Season 1 BtVS Quotes

Welcome to the Hellmouth


JESSE: We’re here to make you feel right at home. Unless you have a scary home.



WILLOW: It’s a dark time, night. Traditionally.



XANDER: “See you at school ’cause we both go there.” Very suave. Very not pathetic.



BUFFY: You don’t understand! That gym was full of vampi- asbestos.



BUFFY: What do you want?
ANGEL: The same thing you do.
BUFFY: Okay. What do I want?
ANGEL: To kill them. To kill them all.
BUFFY: Sorry, that's incorrect. But you do get this lovely watch and a year's supply of Turtle Wax.



The Harvest


BUFFY: Well, I’ve got to look on the bright side. Maybe I can still get kicked out of school!
XANDER: Oh, yeah, that's a plan. ‘Cause lots of schools aren’t on Hellmouths.
WILLOW: Maybe you could blow something up. They're really strict about that.
BUFFY: I was thinking of a more subtle approach, y'know, like excessive not studying.
GILES: (quietly) The Earth is doomed.



The Witch



BUFFY: That much quality time with my mom would probably lead to some quality matricide.



GILES: But that's the thrill of living on the Hellmouth! There's a veritable cornucopia of fiends and devils and ghouls to engage. (off their looks) Well, pardon me for finding the glass half full.



XANDER: I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.



GILES: Why should someone want to harm Cordelia?
WILLOW: Maybe because they met her? (pause) Did I say that?



Teacher’s Pet



BUFFY: That’s all Cryptic Guy said: Fork Guy.

GILES: I think there are too many guys in your life.



XANDER: What kind of a girlie name is ‘Angel’ anyway?



Never Kill a Boy on the First Date


XANDER: So Buffy, how'd the slaying go last night?
BUFFY: Xander!
XANDER: (glancing around) Uh, I mean, how'd the *laying* go? No, I don't mean that, either.



BUFFY: See, this is a school, and we have students, and they check out books, and then they learn things.
GILES: I was beginning to suspect that was a myth.



GILES: Uh, two more of the brethren came in here. They came after me. But I was more than a match for them.
BUFFY: Meaning?
BUFFY: I hid.



The Pack


WILLOW: You remember, you fail math, you flunk out of school, you end up being the guy at the pizza place that sweeps the floor and says, ‘Hey, kids, where’s the cool parties this weekend?'



XANDER: You took a bath.

BUFFY: (confused) Yeah, I often do. I’m actually known for it.



GILES: Xander's taken to teasing the less fortunate?
BUFFY: Uh-huh.
GILES: And, there's been a noticeable change in both clothing and demeanour?
BUFFY: Yes.
GILES: And otherwise, all his spare time is spent lounging about with imbeciles.
BUFFY: It's bad, isn't it?
GILES: It's devastating. He's turned into a sixteen-year-old boy. Of course, you'll have to kill him.



Angel



BUFFY: Angel? I can just see him in a relationship. ‘Hi, honey, you’re in grave danger. I'll see you next month.'



XANDER: Buffy, c'mon, wake up and smell the seduction. It's the oldest trick in the book.
BUFFY: What? Saving my life? Getting slashed in the ribs?
XANDER: Duh!



I Robot, You Jane


XANDER: What, I can't have information sometimes?
GILES: Well, it's just somewhat unprecedented.



BUFFY: (after a near-electrocution) Tell me the truth: how's my hair?



XANDER: Hey! I got to hit someone!



GILES: I'm just going to stay and clean up a little. I'll be back in the middle Ages.
Ms. CALENDER: Did you ever leave?



WILLOW: The one boy who really liked me turned out to be a demon robot. What does that say about me?



The Puppet Show



BUFFY: Giles, unto every generation is born one who must run the annual talentless show. You cannot escape your destiny.



GILES: If you had any shred of decency, you would have participated, or at least, um, helped.
Buffy: Nah! I think I'll take on your traditional role… and watch!
Xander: And mock!
Willow: And laugh!



SNYDER: I know the three of you will come up with a wonderful act for the school to watch. And mock. And laugh. (turns around. Pauses, turns back.) At.



SNYDER: I know Principal Flootie would have said, “Kids need understanding, kids are human beings.” That’s the sort of woolly-headed liberal thinking that leads to being eaten.



SNYDER: My predecessor, Mr. Flootie, may have gone in for all that touchie-feelie-relatie nonsense. But he was eaten.



SNYDER: There are some things I will not tolerate. Students loitering on campus after school. Horrible murders, with hearts being removed. And also smoking.



Nightmares



WILLOW: I don't like spiders, okay? Their furry bodies, and their sticky webs, and what do they need all those legs for anyway?



WILLOW: When Buffy was a vampire, you weren't still, like, attracted to her, were you?
XANDER: Willow, how can you… I mean, that's really bent! She was grotesque!
WILLOW: Still dug her, huh?
XANDER: I'm sick, I need help.
WILLOW: Don't I know it.



Invisible Girl



SNYDER: There are no dead students here. This week.



GILES: A vampire in love with a Slayer. That’s rather poetic, in a maudlin sort of way.



CORDELIA: Because you're always around when all this weird stuff is happening. And I know you're very strong, and you've got all those weapons… I was kind of hoping you were in a gang.



Prophesy Girl


BUFFY: (about biology lesson) That was boring.

XANDER: I don't feel that boring covers it.
BUFFY: No, boring falls short.
WILLOW: Even I was bored. And I'm a science nerd.
BUFFY: Don't say that.
WILLOW: I'm not ashamed. It's the computer age. Nerds are in. (beat) They're still in, right?



XANDER: I'm just gonna go home, lie down and listen to country music. The music of pain.



XANDER: How could you let her go?
GILES: As the soon-to-be-purple area of my jaw will attest, I did not let her go!



XANDER: You were looking at my neck.
ANGEL: What?
XANDER: You were checking out my neck! I saw that!
ANGEL: No, I wasn't!
XANDER: Just keep your distance, pal.
ANGEL: I wasn't looking at your neck!
XANDER: I told you to eat before we left.



MASTER: You were destined to die! It was written!
BUFFY: What can I say? I flunked the written.



Season 2 BtVS Quotes


When She was Bad


BUFFY: Well, this works out great. You won’t tell anyone that I’m the Slayer, and I won’t tell anyone you’re a moron.



XANDER: I mock you with my ice cream cone, Amish guy!



BUFFY: Cordelia, your mouth is open and sound is coming from it. This is never good.



CORDELIA: Buffy. You're really campaigning for bitch-of-the-year, aren't you?
BUFFY: As defending champion, you nervous?



XANDER: Are we overlooking the idea that she may be very attracted to me? (pause) (resigned) She's possessed.

BUFFY: This is Cordelia's. ‘Come to the Bronze before it opens, or we make her a meal.’
XANDER: They're gonna cook her dinner? (beat) I'll pretend I didn't say that.

Some Assembly Required



BUFFY: Are you crazy? You don't just sneak up on people in a graveyard. You make noise when you walk. You stomp or yodel.



BUFFY: You're not jealous? What, vampires don't get jealous?
ANGEL: See? Whenever we fight you always bring up the vampire thing.



BUFFY: I’m an old-fashioned gal. I was raised to believe that men dig up the corpses and the women have the babies.



School Hard



SNYDER: This is a puzzle. And I'm going to look at all the pieces carefully and rationally, and I'm gonna keep looking until I know exactly how this is all your fault.



SPIKE: I was actually at Woodstock. That was a weird gig. I fed off a flower person, and I spent the next six hours watching my hand move.



XANDER: And while I'm whittling, I plan to whistle a jaunty tune.



XANDER: (about Angel’s tendency to disappear) Okay, that's it. I'm putting a collar with a little bell on that guy.



Inca Mummy Girl



WILLOW: You just don't like him ‘cause of that time he beat you up every day for five years.
XANDER: Yeah. I’m irrational that way.



