Þessir eru mjög langir. En samt ALGJÖR snilld. Þið ættuð að lesa þá alla. Og ef að þið lesið þá ekki, þá er mér andskoti sama og vill ekki heyra um hvað þið getir ekki haldið einbeitninni nógu lengi til að lesa þá, svo bara svara ef þið lásuð þá.


An out of work pianist with Tourettes Syndrome is strolling around the
streets and bars of Dublin one unemployed afternoon. Walking down Dawson
Street he sees a lounge bar with a sign in the window ‘Pianist wanted for
evening performances’.

'F*cking get in there you c*nt!' he says to himself and goes to the bar.

'Get the f*cking manager of this pigs sh*t middle class w*nk hole please
you c*nt', he says to a somewhat startled barman.

The barman however obliges and his manager comes upstairs.
'Can I help you sir?' he says

'Yes you can you fat piece of sh*t, I saw your poxy advert in the c*nting
window and I'm here to audition…..w*nker.'

The manager is naturally put off by the man's abrasive manner but his dire
need for a top class pianist forces him to agree to an audition. The
first tune the Pianist plays is an uplifting jazzy number, not too
involving, yet utterly melodic. At the end the thrilled barman cries,
'Wonderful, wonderful. What was that called?'

'That song, you big nosed twat, was called “Excuse me prime minister but I
just jizzed in your daughter's eye, and now the c*nts blind…'

'Oh' says the manager ‘err, can you play me another. Something a little
less ”lively“.’

'W*nker..' interjects the pianist before launching into a powerful ballad
which leaves the manager in tears. The manager through his salty teardrops
asks him the title.

'That little number was called ”Sometimes when you do a bird up the sh*t
box you get crap on your bell end.'

'I see' says the manager, ‘Have you got any songs with less offensive
titles?’

'Well there's my jazz number “Do you want me to split your ringpiece”, or
there's the epic “I don't care if you're older my dear, you've still got
nice jugs”.

'Look' says the manager interrupting, ‘I think you’re a superb pianist but
the title of your songs are a little “racy”. I will hire you on the
condition that you do not introduce your songs or speak to the audience.'

'f*ck it' says the pianist ‘Why not’.

On his first night everything is going superbly the crowd are lapping up
his repertoire and his silence is being received as modesty. The only
thing putting off the pianist is that in the front row there is a gorgeous
blonde in a black evening dress with a split up the side revealing the
tops of her stockings, and a plunging neckline which boasts a proud and
inviting cleavage. During the interval the pianist has got such a stonking
hard on that he decides to go to the bog and knock one out.

Just as he has shot his muck he hears himself being re-introduced over the
tannoy, so he rushes back to the stage and finishes his act. After the
show he is at the bar relaxing when the blonde approaches him.'Hi' she
says. ‘Hello’ he winces, struggling to hold in the expletives.

She leans over and whispers in his ear, ‘Do you know your cock is hanging
out of your trousers, and spunk is dribbling onto your shoes?’

'Know it?'

says the pianist putting his beer on the bar confidently,

'I f*cking wrote it !!!'




Late one night, a guy is drinking all alone at the bar when three of his friends come in. One of them slaps him on the back and says, “Hey, man! … what are you doing in here all alone? Shouldn't you be at home making wild, sweaty love to that hot, ultra-sexy young girlfriend of yours around about now? … From what we hear, you two have practically lived in the bedroom since you shacked up together. Awww, don't tell me … trouble in paradise already?”

“Ok! Ok! …I know the score!” the lone drinker says, putting both hands up in surrender, “I know I won't get any peace from you guys until you get every gory detail! Well, everything was going really great, until last night…………..”

“We had a nice, quiet, intimate meal at home, with soft music, candlelight, a couple bottles of good wine … y'know, the whole ‘romantic’ thing. After the meal, we had quite a few more drinks and got into to some pretty heavy petting that ended up with me picking her up and carrying her into the bedroom. We stripped off pretty quick and got into bed and things really started to heat up, and then to get really, really hot!

