Last week I got a new radio in my car. It's great!

I shout “Rock and Roll” and it plays rock and roll. Elvis, Jerry Lee Lewis and the lot.

I shout “Soul” and it plays soul, lotsa soul. Marvin Gaye, Aretha Franklin, and the rest.

Today some kids ran out in front of the car. I shouted “F@ckin' kids!” And it played Michael Jackson and Gary Glitter.

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Bloke walks into a sex shop & asks for a inflatable doll.

Assistant says ‘No problem sir, what skin colour black or white?’

Bloke fancying something new & different says ‘Black please’

Assistant goes. ‘Ok sir. Christian or Muslim?’

Bloke goes ‘Chrisitan or Muslim?? You on a wind up?? What difference does it make??’

Assistant ‘ The Muslim one blows itself up’

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Apparently Kate Moss offered to shag Jeremy Clarkson the other night after he whooed her with chat up line “Hi I'm Jeremy Clarkson, I've been doing Top Gear for years”. “Good” says Kate “lets go back to your place and I'll have 4 grams please!”

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A pirate walked into a bar and the bartender said,
“Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible.”

“What do you mean?” said the pirate, “I feel fine.”

“What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before.”

“Well, we were in a battle and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now.”

“OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?”

“We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook. I'm fine, really.”

“What about that eye patch?”

“Oh, one day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up and one of them crapped in my eye.”

“You're kidding,” said the bartender, “you couldn't lose an eye just from bird sh*t.”

“It was my first day with the hook.”

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A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has screwed him
for ten million bucks.

This bookkeeper is deaf, and it was considered an occupational
benefit why he got the job in the first place, since it was assumed that a
deaf bookkeeper would not be able to hear anything and never have to
testify in court.

When the Godfather goes to shakedown the bookkeeper about his
missing $10 million bucks, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign
language.

The Godfather asks the bookkeeper: “Where is the $10 million bucks
you embezzled from me?

The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the
money is hidden.

The bookkeeper signs back: ”I don't know what you are talking
about.“

The attorney tells the Godfather: ”He says he doesn't know what
you're talking about.“

That's when the Godfather pulls out a 9mm pistol, puts it to the
bookkeeper's temple, cocks it, and says: ”Ask him again!“

The attorney signs to the underling: ”He'll kill you for sure if
you don't tell him!“

The bookkeeper signs back: ”OK! You win! The money is in a brown
briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens!“

The Godfather asks the attorney: ”Well, what'd he say?“

The attorney replies: ”He says you don't have the balls to pull
the trigger."