There's a debate between an optimist and a pessimist. The optimist says “This is the best of all possible worlds!” The pessimist responds, “Yeah!” How many apathetics does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Who cares? My favorite movie review: “This movie wasn't released, it escaped!” Do you know that program for Windows beginners named “Bob for Windows?” They're working on a version for the Mac – they're calling it “Bob for Apples.” What did the L.A gang member say when the houses fell...

One day Hanson and the Spice Girls were all on an airplane. They all got into a discussion when Baby Spice stated, “You know, I could toss a thousand-dollar bill out the window of this plane and make one person very happy.” Then the eldest Hanson brother said, “Well, I could toss 10 one-hundred-dollar bills out of the plane and make ten people pretty happy.” Then Sporty Spice said, “Well, I could toss 100 ten-dollar bills out of the plane, and make 100 people happy.” Then the middle Hanson...

A man is sitting at the bar in his local tavern, furiously imbibing shots of whiskey. One of his friends happens to come into the bar and sees him. “George,” says the shocked friend, “what are you doing? I've known you for over fifteen years, and I've never seen you take a drink before. What's going on?” Without even taking his eyes off his newly filled shot glass, the man replies, “My wife just ran off with my best friend.” He then throws back another shot of whisky in one gulp. “But,” says...

Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A: A good start! Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying? A: His lips are moving. Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road? A: There are skid marks in front of the dog. Q: Why won't sharks attack lawyers? A: Professional courtesy. Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand? A: Not enough sand. Q: How do you get a lawyer out of a tree? A: Cut the rope. Q:...

How did the blonde try to kill the fish?She tried to drown it. What do you call a bunch of blondes in a circle?A dope ring. How did the blonde explain how her helicopter crashed?She said it was getting cold, so she turned off the ceiling fan. Why did the blonde quit her job as a restroom attendant?He couldn't figure out how to refill the hand dryer. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your lawnmower?The green WELCOME mat is ripped all to shreds. How does a psychic refer to a...

At one bus stop, a woman got on, holding her baby. The bus driver said without thinking “Wow! That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen.” Angry, the woman slapped her fare into the fare box and stormed back to a seat near the rear of the bus. Seeing that she was upset, the man sitting next to her asked what was wrong. “That bus driver insulted me,” she said. “Why, he's a public servant.” The man replied. “He shouldn't be allowed to insult passengers.” “You know what,” the woman said, “you're...

Tony was in the hospital, near death. The family called their preacher to stand with them. As the preacher stood next to the bed, Tony's condition appeared to deteriorate and he motioned frantically for something to write on. The pastor lovingly handed him a pen and a piece of paper and Tony used his last bit of energy to scribble a note, then he died. The preacher thought it best not to look at the note at that time, so he placed it in his jacket pocket. At the funeral, as he was finishing...

Gift for the Teacher On a special Teacher's Day, a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it over her head, and said, “I bet I know what it is…some flowers.” “That's right!” said the boy. “But how did you know?” “Just a wild guess,” she said. The next pupil was the candy store owner's daughter. The teacher held her gift overhead, shook it, and said, “I bet I can guess what it is…a box of candy.” “That's right! But how...

Crossing the road one day, a man heard a frog call out to him “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.” The man picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog tried again, saying, “If you kiss me and turn me into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week!” The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, but then returned it to his pocket. Getting desperate, the frog yelled out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful...

Jimmy and Joe were just about the biggest baseball fans in America. They went to some 60 games a year. They even made a pact that whoever died first would try to return in spirit form and tell the other if there was baseball in heaven. Well, Joe finally died one summer night. A few nights later, the sound of his voice woke Jimmy from a sound sleep. “Joe, is that really you?” Jimmy asked. “Of course it's me.” Joe replied. “I can't believe it!” Jimmy said. “So is there baseball in heaven?”...

My friend wants me to go skydiving. I'm like, I don't know, it sounds dangerous. He says, “Oh, come on. You only live once.” I said, “Dude, that's my point!”