A young woman asks her mother, “Mom, how many kind of penises are there?”
The mother, surprised, answers, “Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree.”

“A Christmas tree?”

“Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only.”








There was a cat and a rooster wondering by a lake. Both were famished, looking for any food they could find, but to no avail. Later on, the rooster finds himself focusing upon a worm, inching its way nearby. The rooster then proceeds to chase and then pounce on the worm, eating it quickly. Resting after his meal, he rubs his belly in pure satisfaction.

The cat looks at the rooster and thinks to himself, “Well, if he can do it, I can do it.” Not long after the rooster eats his worm, the cat spots a mouse scurrying nearby the lake. The cat raises its tail, arches its back, and with all its might, attempts to pounce on the mouse, only to end up in the lake.

What is the moral of the story?

Where there is a satisfied cock, there is a wet pussy…



Famous sex quotes:



1. “I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”

–Steve Martin

2. “You know that look women get when they want sex? . . .Me neither.”

–Drew Carey

3.
“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.”

–Unknown

4.
“If it weren't for pickpockets I'd have no sex life at all.”

–Rodney Dangerfield

5.
“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday
night.”

–Woody Allen

6.
“Homosexuality is God's way of insuring that the truly gifted aren't burdened with children.”

–Sam Austin

7.
“I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.”

–George Burns

8.
“It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.”

–Matt Barry

9.
“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”

–George Burns



Quotes from famous people



“I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.”
- Tom Clancy

“You know ”that look“ women get when they want sex? Me neither.”
- Steve Martin

“Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.”
- Woody Allen

“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.”
- Rodney Dangerfield

“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 500SL.”
- Lynn Lavner

“Leaving sex to the feminists is like letting your dog vacation at the taxidermist.”
- Matt Barry

“Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.”
- Camille Paglia

“Sex is one of the nine reasons for reincarnation. The other eight are unimportant.”
- George Burns

“Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.”
- Sharon Stone

“My girlfriend always laughs during sex ~ no matter what she's reading.”
- Steve Jobs (Founder, Apple Computers)

“I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ”Guess“ on it., so I said ”Thyroid problem?'“
- Arnold Schwarzenegger

”Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.“
- Tiger Woods

”My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.“
- Jack Nicholson

Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.”
- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady, and you didn't think Barbara had a sense of humour!)

Ah, yes, Divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet.“
- Robin Williams

”Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself.“
- Roseanne

”Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place.“
- Billy Crystal

”According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful.“
- Robert De Niro

”There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?“
- Dustin Hoffman

”There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, ‘I know what I’m doing. Just show me somebody naked.'“
- Jerry Seinfeld

”Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and just give her a house.“
- Rod Stewart

”See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time.“
- Robin Williams





Words of wisdom



For new fathers, or anyone thinking about becoming

a father, you must learn these WORDS OF WISDOM:

Don´t ask me, ask your mother.

Close the door. Were you raised in a barn?

You didn´t beat me. I let you win.

Who said life was supposed to be fair.

This will hurt me a lot more than it hurts you.

You call that noise ”music“?

No, we´re not there yet.

When I was your age, I treated MY father with respect.

As long as you live under my roof, you´ll live by my rules.

Because I said so. That´s why.

Do what I say, not what I do.

So you think you´re smart, do you?

If I´ve told you once, I´ve told you a thousand times.

You want something to do? I´ll give you something to do.

I´m not just talking to hear my own voice!

What do you think I am, a bank?

What part of NO don´t you understand?

I don´t care what other people are doing! I´m not everybody else´s father!

If you´re gonna be dumb, you´ve gotta be tough.

Enough is enough!

Don´t make me stop the car!

—————————————

STRONG SIGNS YOU NEED A VACATION FROM DOGS

1. When your spouse's shocked voice shouts from the shop, ”Honey, come

quick, I've had a terrible accident!“, you show up breathless with a mop

and scent neutralizer.

2. You wake panicked in the middle of the night when you sense you

suddenly have room to move your body around the bed.

3. You can't sleep unless you hear lots of heavy breathing in your

bedroom

4.The emergency number on your speed dialer is for the dog's

veterinarian.

5. When someone taps you on the shoulder, you tell them firmly, ”Off!“,

then ”Down!“.

6. When tempers flare among your family members, you pull out the long

forefinger, pointedly raise your voice and shout, ”Go to your crates,

now!“

7. When someone asks what's for dinner you automatically reply,

”Kibbles and Bits“.

8. When you are walking a ring around the local park and someone points

at you and your dog, you raise both arms over your head, whoop and go

looking for a ribbon.

9. When shopping, your best friend asks you what you think of that

snappy suit in the window, and you scowl and mutter, ”Useless, it is the

same color as my dog and it has no pockets.“

10. When your neighbor points to her crawling infant and asks you what

you think of her new baby, you study it for a minute and reply, ”Well, a

little short on coat and long in the hock, but that kid has a great

topline!“

11. Dog cookies are starting to look good.

12. What's a vacation?

———————————————-

Donald MacDonald from the Isle of Skye went to study at an
English university and was living in the hall of residence with
all the other students there. After he had been there a month,
his mother came to visit him.
”And how do you find the English students, Donald?“ she asked.
”Mother,“ he replied, ”they're such terrible, noisy people. The
one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't
stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.“
”Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy
English neighbors?“
”Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here
quietly, playing my bagpipes.“


Great Thinkers of Our Time?

Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?
Answer: ”I would not live forever, because we should not live
forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would
live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not
live forever.“
– Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss USA contest

”Whenever I watch TV and see those poor starving kids all over
the world, I can't help but cry. I mean I'd love to be skinny like
that but not with all those flies and death and stuff.“
– Mariah Carey

”Researchers have discovered that chocolate produces some of the
same reactions in the brain as marijuana. The researchers also
discovered other similarities between the two, but can't remember
what they are.“
– Matt Lauer on NBC's Today show, August 22

”I haven't committed a crime. What I did was fail to comply with
the law.“
– David Dinkins, New York City Mayor, answering accusations
that he failed to pay his taxes.

”Smoking kills. If you're killed, you've lost a very important
part of your life.“
– Brooke Shields, during an interview to become spokesperson
for a federal anti-smoking campaign

”I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my
body.“
– Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward

”Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime
rates in the country.“
– Former Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, D.C.

”We're going to turn this team around 360 degrees.“
– Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks

”I'm not going to have some reporters pawing through our papers.
We are the president.“
– Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed
documents

”China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.“
– Former French President Charles De Gaulle

”That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a
jackass, and I'm just the one to do it.“
– A congressional candidate in Texas

”When I have been asked during these last weeks who caused the
riots and the killing in L.A., my answer has been direct and simple:
Who is to blame for the riots? The rioters are to blame. Who is to
blame for the killings? The killers are to blame.“
– Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social
issues behind the Los Angeles Riots

”I don't feel we did wrong in taking this great country away
from them. There were great numbers of people who needed new
land, and the Indians were selfishly trying to keep it for
themselves.“
– John Wayne

”Half this game is ninety percent mental.“
– Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
”It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the
impurities in our air and water that are doing it.“
– Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

”Without censorship, things can get terribly confused in the
public mind.“
– General William Westmoreland

”It's like changing the rules in the middle of the stream.“
– Rev. Jesse Jackson

”I don't know of anyone who wants this to be over more than me,
except maybe everyone else in America.“
– President William Jefferson Clinton

”What a waste it is to lose one's mind. Or not to have a mind
is being very wasteful. How true that is.“
– Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

”If you let that sort of thing go on, your bread and butter will
be cut right out from under your feet.“
– Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin

”I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix.“
– Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle

And in 2000, our boy Dan was quoted as saying that the
Republicans would definitely nominate someone this time who
would beat Bill Clinton. Of course the 22nd amendment precludes
Bill from running again…

Skrýtinn þessi gaur:

