(Þessi saga var samin á ensku í Ritlist í Háskóla Íslands á þessari vorönn og svona skilaði ég kennaranum henni. Hún kynni enn að taka e-um breytingum).

Fluffy The Chicken was a Sockpuppet who lived with his fellow Sockpuppets in Sockpuppetland, and was broadcast twice a week in a children’s show on the National Television. Among all the Sockpuppets, he was the most popular with the children and his compatriot Sockpuppets looked to him as their leader and revered him for his strong militant stance against the Happy Little Elves.
The Happy Little Elves where the Sockpuppets’ arch-enemies. Both sides claimed Sockpuppetland for themselves, for it was indeed a land to be coveted: large candy fields stretching out towards the horizon. Long ago, in the yore days of Season One, the Sockpuppets and the Happy Little Elves had coexisted in relatively peaceful harmony. The heads of the Network then decided that they didn’t care too much about the Happy Little Elves, so they got kicked out of the show, and suffered a long exile in Humanina. There, they were subject to repeated pogroms, but slowly sympathy rose for them, reaching its climax in The Sweeping Elf-craze of ’78, when they were finally brought back.
Now, the Happy Little Elves outnumbered the sockpuppets, but that was mostly due to the fact that entering the show, they kicked out a majority of the Sockpuppet cast, who now lived scattered around as refugees in the props-rooms of Studio 5.
The producers had tried to reconcile the two opposing sides, but to little avail. It was also rumored that the top-producers, and the owner of the network were more on the Happy Little Elves’ side,
One fine midsummer morning, Fluffy woke up from dreaming wet dreams about the sultry Pantyhose-puppets to hear someone gobbling outside his lollipop-house. As he walked out, he saw a horde of Happy Little Elves gathered around the lollipop house, chewing and licking way at it.
„What the fuck do you think your doing?“ Fluffy yelled at the Happy Little Elves.
„This is our house now, what’s ya gonna do, cry to the producers? They don’t give a shit about you. Besides, you’re house is extremely yummy. It sure as hell beats Celery-forest.“
To this, all the Happy Little Elves nodded.
To their surprise, Fluffy drew a flame thrower from his pocket. „Suck on this, bee-yotch“, he announced and brutally massacred them.
The stench of gasoline fumes and the embers from burnt dark-green carcasses rose up and vaporised into the clear air under the blue sky.
There was no turning back now, as far as Fluffy was concerned, and many of the Sockpuppets shared his belief. That same night, Fluffy gathered the other Sockpuppets for a meeting in his lollipop-house.
„They’ll be back, and in greater numbers“, he clucked in his shrill, high-pitched tone, „Too long have we suffered humiliation and oppression on account of the Happy Little Elves.
The producers and the children have done nothing for our cause. Day after day they confiscate more of our candy-fields and now they are destroying our lollipop houses. They even have the bloody nerve to call it Happy Little Elfland. I say we resist! We shall not watch the little Baby-Sockpuppets grow up under oppression, we have a divine right, offered to us by the maker himself, to defend ourselves against this nefarious scheme. Sockpuppets of the show, unite!
We will go to the Happy Little Elves’ homes, make a riot and and kill them, and the children of Humania will see. We will make a riot, massacre them, and the children of Humania will see. We will make a riot, butcher them and the children of Humania will see. We will make a riot, tear them to pieces, we will destroy with brutal force every last one of the Happy little elves, in the name of the maker, and the children will see. For only the maker is just, there is but one maker. All praise to the maker. We will make a riot, and the children in Humania will watch and see. They will join our side. They will make a riot and destroy our enemies. The producers will follow our just cause and Sockpuppetland will be reclaimed, lest we make a riot, destroy the producers and the Happy Little Elves in the name of the maker“.
As he spoke the last word, the Sockpuppets broke out in a frenzied unison: „All praise to the honourable Fluffy the Sockpuppet-chicken, messenger of the maker! All praise to the maker, for he is one, and he is just. He is mighty and wrathful! “
Fluffy cleared his throat and clucked: „Should we perish, victory is ours. 3000 unused pantyhoses wait for us beyond. It is noble to die for the maker and Sockpuppetland. We will not rest until every Happy Little Elf has been wiped from the face of the show. We will make a riot, infiltrate the minds of the children of Humania and teach them to hate and slaughter for our cause, until our glorious goal is reached. I, Fluffy, messenger of The Maker, have clucked.“
…

