So, a man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a fancy dress party.

He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress hire company to explain his problem.

A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

“Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg, you will look just right as a pirate.”

The man is offended that the outfit emphasises his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

“Dear Sir,

Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head, you will really look the part.”

The man is really incandescent with rage now as the firm have gone from emphasising his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.

A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

“Dear Sir,

Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.”


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So, a Scotsman and an Englishman were sitting enjoying a pint when the Englishman said: “See if I finished my drink, walked back to your house, made love to your wife and she gave birth nine months later, would that make us related?” And the Scotsman replied: “Naw, it would make us even …”


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Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China?

Everybody won.


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Women eh!

Boob jobs, nose jobs, teeth bleaching, tummy tucks, lipo suction, colonic irrigation, botox, pierced ears, nipples, bellys and clits, eyebrows plucked, bikini wax, armpits shaved, lips tattooed, legs waxed, diets, exercise and they STILL wont take it up the arse cause it ‘hurts’.


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A black man takes a girl home from a nightclub. She says ‘Show me it’s true what they say about black men'… So he stabbed her and nicked her purse.


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A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him, he can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks. ‘Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids’ she says.

The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says ‘fucking hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate stuck a brush up my arse?’

'No' she replies ‘I’m your son's English teacher!'


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A man says to his wife ‘tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time’.

His wife replies ‘You’ve got a bigger dick than your brother'


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Allir teknir af www.nobullshitclan.co.uk