Jay Leno

February 5: “The big two hour Michael Jackson documentary that first aired in Britain will be on here tomorrow night. It's been retitled for the U.S. It will be called ‘Kids Fear Factor.’ ”

January 24: “NBC's ‘Dateline’ is going to have an upcoming show on Michael Jackson's face and how it has changed over the last 20 years. Michael is mad about this, just furious. In fact he's so mad that he had his plastic surgeon put a mad look on his face.”

David Letterman, “The Late Show with David Letterman”

February 3: “Michael Jackson says that he wants to live forever. This is true, he says that he just wants to live forever and ever. He wants to be able to dangle his great, great, great grandchildren off of windows.”

January 31: “There's a holiday special coming up that's going to be fantastic! In this one, Michael Jackson checks into a Bethlehem hotel and dangles his kids off a balcony.”

Conan O'Brien, “Late Night with Conan O'Brien”

February 5: “In a recent interview, Michael Jackson says that he has only had two nose jobs in his life and he had those done only so he could sing higher notes. He then went on to say that he had his testicles removed just for the fun of it.”

December 31, 2002: “Yesterday Diana Ross was arrested for drunk driving. When asked about it she said, ‘You would drink, too, if you looked like Michael Jackson.’ ”