MICHELLE: One time, at band camp, I put my flute up my pussy. What, you don't think I know how to get myself off?

[During sex.]
STIFLER'S MOM: Oh, Finch!
FINCH: Oh… Stifler's Mom!

JIM:I would like to make an announcement. There is a beautiful woman masturbating on my bed.

[At jazz choir rehearsal]
CHRIS “Oz” OSTREICHER: So what'd you think?
KEVIN: I thought you sounded really good.
STIFLER: I think you need your balls reattached.

JIM'S DAD: I have to admit, you know, I did the fair bit of [hesitates] masturbating when I was a little younger. I used to call it stroking the salami, yeah, you know, pounding the old pud. [pause] I never did it with baked goods, but you know your uncle Mort, he pets the one-eyed snake 5-6 times a day.

CHRIS “Oz” OSTREICHER: Suck me, beautiful.