In order to earn some money whilst she was studying to become a mortician, a blonde student took a part-time job at a local undertakers, preparing the bodies of the deceased who were scheduled for open casket viewing.

On her first day on the job, the body of a man who had just passed away was delivered to the undertakers, dressed in a very expensive and beautifully tailored black suit.

The Blonde remarked to the deceased man's wife that her late husband looked very hansome and elegant in his black suit and asked if that is how she would like him to be dressed for the viewing.

The greiving widow shook her head sadly and said that although he did indeed look good in black, she had always thought that he looked his very best in dark blue, and that she would prefer to see him in that colour.

She gave the Blonde a blank signed check and said, “I don't care how much it costs, but please see to it that my dear husband is dressed in a really nice, good quality, dark blue suit … that is how I want to remember him.”

Early the very next morning, the lady was surprised to receive a phone call from the Blonde to say that the preparation of her late husband was complete and asking if she would like to come down to ensure that everything that had been done met with her approval.

Upon her arrival in the viewing chapel, the woman was delighted to see her husband dressed in an absolutely gorgeous, perfectly-fitting dark blue suit, with a subtle chalk stripe.

With a tear in her eye, she said to the Blonde, “No matter how much this cost, I'm very satisfied indeed.You have done an excellent job and I'm so very grateful… but just out of interest, what was the actual price of that beautiful suit?”

To her astonishment, the Blonde handed her back her blank check, and said; “It's all right Ma'am, there's no charge.”

“No, I insist!” said the widow, “That dark blue suit is absolutly exquisite and it fits him so very well … I must compensate you for getting it made so quickly!”

“Honestly, Ma'am,” the Blonde said, clasping the widow's hands gently. “It's really not necessary, there was no additional cost involved.”

“You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing this very attractive dark blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him being viewed wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference to her, just as long as he looked nice.”

“So I just switched the heads.”

———————–

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts i t over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any drugstore.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

“Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.”

The pharmacist fainted.

———————–

The boss wondered why one of his most dependable and valued employees had not phoned in sick one day. Having an urgent problem with one of the main computers, he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper.

“Hello?”

“Is your daddy home?” he asked.

“Yes,” whispered the small voice.

“May I talk with him?” he asked.

The child whispered, “No.”

Surprised and still wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, “Is your Mommy there?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“May I talk with her?”

Again the small voice whispered, “No.”

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, “Is anybody else there?”

“Yes,” whispered the child, “a policeman”.

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, “May I speak with the policeman?”

“No, he's busy”, whispered the child.

“Busy doing what?”

“Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman,” came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, “What is that noise?”

“A helicopter” answered the whispering voice.

“What is going on there?” demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

Again, whispering, the child answered, “The search team just landed a helicopter.”

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, “What are they searching for?”

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle… “ME.”

———————–

A very sexually promiscuous young man, who thinks that only wimps use condoms, goes on holiday to China, and spends the whole two weeks visiting every Chinese brothel and massage parlor he can find.

A week after arriving back home, he wakes up one morning with his penis feeling as if it's on fire, to find his pride and joy visibily pulsating and covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately rushes off to see his doctor.

The Doctor carefully examines his throbbing, technicolour member and after about an hour of searching through his entire reference library, finally says: “I'm really very, very sorry, but I've got some extremly bad news for you … you've contracted a very bad case of Mongolian VD.”

The man looks just a little perplexed and says: “Oh, that's a bit of a bugger, I've got a few hot dates lined up this week! Oh well, they'll just have to wait … give me a shot or whatever and fix me up, Doc.”

The doctor answers: “I'm terribly sorry, but there's no known cure for this particular strain of VD. We're going to have to amputate your penis.”

The man's face goes white and he screams in horror: “Cut off my penis?? … Are you mad?!?! … l want a second opinion!!”

The doctor sadly shakes his head and replies: “That's entirely up to you of course, but in all honesty, surgery is your only option … there is just no other alternative!”

The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease.

The Chinese doctor takes one look at his penis and immediately proclaims: “Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Velly rare disease. Velly painful.”

The guy says to the doctor: “Yes! Yes! Yes! I already know that, but what can I do about it? My doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!”

The Chinese doctor thows back his head and laughs: “Stupid western doctas, always want to opelate. Make more money that way. No need opelate … no need.”

“Oh, thank God!” the man gasps: I don't have to have my penis cut off? You're sure?? Your really, really sure???“

”Oh, yes … velly, velly sure!“ nods the beaming Chinese doctor: ”You no need worry. You just wait two weeks … then it fawl off all by itself.“

———————–

Little Sally came home from her first day at primary school.

Her mother sat her down at the kitchen table with a big glass of milk and some of her favorite cake, sat down in front of her and said; ”Well..? Tell me all about it … how was your first day at ‘big’ school?“

”Oh, it was really, really good Mum,“ said Sally, munching away at her cake. ”My new teacher, Miss Smith, she's really, really nice, and so are all the boys and girls in my class.“

”And did you make any new friends?“ asked her Mother.

”Oh, yes,“ replied Sally, as she took a drink of milk, ”I made lots and lots. One of them is called Frankie Brown … and he showed me his willy.“

Before her shocked mother could utter a word, Sally went on to say, ”It reminded me of a peanut.“

Hiding a relieved smile, her Mum, with a little laugh, said, ”Oh, I see … really small was it?“

Sally replied, ”No … salty!“

———————–

Threat of Terrorist Attack Causes Hightened Levels of Alert Throughout Europe:

Due to the recent spate of terrorist activity and the strong likelyhood that major terror attacks may be imminent, the British Government has raised the country's security level from ”Miffed“ to ”Quite Peeved.“
A source close to the Prime Minister has hinted that security levels may be raised yet again, from ”Quite Peeved“ to ”Really Irritated“ or perhaps, even as high as ”A Bit Cross.“ Londoners have not been ”A Bit Cross“ since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out.
Terrorists have been re-categorized from ”Tiresome“ to ”A Bloody Nuisance.“ The last time the British issued a ”Bloody Nuisance“ warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

The French Government also announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from ”Run“ to ”Hide.“ The only two higher alert levels in France are ”Collaborate“ and ”Surrender.“ The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that completly destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

It's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert. Reports are coming through that Italy has increased it's alert level from ”Shout Loudly and Excitedly“ to ”Elaborate Military Posturing.“ Two more levels remain, these being: ”Ineffective Combat Operations“ and ”Change Sides.“

The Germans have also increased their state of alert; from ”Disdainful Arrogance“ to ”Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.“ They also have two higher security levels: ”Invade a Neighbor“ and ”Lose."

The Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are actually worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all very excited at the news that their new Submarine Fleet is ready for deployment. These beautifully designed craft have all been fitted with glass bottoms, so the new Spanish Navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish Navy.