Reporter Gayle: [ater pulling all the killed children on one spot so she can stand in the middle] Gary, wait.
Reporter Gayle: [putting some drops into her eyes so it looks like she is crying] Ok, roll it Gary. Make me a star.
[sad music begins to play]
Reporter Gayle: This is Gayle Ravinson reporting live from Little Germany Theme Park or what will forever be known as “The place were the laughter died”. Celebrity icon Verne Troyer is currently missing or presumed dead. The coward responsible for this massacre has been described as a rodent-like man with red hair and wearing a peace t-shirt. Back to you Bob. Oh, thats right - You're dead.

Candidate Wells: [in front of Habib's Lucky Ganesh] George W. Bush is a sham. He's an actor. That's not even his real name!
Mohammed: [confronting Habib inside Habib's Lucky Ganesh] He knows too much!

Dude: Oh, it's the moo-cow from the welfare office.
[imitating her]
Dude: Sorry, we're closed… BITCH!
[the Postal Dude runs her over and she gets thrown on the other side of the street where she gets hit by another car which throws her back where she gets hit by a police car which stops immediately]
Officier John: What was that?
Officer Greg: [gets out of the car and takes a look] I thought we'd had a flat but we just ran over some girl. Thank God…
[Takes out walkie-talkie]
Officer Greg: I got a dead body on Maple…
[When asked to repeat the location]
Officer Greg: Maple, like the syrup.

Candidate Wells: And NASA, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration, does not exist. All the space missions we were told about since we were little kids in school: Creations of Hollywood! We never landed on the moon. There is no John Glenn.

Peter: [as the Postal Dude is walking by] Speaking of crazy, have you seen that guy's wife?
Paul: Yeah, she's hard to miss.
Peter: She's a good fuck though.
Paul: You fucked her?
Peter: Several times! She's got a clapper in her trailer. The lights go on and off and on and off!
[laughs]
Peter: Makes you feel like a rock star!
[both laugh]
Paul: Let’s go to the trailer!

Candidate Wells: All 3000 people who died in the World Trade Center attack were not heroes. They were bankers! People who would like nothing stand in the way of making a quick buck. Why are they heroes? Because they died? What about the 17 million Africans and Arabs who have died in civil wars since 9/11? Is a life only of value if the media are interested in reporting it?

Uwe Boll: You know, there're all that rumors out there that my movies are financed with nazi-gold? And what should I say? It's true! But somebody needs to do something with the money.
Old Lady in Audience: Do you know that my father died in Auschwitz?
Uwe Boll: My grandpa died also in Auschwitz.
Uwe Boll: [pause] He fell from a watchtower.

Uwe Boll: I get a little horny on here on stage sometimes. If you see the crowd and all that children.
Morning show host Bob: Are you fucking kidding me?

Paul: I knew this one girl that thought sperm was medicine. All she wanted to do was suck cock. Then she got 3 little children. So she used to put sperm into their bottles to build up their immune system. They all got AIDS.

Uwe Boll: I am also happy to have today here Verne Troyer, the star of my next movie.
Morning show host Bob: That's right. And your press release says that that film is a new paradigm of cinema. An epic romance that outstrips stories from the past, present and future. An fairy tale, that only the heart can understand. That sounds amazing, what's it called?
Uwe Boll: Pong.

Blither: [Dude has just seen the decapitated heads on some spikes] I see you noticed the heads. Motivational. Those were every fucking bastard I had to climb over to get this job.
Dude: [shocked] Jesus!
Blither: [laughs] No, no! They're paper miche!
[to Recorder]
Blither: Heh, he thought they were real!
[to Dude]
Blither: Sit down.
[Dude sits down as he notices one of the heads is bleeding]