Q: How does every ethnic joke start?

A: By looking over your shoulder.

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Q: What have women and condoms got in common?

A: If they're not on your dick they're in your wallet.

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Gary came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife Dionne who was already
asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed wearing a long flowing white robe. “Who the hell are you?” Demanded Gary, “and what are you doing in my bedroom?”. The mysterious Man answered “This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter”. Gary was stunned “You mean I'm dead!!! That can't be, I have so much too live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family….you've got to send me back straight away”. St Peter replied “Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.” Gary was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later he was covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. “This ain't so bad” he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said “So you're the new hen, how
are you enjoying your first day here?” “It's not so bad” replies Gary, “but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode”.
“You're ovulating” explained the rooster, “don't tell me you've never laid an egg before”. “Never” replies Gary “Well just relax and let it happen”
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time. When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness
was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that ever happened to him…ever!!! The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting…….






“Gary, wake up you drunken bas*tard, you're sh*tting the bed”

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Kiwi walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says:
“Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.”

His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies:
“I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot.”

The man says: “I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you.”

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A very confident James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your date running late?” “No,” he replies, “Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it.” The intrigued woman says, “A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?” Bond explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically, the lady says, ”What's it telling you now?“ ”Well, it says you're not wearing any knickers….“ The woman giggles and replies,
”Well it must be broken because I am wearing knickers!“
Bond smirks, taps his watch and says, ”Bloody thing's an hour fast."