Hugi.is - Notendur

Klár kengúra... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 1 mánuði

A kangaroo kept getting out of his enclosure at the zoo. Knowing that he could hop high, the zoo officials put up a ten- foot fence. He was out the next morning, just roaming around the zoo. A twenty-foot fence was put up. Again he go out. When the fence was forty feet high, a camel in the next enclosure asked the kangaroo, “How high do you think they'll go?” The kangaroo said, “About a thousand feet, unless somebody locks the gate at night!”

KARLMENN... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 1 mánuði

A beautiful woman is out shopping one day and hears two men who are walking behind talking about her. One guy says “Wouldn't you like to get into her pants one day?” and the other leers and agrees that would be great! The woman turns around and says to them both “Thanks, but no, guys. One asshole in my pants is enough for me!!” ******************************************************* At one of the last all girl schools in Dallas years ago, the instructor in a “Charm Course” was urging her...

Óþekktarangi... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 1 mánuði

An old county doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby. It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring mother and her 5 year old child The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby. The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his...

Damage control... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 1 mánuði

After attending a party for his boss, the life of the party was nursing a king-size hangover and asked his wife, “What the hell happened?” “As usual, you made an ass of yourself in front of your boss,” replied the wife. “Piss on him,” answered the husband. “You did,” said the wife, “and he fired you.” “Well, fuck him,” said the husband. “I did, and you go back to work in the morning.”

Bankarán... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 1 mánuði

Two lawyers are in a bank, when, suddenly, armed robbers burst in. While several of the robbers take the money from the tellers, others line the customers, including the lawyers, up against a wall, and proceed to take their wallets, watches, etc. While this is going on lawyer number one jams something in lawyer number two's hand. Without looking down, lawyer number two whispers, “What is this?” To which lawyer number one replies, “It's that $50 I owe you.”

Tíuþúsund dollarar.. (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 1 mánuði

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the back yard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door....

Þrjár Vampírur... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 1 mánuði

Three vampires go into a bar. The bartender goes up to the first one and say, What do you want? The vampire says, “I want a pint of blood”. Then bartender goes to the second vampire and asks what he wants. The second vampire says he wants a pint of blood too. The bartender goes to the third vampire and he says, “What do you want?” The third vampire says, “I want a pint of plasma”. The bartender thinks for a minute as says, “Let me see if I've got this right. That's two bloods and a blood light?”

Starfsumsóknir.. (Bara í Bandaríkjunum) (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 1 mánuði

JOB APPLICANT STORIES We've all been interviewed for jobs. And, we've all spent most of those interviews thinking about what not to do. Don't bite your nails. Don't fidget. Don't interrupt. Don't belch. If we did any of the don'ts, we knew we'd disqualify ourselves instantly. But some job applicants go light years beyond this. We surveyed top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations and asked for stories of unusual behavior by job applicants. The lowlights: 1. Said he was so...

Home sweet home... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 1 mánuði

The angry wife met her husband at the door. There was alcohol on his breath and lipstick on his cheek. “I assume, she snarled, that there is a very good reason for you to come waltzing in at six o'clock in the morning?” “There is, he replied, breakfast.”

Mamma ég er ólétt... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 1 mánuði

“Mom, I'm pregnant.” “How can that be? What did I tell you about sex? ”That I should take measures. That's what I did! I took measures and then went with the biggest."

Það var einusinni Pólverji... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 1 mánuði

A man of Polish ancestry walked up to the counter and asked for a Polish Meatball Sandwich. The man at the counter said, “What a Pollack.” The Polish man said, “I resent that. If a Jew came to your counter and asked for a kosher salami on rye, would you call him a stupid Jew.” “Probably, ” replied the clerk. “And if an Italian came in here and asked for spaghetti and meatballs, would you also insult him?” “Probably,” the clerk again replied. “Why you're nothing but a bigot. Why do you have...

Blessuð dýrin. (4 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 1 mánuði

Now that fur is starting to become fashionable once again, a lady donned her full length mink and went to the Mall. She was stopped by an animal rights activist. “Look Lady, do you know how many animals had to die in order to make that coat?” she demanded. “And do you know how many animals I had to screw to get it?” sneered the fur wearer back.

Alltaf gaman að kafa... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 1 mánuði

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever. The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, “How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?” The guy took the board and chalk,...

Tvö fífl... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 1 mánuði

Two morons are trying to measure a telephone pole. They keep trying to climb it and keep sliding down. Along comes this really big, musclebound shmuck and says, “Hey, what are you guys doing?” The two idiots say, “We're trying to measure the height of this pole.” The schmuck wraps his arms around the pole, pulls it out of the ground, lays it down and measures it. Then he picks it up, puts it back in the ground, says “40 feet” and walks away. The first moron says to the other, “What a stupid...

Brjáluð ökuferð... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 1 mánuði

It was 2:00 a.m. and a California Highway Patrol officer was sitting behind a billboard, eating a donut and watching his radar gun. Suddenly WHOOOOOM!!!! A car speeds past him topping out at 104 miles per hour. The cop jumps in his car and chases after the reckless driver. He sees the speeding car weaving all over the road, and when the cop put on his siren, the driver panicked and drove into the oncoming traffic lane. He zoomed past cars and trucks, all frantically skidding and honking...

Á dánarsænginni... (1 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 1 mánuði

An old Jewish patriarch is laying dying in his bed. Naturally, all his family is standing around him praying for his soul and waiting for him to die. The old man raises himself on his elbows and looks around him with great difficulty. “Abraam, are you here?” “Yes, father”, comes a voice from someone. “Sarah, are you here?” “Yes, my husband”, another voice comes from the crowd around him. “Rebbeca, are you here?” “Yes, uncle.” “Isaac?” “Yes, grandfather.” “Saoul?” “Yes, father.” The old man...

Það hlaut að vera... (1 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 1 mánuði

Two men are having a beer and the conversation turns to women and sex as it often does. “Do you know why women fake orgasm?” the younger one asks. “Yes” says the other man “they still don’t realize that we don’t care.”

Hvaða stærð viltu??? (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 1 mánuði

A man walks in to the country store and asks the clerk for a package of condoms. The clerk asks “what size are you?” “I dunno” replies the man. Well the clerk tells him to go out back where there is a plywood fence with numbered holes in it. He is told to stick it in various holes to determine his size. Well, this big ‘ol fat girl sees the man heading out back and runs around behind the fence. As soon as the man sticks it thru the hole, the fat girl picks up her moo-moo and backs up to the...

Ævintýri... (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

Litla stúlkan var að hlusta á mömmu sína lesa eitt af sínum uppáhalds ævintýrum. “Mamma” spyr stúlkan, “byrja öll avintýri á ”Einu sinni var…?“” “Nei ástin mín,” svara mamman, “stundum byrja þau á 'Ástin mín, ég þarf að vinna svolítið frameftir á skrifstofunni í kvöld…”

Hjóna og giftinga húmor [á ensku] (0 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

Fékk þetta sent í email. Þetta er svo satt… ———————————————- Marriage Humor In the beginning, God created earth and rested. Then God created man and rested. Then God created woman. Since then, neither God nor man has rested. —– If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The Dog of course…at least he'll shut up after you let him in! —- Marriage is a three ring circus: 1.engagement ring 2.wedding ring 3.suffering —– Married life...

Fylkir á titil skilinn, eða hvað??? (8 álit)

í Knattspyrna fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

Fylkir tapaði titlinum vegna þess að þeir gerðu 5 jafntefli í sumar. Jafntefli á móti ÍBV, Leiftri, KR, Keflavík og Breiðablik. Síðan töpuðu þeir á móti ÍBV, KR og Grindavík. Þannig af 18 leikjum í deildinni þá unnu þeir aðeins 10. Það eru allir að tala um það að Fylkir átti titilinn skilið og svo framvegis. Ég er allveg sammála því að Fylkir stóð sig mun betur í sumar en nokkur þorði að vona. En að þeir hafi átt titil skilið er víðs fjarri. Fylkir náði ekki að vinna KR í sumar, ekki ÍBV og...