The next thing I knew, just as I was about to climb on, she just stopped dead and said, ”No, Darling … stop! I'm sorry, but I just don't feel like doing it tonight … all I really want is for you to hold me close for a little while.“

I couldn't believe my ears! I sat straight up and said, ”WHAT??!! … You want me to just STOP??!! … NOW??!! … In THIS condition??!! … WHY??!!“

It was then she came out with those bloody words … you know the ones … the ones that every guy on the planet dreads to hear …

”You're just not sufficently in touch with my emotional needs as a woman for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.“

Then she really put the boot in … she laid her hand on my cheek, looked into my eyes with a really pained expression on her face, and said in a sad little voice, ”Can't you just love me for myself … for who I am as a person … and not just for what I do for you in the bedroom?“

Well, obviously there was no chance of anything happening after that, so I rolled over … with some difficulty, if you know what I mean … and eventually got to sleep.

This morning, when we woke up, I was really nice to her and over coffee told her that to make up for last night, I was going to take the day off work and spend some real quality time with her. I took her downtown to a really nice little restaurant and over lunch told her that I was taking her to that big new ladies fashion shop, boutique place … y'know, the really expensive one that just opened … and that she could pick out whatever she wanted for herself.

I stood around, very patiently, while she tried on outfit after outfit, and dress after dress… all very expensive, of course … until she ended up trying to decide which one, out of the three she liked best, she would take. After about ten minutes watching her trying to make up her mind, I leaned over and said, ”Look …if it's too difficult to choose one, just take all three … it's alright with me, I don't mind.“ You should have seen her … her eyes opened so wide they almost popped out of her head, and she looked as if she was about to pass out.

While the outfits were being wrapped up, she looked over at the shoe display and said that she really needed to get a new pair of shoes that would compliment all her new clothes. I immediately agreed with her, and said, ”Yeah, I do too … but I think it would be better if you get three new pairs … one for each outfit.“ I think she wet herself.

After getting her shoes, all three pairs, we were walking past the jewellery counter when she spotted a pair of diamond earrings and asked the assistant if she could have a look at them. It was pretty obvious that this time she was trying to find out just how far I was prepared to go to please her and just how far she could push it.

She held the the earrings up to her ears and looked at me with her head tipped over to one side, and said in a high-pitched, little girlie sort of voice, ”Oh, these are soooo beautiful … I just love these diamond earrings, can I have them, Daddy? Can I? Oh, please say yes, Daddy … please, please, pleeeease????“

I smiled at her and said, ”They look really lovely on you Darling, so yes, you can have them … and we'll take the matching diamond bracelet as well,“ The expression on her face was absolutly priceless. Let me tell you … she looked as if she was going to have an orgasm right there and then, right in the middle of the shop!!

So there we were, me loaded down with six shopping bags full of new clothes and new pairs of shoes and her, with a big radiant smile on her face, practically jumping up and down with excitement, clutching her one little jewellery bag. She gave me a big sloppy kiss on the cheek and said, ”Well, I think we've got everything, Darling … now all you have to do is to pay the lady,“ and started to head towards the cashier's counter.

I didn't move. I just stood there and said, ”No, Darling … stop! I'm really sorry, but I just don't feel like doing it today.“

She uttered a strangled sounding, ”… WHAT???“ as she turned back to face me, her mouth hanging wide open with shock.

I carefully piled everything I was carrying into her arms and said, ”Darling, all I really want is for you to HOLD these things close for a little while. You see … you're just not sufficiently in touch with my financial needs as a man for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.“

Then I went in for the kill … I reached out and gently stroked her cheek, looked into her eyes and with a sad little smile, said, ”Oh Darling, can't you just love me for myself … for who I am as a person … and not just for the things I buy for you?“

So, that's why I'm not having any sex tonight or any other night in the foreseeable future …. but at least now, the bitch knows exactly how I felt last night!!!


Oh, ……. and the Doctor at the Hospital has assured me that the damage to my testicles isn't permanent.”