“Follow your dreams. You can meet your goals. I am living proof. Beefcake! BEEFCAKE!!!”
–Eric Cartman (Weight Gainer 4000)

“The fireman is very magical. Rub his helmut and he spits in your eye.”
–Eric Cartman (Ike's Wee Wee)

“DUDE, THAT IS NOT COOL!!! CHOPPING OFF WEE-WEES IS NOT COOL!!!”
–Eric Cartman (Ike's Wee Wee)

“We're never gunna get any candy if Kenny keeps eating people!”
–Eric Cartman (Pink Eye)

“Why is it that everything today has to do with things either going in or coming out of my ass???”
–Eric Cartman (Cartman Gets An Anal Probe)

“Oh good, he got the crappy kidney”
–Eric Cartman (Cherokee Hair Tampons)

“I just don't trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die”
–Mr.Garrison, on the female sex organ (The Movie)

“I AM NOOOOOT AAAAACTING LIKE A FREEEEEEAK!!!!”
–Wendy Testaberger (Tom's Rhinoplasty)

“See that Stan? Now that's a dirty little bastard!”
–Uncle Jimbo (Volcano)

“Oh! It hurts! It hurts!”
–Ned (Volcano)

“That has got to be the most ridiculous load of pig crap I have ever seen!”
–Chef (Volcano)

“TIM-MAY!”
–Timmy (Timmy! 2000, etc.)

“GOB-BLES!”
–Timmy (Thanksgiving)

“How can I resist an ass so great!?!”
–Tweek (Tweek vs. Craig)

“It is only an ass. You must overcome the ass with your mind!”
–Sumo Master (Tweek vs. Craig)

“Let the mysterious ways of our people show you a new way of tampons!”
–Cheech and Chong (Cherokee Hair Tampons)

“Oh Chief, I want your hot man chowder!”
–Mrs. Cartman (Cartman's Mom Is A Dirty Slut)

“Your mother is what we Indians call, ‘Bear With Wide Canyon’”
–Chief Runningwater to Eric Cartman (Cartman's Mom Is A Dirty Slut)

“Come on Kenny, get the go-kart going. I wanna ride it!!!”
–Stan Marsh (Cartman's Mom Is A Dirty Slut)

“Asian culture has plagued the world for years, we must end it!”
–Stan Marsh (Weight Gainer 4000?)

“Oh my god, you sick little bastard!”
–Mr. Mackey (Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo)

“Dance! Dance! Dance damn you!”
–Kyle Broflowski to his poo (Mr. Hankey, The Christmas Poo)

“We don't say fuck at the table asshole!”
–Mr. McCormack (Chickenpox)

“Oh my god, this is like a third world country!”
–Kyle Broflowski (Chickenpox)

“Shut up, fat ass!”
–Kyle to Cartman (various episodes)

Hunting sober is like - fishing, sober. ~Uncle Jimbo, “Volcano,” 20 August 1997


Stan: “Dude, dolphins are intelligent and friendly.”
Cartman: “Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.”
~“Weight Gain 4000,” 27 August 1997


You know what they say: You can't teach a gay dog straight tricks. ~Chef, “Big Gay Al's Big Gay Boat Ride,” 3 September 1997


You know, I think that if parents would spend less time worrying about what their kids watch on TV and more time worrying about what's going on in their kids' lives, this world would be a much better place. ~Stan, “Death,” 17 September 1997


I think that parents only get so offended by television because they rely on it as a babysitter and the sole educator of their kids. ~Kyle, “Death,” 17 September 1997


Benjamin Franklin: “I believe that if we are to form a new country, we cannot be a country that appears war-hungry and violent to the rest of the world. However, we also cannot be a country that appears weak and unwilling to fight, to the rest of the world. So, what if we form a country that appears to want both.”
Thomas Jefferson: “Yes, yes of course, we go to war and protest going to war at the same time….”
Benjamin Franklin: “And that means that as a nation, we could go to war with whomever we wished, but at the same time act like we didn't want to. If we allow the people to protest what the government does, then the country will be forever blameless.”
John Adams: “It's like having your cake and eating it too.”
Anonymous Hick Redneck Founding Father: “Think of it: an entire nation founded on saying one thing and doing another.”
John Hancock: “And we will call that country the United States of America.”
~“I'm a Little Bit Country,” 2 April 2003

“Dude, Cartman, look! Your mom is on the cover of Crack Whore magazine!”