ATHENS, Texas (AP) - A man who pleaded guilty to aggravated
assault had an additional six months tacked onto his
eight-year sentence after he mooned the judge.
Judge Jim Parsons held 40-year-old Ray Mason in contempt
of court Monday after he dropped his pants and showed
Parsons and the rest of the court his backside.
He said something like, ‘Hey, judge, look at this,’
Assistant District Attorney Barry Spencer recalled. About
70 other people were in the courtroom at the time, Spencer
said.
”I've been practicing criminal law for well over 20 years,
and I've seen a lot of things,“ said Mason's defense
attorney John Sickel. ”This is the first time anything
like that has happened.“

FREE TO A GOOD HOME:

”Woman Tries to Give Away Dad on Internet“ – AP headline

Police Dept. Chips
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Police Dept. Voice Mail
Hello, you have reached the ____________
Police Department Voice Mail.
Pay close attention as we have to update
the choices often as new and unusual circumstances arrive. Please select
one of the following options:
- To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem
you created for yourself,
press 1.
- To postulate whether someone has to die before we'll do something
about a problem, press 2.
- To report an officer for bad manners when in reality
the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe,
press 3.
- If you would like us to raise your children,
press 4.
- If you would like us to take control of your life
due to your alcoholic or chemical dependency,
press 5.
- If you would like us to instantly restore order
to a situation that took years to deteriorate,
press 6.
- To provide a list of police officers you personally know
so we will not take enforcement action against you,
press 7.
- To sue us, tell us you'll have our badge,
and how you pay our salary, or proclaim our career is over, press 8.
- To hear this menu again, wrap aluminum foil around
your head and turn around three times.


A Chap walks up to another chap in a pointed hat and says:
Chap: You're Merlin aren't you?
Merlin: Why yes… it's nice to be recognized!
Chap: Bit of a Wizard… I hear?
Merlin: Well Yes… I've been told I'm skilled.
Chap: Do tricks and things… don't ya… Magical stuff?
Merlin: Magical… yes that's correct.
Chap: Turn Kings into Frogs… and that sort of thing… Is that right?
Merlin: Well Yes… I suppose I could Turn a King into a Frog!
Chap: Ever Mucked up… Ya know, made a mistake?
Merlin: Well Yes… hasn't everyone?
Chap: Can you reverse a curse?
Merlin: Yes I can… with knowledge of who applied the Curse and the
actual words of enchantment, I could do it… Why?
Chap: I'm Cursed
Merlin: Really… and how long have you been bewitched?
Chap: Years…..
Merlin: Do you know the words spoken over you to lay this curse?
Chap: Yeah .. can't forget them!
Merlin: What were they?
Chap: something like… Do you take this women to be your lawfully
wedded wife?


PROBLEM: Two Videos are for sale - Which to Buy? Titanic or The Clinton
Video

TITANIC VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet
CLINTON VIDEO: $9.99 on Internet

TITANIC VIDEO: Over 3 hours long
CLINTON VIDEO: Over 3 hours long

TITANIC VIDEO: The story of Jack and Rose, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.
CLINTON VIDEO: The story of Bill and Monica, their forbidden love, and
subsequent catastrophe.

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack is a starving artist
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill is a bullshit artist

TITANIC VIDEO: In one scene, Jack enjoys a good cigar
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Bill

TITANIC VIDEO: During ordeal, Rose's dress gets ruined
CLINTON VIDEO: Ditto for Monica

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack teaches Rose to spit CLINTON VIDEO: Let's not go
there
TITANIC VIDEO: Rose gets to keep her jewelry CLINTON VIDEO: Monica's
forced to return her gifts

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose remembers Jack for the rest of her life
CLINTON VIDEO: Clinton doesn't remember Jack

TITANIC VIDEO: Rose goes down on a vessel full of seamen
CLINTON VIDEO: Monica…uh, never mind

TITANIC VIDEO: Jack surrenders to an icy death
CLINTON VIDEO: Bill goes home to Hillary … basically the same thing.