(At Bourgeois Boulevard, dear little Barnaby Burwinkel, 13 years old, is lying flat in the lazyboy-couch happily gobbling away at his twelfth greaseburger. This updated version of the chair is brillianty devised as to also being a toilet, equipped with wheels and mechanical legs to ensure that the customer will never have to get up again. He has just finished watching his favorite children show, The Sockpuppets and And Happy Little Elves’ Show. He steeres his chair over to his sister’s bedroom and brings out a ragged elf-doll. Half an hour later mum and dad return home)
Parents: Honey, we’re home!
(as there is no answer, they walk into the living room where dear little Barnaby is sitting in front of the TV, pale as bone and quite expressionless, sticking needles into the eyes of the elf-doll)
- Hmm… I say… That’s peculiar… Barnabykins, sweetywoowoo, why are you sticking needles into that odd elf-doll?
(Barnaby turns his head three circles, looks at them with the same pale expressionless face and answers in a deep monotonous voice:) –THE–TV–TOLD–US–TO–DO–IT. WE–ARE–LEGION–FOR–WE–ARE– MANY.– (Rips the head of the elf-doll and eats it. Long silence.)
-Riiiiiiiiight…
– ALL–HAIL–TO–THE—MAKER– (burp)
- Ehrm… honey, what say we turn the TV off just for now?
- I’m right there with you.
- I’ll fetch the valium.

(later, as the kid is stone-drugged, the conversation continues)

- I always feared there was something wrong with him, you know. Why couldn’t he just be like other normal kids? I tried to get him into listening to Severed Fetus but he never showed any interest. Where did we ever go wrong?
-All I know is that I wanted a dog. YOU on the other hand…
- Just, for heaven’s sake, keep him away from the chainsaw. I’ve never understood why you keep that thing in the house anyway…
- You stupid woman! For protection, of course! It’s my civil right!
- So, if someone was to break into the house, you’d simply saw him into little pieces with a chainsaw?
- Right! Finally we understand each other!
- He’s also taken an unhealthy affection to your old hockey mask.
- I can’t believe we’re having this conversation. Now, what possible harm could come from him liking my old hockey mask? You’re the one who’s always trying to get him into sports, aren’t you?
- You’re right. Maybe I’m just being too paranoid.
- Of course you are. Silly person. If we ignore the problem it’ll probably just go away.
- You’re right.

…

Sadly, this wasn’t a unique incident. Reports increased of little children molesting elf-dolls but now things were taking a sinister turn as the hostility was beginning to be directed at other creatures. At the Paddington’s home in Train Alley, Sir Meowsalot, the family cat, was found crucified with the cross turned upside-down. Elf-dolls were being burnt and soon the violence spread to the humans. Killings and murders spread, until there was a riot with brutal massacres. Whenever a child was interrogated, (where moderate pressure ws applied, such as public whippings) the answer was always similar to that of dear little Barnaby.
…
Meanwhile in Sockpuppetland/Happy Little Elfland, the feud kept burning, and the flames rose higher. The happy little elves had formed The Gallant And Handsome Happy Little Elf Defence Forces (GHHLEDF), employing the latest and most advanced modern technology in their struggle. During the first weeks, they bombed Sockpuppetvillage looking for Sockpuppet villains who had massacred three Happy Little Elves. The GHHLEDF took great pains in ensuring minimal collateral damage and avoiding casualties, resulting in only 60 Sockpuppets being casually collaterally damaged, 30 of them Pantyhoses and fifteen Babysocks. The cowardly Sockpuppets had sewed the Babysocks onto them, a spokesman of GHHLEDF claimed. The GHHLEDF put up a huge barbwire fence in the heart of the Sockpuppets’ main area, to protect themselves from the attacks of the savage Sockpuppets. The ones they captured alive they interrogated with moderate pressure akin to that applied by the authorities of Humania towards the suspected children. Controversy arose after a babysock was torn to shreds by a Happy Little Elf of the GHHLEDF, the GHHLEDF-Elf claiming that the babysock had indeed been armed with a pebble, to which the GHHLEDF-Elf’s AK-47 was no match. The case was settled with the GHHLEDF-Elf winning the case and the babysock’s family having to pay the GHHLEDF-elf compensation for the emotional trauma he claimed to have suffered from the harrowing attack. Not long after that, the family of the former babysock and current shreds joined Fluffy’s horrible terrorist-resistance movement. The same day, the GHHHLDF’ bombed the family’s house, among others, and all the inhabitants were liquidated.
…

Concerns grew in Humania about the effect of the show on the children, and the brutal massacres being committed. The host of Fair & Balanced News, Mr. Right invited Dr. Elfgrim, the crazy left-wing nutter and Mr. Sterling Pound, one of the top-producers of Elves & Sockpuppets on to his show, broadcast live, to discuss the current state of affairs:

Mr. Right: Ongrowing concerns have risen over the clashes between the two opposing factions in Sockpuppetland…
Mr. Pound: Happy Elfland!
Mr. Right: I’m sorry, Happy Elfland
Dr. Elfgrim: That is a matter of debate…
Mr. Right: ANYway, people are getting more concerned, after children have started brutally molesting elf-dolls and people. Dr. Elfgrim, I understand that you’re calling for the destruction of Happy Elfland?
Dr. Elfgrim: That’s not what I said. I fear that there will never be peace unless the grievances of The Sockpuppets are… -
Mr. Right: Dr. Elfgrim, why do you hate Happy Little Elves?
Dr. Elfgrim: What? I do not hate anyone. I am but one of the many worried about our children and would like that sockpuppet rights are respected. If this problem isn’t dealt with the show would have to be cancelled. We have to think of the chi…-
Mr. Right: Aren’t you yourself an Elf?
Dr. Elfgrim: Well, half…
Mr. Right: Isn’t it enough for you to hate yourself? Do you have to hate others too?
Mr. Pound: Cancel the show? That would be utterly irresponsible! Besides, the rating is soaring! The consumers love it! Violence has been with us since we were eating apples and fooling around with snakes. There was something called fairytales. Villains being severly punished the good ol’ fashioned-way. Dancing in white-glowing shoes and all that. I mean, what would you have us do? BAN all violence?
Mr. Pound & Mr. Right: HAHAHAHAHA!
Mr. Right: Ah, Dr. Elfgrim, you crack us up!
Dr. Elfgrim: I was not joking. This hate is poisoning children’s minds!
Mr. Pound: Don’t be ridiculous! We all now that these sheep HAVE no minds!
(silence)
Mr. Pound: Erhmm… this can be edited, right?

…

Weeks passed and the massacres continued. Drugging the kids just didn’t seem to do the trick. A few children passed away during such medical experiments but the experiments were done for their own good, as well as the society’s. Still, the voices of dissent grew louder, headed by the Association For Culture And Education. Finally Mr Pound and his colleagues had to bow to pressure and the show was cancelled. Mr. Pound was reported to have called the Association a bunch of fascists but later insisted that he had been misquoted. „I never said that they were fascists, I merely said that they were goat-fuckers“.
Fair & Balanced invited the head of The Association For Culture And Education, Herr Besserwisser for an interview, to which he gladly consented:
Mr. Right: Welcome to the show, Herr Besserwisser.
Herr Besserwisser: Thank you.
Mr. Right: You have succeeded in having The Sockpuppets & Happy Little Elfshow cancelled. Many in the public are angered at this, they feel there is a void that needs to be filled. Will you be kind to comment on that?
Herr Besserwisser: We at the Association For Culture And Education feel that there is an increased need for children to know more of our culture and heritage. Yet we don’t want it to grow stale. We want it to be alive and stimulating for the consumers, particularly the younger consumers.
Mr. Right: The children?
Herr Besserwisser: That’s what I said, yes.
Mr. Right: How do you intend to do that?
Herr Besserwisser: As you may know, we have for long grieved how the Colosseum has lain dormant. We want to restore that cultural heritage and let the consumers experience it live like it was in the old days. We have all the action and gut-spilling violence that you could offer! We have people fighting lions with their fists and legs, gladiators fighting each other and people having to fight off gladiators and lions with their fists and legs.
Mr Right: You’re not against violence, then?
Herr Besserwisser: (laughs) Oh, good heavens, no!
Mr. Right: This does sound like an excellent idea. How do you plan to find employees?
Herr Besserwisser: Ah, plenty of Polacks and Taiwanese where that came from!
Mr. Right: I see. What about wages?
Herr Besserwisser: Well, you know, as with all sports, there is a certain risk of getting injured. The collateral damage takes care of much of that.
Mr. Right: And the rest?
Herr Besserwisser: The Polacks will be offered a summer holiday to the South-Pole. The Taiwanese are paid with a lottery ticket in which they might win a bowl of rice. I here that rice is very popular with them.
Mr. Right: Indeed it is. So no controversy over this, then?
Herr Besserwisser: Well, the environmentalists DID voice concerns about the condition of the lions… “Cruelty to animals”, I think they called it. I do not agree with them on that point. Otherwise, expectations are high. The ticket-sales opened three weeks ago and it’s sold out for the next three months.
Mr. Right: Those viewers who haven’t acquired tickets by now will have to wait, then. Thank you very much for being with us on the show, Herr Besserwisser.
Herr Besserwisser: My pleasure to be here.

…

Nothing was heard from Mr. Sterling Pound for the next three months. When he finally returned to the spotlight, it was to announce the production of the Sockpuppet and Happy Little Elves DVD – Extended X-rated Version. It became a roaring success and he was back in the game. He also added that his company had ensured a contract with Hack & Slash Motion Pictures, (who’s film, “Not Another Spoof of a Spoof Movie was currently the most popular movie in cinemas) for at least nine films about Humania’s favorite Children Show-characters, the first one, „Of Roosting and Roasting – A Film For All The Family“ was scheduled later the same year. It became Humania’s most popular film to date and won special awards for „Best artistic use of senseless gore and brutal splatter violence“´.

…and as the song and dance begins, the children play at home
with needles; needles and pins.
– Genesis, “Broadway Melody Of 1974”, from The Lamb Lies Down On Broadway (1974)*



*With much respect and deepest apologies to past and present members of Genesis, particularly Peter Gabriel.