What did the cannibal do after he had dumped his girlfriend?

Wiped his ass.

…

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

‘Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?’

‘Negative, ma’am. Just serious by nature.’

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, ‘It looks like you have seen a lot of action.’

‘Yes, ma’am, a lot of action.’

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, ‘You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself.’

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, ‘You know, I hope you don’t take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?’

‘ 1955, ma’am.’

‘Well, there you are. No wonder you’re so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to ‘relax’ him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, ‘Wow, you sure didn’t forget much since 1955.’

The Sergeant Major said in his serious voice, after glancing at his watch, ‘I hope not; it’s only 2130 now.’

….

A police officer came upon a terrible car crash where two people had been killed. As he looked at the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, “I wish you could talk.”

The monkey looked up at the officer and nodded his head.

“You can understand what I'm saying?”asked the officer.

Again, the monkey nodded.

“Well, did you see what happened?”

The monkey nodded. He pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up to his mouth.

“They were drinking?” asked the officer.

The monkey nodded. The monkey then pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth, sucking deeply.

“They were smoking marijuana too?” asked the officer.

The monkey nodded. He made a sexual sign with his fingers

“So they were playing around as well!?” asked the astounded officer.

Again, the monkey nodded.

“Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smokiing and playing around before they wrecked the car?”

The monkey nodded.

“What were you doing during all this?” asked the officer.

The monkey held up his hands on an imaginary steering wheel.

…..

I've often been asked, “What do you do now that you're retired?”

I say, “Well, I don't have much of a chemical background but
I spend a lot of time recycling oxygen into carbon dioxide,
but the one I enjoy the most is turning beer into urine!”

……..

Little Wally asked his mother, ‘How did the human race appear?’
The mother answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve and they had children and then all mankind was made.’

Two days later Wally asked his father the same question.

The father answered, ‘Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.’

Confused Wally returned to his mother and said, ‘Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they developed from monkeys?’

The mother answered, ‘Well, son, it’s very simple: I told you about my side of the family, and your father told you about his.'