Hugi.is - Notendur

meiri redneck´s (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

Two rednecks drive through a gas station to fill up their truck. They notice a sign saying “Enter here for a chance at free sex!” They wander inside and ask the attendant how to enter. The attendant says that they have to guess a number between one and ten. The first guy guesses five. The attendant says, “Sorry, but the number is eight.” The second guy guesses seven and the attendant says, “Sorry, but the number was three.” As the two rednecks drive away, one of them turns to the other and...

Contractor (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out “GREEN SIDE UP!” In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled “GREEN SIDE UP!” The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a...

hillbilly joke (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

A young hillbilly makes an announcement at the dinner table that he is going to get married. The father asks, “Do we know her?” “No”, said the young man. Then the father asks, “Is she a virgin?” “Yes”, said the young man. “Well”, said the father, “If she ain't good enough for her own family - she ain't good enough for ours!!!”

svalur kall (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

After just a few years of marriage, filled with constant arguments, a young man and his wife decided the only way to save their marriage was to try counseling. They had been at each other's throats for some time and felt that this was their last straw. When they arrived at the counselor's office, the counselor jumped right in and opened the floor for discussion. “What seems to be the problem?” The wife began talking 90 miles an hour describing all the wrongs within their marriage. After 15...

Hvernig heimurinn væri ef konur réði (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

Men would get reputations for sleeping around. -Singles bars would have metal detectors to weed out men hiding wedding rings in their pocket. -Fewer women would diet because their ideal weight would increase by 30 pounds. -Men would not be allowed to eat gas-producing foods within two hours of bedtime. -Little girls would read “Snow White and the Seven Dorks”. -Men would HAVE to get Playboy for the articles because there would be no pictures. -Men would be required by law to learn phrases...

Pharmacist and Condoms (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants. “Well,” he said, “I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot. I want the condoms because I think tonight's ”the“ night. We're having dinner with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm gonna get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd better give me the 12 pack.” The...

ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken. IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board. OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything - bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain. QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will...

nokkrir góðir (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

On a very cold, snowy Sunday in February, only the pastor and one farmer arrived at the village church. The pastor said, “Well, I guess we won't have a service today.” The farmer replied: “Heck, if even only one cow shows up at feeding time, I feed it.” During a children's sermon, Rev. Larry Eisenberg asked the children what “Amen” means. A little boy raised his hand and said: “It means 'Tha-tha-tha- that's all folks!'” A student was asked to list the 10 Commandments in any order. His...

góður þessi (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!” His buddy looks at him and...

4 Golfers Sons (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

These four gents go out to play golf one sunny morning. One is detained in the clubhouse, and the other three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee. “My son,” says one, “has made quite a name for himself in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful in fact, in the last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift.” The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son...

ballerina (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

This big, nasty, sweaty woman wearing a sleeveless sundress walks into a bar. She raises her right arm, revealing a big, hairy armpit as she points to all the people sitting at the bar and asks, “What man out there will buy a lady a drink?” The whole bar goes dead silent, as the patrons try to ignore her. At the end of the bar, a skinny little drunk slams his hand on the bar and says, “Bartender! I want to buy that ballerina a drink!” The bartender pours the drink and the woman chugs it...

hhhehehe (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

———– A woman and a baby come into the doctor's office. She is taken into an examining room and waits for the doctor. After arriving there, the doctor examines the baby, and finds him not gaining much weight and asks the woman, “Is he breast fed or on the bottle?” “Oh…he is breast fed!”, replied the woman. “Well then, strip down to your waist,” orders the doctor. She takes off her top and bra and sits on the examing table. The doc starts pressing, kneading and pinching both breasts for quite...

ertu nógu gamall (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

Þetta er sönn saga úr dagblaði Guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but he refused and said, “Because I don't believe you are over 21.” The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point the...

Wrong Number (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

A guy calls home from work. A strange woman answers. The guy says, “Who is this?” “This is the maid,” answered the woman. “We don't have a maid!” “I was just hired this morning by the lady of the house.” “Well, this is her husband. Is she there?” “Ummm… she's upstairs in the bedroom with someone whom I just figured was her husband.” Now he guy is angry. He says to the maid, “Listen, would you like to make $50,000?” “What do I have to do?” “I want you to get my gun from the desk in the den...

sálfræðingurinn Abby (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into their apartment or come out. Do you think they could be Lebanese? ————————————- Dear Abby, I suspected that my husband had been fooling around, and when I confronted him with the evidence he denied everything and said it would never happen again. ————————————- Dear Abby, I...

?????? (3 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

Q: What is the definition of confusion? A: 20 blind lesbians in a fish market.

Sex Change (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

A man is sitting at a bar, when a good-looking woman sits next to him. After a while she says, “Hi Bob.” “Do I know you?” he replies. “You sure do… it's me, Frank, your best friend.” “My GOD, Frank… it IS you!! What the hell….??!!” I went to Sweden and got a sex change.“ ”Wow, it's amazing! You really ARE a woman! Tell me something… does it hurt when they cut your penis off?“ ”Yeah… yeah that hurts, alright. But I'll tell you, it doesn't hurt NEARLY as much as when they stick that metal tube...

To My Darling Husband, (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

I'm sending you this letter in a bogus software company envelope so you'll be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what's been going on since your computer entered our lives two years ago. The children are doing well. Tommy is 7 now and is a bright, Handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project. All the figures were good but yours was excellent! The chair and back of your head are very...

dánarfregnnir (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

Three friends die in a car crash, and they find themselves at an orientation to enter heaven. They are all asked, \\\“When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?\\\” The first guy says, \\\“I would like to hear them say that I was a great doctor of my time, and a great family man.\\\” The second guy says, \\\“I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our...

segið satt (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

A woman and her son were in the kitchen one afternoon when he just returned home from school, the young boy soon asks,“ Mother how old are you? That s none of your business!,” the mother says, “how much do you weigh?”, he then asks, “That's none of your business!”, the mother replies, “Why are you and dad divorcing?”, he asks again, “That is none of your business!” the mother replies again. So the next day he asks his friends how to find out this information about his mother, Go and look at...

SALT OG PIPAR (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

Sneezing Attack A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has...

syngjum saman (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

I love my job, I love the pay ! I love it more and more each day. I love my Boss, he's the best ! I love his boss and all the rest. I love my office and its location I hate to have to go on vication. I love my furniture, drab and gray, and the paper piles up every day ! I love my chair in my padded cell ! There's nothing else I love so well. I love to work among my peers I love their leers and jeers and sneers. I love my Computer and all its Software, I hug it often though it doesn't care… I...

Getnaðarvarnir (3 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

An elderly woman went into the doctor`s office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied - “I`d like to have some birth-control pills.” Taken back, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, “Excuse me, Mrs.Smith, but you`re 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?” The woman responded, “They help me sleep better!” The doctor thought some more and continued… “How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?” “Simple, I put them in my...

pósturinn (8 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

A nice young worker from the post office was sorting through her regular envelopes when she discovered a letter addressed as follows: GOD c/o Heaven Upon opening the envelope, the letter enclosed told about a little old lady who had never asked for anything in her life. She was desperately in need of $100 and was wondering if God could send her the money. The young lady was deeply touched, and she passed the hat among her workmates. She managed to collect $90, and she sent it off to the old...

er þetta einthvað sem vil viljum að börnin okkar þ (12 álit)

í Börnin okkar fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

ég var að fara út með ruslið, og sé ég ekki eina kínvesska kellingu vera hálf oní ruslafötunni. Þegar ég reyndi að vísa henni burt kunni hún ekki einu sinni islensku. ég spyr er þetta það sem við viljum að flytja inn svona útlenska aumingja? er ekki nóg af fátækt á íslandi svo við þurfum ekki að flytja inn atvinnuleysingja Ég hef sjaldan orðið jafn brjálaður og kellingin átti fótum fjör að launa þetta er ekki veruleiki sem mín börn eiga að horfa upp á. hvert er ykkar álit á svona ? viljiði...

Notendur

meiri redneck´s (0 álit)

Contractor (0 álit)

hillbilly joke (0 álit)

svalur kall (0 álit)

Hvernig heimurinn væri ef konur réði (0 álit)

Pharmacist and Condoms (0 álit)

ODD SIGNS FROM ENGLAND (0 álit)

nokkrir góðir (0 álit)

góður þessi (0 álit)

4 Golfers Sons (0 álit)

ballerina (0 álit)

hhhehehe (0 álit)

ertu nógu gamall (0 álit)

Wrong Number (0 álit)

sálfræðingurinn Abby (0 álit)

?????? (3 álit)

Sex Change (0 álit)

To My Darling Husband, (0 álit)

dánarfregnnir (0 álit)

segið satt (0 álit)

SALT OG PIPAR (0 álit)

syngjum saman (0 álit)

Getnaðarvarnir (3 álit)

pósturinn (8 álit)

er þetta einthvað sem vil viljum að börnin okkar þ (12 álit)

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