BUFFY: Oh! I know this one! Slaying entails certain sacrifices, blah, blah, bitty blah, I'm so stuffy, gimme a scone.



WILLOW: On the other hand, maybe Rodney just stepped out for a smoke.
XANDER: For twenty-one hours?
WILLOW: It's addictive, you know.



XANDER: Oh, yeah. Fall for the old ‘let-me-translate-that-ancient-seal-for-you’ come on. Pfft. Do you know how many times I've used that?



WILLOW: So, Ampata. You're a girl.
AMPATA: Yes. For many years now.



AMPATA: You are strange.
XANDER: Girls always tell me that. Right before they run away.



Reptile Boy



XANDER: Whoa! Whoa-ho-ho, rewind. Since when do they have orgies, and why aren't I on the mailing list?



TOM: We're not all a bunch of drunken louts. Some of us are sober louts.



WILLOW: The reflection thing that you don't have. Angel, how do you shave?



ANGEL: Buffy.
BUFFY: Angel.
XANDER: Xander!



Halloween



BUFFY: But it’s not our place to fight. Surely some man will protect us.



BUFFY: (to Angel) I don’t want to go with you. I want to go with the man with the musket. (trailing Angel) Do you have a musket?



BUFFY: I was brought up proper lady. I wasn't meant to understand things. I'm just meant to look pretty, and then someone nice will marry me. Possibly a baron.



XANDER: I'm gonna do what any man would do about it: something damn manly.



CORDELIA: Is Mr. ‘I'm-the-lead-singer-I'm-so-great-I-don't-have-to-show-up-for-my-date-or-even-call’ gonna be there?
OZ: Yeah. You know, he's just going by ‘Devon’ now.



Lie to Me


WILLOW: Do they really stick out?
XANDER: What?
WILLOW: Sore thumbs. Do they stick out? I mean, have you ever seen a thumb and gone, ‘Wow, that baby is sore’?
XANDER: You have too many thoughts.



BUFFY: You are playing in some serious traffic here, do you understand that? You're going to die, and the only hope you have of surviving is to get out of this pit right now, and my god, could you *have* a dorkier outfit?



WILLOW: Uh, Angel? If I say something you really don't wanna hear, do you promise not to bite me?



XANDER: Yeah, I'm gonna have to go with Dead Boy on this one.
ANGEL: Could you not call me that?



The Dark Age



XANDER: Giles lived for school. He's actually still bitter that there are only twelve grades.

BUFFY: He was probably sitting in Math class going, ‘There should be more math. This could be mathier.’



XANDER: My Uncle Roary was the stodgiest taxidermist you've ever met by day. By night, it was booze, whores, and fur flying.



BUFFY: Xander, how do you feel about digging through some of Giles' personal files and seeing what you can find?
XANDER: I feel pretty good about it. Does that make me a sociopath? (pauses to consider) Nah.



What’s My Line, part 1



BUFFY: Uh, we're having this thing at school.
ANGEL: Career week?
BUFFY: How did you know?
ANGEL: I lurk.



XANDER: ‘Are you a people person, or do you prefer keeping your own company?’ Well, what if I'm a people person who keeps his own company by default?
BUFFY: So, mark ‘none of the above’.
XANDER: Well, there are no boxes for ‘none of the above’. That would introduce too many variables into their mushroom head, number-crunching little world.



SNYDER: It's worth nothing, Harris. Whatever comes out of your mouth is a meaningless waste of breath. An airborne toxic event.
XANDER: Well, I'm glad you feel comfortable enough to be so honest with me. And I can only hope that one day I'm in the position to be that honest with you.



BUFFY: Note to self: religion freaky.



XANDER: Why go to all the trouble of inventing something, and then giving it a weak name like that? I mean, I'd have gone with ‘The Cross-o-Matic’, or, ‘The Amazing Mr. Cross’.



What’s My Line, part 2



GILES: Oh, good Lord! You were dead, Buffy.
BUFFY: (defensively) I was only gone for a minute.



XANDER: A Slayer, huh? I knew this, ‘I’m the only one, I'm the only one' thing was just an attention-getter.



XANDER: Angel’s our friend. Except I don’t like him.



Ted



BUFFY: Oh, Will, you're supposed to use your powers for good!
WILLOW: I just want to learn stuff.
CORDELIA: Like how to build your own serial killer?
XANDER: Uh, it's so hard to rent one nowadays.



Bad Eggs



XANDER: Apparently Buffy has decided the problem with the English language is all those pesky words.



Surprise



ANGEL: Still, not every dream you have comes true. I mean, what else did you dream last night? Can you remember?
BUFFY: I dreamt… I dreamt that Giles and I opened an office supply warehouse in Vegas.



BUFFY: You think he's too old ‘cause he’s a senior? Please. My boyfriend had a bicentennial.



OZ: Practice. See, our band's kinda moving towards this new sound where we suck, so… practice.



OZ: I'm going to ask you to go out with me tomorrow night. And I'm kind of nervous about it, actually. It's interesting.
WILLOW: Oh. Well, if it helps at all, I'm gonna say yes.
OZ: Yeah, it helps. It-it creates a comfort zone. Do you want to go out with me tomorrow night?
WILLOW: Oh! I can't!
OZ: Well, see, I like that you're unpredictable.



XANDER: Forget it. It must've been my multiple-personality guy talking. I call him Idiot Jed, glutton for punishment.



Innocence



DRU: I'm naming all the stars.
SPIKE: You can't see the stars, love. That's the ceiling. Also, it's day.



WILLOW: I knew it! I knew it! Well, not ‘knew it’ in the sense of having the slightest idea, but I knew there was something I didn't know.



SPIKE: Now, I know you haven't been in the game for a while, mate, but we still do kill people. Sort of our raison d'etre, you know.



ANGELUS: Well, it's not really the kind of message you tell. It sort of involves finding the bodies of all your friends.



CORDELIA: Does looking at guns make you want to have sex?
XANDER: I'm seventeen. Looking at linoleum makes me want to have sex.



XANDER: Whoa! I- I think I'm having a thought. (thinks harder) Yeah, yeah, yeah, that's a thought. (more thinking) Now I'm having a plan. (pause) Now I'm having a wiggins.



OZ: Sometimes when I'm sitting in class, you know, I'm not thinking about class, ‘cause that would never happen…



ANGELUS: I’m gonna give her a kiss. Don't you look spiffy!
JUDGE: Spiffy?

(Britt’s Note: Yay! They used my word! I *always* say spiffy! Spiffites of the world unite!)



Phases



WILLOW Sorry I shot you.
OZ: S'okay. I'm sorry I almost ate you.
WILLOW: S'okay.



OZ: That's great, Larry. You've really mastered the single entendre.



WILLOW: I'll give Xander a call. What's his number? Oh, yeah, 1-800-I'm-Dating-A-Skanky-Ho.

BUFFY: (surprised) Meow!

WILLOW: Really? I’ve never gotten a ‘meow’ before.

BUFFY: Well deserved.



GILES: Yes, let's not jump to any conclusions.
BUFFY: I didn't jump. I took a tiny step, and there the conclusions were.



OZ: (on phone) Aunt Maureen. Hey, it's me. (pause) Um, what? It's actually it's healing okay. That's pretty much the reason I called. Um, I wanted to ask you something. Is Jordy a werewolf? (pause) Uh-huh. And how long has that been going on? (pause) Uh-huh. What? (pause) No reason. Um, thanks. (mini-pause) Yeah, love to Uncle Ken.



Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered



XANDER: Well, this is new territory for me. I mean, my valentines are usually met with heartfelt restraining orders.



ANGELUS: ‘Dear Buffy.’ I'm still trying to decide the best way to send my regards.
SPIKE: Why don't you rip her lungs out? It might make an impression.
ANGELUS: Lacks… poetry.
SPIKE: It doesn't have to. What rhymes with lungs?



OZ: I was on the phone all night, listening to Willow cry about you. Now, I don't know exactly what happened, but I was left with a very strong urge to… hit you.



