A local charity office realized that it had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?” The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and...

A Navy Chief and an Admiral were sitting in the barbershop. They were both just getting finished with their shaves — the barbers were reaching for some after-shave to slap on their faces. The admiral shouted, “Hey, don't put that stuff on me! My wife will think I've been in a whorehouse!” The chief turned to his barber and said, “Go ahead and put it on. My wife doesn't know what the inside of a whorehouse smells like.”

Ljóska labbar að gossjálfsala og setur pening í. Niður dettur ein gosdós. Ljóskan lítur steinhissa í kringum sig en hleypur síðan og nær í meiri mynt. Hún kemur til baka að sjálssalanum og byrjar að hlaða peningum í vélina. sjálfsalinn hefur varla undan að koma gosdósunum frá sér. maður kemur labbandi að sjálfsalanum og bíður í smá stund. hann spyr ljóskuna loksins hvort henni sé ekki sama þótt hann fái að komast að . ljóskan snýr sér við og gargar framan í manninn: Ertu vitlaus maður !!...

Morris calls his son in New York. and says, “Benny, I have something to tell you. However, I don't want to discuss it. I'm merely telling you because you're my oldest child, and I thought you ought to know. I've made up my mind, I'm divorcing Mama.” The son is shocked, and asks his father to tell him what happened. “I don't want to get into it. My mind is made up.” “But Dad, you just can't decide to divorce Mama just like that after 54 years together. What happened?” “It's too painful to...

After a day fishing in the ocean a fisherman is walking from the pier carrying two lobsters in a bucket. He is approached by the Game Warden who asks him for his fishing license. The fisherman turns to the warden, “I did not catch these lobsters, they are my pets. Everyday I come down to the water and whistle and these lobster jump out and I take them for a walk only to return them at the end of the day,” he says. The warden, not believing him, reminds him that it is illegal to fish without...

Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop. The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year's supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti. Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush. About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize,...

Grave Concern A friend of mine was married to a great gal. Unfortunately, he had to put up with his wife's mother who was a very cranky and spiteful person. In the morning when my buddy got up to go to work, his mother-in-law would sneak around a hallway corner and hiss at him, “If you don't treat my daughter right when I die I'll dig up from the grave and haunt you!” When the poor guy would stop in for lunch, his mother-in-law would blurt out while hiding behind a drape, “If you don't treat...

Cannibal Run A Frenchman, an Englishman and an American were captured by cannibals. The chief comes to them and says, “The bad news is that now we've caught you and we're going to use your skins to build a canoe. The good news is that you can choose how to die.” The Frenchman says, “I take ze sword.” The chief gives him a sword. The Frenchman says, “Vive la France!” and runs himself through. The Englishman says, “A pistol for me please.” The chief gives him a pistol. The Englishman points it...

Einu sinni var stelpa að labba á ströndinni og þar sá hún allsberan kall. Hún labbaði til hans og bennti á tippið á honum og sagði “hvað er þetta” þá sagði hann “þetta er öndin”. “en hvað er þetta” spurði hún og bennti á pungin á honum þá sagði hann “þetta er eggið”. “en hvað er þetta” og bennti á hárin á honum þá sagði hann “þetta er hreiðrið”. svo sofnaði maðurinn á ströndinni en vaknaði skömmu síðar við ægilega kvöl. “hvað ertu að gera” öskraði kallin á stelpuna, þá sagði hún "ég var að...