Auglýsingahlé í kvikmyndir á RÚV (9 álit)

í Hugi fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

Hvað er fólk að spá??? Það er ekki nóg með það að auglýsingartímar eru að gera alla brjálaða á Stöð 2, þegar þeir rjúfa þætti í miðjum klíðum til að setja inn auglýsingar, heldur er RUV að spá í að setja auglýsingarhlé á þær kvikmyndir sem þeir sýna um helgar. Þetta finnst mér of langt gengið. Ef að þetta gegnur eftir þá geri ég þá kröfu að skylduáskrift mín að RUV falli niður. Ég hef ekki áhuga á að horfa á kvikmyndir sem eru með hléi. Ég er mótfallinn þessu í bíó og sjónvarp er engin...

Hvernig væri... (14 álit)

í Box fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

… að fá nýja spurningu hérna á BOX síðuna? Þessi er búinn að vera í 5-6 vikur og er farinn að verða svolítið þreytt. Það kemur á móti að það er ekkert markvert búið að vera að gerast í boxinu í dágóðann tíma. Næst er reyndar viðureign Tyson og Golota, þar sem Golota tekur heimska gæjann og lemur hann í kássu. Það er kominn tími til að einhver kenni Tyson (Hr. Vitleyingur) lexíu. Ég vona innilega að það verði Golota sem að geri það. Nóg í bili. Xavie

Kaup á merkjurum fyrir LBFR (14 álit)

í Litbolti fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

Í kvöld var haldinn almennur félagsfundur í Litboltafélagi Reykjavíkur.<br><br> Á fundinum kom fram að SS Stál Í Hafnarfirði er orðið umboðsaðili fyrir fjölmörg fyrirtæki í litboltavörum. Þeir telja að þeir geti hafið innflutning um miðja næstu viku á merkjurum og jafnvel fyrr á grímum og aukabúnaði. SS Stál ætlar að vera með smádót og grímur á lager og hugsanlega allra ódýrustu merkjarana.<br><br> Þetta flýtir fyrir öllu hjá okkur og núna erum við á fullu að klára að finna þá skápa sem við...

Þrekraun [Enskur] (6 álit)

í Húmor fyrir 24 árum, 2 mánuðum

Það voru 2 vinir, hvítur maður og blökkumaður. Kvöld eitt eru þeir á bar að rífast yfir því hvor þeirra getur “gert það” oftar á einu kvöldi. Þeir ákveða að útkljá málið með því að fara í vændishúsið í bænum og gera prufu á því hvor þeirra heldur út lengur. Þannig að þeir fara í vændishúsið, ná sér í konu hvor og fara til herbergja sinna. Hvíti maðurinn tekur þetta með trukki fyrsta skiptið, teygir sig í blýant og merkir “ | ” á vegginn. Síðan sofnar hann. Hann vaknar aftur eftir nokkra tíma...

Notendur

Klár kengúra... (0 álit)

KARLMENN... (0 álit)

Óþekktarangi... (0 álit)

Damage control... (0 álit)

Bankarán... (0 álit)

Tíuþúsund dollarar.. (0 álit)

Þrjár Vampírur... (0 álit)

Starfsumsóknir.. (Bara í Bandaríkjunum) (0 álit)

Home sweet home... (0 álit)

Mamma ég er ólétt... (0 álit)

Það var einusinni Pólverji... (0 álit)

Blessuð dýrin. (4 álit)

Alltaf gaman að kafa... (0 álit)

Tvö fífl... (0 álit)

Brjáluð ökuferð... (0 álit)

Á dánarsænginni... (1 álit)

Það hlaut að vera... (1 álit)

Hvaða stærð viltu??? (0 álit)

Ævintýri... (0 álit)

Hjóna og giftinga húmor [á ensku] (0 álit)

Fylkir á titil skilinn, eða hvað??? (8 álit)

Auglýsingahlé í kvikmyndir á RÚV (9 álit)

Hvernig væri... (14 álit)

Kaup á merkjurum fyrir LBFR (14 álit)

Þrekraun [Enskur] (6 álit)

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