- Kyle Broflovski

“This is pretty f***ed up right here.”

- Stan Marsh

“I'm beginning to think that maybe it's wrong to put someone who thinks they're a Vietnamese prostitute on a bull.”

- Stan Marsh

“Well I'll be a teenage girl backstage at an Aerosmith concert! It's Leonard Maltin in my cafeteria!”

- Chef

“Damn, woman! I just gave you sweet loving five minutes ago!”

- Chef

“Don't do drugs kids. There is a time and place for everything. It's called college.”

- Chef

“I haven't seen a Jew run like that since Poland, 1938.”

- Frank the sportscaster, as Kyle stars for the football team

“I haven't seen an Englishman take a blow like that since Hugh Grant.”

- Frank the sportscaster

When it comes to a spelling bee, always bet on a Jew.

- Uncle Ned

“Hey, I get quite disturbed when you call me that. You shouldn't make fun of foreigners. Besides, I hate French people.”

- Pip

“Here is a monkey with four asses. And here of course is my four-assed ostrich and four-assed mongoose.”

- Mafesto

“Genetic engineering is man's way of correcting God's hideous mistakes, like German people.”

- Mr. Garrison

“Oh, I'm through with Mr. Hat. He's a two-timing whore. From now on you'll be learning from Mr.Twig.”

- Mr. Garrison

“No, that's wrong, Cartman. But don't worry, there are no stupid answers, just stupid people.”

- Mr. Garrison

“Let's clear the air. We all know that pigeon was a whore. Raise your hand if you didn't sleep with that pigeon.”

- Mr. Garrison

“Gay people, well, gay people are EVIL, evil right down to their cold black hearts which pump not blood like yours or mine, but rather a thick, vomitous oil that oozes through their rotten veins and clots in their pea-sized brains which becomes the cause of their Nazi-esque patterns of violent behavior. Do you understand?”

- Mr. Garrison

“Ok children, let's all gather around and bob for stupid apples now. You go first Bebe. That's good, just
use those mouth muscles like the girls in Beijing.”

- Mr. Garrison

“Now children, this is a planetarium, not a Bangkok brotherl, behave.”

- Mr Garrison

“Please nurse, for a women with a dead foetus on her head, you're not being very open minded.”

- Mr Garrison, as Mr Mackey prepares to mind-meld

“Okay, that does it! Ya'll be quiet or the cute little bunny dies!”

- Ms. Crabtree

“But that bitch won't let us.”
“What did you say!?”
“I said that rabbits eat lettuce.”

- Ms. Crabtree

“It's coming right for us!”

- Uncle Jimbo

“Hell, everything's legal in Mexico. It's the American way.”

- Uncle Jimbo

“MKay”

- Mr Mackey

“Okay, smoking is bad; you shouldn't smoke. And alcohol is bad; you shouldn't drink alcohol. And as for drugs, well, drugs are bad; you shouldn't do drugs. That's about wraps it up.”

- Mr. Mackey

“Okay, we're going to break up into teams. Team A will consist of Stan, Kyle, Eric, Chef, Nurse Goodley, and myself. Team B will consist of Kenny.”

- Hell's Pass Hospital ER doctor

“If Chewbacca lives on Endor, then you must acquit.”

- Johnny Cochrane

In other news, a pink eye epidemic is now sweeping the town of South Park. Here with a live report is a midget wearing a bikini.