BUFFY: I seem to be having a slight case of nudity here.
OZ: But you're not a rat. So call it an upside.



Passion



ANGELUS: Well, maybe next time I'll bring you with me, Spike. Might be handy to have you around if I ever need a really good parking space.



ANGELUS: I heard. You went shopping at the local boogedy-boogedy store.



XANDER: (muttering) Watcher’s Pet.



Killed by Death



XANDER: Man, Buffy! My whole life just flashed before my eyes! (beat) I gotta get me a life!



BUFFY: No, I feel fine. I mean, the world's spinning a little bit, but I like it. It's kind of like a ride.



BUFFY: (dizzy with fever) Shhh! Hospital zone. No singing.



BUFFY: (still with the fever) Hey. Here we are. It's all of we. Are we taking me home?
DOCTOR: No. Buffy, you need to lie down.
BUFFY: Yeah? Lie at home. My bed is better than any bed that's… not my bed.



XANDER: Flowers for milady.
BUFFY: I think they call them balloons.
XANDER: Yeah, stick them in water. Maybe they'll grow.



CORDELIA: Tact is just not saying true stuff. I'll pass.



WILLOW: I'm good at medical stuff, since Xander and I used to play doctor all the time. (everyone looks at her strangely)
XANDER: No, she's being literal. She used to have all these medical volumes, and diagnosed me with stuff. I didn't have the heart to tell her she was playing it wrong.
WILLOW: Wrong? Why? How did you play doctor?



I Only Have Eyes For You



XANDER: Something weird is going on. Isn't that our school motto?



XANDER: I defined something? Accurately? Guess I'm done with the book learning.



Go Fish

(Britt’s Note: Did anyone else notice that this is the only episode when Sunnydale is situated near a beach? Despite the fact that’s it’s never mentioned again, the Scoobies claim in this ep to frequent the beach regularly. Hmm…)



XANDER: It's officially nippy. So say my nips.



XANDER: Last month he's the freak with jacamar breath who waxes his back. He wins a few meets and suddenly inherits the cool gene?



XANER: That's wrong. A big fat spanking wrong. It's a slap in the face to every one of us who studied hard and worked long hours to *earn* our D's.



CAMERON: Relax. I'm not going to hurt you.
BUFFY: Oh, it's not me I'm worried about.



XANDER: And what about that nutty, ‘All men are created equal’ thing?
CORDELIA: Propaganda spouted out by the ugly and less deserving.



CORDELIA: God, this is so sad. We're never going to win the state championship. I think I've lost all will to cheerlead.
XANDER: Raise your hand if you feel her pain.



BUFFY: Where’s Gage?

XANDER: He's putting his sneakers on. But it's not the Velcro kind, so give him a couple extra minutes.



COACH: You got some imagination, Missy.
BUFFY: Oh, well, right now I'm imagining you in jail. You're wearing a big orange suit, and oh look; the guards are beating you up.



COACH: Boy, when they were handing out school spirit, you didn't even stand in line, did you?
BUFFY: No. I was in the line for shred of sanity.



Becoming, part 1



OZ: (on Xander’s hilarious Fishstick Theatre re-enactment of last night’s slayage) Well, I thought it was riveting. I was a little unclear about some of the themes.

BUFFY: The theme is Angel's too much of a coward to take me on face-to-face.
XANDER: And the other theme was ‘Buy American’, but it got kind of buried.



CORDELIA: I think it's great to do that before you go out and fail in the real world. That way you're not falling back on something. You're falling, well, forward.
XANDER: And almost sixty-five percent of that was actual compliment. Is that a personal best?



SNYDER: That's enough of that. (to Willow, who is sitting on Oz’s lap) And you! Are we having a chair shortage?
WILLOW: I didn't read anything about… Oh. I get it.



BUFFY: (on phone) Yeah, Xander was pretty much being a… Willow! Where did you learn that word? My God. You kiss your mother with that mouth?



SPIKE: (sarcastically) It's a big rock. I can't wait to tell my friends. They don't have a rock this big.



KENDRA: In case the curse does not succeed, this is my lucky stake. I have killed many vampires with it. I call it Mr. Pointy.



Becoming, part 2



ANGELUS: The last time I tortured somebody, they didn't even have chainsaws.



BUFFY: If you have information worth hearing, then I am grateful for it. If you're going to crack jokes, then I'm going to pull out your ribcage and wear it as a hat.



SPIKE: We like to talk big. Vampires do. ‘I’m going to destroy the world.' That's just tough guy talk. Strutting around with your friends over a pint of blood.



SPIKE: Dru bagged a Slayer? She didn't tell me! Hey, good for her! (looks at Buffy) Though not from your perspective, I suppose.



XANDER: Cavalry's here. Cavalry's a frightened guy with a rock, but it's here.



GILES: You're not real.
XANDER: Sure, I'm real.
GILES: It's a trick. They get inside my head; make me see things I want.
XANDER: Then why would they make you see me?
GILES: (pause) You're right. Let's go.


Anne


WILLOW: I wonder what our first homework assignment's going to be. (off Xander’s look) Hey, you're excited over Cordelia, okay? We've all got issues.



WILLOW: Well, we try not to get killed. That's part of our whole mission statement. ‘Don’t get killed.'



OZ: I think we're kinda getting a rhythm down.
XANDER: We're losing half the vamps.
OZ: Yeah, but… rhythmically.



BUFFY: You know, I just… I woke up, and I looked in the mirror, and I thought, ‘Hey, what's with all the sin?’ I need to change. I'm… I'm dirty. I'm bad with the… sex and the envy and that, that loud music us kids listen to nowadays. (pause) Oh, I just suck at undercover.



BUFFY: Hey Ken. Want to see my impression of Ghandi? (smashes Ken’s skull)

LILY: Ghandi?

BUFFY: Yeah. You know, if he was really pissed off.



Dead Man’s Party



XANDER: Check it out. The Watcher is back on the clock. And just when you were thinking career change, maybe becoming a looker or a seer.



BUFFY: What about home schooling? You know, it's not just for scary religious people anymore.



OZ: It looks dead. It smells dead. But it’s moving around. That’s interesting.



GILES: Unbelievable. (as Joyce) ‘Do you like my mask? Isn’t it pretty? It raises the dead!' Americans.



Faith, Hope, and Trick



WILLOW: But I think you're ready now, or at least in the state of pre-readiness to make conversation, or to do that thing with your mouth that boys like.



XANDER: And they say young people don't learn anything in high school nowadays, but, I've learned to be afraid.



BUFFY: Hello, my life. How I've missed you.



Beauty and the Beasts



XANDER: I can handle the Oz Full Monty. I mean, not ‘handle’ handle, like ‘hands to flesh’ handle.



GILES: Right. It's good to see you. Um, no need to panic.
OZ: Just a thought: Poker? Not your game.



GILES: How long *exactly* did you… rest your eyes for?
XANDER: A little now, a little then. But I never heard Oz leave, and he was here in the morning when I, um…when I…
GILES: WOKE UP!
XANDER: You could put it that way if you want to, Mr. Technical.



BUFFY: (to guidance counsellor) Buffy Summers, reporting for sanity.



BUFFY: We have a jazz marching band?
OZ: Yeah, but since the best jazz is improvisational, we’d be going off in all directions, banging into floats… Scary.



Homecoming



XANDER: You want to talk fun? Public bus. You meet the funnest people.



XANDER: Buffy and Faith are in the library getting all *sweaty*.
CORDELIA: They're training.
XANDER: I stand by my phrase.



BUFFY: You've awakened the Prom Queen within.



TRICK: We all have the desire to win. Whether we're human, vampire, and whatever the hell you are, my brother. You got them spiny-looking head things. I ain't never seen that before.



TRICK: Ladies, gentlemen, spiny-headed looking creatures…



XANDER: They're our only relations with money, and they shun us. As they should.



Band Candy



SNYDER: Whoa, Summers! You drive like a spaz!



