ekkert...

Hafnfirðingur hvað annað :) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

Hafnfirðingur nokkur fór til útlanda og fékk sér gistingu á góðu hóteli. –Heyrðu nú, sagði hann við vikapiltinn. - Þótt ég sé frá Hafnarfirði er ég ekki nógu vitlaus til að láta bjóða mér svona lítið herbegi! Þetta er varla stærra en kústaskápur! –Inn með þig góði, sagði vikapilturinn. Þetta er lyftan.

Charity Begins At Home (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?” The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and...

Just a little gas (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the Fathers noticed she was gaining a little weight. “Gaining a little weight are we sister Susan?”, he asked. “Oh no, Father. Just a little gas.” Sister Susan explained, matter-of-factly. A month or so later the Father noticed that she had gained even more weight. “Gaining some weight are we Sister Susan?”, he asked again. “Oh no, Father. Just a little gas.” She replied again. A few months later the Father noticed Sister Susan pushing a baby...

true story (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

(NOTE: This is a supposedly true story). A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send him flowers for the occasion. The flowers arrived at the new business sight and the owner read the card: “Rest in Peace.” The owner was very angry, to say the least, and called to complain.“ Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, and sorry you were offended,” said the florist. “But even worse, somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note...

whorehouse smells like (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves - the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, “Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!” The chief turned to his barber and said, “Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

Læknabrandari (1 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

Sjúklingur vitjar læknis og segir farir sínar ekki sléttar. Hann vanti eyru. Að nú þurfi að græða á hann eyru. Læknir kveðst ekkert geta gert og sjúklingur gengur lækna á milli án árangurs. Dag einn fréttir hann af kínverskum galdramanni sem framkvæmt geti allt milli himins og jarðar. Hann vitjar hans. “Nú er illt í efni. Mig vantar eyru,” segir sjúklingurinn. “Iss, ekkert mál,” segir læknirinn, “komdu kl. 10 í fyrramálið.” Sjúklingurinn mætir á tilskildum tíma og er þann dag allan í aðgerð....

það eina sem skiptir máli er að fara á leikin (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

It was a conference title game, and the sportscaster had mentioned several times that the place had been sold out long before game time. As he called the play-by-play, however, he kept noticing a single empty seat directly below his booth. The empty seat was bothering him, so he sent an assistant downstairs to find out what was going on. “Pardon me, sir,” the assistant said to the man sitting next to the seat. “Do you happen to know why this seat is empty?” “Yeah. It's my wife's seat.” “And...

Some adults still live by these rules (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

Some adults still live by these rules!) If I like it, it's mine! If it's in my hand, it's mine! If I can take it from you, it's mine. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine! If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way. If I'm doing or building something, all of the pieces are mine! If I saw it first, it's mine! If it looks like mine, it's mine! If I saw it first, it's mine! If you are playing with something and put it down, it becomes mine! If it's broken, it's yours!

sex problem (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

This guy visits the doctors and says, “Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore.” The doctor says, “Come back tomorrow and bring her with you.” The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, “Take off your clothes and lie on the table.” She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, “You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either.”

Limurinn vill launahækkun (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

Ég, limurinn, óska hér með eftir kauphækkun vegna neðangreindra ástæðna: - Ég stunda líkamlega starf. - Ég fer langar leiðir. - Ég sting hausnum fyrst í allt sem ég geri. - Ég fæ ekki frí um helgar og helgidaga. - Ég starfa í votu umhverfi. - Ég fæ ekki launaða yfirvinnu. - Vinnuaðstaðan mín er dimm og hefur slæma loftræstingu. - Ég starfa í háum hita. - Starf mitt setur mig í smithættu sjúkdóma. Kæri limur. Eftir að hafa skoðað beiðni þína til hlýtar og þau rök sem þú settir fram, hefur...

About Cats & Dogs (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

About Cats & Dogs What is a cat? - Cats do what they want. - They rarely listen to you. - They are totally unpredictable. - When you want to play, they want to be alone. - When you want to be alone, they want to play. - They expect you to cater to their every whim. - They are moody. - They leave hair everywhere. - They drive you nuts and cost an arm and a leg. Conclusion: They are tiny women in fur coats. What is a dog? - Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of...

Golf in Heaven (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

“Golf in Heaven” Moses, Jesus and some ‘ol geezer were going to play a round of golf. Moses teed off, the ball went right into the pond. “No problem!” he said. Moses walked over, parted the water, and hit the ball again. This time it landed about one foot from the hole. Jesus then teed off and the ball went flying off to the left, hit a tree, then miraculously bounced within about six inches of the hole. The ’ol geezer stepped up and teed off. As the ball headed right for the pond, a huge...

The Lone Ranger and Tonto (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

The Lone Ranger and Tonto are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, The Lone Ranger wakes his faithful friend. “Tonto, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.” Tonto replies, “Me see millions of stars.” “What does that tell you?” asks The Lone Ranger. Tonto ponders for a minute. “Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise,...

þetta væri gaman að prófa :) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 23 árum, 6 mánuðum

Nr.1 Hrópaðu hátt og klappaðu um leið og einhver rífur þögnina! Nr.2 Láttu glerkúlu detta á gólfið og segðu: “Gleraugað mitt…”! Nr.3 Segðu: “Hmmm ég hef aldrei séð þennann lit áður”! Nr.4 Segðu: “Nei hvernig komst þetta hingað?”! Nr.5 Reyndu að stynja og rynja í 30sek og láttu síðan melónu detta í klósettið úr þriggja metra hæð og öskr síðan af feginleika! Nr.6 Segðu: “Nei bara fleiri stangir en kúlur í dag”! Nr. 7 Segðu: “Nei en skrítið fleiri sokknir en á floti”!

Notendur

Is Anybody Home? (0 álit)

Tell The Truth (0 álit)

I KNOW!!!! (0 álit)

Fruity Cannibals (0 álit)

The Bartender (0 álit)

The Drunk (0 álit)

You Might Be From Jersey If... (0 álit)

What's Your Name? (0 álit)

Types Of Men You Might See In The Mens Room (0 álit)

how far? (0 álit)

Einu sinni ljóska ávallt ljóska (2 álit)

Hafnfirðingur hvað annað :) (0 álit)

Charity Begins At Home (0 álit)

Just a little gas (0 álit)

true story (0 álit)

whorehouse smells like (0 álit)

Læknabrandari (1 álit)

það eina sem skiptir máli er að fara á leikin (0 álit)

Some adults still live by these rules (0 álit)

sex problem (0 álit)

Limurinn vill launahækkun (0 álit)

About Cats & Dogs (0 álit)

Golf in Heaven (0 álit)

The Lone Ranger and Tonto (0 álit)

þetta væri gaman að prófa :) (0 álit)

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