A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer.

She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan; so, the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the title and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a $250,000 Rolls as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely; but, we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The blonde replies, “The airport wanted to charge me two hundred dollars to store my car. Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?”

Not all blondes are dumb.


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One Sunday morning, the pastor noticed little Alex standing in the foyer of the church staring up at a large plaque. It was covered with names with small American flags mounted on either side of it.

The seven year old had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the Pastor walked up, stood beside the little boy, and said quietly, “Good morning, Alex.”

“Good morning, Pastor,” the boy replied, still focused on the plaque. Then he asked, “Pastor, what is this?”

The pastor said, “Well, son, it's a memorial to all the young men and women who died in the service.”

Soberly they stood together, staring at the large plaque. Finally, little Alex's voice, barely audible and trembling with fear, asked:

“Which service: the 9:45 or the 11:15?”

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A little girl was talking to President Bush about whales. Mr. Bush told her that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being because even though it was a very large mammal, its throat was very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the President reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.

The little girl said, “When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah.”

Mr. Bush asked, “What if Jonah went to the other place?”

The little girl replied, “Then you ask him.”

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Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grand-motherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know me?”

She responded, “Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper-pusher. Yes, I know you.”

The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, “Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?”

She again replied, “Why yes, I do. I've know Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.”

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice said, “Neither of you bastards better ask her if she knows me.”

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A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man. The man said, “I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!”

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition.

Her girlfriend said, “When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened.”

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. “What happened?” the girlfriend asked.

The lady said, “That son-of-a-bitch had $500 in quarters!”

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A very unattractive, mean actin' woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids.

The Wal-Mart Greeter asks, “Are they twins?”

The ugly woman says, “No, the oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why? … Do you think they really look alike?”

“No”, replies the greeter, “I just couldn't believe you got laid twice!”

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Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in Ithaca, New York, to talk about the world.

After her talk she offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

“Richard”, replied the little boy.

“And what is your question, Richard?”

“I have three questions:
1. Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2. Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
3. Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?”

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess.

When they resume Hillary says, “OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?”

A different little boy puts his hand up.

Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

“My name is George.”

“And what is your question, George?”

“I have 5 questions:
1. Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?
2. Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?
3. Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?
4. Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?
5. What happened to Richard?”

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It was the first day of school and a new student named Pedro Martinez, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the fourth grade.

The teacher said, “Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said ‘Give me Liberty, or give me Death?’”

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Pedro, who had his hand up. “Patrick Henry, 1775.”

“Very good!” apprised the teacher. “Now, who said, ‘Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth’?”

Again, no response except from Pedro: “Abraham Lincoln, 1863.”

The teacher snapped at the class, “Class, you should be ashamed! Pedro, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do!”

She heard a loud whisper from the back of the classroom: “Screw the Mexicans!”

“Who said that?” she demanded.

Pedro put his hand up. “Jim Bowie, 1836.”

At that point, another student in the back said, “I'm gonna puke.”

The teacher glared and asked, “All right! Now, who said that?”

Again, Pedro answered, “George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991.”

Another student yelled, “You're INCREDIBLE!”

Pedro jumped out of his chair waving his hand and shouting to the teacher, “Bill Clinton to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!”

Now, with almost mob hysteria, the teacher said, “You little punk … if you say anything else, I'll kill you!”

Pedro frantically yelled at the top of his voice, “Gary Condit to Chandra Levy, 2001.”

The teacher fainted, and as the class gathered around her on the floor, someone said, “Oh crap, we're in BIG trouble now!”

Pedro whispered, “Saddam Hussein, 2003.”

Finally someone throws an eraser at Pedro and another student shouts “Duck”!

Teacher, just waking, asked “Who said that?”

Pedro answered: “Dick Cheney, 2006!”

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