WILLOW: ‘Kiss rocks’? Why would anyone want to kiss…? Oh, wait. I get it.



Revelations



Buffy: (about Faith’s new Watcher) Interesting lady. Can we kill her?

Giles: I think the council might frown upon that.



Buffy: You can trust some guys. Really, I've read about them.



Buffy: (To Xander) Right. This is all nobility. This has nothing to do with

jealousy.

Cordelia: Hello? Miss Not-Over-Yourself-Yet?

Buffy: Don't you start with me.

Willow: (upset) Giles, no one's doing the ‘I’ statements!



Gwendolyn: Faith, do you know who the Spartans were?

Faith: Wild stab - a bunch of guys from Spart?



Gwendolyn: A good Watcher must be awake and alert at all hours.

Giles: Would you like some tea?

Gwendolyn: God, yes, please. I'm completely knackered.


Giles: (about Gwendolyn) She was, uh, kicked out by the council a couple of years ago for misuses of dark power. They swear there was a memo.



Lover’s Walk



SPIKE: She just left. She didn't even care enough to cut off my head or set me on fire. I mean, is that too much to ask? Some little sign that she cared?



OZ: (about Willow’s SAT scores) I can see why you’d be upset. (Willow looks upset) That was my sarcastic voice.

XANDER: You know, it sounds a lot like you’re regular voice.

OZ: I’ve been told that.



CORDELIA: Oh my God. Is this some sort of residual werewolf thing? This is very disturbing.
OZ: I really agree.



WILLOW: Drusilla broke up with him.
XANDER: Gee, and we had all hoped those crazy kids would make it work.



SPIKE: I want Dru back, I've just got to be the man I was, the man she loved. I'm going to do what I should have done in the first place: I'll find her, wherever she is, tie her up, and torture her until she likes me again.



The Wish



BUFFY: Your logic does not resemble our Earth logic.
XANDER: Mine is much more advanced.



ANGEL: I kept hoping maybe you'd come. My destiny.
BUFFY: Is this a get-in-my-pants thing?



WILLOW: Hmm, Buffy. Ooh, scary.
XANDER: Someone has to talk to her people. That name is striking fear in nobody's hearts.



Amends



OZ: Every have that dream where you’re in the middle of a play, and you don’t know your lines, and you kind of don’t know that plot?



XANDER: Thank you, Cordelia. That was a confidence I was hoping you’d share with everyone.



Gingerbread



BUFFY: This hall is about school, and you're about home. Mix them, my world dissolves.



SNYDER: This is a glorious day from principals everywhere. No more pathetic whining about student’s rights; just a long row of lockers, and a man with a key.



XANDER: It's Nazi Germany, and I've got Playboys in my locker!



WILLOW: (coughing) Ack, sorry. Phlegm. Too much dairy.



SHEILA: Willow, you cut off your hair. That's a new look.
WILLOW: Yeah, it's just a sudden whim I had. In August.



XANDER: (about Oz) I see how he is around me. You know, that steely gaze… that pointed silence.
BUFFY: ‘Cause he’s usually such a chatterbox.
XANDER: No, but it's different now. It's more a verbal nonverbal. He speaks volumes with his eyes.



GILES: (to computer) Interrupt? Who said you could interrupt, you stupid, useless fad? Yes I said ‘fad’! And I’ll say it again.

XANDER: (entering with Oz) At that point, I will become frightened.



XANDER: “Frisky Watchers’ Chatroom”? Why, Giles.



BUFFY: Mom, dead people are talking to you. Do the math.



BUFFY: It's all falling into place. Of course that place is nowhere near this place.



CORDELIA: One of these days, you’re going to wake up in a coma.



BUFFY: Like that kid in the story, the boy that stuck his finger in the duck.
ANGEL: Dike. It's another word for dam.
BUFFY: Oh. Okay, that story makes a lot more sense now.



BUFFY: “Answer to Moo?” Did that sentence just make some sense that I'm not in on?



WILLOW: The last time we had a conversation over three minutes, it was on the patriarchal bias of the ‘Mr Rodger’s Show’.

SHIELA: Well, with King ‘Friday’ lording it over all the lesser puppets…



Helpless



BUFFY: Actually, I do have a date. Older man. Very handsome. He likes it when I call him ‘Daddy’.
ANGEL: (relieved) Your father. (pause) It is your father, right?



BUFFY: (to vampire) Wow, that was really funny-looking! Could you do it again?



BUFFY: I'm way off my game. My game's left the country. It's in Cuernavaca.



BUFFY: What if I just become pathetic? Hanging out at the old Slayer's home, talking people's ears off about my glory days, showing them Mr. Pointy, the stake I had bronzed.



BUFFY: That's beautiful. (beat) Or taken literally, incredibly gross.

ANGEL: I was just thinking that too.



CORDELIA: Is the world ending? I have to research a paper on Bosnia for tomorrow, but if the world's ending, I'm not gonna bother.



BUFFY: If I was at full Slayer power, I'd be punning right about now.



The Zeppo



XANDER: It's my *thing*.
WILLOW: Your thing?
XANDER: My thing!
BUFFY: Is this a penis metaphor?



WILLOW: Yeah, I'm fine. The shaking is a side effect of the fear.



XANDER: Excuse me? Who, at a crucial moment, distracted the lead demon by allowing her to pummel him about the head?



BUFFY: (about demon corpses) Should I burn them?
WILLOW: I brought marshmallows! (off their looks) Occasionally, I'm callous and strange.



XANDER: You gave [your knife] a girl's name. How very serial killer of you.



XANDER: Long gone. Probably loaded with supplies. Gotta think. (pause) I can't believe I had sex.



Bad Girls



XANDER: I feel your pain, Will. Like right now, I'm torn between the fast-growing of appliance repair and motel management. Of course, I'm still waiting to hear back from the Corndog Emporium, so…



BUFFY: (about Wesley) Is he evil?
GILES: Not in the strictest sense of the word.



WESLEY: Why don't you tell me everything about last night's patrol.
BUFFY: Vampires.
WESLEY: Yes?
BUFFY: Killed ‘em.



WESLEY: I didn’t get this job because of my looks.
BUFFY: I really, really believe that.



BUFFY: Whenever Giles sends me on a mission, he always says “please”. And afterwards I get a cookie.



WESLEY: What is that thing?
GILES: That would be your demon. You know, the dead one?
WESLEY: There's no need to get snippy.



BALTHAZAR: (oozing) Moisten the front.



Consequences



ANGEL: You can't imagine the price for true evil.
FAITH: Yeah? I hope evil takes MasterCard



WESLEY: What can I do? I want to help.
BUFFY: You still got your ticket back to the mother country?



Dopplegangland


ANYA: I was feared and worshipped across the mortal globe. And now I'm stuck at Sunnydale High. Mortal. A child. And I'm flunking math.



BUFFY: He even has that test to see if you're crazy that asks if you ever hear voices or you ever wanted to be a florist.
WILLOW: Ooh, I used to want-Wait. Florist means crazy, right? I never wanted to do that.



WILLOW: I'm ‘Old Reliable’.
XANDER: She just means, you know, the geyser. You're like a geyser of fun that goes off at regular intervals.
WILLOW: That's Old Faithful.
XANDER: Isn't that the dog that, that the guy had to shoot…
WILLOW: That's Old Yeller.
BUFFY: Xander, I beg you not to help me.



GILES: (about Willow) She was truly the finest of all of us.
XANDER: Way better than me.
GILES: Much, much better.



WILLOW: (while being hugged) Okay, oxygen becoming an issue!



WILLOW: Say, you all didn't happen to do a bunch of drugs, did ya?



GILES: something… something, um, very strange is happening.
XANDER: Can you believe the Watcher's Council let this guy go?



DEVON: Man, we need a roadie. Other bands have roadies.
OZ: Well, other bands know more than three chords. Your professional bands can play up to six, sometimes seven completely different chords.
DEVON: That's just, like, fruity jazz bands.



