Stallone, Schwarzenegger, van Damme, and Seagal are sitting in a pub discussing upcoming projects. Stallone says “why don't we do some sorta action movie about classical composers? I've always fancied playing Beethoven.”
“Brilliant” says van Damme. “I'm sure I could play a mean Tchaikovsky.”
Seagal nods and says “I've got Rimsky-Korsakoff down pat, guys.”

Schwarzenegger finishes his beer and says…

“I'll be Bach.”


The lifeguard told the mother to make her young son stop urinating in the pool.
“Everyone knows,” the mother lectured him, “that from time to time, young children will urinate in a pool.”
“Oh really?” said the lifeguard, “from the diving board!?!?”


How many of the Lost cast does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but it will take 20 episodes.


What's the difference between a famliy reunion and a “69”?
In a “69” you only kiss one cunt!


Picture the scene; 1984, a supermarket in Austria.

Josef Fritzl; “Now, Elisabeth, give me a hand with putting these groceries in the trolley.”
Elisabeth; “Up yours, Dad! I'm eighteen! I wanna go to the Wham concert with my friends, then see Ghostbusters at the cinema, and there's nothing you can do about it, old man!”
Josef; “Just wait ‘till I get you home, young lady! You’re gonna get such a hiding…”