Honesty

Teacher: What excuse have you got for being late?
John: (breathlessly) I ran so fast, teacher, that I didn't have time to think of one

How Can I?

Wife: Our new neighbour always kisses his wife when he goes to work, why don't you do that?
Husband: How can I? I don't even know her.

Only Five

Father: Have you taken your maths test, son?
Son: Taken already.
Father: Did you get them all right?
Son: Only five wrong
Father: Not bad! By the way, how many sums altogether?
Son: Five.



Right And Wrong

Teacher writes a sum, 3 + 7 = 9, on the blackboard.

Teacher: Is the sum right?
First Student: Wrong.
Second Student: Right.
First Student: Wrong.
Second Student: Right
First Student: 3 + 7 should be 10 and not 9, right?
Second Student: Right.
First Student: Then why did you say 3 + 7 is 9 right?
Second Student: Because you say it is wrong and I agreed with you.

Dead Body Cycling

During an English lesson, the teacher notices that a boy was not paying attention to him . . . .

Teacher: Bobby, join these two sentences together. I was cycling to school. I saw a dead body.
Bobby: (thinking for a while) I saw a dead body cycling to school.

The Music

Musician: Is the music sweet?
Boy: It's more or less like the one which my father plays.
Musician: Is your father a musician?
Boy: No, he's a carpenter.

Thief For Thief

One day as a husband was having his tea at home, his wife complained to him . . .

Wife: You know dear, our new washerwoman stole two of our towels. That crook!
Husband: Which towels dear?
Wife: The ones we stole from the hotel in Miami Beach.

Better One

Bus Inspector: Where's your ticket?
Traveler: I think I have lost it.
Bus Inspector: Well, that's not a good excuse.
Traveler: Alright. You suggest a better one.

Sign in the Dark

Silvia: Dad, can you write in the dark?
Dad: I think so. What do you want me to write?
Silvia: Your name on this report card.

Make a Sentence

Teacher: Ellen, give me a sentence starting with “I”.
Ellen: I is…
Teacher: No, Ellen. Always say, “I am.”
Ellen: All right… “I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

Keeps Talking

Teacher: What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?
Pupil: A teacher.

Broke Window

A new prisoner comes to a prison cell.

Convicts: What has happened with you that you are here?
Prisoner: I have broken a window on my job place.
Convicts: It's unbelievable! Where did you work?
Prisoner: On a submarine.

Where are you from?

Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard Grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “OK – where are you from, jackass?”

DisneyLand

One day, 2 Ah Bengs (slang for singapore gangster) were driving to Disneyland.
As they passed through Anaheim, they saw a sign on the freeway that said Disneyland Left.

So they turned around and went home.



Windows Crash

If Bill Gate's had a penny for every time Windows crashed…….
Forget it. He does.

Sign on motorway garage:

PLEASE DO NOT SMOKE NEAR OUR PETROL PUMPS. YOUR LIFE MAY NOT BE WORTH MUCH BUT OUR PETROL IS.

Free From Cholesterol

Banta Singh rushed back angrily to the grocery shop from where he had purchased a packet of butter a few minutes ago.

“Where is my free gift?” he shouted at the shopkeeper.

“But Sir, there is no free gift on the purchase of butter.” The shopkeeper answered politely.

“Don't fool me,” replied Banta, “It is clearly written on the packet of the butter ‘Cholesterol free’”.

Skin and Bones

Diner: Waiter, look at this chicken, nothing but skin and bones.
Waiter: What else do u want, feathers?
Diner: I can't eat such a rotten chicken. Call the manager!
Waiter: It's no use. He won't eat it either.
Diner: You'll drive me to my grave!
Waiter: Well, you don't expect to walk there, do you?

Be careful what you ask for

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the rates. Fifty dollars for three questions, replied the lawyer.

''Isn't that awfully steep?'', asked the man.

''Yes'', the lawyer replied, ‘'and what was your third question?’'

World Cup

Two ants are playing football in a saucer. One says to the other “Hey, you're really good at this”.

“Yes I know, I'm playing in the cup next week!”

MARRIAGE TROUBLE

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.

Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.

Girl: Well, that's because we aren't married yet.

Taking Doubles

Once a fat man stepped on to a weighing machine. He put a ten-cent coin into the slot. Out came a card with the printed words,“ One by one, please.”

A Bed For Mother

Mother's day was coming…

John: Mary, what shall we get for mother on Mother's Day?
Mary: A bed.
John: Why?
Mary: All of us have nice beds to sleep on but poor mother has to share one with father.

Shoes Round The Neck?

Customer: How much is that tie?
Salesman: Three dollars.
Customer: What! I can buy a pair of shoes for three dollars!
Salesman: Yes. But who would want to wear a pair of shoes round the neck?

Weird Fact

The sentence “The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog.” uses every letter in the alphabet (developed by Western Union to test telecommunications)

I'm Sick

One day Hamid felt very sick and he went to the hospital…

Nurse: Hamid, the doctor is here to see you.
Hamid: Tell him, I can't see him. I'm sick.

The Smallest Words

One boy wanted to have his eyes tested, so he went to an optician. Here is how it goes . . .

Optician: OK boy, sit down please. Can you see the smallest words on the board.
Boy: Yeah, the smallest words on the board are “Made in Great Britain”.


Drive Me Back

Taxi Driver: That will be 80 cents please, Madam.
Lady: I have only 50 cents. Can you drive me back a little?

America's Discoverer

Teacher: George, go to the map and find North America.
George: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: George!

Coincidence

Teacher: “Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?”
Johnny: “Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and same time.”

Saying Prayers


Teacher: Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?
Sam: No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook.

Forgetter

An absent-minded man went to see a psychiatrist.
'My trouble is,' he said, ‘that I keep forgetting things.’
'How long has this been going on?' asked the psychiatrist.
'How long has what been going on?' said the man.

Egypt

Son: Daddy, have you ever been to Egypt?
Father: No. Why do you ask that?
Son: Well, where did you get mummy then?

Bush's Doctor Visit

Bush had something wrong with his brain so he went to see a doctor.

After the medical examination, the doctor told him: “Your brain has two parts: one is left, and another is right. Your left brain has nothing right. Your right brain has nothing left.”

Outside a secondhand shop:

WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES, ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN?

Sign on a repair shop door:

WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)

Absence

Mother: Why did you get such a low mark on that test?
Johnny: Because of absence.
Mother: You mean you were absent on the day of the test?
Johnny: No, but the kid who sits next to me was.

Delayed Hamburger

A customer went to snack bar and ordered a hamburger.

When 20 minutes had gone and his food hadn't arrived, the irritated customer asked the waiter.

Customer: Will my hamburger be long?
Waiter: No, sir…it will be round.

Tits on Back

A camel and an elephant met, and the elephant asked: “Why do you have your tits on your back?”

The camel responded: “What a silly question from someone who has a dick on his face!”

Disobedient Yourself

While sitting at your desk, lift your right foot off the floor and make Clockwise circles. Now, while doing this, draw the number “6” in the air with your right hand. Your foot will change direction and there's nothing you can do about it. Number ‘0’ too.

DADDY'S LAP

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.

Mom: You have done the right thing.

Son: But I was sitting on daddy's lap.