Once upon a time, in Colorado, the chief of an Indian tribe,I believe
it was
the Navajos, had a very beautiful daughter. And she was of marrying
age.
And many, many braves were wanting the daughter's hand in marriage.
Well,
being a wise chief, he decided that he wanted his daughter to marry
the
bravest and strongest and wisest brave of the bunch. So he held a
contest.
All the eligible bachelors were to go hunting and the brave that
brought
back the biggest and best catch would be given the chief's daughter in
marriage.
A lot of braves turned out for this event. On Monday morning they
all set
out, bows and arrows in hand. Well, on Tuesday afternoon, all the
braves
had brought their killings in except for three: Running Bear, Sitting
Bull,
and Falling Rock.
On Wednesday morning, Running Bear brought in a really big black bear,
weighing 480 pounds and 7 foot in length. The chief was quite
impressed.
This was the best killing of all so far. But, of course, they had to
wait
for the remaining two before he could award his daughter to Running
Bear.
Well, on Wednesday night, Sitting Bull brought back a really, really
big
cougar, even bigger than the black bear that Running Bear had come
home
with. The cougar weighed 620 pounds and was 7 1/2 feet long.
Clearly,
Sitting Bull was about to win the chief's daughter's hand in marriage.
Excitement rose within the camp. Everyone was pretty sure that
Falling Rock
couldn't top Sitting Bull's catch!
Thursday came and went ….. Friday came and went ….. Saturday came
and
went ….. The weeks turned into months and the months into years,
and still
Failing Rock did not return.
It was obvious, the chief couldn't wait forever for Falling Rock to
return.
So he granted his daughter to Sitting Bull and they lived happily ever
after, and the tribe no longer waited for the wayward brave, but they
did
keep their eyes open when out on the trails. And today you will
still see
in Colorado those signs that say,
”Watch for Falling Rock.“
What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in a million become a human being.

A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available: a brand new
Ferrari 550. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it
costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops for red light.
An old man on a moped (about 75 years old) pulls up next to him.
The old man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks,
”What kind of car ya' got there, sonny?“
The young man replies, ”A Ferrari 550. It cost half a million dollars !“
”That's a lot of money, “says the old man. ”Why does it cost so much?“
”Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!“ states
the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, ”Mind if I take a look inside?“
”No problem,“ replies the owner.
So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks
around. Then sitting back on his moped, the old man says, ”That's a
pretty nice car, all right…but I'll stick with my moped!“
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show the
old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and within
30 seconds the speedometer reads 160 mph. Suddenly, he
notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and suddenly,
whhhoooossshhh!
Something whips by him, going much faster!!!! ”What on
earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?!“ the young
man asks himself. He floors the accelerator and takes the Ferrari up to
250 mph. Then, up ahead of him, he sees that it's the old man on the
moped. Amazed that the moped could pass his Ferrari he gives it some
more gas and passes the moped at 275 mph. Whoooooosh!
He's feeling pretty good until he looks in his mirror and
sees the old man gaining on him again. Astounded by the
speed of this old guy he floors the gas pedal and takes the Ferrari all
the way up to 320 mph.
Not ten seconds later he sees the moped bearing down on him again. The
Ferrari is flat out and there's nothing he can do.
Suddenly the moped plows into the back of his Ferrari, demolishing the
rear. The young man jumps out, and unbelievably, the old man is still
alive !!!
He runs up to the mangled old man and says, ”Oh my God! Is there
anything I can do for you?“
The old man whispers with his dying breath, ”Unhook my suspenders from
your side-view mirror“.
Here is a list of bad things that can happen to you, from not-so-bad to extremely bad. The numbers on the right are units of ”badness“, known to the philosophy set as dolors. You can read more about those on philosophy websites. Please don't write me to tell me I've spelt ”dollars“ wrong.

Adding a bad thing is temporarily suspended until I get my new Database configured. Sorry!