WILLOW: Oh, right. Me and Oz play ‘Mistress of Pain’ every night.
XANDER: Did anyone else just go to a scary visual place?



Enemies



BUFFY: So, feel like getting some hot chocolate…or some cold shower?



GILES: Demons after money. Whatever happened to the still-beating heart of a virgin? No one has any standards anymore.



BUFFY: Fashion tip, Wes: mouth looks better closed.



GILES: Again, see? No standards. Any self-respecting demon should be living in a pit of filth or nice crypt.



XANDER: And on the day the words ‘flimsy excuse’ were redefined, we stood in awe and watched.



XANDER: Are there any engravings I should know about? Frolicking nymphs of some kind?



ANGEL: Say, did you change your hair?
JOYCE: (surprised) Highlights.
ANGEL: It's nice.



XANDER: I feel so much better knowing that he broke my face in a good way. It's a *good* bruise.



Earshot



WILLOW: The school paper is edging on depressing lately. Have you guys noticed that?
OZ: I don’t know. I usually go straight to the obits.



BUFFY: It could be claws, or scales or… (noticing Willow’s look) What?

WILLOW: (eyes wide) Was it a boy demon?



XANDER: (about the cheerleaders) They really are very good.
OZ: Their spellings improved.



XANDER: Oh my God! He’s lookingat her! He’s got his filthy adult Pierce Brosnan-y eyes all over my Cordy.
OZ: You’re a very complex man, aren’t you?



XANDER: For a minute there I thought you were gonna make an expression.
OZ: Well, I felt one coming on, I won’t lie.



XANDER: You have no shame.
CORDELIA: Oh please. Like shame is something to be proud of.



BUFFY: When I walked in you thought, “Look at her shoes. If a fashion magazine told her to, she’d wear cats strapped to her feet.”



ANGEL: I’m a funny guy.



OZ’S THOUGHTS: I am my thoughts. If they exist in her, Buffy contains everything that is me and she becomes me. I cease to exist. Huh.



XANDER’S THOUGHTS: What am I gonna do? I think about sex all the time. Sex. Help! 4 times 5 is 30. 5 times 6 is 32. Naked women. Naked girls. Naked Buffy. Oh, stop me.



XANDER: I’ve been saying for years that the lunch lady is going to do us all in with that Mulligan Stew. I mean, what the hell is a Mulligan?



XANDER: I mean, who hasn’t idly thought of taking out the place with a semi-automatic? (off their looks) I said *idly*.



CORDELIA: Hi Mr. Beach. I was just wondering, were you planning on killing a bunch of people tomorrow? Oh, it’s for the yearbook.



OZ: “Dingoes Ate My Baby played their instruments as if they had plump polish sausages taped to their fingers.”
FREDDY: Sorry man.
OZ: No, it’s fair.



BUFFY: Well, it’s nice to help someone in a non-slaying capacity. Except, he’s starting to get that look you know, like he’s gonna ask me to Prom.
GILES: Well, it’d probably be good for his self-esteem if you…
BUFFY: What am I, Saint Buffy? He’s like three feet tall!



BUFFY: We could work out after school. You know, if you’re not too busy having sex with my mother.



Choices



BUFFY: You never take me anyplace new.
ANGEL: What about that fire-demon nest in the cave by the beach? Thought that was a nice change of pace.



XANDER: Kerouac. He's my teacher. The open road, my school.
BUFFY: Making the open dumpster your cafeteria?

XANDER: We bohemian, anti-establishment types have always been persecuted.
OZ: Well, sure. You're all so weird.



BUFFY: (about Oxford) There's where they make Gileses.
WILLOW: I know. I can learn and have scones.



XANDER: I need a volunteer to hit Wesley.



WILLOW: So Faith was like, “I'm gonna beat you up,” and I'm all, “I'm not afraid of you.” And then she had the knife, which was less fun.



The Prom



ANYA: I have witnessed a millennium of treachery and oppression from the males of the species. And I have nothing but contempt for the whole libidinous lot of them.
XANDER: Then why are you talking to me?
ANYA: I don't have a date for the prom.



ANYA: Men are evil. Will you go with me?
XANDER: One of us is very confused, and I honestly don't know which.



BUFFY: Children? Can you say jumping the gun? I killed my goldfish.



BUFFY: I'm going to give you all a nice, fun, normal evening if I have to kill every person on the face of the Earth to do it.



JONATHAN: We're proud to say that the class of ‘99 has the lowest mortality rate of any graduating class in Sunnydale history. (class cheers)



ANYA: Look, I know you find me attractive. I’ve seen you looking at my breasts.
XANDER: Nothing personal, but when a guy does that, it just means his eyes are open.



Graduation, part 1



ANGEL: (tripping) Ow.
BUFFY: Stealthy.
ANGEL: Not my best entrance. I think they were mopping in the halls.



ANGEL: Are you mad at me for being around too much or for not being around enough.
BUFFY: Duh. Yes.



Graduation, part 2



XANDER: Aren’t you supposed to be drinking tea anyway?
GILES: Tea is soothing. I wish to be tense.
XANDER: Okay, but your destroying a perfectly good cultural stereotype here.



CORDELIA: I demand an explanation!

XANDER: For what?

CORDELIA: Wesley.

XANDER: Uh, inbreeding?



WILLOW: (about Angel) He’s delirious. He thought I was Buffy.
OZ: You too, huh?



CORDELIA: I personally don’t think it’s possible to come up with a crazier plan.
OZ: We attack the Mayor with humus.
CORDELIA: I stand corrected.
OZ: Just keeping things in perspective.



WILLOW: Faith told you? Is that before or after you put her in a coma?
BUFFY: After.
WILLOW: Oh.



BUFFY: Am I crazy?

WILLOW: Crazy is such a strong word.

GILES: Let’s not rule it out, though.



XANDER: I’m still ‘Key’ guy, right?
BUFFY: Right.
XANDER: Great. Then Angel, in non-'Key' guy capacity, can work with me.
ANGEL: What fun.
XANDER: Hey! ‘Key guy’ still talking.



SNYDER: (in speech to graduation class) Congratulations to the class of 1999. You’ve all proved more or less adequate. This is a time of celebration, so sit still and be quiet. (to student) Spit out that gum. Please welcome our distinguished guest speaker, Mayor Richard Wilkins the Third. (to student) I saw that gesture. You see me after graduation.



BUFFY: (listening to the Mayor) My God. He’s gonna do the entire speech.
WILLOW: Man, just ascend already.
BUFFY: Evil.



Season 4 BtVS Quotes


Freshman


BUFFY: How do you get to be renowned? I mean, like, do you have to be nowned first?
WILLOW: Yes. First there’s the painful nowning process.



GIRL: Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your personal savior?
BUFFY: Uh, you know I meant to, and then I just got really busy.



WILLOW: Oh, boyfriend! It's my on-campus boyfriend.
BUFFY: Oh no, I forgot to pick mine up. The line's probably really long now, too.



GILES: I’m not allowed to have a private life?

BUFFY: No. ‘Cause you’re very, very old, and it’s gross.



RILEY: It's nice to meet you both.
BUFFY: I'm nice to meet.



EDDIE: Of Human Bondage. Have you ever read it?
BUFFY: I'm not really into porn. I mean, I'm just trying to cut way back.



XANDER: I ended up washing dishes at the fabulous Ladies Night club for about a month and a half while I tried to pay for the repairs. No one really bothered me or even spoke to me until one night when one of the male strippers called in sick and no power on this earth will make me tell you the rest of that story.



XANDER: You're sitting here at the Bronze looking like you just got diagnosed with cancer of the puppy.



XANDER: When it's dark, and I'm all alone, and I'm scared, or freaked out or whatever, I always think, ‘What would Buffy do?’ You're my hero. (pause) Okay, sometimes when it's dark and I'm all alone, I think, ‘What is Buffy wearing?’…



WILLOW: Buffy wouldn't just take off. That's just not in her nature. Except for that one time she disappeared for several months and changed her name, but there were circumstances then.



