When the body was first made, all the parts wanted to be Boss. The brain said, “I should be boss because I control the whole body's responses and functions.” The feet said, “We should be Boss as we carry the brain about and get him to where he wants to go.” The hands said, “We should be the boss because we do all the work and earn all the money.” And so it went on and on with the heart, the lungs, and the eyes until finally the asshole spoke up. All the parts laughed at the idea of the...

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early. “Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “let's go home early tomorrow. She'll never know.” So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does. The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband having sex with the female boss! She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time. “That was fun,” says the...

As an atheist walked through the forest, he smiled at the beauty that was all around him and said, “What natural wonders the powers of evolution have created.” Just then he heard a rustling near the river. He went to investigate and a 7-foot-tall grizzly bear was tearing down the path towards him him. The man took off like a shot, and when he got up the courage to look back, he saw the bear was catching up fast. He tried with all his strength to pick up the pace, but he tripped and crashed...

It was Christmas Eve and a woman came home to her husband after a day of busy shopping. Later on that night when she was getting undressed for bed he noticed a mark on the inside of her leg. He asked her what it was she told him that she had visited the tatoo parlor that day and on the inside of one leg she had “Merry Christmas” tatooed, and on the inside of the other one she had “Happy New Year.” Her husband asked her what all that meant and her reply was, Well, now you can't complain that...

A little kid sits on Santa's lap, and Santa says, “What would you like for Christmas?” The kid says, “A fucking swingset.” Santa says, “You'll have to ask nicer than that if you want Santa to bring you presents. Let's try again. What else would you like?” The kid says, “A fucking sandbox for the side yard.” Santa says, “That's no way to talk to Santa. One more time. What else would you like for Christmas?” The boy thinks for a minute, and then he says, “I want a fucking trampoline in the...

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you're an engineer – you're in the wrong place.” So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After awhile, they've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone...

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the “no haggle” attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, “Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!” The shopkeeper said, “By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch...