LIMERICKS




An epileptic young woman named Camp
Was seduced on her couch by a tramp
But the first time he squeezed her
She had a Grand seizure
And broke both his balls and a lamp.


There once was a man from Montrass,
Who had balls that were made of fine brass.
In stormy weather,
They both clanged together,
And sparks flew out of his ass!


There was a young girl from Hong Kong
Whose cervical cap was a gong.
She said with a yell,
As a shot rang her bell,
“I'll give you a ding for a dong!”


A decent young fellow named Herm
Was equipped with a geyser-like worm:
The size wasn't much
But its volume was such
That his lovers did backstroke in sperm.


I see by the size of your member
You're as hot as a blazing coal ember!
So slicken that mast -
And hon, make it fast -
This girl's not been poked since December!


I know that you'll think me quite dotty,
But please, no caffeine in the latte!
One simple espresso -
I put on a dress, oh,
And really start acting quite naughty!


Were you a more elegant chap,
I'd ask to sit down on your lap
Cross-legg'd, like a swami
For ‘hide the salami’,
But it seems that you're ill with the clap!


A horny old trapper named Rex
Liked the risks of wild porcupine sex.
By incredible luck
His dick never got stuck,
But his nuts were just pitiful wrecks.


There once was a Vulcan named Spock
Who tried stroking his monstrous cock
With lust went berserk
And beseeched Captain Kirk,
“Bend over, this shuttle must dock!”


“For Christmas”, she said with a tingle
“I'd love a gift cunnilingual!”
'Twas with joy and surprise
She found twixt her thighs
The tongue of jolly Kris Kringle!


Mary had a little dog,
All night long he'd hunt.
He stuck his head in Mary's lap,
To smell her little
“Control yourself, you naughty dog!
You make my pressure jump!”
Ain't but one man in this town
Good enough to
Pumpkin pie is almost done,
Lots of corn to shuck,
Brother's got a lazy wife.
She don't give a
F'crying out loud, look outside!
The captain and the crew,
Heading down the Mazie's house
to get themselves a
Screw the light bulb in the lamp,
Please don't break the glass.
If you eat those pepper pods,
They're bound to burn your
Asked a woman, “What's your name?”
She wrote it by the creek.
Pardon me, I'll step outside,
I've gotta take a peek.


A lady while dining at Crewe
Found an elephant's whang in her stew.
Said the waiter, “Don't shout,
And don't wave it about,
Or the others will all want one too.”


There once was a man from Sydney
Who could put it in up to her Kidney
But a man from Quebec
Put it up to her neck
Now he had a big one, didn't he!


There was a young dentist Malone
who had a charming girl patient alone.
But in his depravity
he filled the wrong cavity,
God, how his practice has grown!


There was a young lady from Nizes
whose breasts were two different sizes.
One was so small
it was nothing at all,
but the other was huge and won prizes.


There was a young lady named Hilda
Who went driving one night with a builda.
He said that he should
That he could and he would,
And he did and it pretty near killda.


A broken-down lecher named Tupps
Was heard to confess in his cups:
“The height of my folly
Was diddling a collie -
But I got a nice price for the pups.”


There was a young vampire called mable,
whose periods were always quite stable,
at every full moon
she took out a spoon,
and drank herself under the table.


A kinky young girl from Coleshill,
Tried a dynamite stick for a thrill,
They found her vagina,
in North Carolina,
and bits of her tits in Brazil.


There was a young man from Pitlocherie,
making love to his girl in the rockery,
she said, “Look you've cum,
all over my bum,
This isn't a shag it's a mockery.”


There was a young lassie from Morton,
who had one long tit and one short ‘en,
on top of all that,
a great hairy twat,
and a fart like a six fifty Norton.


There was a young sailor from Brighton
Who said to his girl, “You’re a tight ‘un.”
She replied, “Pon my soul,
You’re in the wrong hole.
There's plenty of room in the right ‘un.”


There once was a man named Mort,
Whose dick was incredibly short.
When he climbed into bed
His lady friend said,
“That’s not a dick it's a wart!”


There was a young harlot from Kew
Who filled her vagina with glue.
She said with a grin,
“If they pay to get in,
They'll pay to get out of it, too.”


There was a young plumber named Lee
Who plumbed his girl down by the sea;
Said the lady, “Stop plumbing!
I hear someone coming.”
Said the plumber, still plumbing, “That's me.”


A newlywed couple from Goshen
Spent their honeymoon sailing the ocean.
In twenty-eight days
They screwed eighty ways -
Imagine such damn devotion!


There once was a hermit named Dave
Who kept a dead whore in his cave.
She was missing a tit.
She smelled like shit.
But think of the money he saved!


The sea captain's tender young bride
fell into the bay at low tide,
You could tell by her squeals,
that some of the eels
had discovered a dark place to hide.


Nick the prick had a forty foot dick,
He showed it to the lady next door.
She thought it was a snake,
And hit it with a rake,
And now it's only four foot four.


There was a hooker from Honchu
Who on peckers and penises did chew.
Said a friend, “Why don't you
Have them stick it to you,
Then you could enjoy the sex too.”


There was a man from Havana,
Who thought he could play the piana.
His fingers slipped,
his zipper unzipped.
And out came a hairy banana!


A young engineer name of Paul
Was equipped with an octagonal ball.
The square of his weight
Times his pecker, plus eight
Is his phone number, give him a call.


There once was a man from Australia
Who had extra-large genitalia
He said to his bride,
Don't try to hide
'Cause wherever you go I can nail ya'


There was a young man who's dong
Was prodigiously, massively long
Down the sides of his whang,
two testes did hang
Which attracted a curious throng.


Said a diffident lady named Drood
the first time she saw a man nude,
“I’m glad I’m the sex
that’s concave not convex
for I don’t fancy things that protrude.”


There once was a man from St. Paul
who's prick was incredible small.
He got down on the rug
and screwed a bug,
but the bug didn't feel it at all!!


There once was a fellow from Yuma,
Who told an elephant joke to a puma.
Now his skeleton lies,
Under hot western skies,
The Puma had no sense of huma!


There was a young man named Sweeny
Who spilled some gin on his weenie.
He thought this uncouth,
So he added vermouth,
And slipped his girl a martini.


There was a Young Man named MacNair
Who buggered his Wife on the Stair.
The bannister Broke…
…Without missing a Stroke
He Finished her off in Mid-Air.


There once was a Barmaid from Saille
On her back tattooed the prices of ale.
And on her behind, for the sake of the blind
was precisely the same but in braille.


There once was a lady from Reno
Who lost all her cash playing keno.
So she laid on her back
Opened her crack
And now she owns the casino!


There once was a pirate named Bates
Who attempted to rhumba on skates.
He fell on his cutlass
Which rendered him nutless
And practically useless on dates.


In the garden of Eden stood Adam
With his hand on the ass of his madam.
He chuckled with mirth
For he knew that on earth
There were only two balls, and he had ‘em!


There was a young girl who begat
Three brats, by name Nat, Pat, and Tat.
It was fun in the breeding,
But hell in the feeding
When she found she had no tit for Tat.


There once was a man from Pompei
Who fashioned a snatch out of clay
The heat from his prick,
Turned the clay into brick
And tore all his foreskin away!!



From Isaac Asimov

Nymphomaniac Alice
Used a dynamite stick as a phallis.
They found her vagina
In North Carolina,
And part of her anus in Dallas.


There was an old fellow named Paul
Whose prick was exceedingly small
When in bed with a lay
He could screw her all day
Without touching the vaginal wall.


There once was an odious brute
Who made love in his Sunday-best suit.
The result, as you’d guess,
Was a wet, sticky mess,
And a very chaifed maiden to boot.


There was a young lady from Kew
Who said, as the bishop withdrew,
“Oh, the Vicar is quicker
And thicker and slicker
And four inches longer than you.”


A certain young fellow from Ransome
Had a dame seven times in a hansom.
When she shouted for more,
Said he from the floor,
“The name, Miss, is Simpson, not Samson.”


Said a woman with open delight,
“My pubic hair's perfectly white.
I admit there's a glare,
But the fellows don't care.
They locate it more quickly at night.”


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I do what I do, I am who I am, if you don´t like it……PISS OFF
-psycho 2001</b>

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