WILLOW: How can you be so calm?
OZ: Long, arduous hours of practice.



Living Conditions



KATHY: I just wanted to make sure that we didn't have a thief or something.
BUFFY: Like who? Sid the Wily Dairy Gnome?



BUFFY: Not that I mind, but don't non-college guys usually populate the non-campus?



BUFFY: And the worst part: I wake up and there's Kathy staring at me like I'm some kind of freak.
OZ: Well, actually, the worst part, I'd have to go with the demon pouring the blood down your throat.
WILLOW: Me too. I would vote for that, too.



WILLOW: He's our grown-up friend. Not in a creepy way.



BUFFY: So then she's like, ‘It’s share-time.' And I'm like, ‘Oh yeah? Share this!’ (punches the air)
OZ: So either you hit her or you did your wacky mime routine for her.



OZ: Nobody deserves mime, Buffy.



OZ: On the plus side you killed the bench, which was looking shifty.



WILLOW: Toenails?
BUFFY: Evil toenails. I took them off the floor last night when she was in the bathroom. She thought I was asleep.
WILLOW: Good thinking, ‘cause in the middle of the night those toenails could have attacked you and left little half-moon marks all over your body.



WILLOW: (on phone) Giles. I just talked to Buffy and, yeah, I think she's feeling a little crazy. (pause) No, not bitchy crazy, more like homicidal maniac crazy. So I told her to come see you, ‘kay?



KATHY: I'm 3000 years old! When are you going to stop treating me like I'm 900?



The Harsh Light of Day



DEVON: We're gonna have them glued to their seats.
WILLOW: Uh, Devon. Aren't they supposed to dance?
OZ: Well, we can glue them to the dance floor.



PARKER: Don't you just hate guys who are all, ‘I’m dark and brooding so give me love?'

BUFFY: I don't think I've ever met that type.



XANDER: I don't get your crazy system.
GILES: System? It's called the alphabet.



OZ: Yeah, we came to warn you about the… angry puppy.



ANYA: It's ludicrous to have these interlocking bodies and not interlock. Please remove your clothing now.



HARMONY: You love that tunnel more than me.
SPIKE: I love syphilis more than you.



Fear, Itself



XANDER: (about jack o’lantern) I was going for ferocious-scary, but it’s come out more dryly sardonic.

WILLOW: It does appear to be mocking you with its eyeholes.

OZ: And its nose hole seems sad, and full of self-loathing.



XANDER: Playing with knives: fun, yes, but not safe.



EDWARD: Is there any holiday that's not about getting laid?
JOSH: Arbor Day.



XANDER: I tend to hear the actual words people say and accept them at face value.
ANYA: That's stupid!
XANDER: I accept that.



BUFFY: Will, let's be realistic here, okay? Your basic spells are usually only about 50-50.
WILLOW: Oh yeah?! Well, so's your face.



XANDER: Who's a little fear demon? Come on, who's a little fear demon?
GILES: Don't taunt the fear demon.
XANDER: Why? Can he hurt me?
GILES: No, it's just tacky.



GACHNAR: I am the Dark Lord! Fear me!

WILLOW: He’s so cute!



Beer Bad



XANDER: Au contraire, mon frère.
BUFFY: Mon frère means brother.
XANDER: Mon girl-frère.



WILLOW: I'm pregnant by my step-brother who'd rather be with my best friend and who's left me with no place to live, no food, except for this bottle of Wild Turkey, which I drank all up. (Xander looks at her blankly) That's me being tanked and friendless for you.



XANDER: Pfffft. Nothing can defeat the penis! (glances around) Too loud. Very unseemly.



WILLOW: You didn't. Not with Parker again.
BUFFY: No. With four really smart guys.
WILLOW: Four? Oh… Ow. Oh, Buffy, are you OK? Do you want to talk about it?
BUFFY: I went to see Xander. Then I saw Parker. Then came beer.
WILLOW: And then group sex?
BUFFY: Pffft! Gutterface. No! Just lots and lots of beer.



BUFFY: Want beer. Like beer. Beer good.
XANDER: Beer bad. Bad, bad beer. (beat) What the hell am I saying?



XANDER: And was there a lesson in all this? What did we learn about beer?
BUFFY: Foamy!
XANDER: Good. Just as long as that's clear.



Wild at Heart



BUFFY: (to vampire she’s fighting) You know very well, you eat this late, (stakes him) you're gonna get heartburn. (steps back to look at him) Get it? Heartburn?



BUFFY: She wants me to lead a discussion group next class. (pause) That means more work right? Shouldn't she have a better reward system, you know, like a cookie, or a toy surprise like at the dentist?



WILLOW: I have wrong feelings about other guys sometimes, but I feel guilty and I flog and punish.
BUFFY: Exactly. I'm sure Oz is flogging and punishing himself… This is sounding wrong before I even finish.



WILLOW: What if the girl wants to, and the guy doesn't? That's a bad sign, right?
XANDER: Could be. Or the girl caught the guy in one of the seven annual minutes he is legitimately too preoccupied to ‘do it’.



BUFFY: Oz, you OK? I mean, if it's possible, you seem more monosyllabic than usual.



OZ: I shouldn't be around you, or anybody.
WILLOW: Well, that could be a problem, ‘cause people? Kind of a planetary epidemic.



The Initiative



RILEY: There’s definitely something off about her.
GRAHAM: Maybe she's Canadian.



XANDER: We whip out the Ouija board, light a few candles, summon some ancient unstoppable evil? Mayhem, mayhem, mayhem, we show up and kick its ass.
GILES: (after pausing to contemplate) A wee bit unethical.



MRS HARRIS: Xander!
XANDER: Yes, Mom?
MRS HARRIS: I made a nice fruit punch for you and your friend. Would you boys like some?
GILES: Is it, uh, raspberry fruit punch?



WILLOW: (about Buffy) She likes cheese. I'm not saying it's the key to her heart, but…



WILLOW: (to Riley) If you hurt her, I will beat you to death with a shovel. (off his look) A vague disclaimer is nobody's friend. Have fun!



Pangs



SPIKE: (eyeing Xander) Oh, leave that one. He looks like he's ready to drop any minute, and I think I can eat someone if he's already dead.



ANYA: So this is Angel. He's large and glowery, isn't he?



BUFFY: (about construction-worker Xander) Very manly. Not at all Village People.



BUFFY: It is a sham, but it's a sham with yams. It's a yam sham.



WILLOW: I don't think you want to help! You just want to slay the demon and go ‘la, la, la.’



SPIKE: A bear! You made a bear!
BUFFY: I didn't mean to!
SPIKE: Undo it! Undo it!



Something Blue



RILEY: It's not easy, you know, talking to you sometimes. It's like an oral exam.

BUFFY: Just the words every girl longs to hear.



BUFFY: (seductively) Look at my poor neck; all bare, and tender, and exposed. All that blood, just pumping away…
SPIKE: Giles, make her stop!



SPIKE: Passions is on! Timmy's down the bloody well, and if you make me miss it I'll-

GILES: Do what? Lick me to death?



WILLOW: Did Buffy tell you about the beer, ‘cause…
GILES: Uh, Buffy didn’t tell me anything.
WILLOW: Oh, well forget the beer part then.
GILES: Happily.



XANDER: Just think of my lips as the Fruit Roll-Ups of Love. (pause) Okay, that was gross.



BUFFY: Honey, we need to talk about the invitations. Now, do you want to be ‘William the Bloody’ or just ‘Spike,’ because either way it's going to look majorly weird.
SPIKE: Whereas the name ‘Buffy’ gives it that touch of classic elegance.



SPIKE: This is the crack team that foils my every plan? I am deeply shamed.



D’Hoffryn: (after Willow refuses to become a demon) Here is my talisman. If you change your mind, give us a chant.