- The Newsreader

Stan : “Why would God let Kenny die, Chef? Why? Kenny's my friend. Why can't God take someone else's friend?”
Chef : “Stan, sometimes God takes those closest to us, because it makes him feel better about himself. He is a very vengeful God, Stan. He's all pissed off about something we did thousands of years ago. He just can't get over it, so he doesn't care who he takes. Children, puppies, it don't matter to him, so long as it makes us sad. Do you understand?”
Stan : “But then, why does God give us anything to start with?”
Chef : “Well, look at it this way: if you want to make a baby cry, first you give it a lollipop. Then you take it away. If you never give it a lollipop to begin with, then you would have nothin' to cry about. That's like God, who gives us life and love and help just so that he can tear it all away and make us cry, so he can drink the sweet milk of our tears. You see, it's our tears, Stan, that give God his great power.”
Stan : “I thnk I understand.”

- Chef explains death to Stan, when Kenny dies for real

Token : “You mean, you want me around?”
Stan : “Sure, dude, you're our friend.”
Token : “Yeah, I know. But you guys always rip on me for being rich.”
Stan : “Dude, just because we rip on you for being rich doesn't mean we don't like you.”
Kyle : “Yeah. We're guys, dude. We find something about all our friends to rip on. We made fun of you for being rich just like we make fun of Butters for being wimpy.”
Butters : “They sure do.”
Stan : “Yeah, like we rip on Kyle for being a Jew.”
Kyle : “Right.”
Token : “That's right, huh?”
Kyle : “And Stan for being in love with Wendy.”
Stan : “Yeah, I get it for that.”
Kyle : “And Cartman for being fat.”
Cartman : “Uh huh.”
Kyle : “And Cartman for being stupid.”
Cartman : “Yeah.”
Kyle : “And Cartman for having a whore for a mom.”
Cartman : “Hey!”
Kyle : “And Cartman for being a sadistic asshole.”
Cartman : “Ey, you did me already!”

- In the Company of Men

Yesterday's future is today.



CARTMAN

“I'm trying to make the best out of a bad situation. I don't need to hear crap from a bunch of hippie freaks living in denial! Screw you guys, I'm going home.”

“I hate you guys.”

“I love you guys.”

“Yeah, I want some Cheesey Poofs.”

“Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals. I'm living proof. Beefcake. Beefcake!”

“I'm not fat! I'm big boned!”

“Respect my AUTHORITHAI!”

“I would never let a woman kick my ass. If she tried anything, I'd be like: hey, you get your bitch ass
back in the kitchen and make me some pie!”

“Be a man Stan. Say, ‘Hey woman, you shut your mouth and make babies.’”

“Kenny, your family is poor!”

“Democrats really piss me off.”

“My mom says there's a lot of black people in Africa.”

“My mom says there's a lot of black people in China.”

“I know why drugs are bad. If you do drugs you're a hippie. And hippies suck.”

“Tweek, Tweek, you can always go on Welfare. Look at Kenny's family. They're perfectly happy being poor and on Welfare.”

(0n Dolphins) “Intelligent and friendly on rye bread with some mayonnaise.”

“Dolphins, eskimos, who cares? It's all a bunch of tree hugging hippie crap.”

“Screw you, hippie.”

“How are all my little friends, with their little dreams?”

“I'll roshambo you for it.”

“Ten dollar! Eight dollar! You give me eight dollar, soldier boy! Sucky, sucky, five dollar!” (as Ming Lee)


Principal Victoria: Watch the video Eric.
Narrator: Adolph Hitler was a very, very naughty man.
Hitler: Schnell ach. Lovental bros lieben. And I menschen vergen broder. Doktor Schtella, alarm, menschen?
Cartman: Lieben est verboten, a es scriben uts, ka liederhosen, ?God damnit!
Puffy the Bear: So remember kids, dressing up like Hitler in school, isn't cool.
Principal Victoria: Now, do you have any questions?
Cartman: Could I see that again, that was kewl.