Bad Thing
Dolor Value


you sneeze more than 3 times in a row
0.01


You get in your car after leaving the windows open, close the windows, turn on the air conditioning and then discover there is a gigantic wasp flying around the inside of the car.
0.01


you figure out that you have more hair on your butt than on your head
0.01


cops bust party and make you pour beer out b/c you are underage
0.05


You drop the cone piece into the bucket while tapping the ash out
0.10


You learn PHP but miss a simple function like stripslashes().
0.10


You put on your pants and realize they are too tight in the thighs
0.10


You buy a pair of shoes over the internet and they are too small but you wear them anyway since you don\'t want to pay $5 shipping to send them back.
0.10


You are slightly annoyed but have no idea why.
0.10


You find that the tub of ice cream has developed an inedible layer of icy crystals.
0.10


You do not pass GO. You do not collect $200.
0.10


Pooty finds you.
0.10


You type an entire paragraph without looking at the keyboard, then realized some fingers werent on the correct keys.
0.10


You realize that knuckles look very odd.
0.10


you flip the channels one to many times and have to go back
0.10


you step on a sticker
0.10


You read from a yellow webpage for 30 minutes and temporarily mess up all the colors you see.
0.10


you write a terrible haiku
0.10


your mom cuts your hair into a mullet with a braided tail whether you like it or not until you are 15.
0.10


band aid residue
0.10


You get the black stuff from Oreos stuck in your molars and not even an electric toothbrush can get it out
0.10

NEW
You buy a classical music CD, but the cashier mistakenly puts in a koRn CD and you dont notice untill you are home, but it would cost you $10 bus fare to return the CD.
0.10


You buy a koRn CD, but the cashier mistakenly puts in a classical music CD and you dont notice untill you are home, but it would cost you $10 bus fare to return the CD.
0.10

NEW
you experience DejaVu
0.10


you bump your shin on the coffee table
0.11


Not reading the instructions and hitting the wrong part of the link over and over.
0.11


the coffee filter folds over and you get hot water instead of coffee
0.11


you break your middle finger then try to make a fist at someone
0.11


you try to unlock the car door to get out but hit lock yet again
0.11


you are attacked by vermicious kinids (the things that tried to eat the oompa loompaz)
0.11


You have to watch Mr. Deeds twice, first because you did not know how much it sucked, second because your new girlfriend asked you to go see it.
0.11


raving to a friend about cockeyed.com, and when they try to go there the site is gone with no explanation
0.11


being really thirsty and taking a big gulp of your Sprite only to discover that the syrup is out and you have a big nasty cup of carbonated water
0.12


having to go to the counter to tell the person that your Sprite is only carbonated water and they look at you like you are an alien
0.13


drop your books in the hall
0.17

NEW
you experience DejaVu
0.17


someone puts a flier on your windshield
0.50


you have to write a check
0.50


Someone asks why you are so quiet, and you can\'t think of a response.
0.50



Professionalism Test
Read this out loud:

This is this cat
This is is cat
This is how cat
This is to cat
This is keep cat
This is an cat
This is idiot cat
This is busy cat
This is for cat
This is forty cat
This is seconds cat

Now go back and read the THIRD word only, in each line from the
start.
The Top 9 Signs You Suffer From Computer Rage

9> Tech support has designated you ”Public Enemy #1.“

8> The ”QWERTY“ pattern embedded in your fist.

7> You like to use steel-toed Doc Martins to ”boot“ your computer.

6> You've shot more screens than Elvis.

5> Only two more punches on your ”Frequent Monitor Buyer's Card" and
you
get the next one free!

4> When you play CounterStrike, you use real bullets.

3> Let's just say that storing your keyboard *there* is probably
going
to void the warranty, not to mention make you walk funny.

2> You go through more mice than your neighbor who collects anacondas.
and the Number 1 Sign You Suffer From Computer Rage…

1> You know exactly when your computer's going to crash… about four
seconds after you push it out the window.