BUFFY: (in between spitting and gagging) Spike lips! Lips of Spike!



Hush



RILEY: So tell me about your dream. As a Psych major, I'm qualified to go, ‘hmmm’.



SPIKE: Sometimes I like to crumble the Weetabix in the blood. Gives it a little texture.



ANYA: You don't need me. All you care about is lots of orgasms.



GILES: I have a friend who's coming to town, and I'd like us to be alone.
ANYA: Oh, you mean an orgasm friend?
GILES: Yes, that's exactly the most appalling thing you could have said.



XANDER: I happen to be very biteable, pal. I'm moist and delicious.
SPIKE: All right, yeah, fine. (rolling eyes) You're a nummy treat.
XANDER: And don't you forget it!



SPIKE: (imitating Anya) Xander, don't you care about me?
XANDER: Shut up.
SPIKE: We never talk.
XANDER: Shut! Up!
SPIKE: Xaaan-der…
XANDER: Shutup!



OLIVIA: So everything you told me was true?
GIELS: Well, no, I wasn't actually one of the original members of Pink Floyd, but the monster stuff, yes.



Doomed



RILEY: And you fight demons. I mean, you whaled on those guys.
BUFFY: You did pretty well yourself.
RILEY: Yeah, but I'm a walking bruise today. If you see me with my clothes off, I look like a… I mean, I have bruises.



SPIKE: My sodding sleeping chair's bloody… sodden.



BUFFY: This from the dorm that brought us the ‘Somebody Sneezed’ Party, and the ’Day that Ends in Y’ Party.



PERCY: I like my women hot. Call me old-fashioned.



BUFFY: There’s gonna be a lot of red faces when the world comes to an end.



WILLOW: There was just so much blood. And a symbol. (indignantly) And Percy said I was a nerd!

BUFFY: Percy called you a nerd?



XANDER: I hate to break it to you, O Impotent One, but you're not the Big Bad anymore. You're not even the Kind of Naughty.



GILES: It's the end of the world.
ALL: Again?!



BUFFY: I told you! I said ‘End of the World’, and you were like “pooh-pooh, Southern California, pooh-pooh”.

GILES: I’m so very sorry. My contrition completely dwarfs the impending apocalypse.



GILES: It’s the end of the world. Everybody dies. Rather important, actually.



BUFFY: (about mausoleums) Big flaky cereal boxes of death.



XANDER: Think of the happy. If we don’t find what we're looking for, we're facing the apocalypse.
SPIKE: Really? You're not just saying that?



GILES: Oh, as usual, dear.



RILEY: I should have just given them my security code and rank.
BUFFY: You have a security code and rank?
RILEY: No.



SPIKE: (ranting to a stunned Xander and Willow) I say we go out there and kick a little demon ass! What, can't go without your Buffy? Is that it? Too chicken? Let's find her! She is the Chosen One, after all. Come one, vampires, rrrrr, nasty! Let's annihilate them. For justice, and for… the safety of puppies, and Christmas, right? Let's fight that evil! Let's kill something! Oh, come on!



A New Man



BUFFY: Of course, you could smash in all my toes with a hammer and it would still be the bestest Buffy birthday bash in a big long while.



GILES: Perhaps we should have invited Professor Walsh to the party.
BUFFY: Oh no. I mean, she's like forty. She's got better things to do than hang out with a bunch of kids.



XANDER: (sees Spike is stealing his radio) That's my radio!
SPIKE: And you're what, shocked and disappointed? I'm evil.



RILEY: When I saw you stop the world from, you know, ending, I just assumed that was a big week for you. It turns out I suddenly find myself needing to know the plural of apocalypse.



GILES: What am I? I'm an unemployed librarian with a tendency to get knocked on the head.



BUFFY: I'm spending today with Riley.
WILLOW: Oh yeah, I forgot, that's what you always do on days when the Earth rotates.



GILES: (about Ethan) He must undo this, and then he needs a good being killed.



ETHAN: I've really got to learn to just do the damage and get out of town. It's the stay and gloat that gets me every time.



GILES: How did you know it was me?
BUFFY: Your eyes. You're the only person in the world that can look that annoyed with me.



The ‘I’ in Team



WILLOW: (about Boost bars) Those things usually taste kind of tasteless, then leave a bad aftertastelessness.



BUFFY: (on take-down of Initiative squad) I was just lucky.
WALSH: I see, well, still very impressive. (walks away)
BUFFY: (to Riley) I was just being modest with the whole ‘lucky’ thing. You got that right?



WILLOW: Wow, I've been trying to find a dolls-eye crystal my entire life. Well, since June, anyway.



WILLOW: Irony's kind of ironic that way.



RILEY: Hope you don't mind us tagging along.
WILLOW: No, no, of course not, the more the… more.



Goodbye Iowa



XANDER: Storm the Initiative? Yeah, let's take on those suckers!
BUFFY: I was thinking more that we'd hide.
XANDER: Oh thank God.



WILLOW: Well, look who's cranky bear in the morning!
GILES: (after spending a night on Xander’s inflatable chair) Yes, I can't imagine why I didn't sleep well in my beach ball.



ANYA: You know you really should get yourself a boring boyfriend. Like Xander. (beat) You can't have Xander.



BUFFY: I'm the only one that can pass the retinal scan.
XANDER: The- Ewww! I don't want to see that!
BUFFY: Retinal scan, Xander.



XANDER: (upon arriving at Initiative HQ) I totally get it now. Can I have sex with Riley, too?



This Year’s Girl



XANDER: (about Adam and Faith) I'd hate to see the pursuit of a homicidal lunatic get in the way of pursuing a homicidal lunatic.



WILLOW: What did you tell him?
BUFFY: The truth. That she's my wacky identical cousin from England, and whenever she visits, hijinks ensue.
WILLOW: It's good that you two have such an honest relationship.



WILLOW: I'd be lucky to bruise her fist with my face.



WILLOW: She's like this cleavagey slutbomb walking around going ‘Ooh. Check me out, I’m wicked cool. I'm five by five.'
TARA: Five by five? Five what by five what?
WILLOW: See, that's the thing. No one knows.



SPIKE: Can't any one of your damned little Scooby club at least try to remember that I hate you all?“



Who are You?



WILLOW: (about Faith) Ooh, I wish those council guys would let me have an hour alone in a room with her. If I was larger, and had grenades.



ANYA: We were going to light a bunch of candles and have sex near them.
FAITH in Buffy: Well, we certainly don't want to cut into that seven minutes.
ANYA: Hey!
XANDER: I believe that's my ‘hey.’ Hey!



SPIKE: You know why I really hate you, Summers?
FAITH in Buffy: ‘Cause I’m a stuck-up tight-ass with no sense of fun?
SPIKE: (taken aback) Well, yeah, that covers a lot of it.



GILES: Look, I know what you are going to say, and-

BUFFY in Faith: I'm Buffy.
GILES: All right, I didn't know what you were going to say, but that doesn't make you any less crazy.



BUFFY in Faith: Ask me a question, ask me anything.
GILES: Who's President?
BUFFY in Faith: We're checking for Buffy, not a concussion.



Superstar


XANDER: We knocked them dead… which they already were.
WILLOW: We knocked them deader!



SPIKE: Yeah, back off, Betty!
BUFFY: It's Buffy! You big, bleached… stupid guy.



ANYA: Xander's not here.
BUFFY: Oh.
ANYA: (after a pause) You're not going away. Why aren't you going away?



ANYA: (trying for a pep-talk) Oh, buck up you! You kill the best! Go you! Kill, kill.



ANYA: You could have, like, a world with no shrimp. Or with, you know, nothing but shrimp.



ANYA: say you really like shrimp a lot. Or we could say you don't like shrimp at all. ”Blah, I wish there weren't any shrimp,“ you'd say to yourself-

BUFFY: Stop!



BUFFY: I think that Jonathan may be doing something so that he's manipulating the world, and we're all like his pawns.
ANYA: Or prawns.
BUFFY: Stop with the shrimp!



XANDER: So, we're saying that he did a spell just to make us think he was cool?
GILES: Yes.
XANDER: That is so cool!



Where the Wild Things Are



ANYA: Spike! What are you doing? You made me yell really high!



ANYA: Oh now, come on! You're not even bumpy anymore.
SPIKE: (feeling his forehead) Oh. I was just a minute ago. Hang on; get me mad again.



SPIKE: You take the killing for granted. And then it's gone, and you're like… I wish I'd appreciated it more. Stop and smell the corpses, you know?



SPIKE: What are you doing? You brought me here?
XANDER: Anya? What are you doing? You brought him here?
SPIKE: That's what I said, only I hit the ”here“ part.



SPIKE: (about Xander) Who's the puffed up manly man, all splotchy and possessive?



ANYA: I'm just trying to tell you that we have nothing in common besides both of us liking your penis, and now I don't even have that!



TARA: (after watching Giles sing) Does he do this a lot?
XANDER: Sure, every day the Earth rotates backwards and the skies turn orange.



XANDER: So, with Buffy and Riley having… you know, acts of nakedness around the clock lately, maybe they set something free… like a big, bursting poltergasm.



MRS HOLT: I refuse to listen to this when I can smell the sin on each and every one of you!
XANDER: Yeah? You smell sin? Well, let me tell you something, lady. She who smelt it, dealt it! (to Giles) It’s like what you said, but faster.



New Moon Rising



BUFFY: God, I never knew you were such a bigot!
RILEY: Whoa, hey, how did we get to bigot? I'm just saying it's a little weird to date someone who tries to eat you once a month.



BUFFY: I want to hear about you and Oz. You saw him, right?
WILLOW: I was with him all night.
BUFFY: All night? Oh my God. (frowns) Wait, last night was a wolf moon, right?
WILLOW: Yup.
BUFFY: So, either you're going to tell me something incredibly kinky, or-



ADAM: Scout's honor.
SPIKE: You were a Boy Scout?
ADAM: Parts of me.



ANYA: (requesting high-five from Giles) Slap my hand now!



The Yoko Factor



XANDER: (handing Riley some clothes) Try those on. You'll feel like a new man.
RILEY: Would this man have a bright red nose and big floppy feet?



XANDER: (about Angel) It's not like I hate the guy. Just, you know, the guts part of him.



WILLOW: (on next year’s subjects) Maybe something fun, like drama. I could be dramatic. (to Miss Kitty Fantastico) ”You cannot have more catnip! You have a catnip problem.“



RILEY: Xander said-

BUFFY: Xander? Oh, he is the deadest man in Deadonia.



GILES: Whatever happened to Latin? At least when that made no sense, the church approved.



Primeval



ANYA: Xander! You said you wanted to check the board at the unemployment office this morning. (lifts up covers) You can't go like that. They won't even interview you if you're naked.



ANYA: So your friends think you’re a lost, directionless loser with no hope for the future. Pfft!



WILLOW: (when disk decrypts itself) That is so annoying! It's like someone blurting out the answer to a riddle just when you've- I mean, ”Yippee! We have the information”.



BUFFY: Xander!
WILLOW: Oh, wonderful Xander!
BUFFY: (hugging Xander) You know we love you, right?
WILLOW: We totally do.
XANDER: Oh God. We're gonna die, aren't we?



GILES: Xander, just because this is never going to work is no reason to be negative.



Restless



XANDER: Sometimes, I think about two women doing a spell, and then I do a spell by myself.



WILLOW: This drama class is just… I think they're really not doing things in the proper way, and now I'm in a play and my whole family's out there, and why is there a cowboy in “Death of a Salesman” anyway?



RILEY: I've come looking for a man. (directly at camera) A *sales*man.



GILES: (to Spike, while on swings) Go on, put your back into it! A Watcher scoffs at gravity.



GILES: Well, it appears she's never heard the fable about patience.

OLIVIA: Which one is that?

GILES: The one about the fox, and the, uh, less patient fox.



BALD MAN: I wear the cheese. It does not wear me.



GILES: (singing) Xander, help Willow. But try not to bleed on my couch; I’ve just had it steam-cleaned.



RILEY: We're drawing up a plan for world domination. (Looks back at Buffy, pleased.) The key element? Coffeemakers that think.


GILES: Somehow our joining with Buffy and invoking the essence of the Slayer's power was an affront to the source of that power.

BUFFY: You know, you could have brought that up to us *before* we did it.

GILES: (offended) I did. I said there could be dire consequences.

BUFFY: Yes, but you say that about chewing too fast



WILLOW: The spirit of the first Slayer tried to kill us in our dreams.

JOYCE: (concerned) Oh. You want some hot chocolate?


>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>SEASON 5 (hluti af henni)>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
Buffy vs. Dracula


XANDER: Shouldn't relaxing involve less exertion?

ANYA: Absolutely. Exertion can lead to sweatiness.

TARA: Which can cause the pain and heartbreak of stinkiness. Better to just stay put.

WILLOW: I think we've just put our finger on why we're the sidekicks.



DRACULA: I have no interest in you. Leave us.

XANDER: No, we're not going to (in accent) “leave you.” And where'd you get that accent, Sesame Street? (with accent) Vun, two, three – three victims. Mwa ha ha!



XANDER: Like any of that's enough to fight the dark master. (off everyone’s looks) …bator.



XANDER: I think you're drawing a low of crazy conclusions about the unholy prince. (off everyone’s looks) …bator.



WILLOW: A good Sunnydale rule of thumb? Avoid white-skinned men in capes.



The Real Me


BUFFY: Giles, are you breaking up with your car?

GILES: Well, it did seduce me, all red and sporty!



WILLOW: That's a work ethic! Buffy, you're developing a work ethic.

BUFFY: Oh, no. Do they make an ointment for that?



BUFFY: Boy, you've really thought this through. How bored *were* you last year?

GILES: I watched Passions with Spike. Let us never speak of it.



The Replacement


ANYA: But you have references.

XANDER: No, I have Albert, which is me doing an important voice. (Does important voice) ‘Xander Harris? An excellent tenant. And a very nice-looking fellow.’



WILLOW: I found a spell so you can't smell anything, but it does it by taking your nose off, so … no.



RILEY: People say they're recycling. (shakes head) They're not recycling.



RILEY: Psychologically, this is fascinating. Doesn't it make everyone want to lock them in separate rooms and do experiments on them? (off everyone’s looks) Just me, then.



BUFFY: [The Xanders are] kind of the same now.

GILES: Yes, he's clearly a bad influence on himself.



RILEY: Getting nostalgic?

XANDER: I don't know. At first it's just a place, then you start to make memories, and … then you're like, (pointing) that's where Spike slept, and (pointing) there, that's where Anya and I drowned the separvo demon. Oh! (points) and, and right there, that's where I got my heart all ripped out. (shakes head) I really hate this place.



Out of My Mind


BUFFY: You threw that vampire like he was a … teeny-weeny little vampire.



XANDER: I'm telling you Giles. You gotta set up a blind taste test and prove once and for all that generic amphibian eyeballs are just as good.



SPIKE: Oh Pacey, you blind idiot. Can't you see she doesn't love you?



JOYCE: I feel silly lying here like a lump!

WILLOW: You could make a game out of it. A-a very quiet game, about being a lump.



HARMONY: You know what it means that he can't hurt any living thing? It means he can't even pick flowers.

SPIKE: What? Yes I can!



No Place Like Home:



GILES: It appears to be paranormal in origin.

WILLOW: How can you tell?

GILES: Well, it's so shiny.



GILES: Did you see that? Customers! Real, live customers! They came in and I gave them things and they gave me money and then they left! It's brilliant!



SPIKE: You know, I really hope so because God knows you need some satisfaction in life besides shagging Captain Cardboard and I never really liked you anyway and… and you have stupid hair.



Family:



BUFFY: Giles, I noti