hérna eru nokkrir brandarar sem hafa ekki komið áður hérna, held ég.
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1. The Costume Party
A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween party by a family friend, in which all attendees were required to wear a mask. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone, and to make sure to say hello to her family. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice “chick” he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.
After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.
She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. “Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.” Then she asked, “Did you dance much?”
He replied, “I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.”
“You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!” she said with unashamed sarcasm.
“Actually, I gave my costume to your brother, apparently he had the time of his life.”
—–
2. Police Emergency
This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.
He immediately phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said no, but explained the situation. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said, “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.
“Hello I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all.”
Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you'd shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
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3. Blonde in a Circle
A blonde had just gotten a new sports car and was out for a drive when she accidentally cut off a large truck. The driver was outraged and was eventually able to make her pull over. He got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to the blonde in his most threatening voice, “Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!”
He then went to her car and cut up her leather seats.
When he turned around she had a slight grin on her face, so he said, “Oh you think that's funny? Watch this!”
He gets a baseball bat out of his truck and breaks every window in her car.
When he turns and looks at her she has a smile on her face.
Now he's getting really mad. He gets his knife back out and slices all her tires.
Now she's laughing.
The truck driver is really starting to lose it. He goes back to his truck and gets an extra can of diesel fuel, pours it on her car and sets it on fire.
He turns around and she is laughing so hard she is about to fall down.
“What's so funny?” the truck driver asked the blonde.
She replied, “Every time you weren't looking, I stepped outside the circle!”
—–
4. Not-so-Happy Birthday
It was my 40th birthday and I wasn't feeling too great when I woke up that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say “Happy Birthday” and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say “Good Morning,” let alone “Happy Birthday.” I figured, “Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember.” The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.
When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary Janet said, “Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday.”
I felt a little better - at least someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, “You know, it is such a beautiful day outside and it's your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me.” I said, “By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.
We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, ”You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?“ I said, ”No, I guess not.“ She said, ”Let's go to my apartment.“
After arriving at her apartment, she smiled at me and said, ”If you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable.“
Mad at my wife for forgetting about my birthday, not to mention that Janet was quite beautiful, I felt justified in staying. ”Sure,“ I excitedly replied.
She went into the bedroom and, after a few minutes, she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday … and there I sat on the couch … naked.
—–
5. Tough Golf Hole
A guy and his wife are out golfing one day when they come up to the hardest hole on the course; it goes way downhill and you can’t quite see where your drive goes. So they tee off and walk down the hill and, lo and behold, this guy’s ball is right in front of a big barn.
The couple looks it over, and the wife says, “You know, if we open both barn doors, you will have a clear shot to the green.”
The guy agrees, and they open both of the doors. He hits his ball and it makes it through the first set of doors but hits the far wall and comes ricocheting back—hitting his wife in the head and killing her.
A few months pass and he is out golfing again with his buddies. They come up to the same hole and, wouldn’t you know it, the guy’s ball is right behind the barn again. One of his golf buddies says, “You know, if we open both barn doors you will have a clear shot to the green.”
The guy replies, “Nah, last time I tried that I got a 7.”
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6. One Ugly Wish
A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each, before they enter Paradise.
They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. ”I want to be gorgeous,“ and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done.
The second one in line hears this and says ”I want to be gorgeous too.“
Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing. When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be.
The guy calms down and says: ”Make ‘em all ugly again.“
—–
7. The Other Horse
A guy was sitting quietly reading his paper when his wife walked up behind him and whacked him on the head with a frying pan.
“What the hell was that for?” he asked.
“That was for the piece of paper in your pants pocket with the name Mary Lou written on it,” she replied.
“But you don’t understand,” he pleaded. “Two weeks ago when I went to the races, Mary Lou was the name of one of the horses I bet on.”
“Oh honey, I’m sorry,” she said. “I should have known there was a good explanation.”
Three days later he was watching a ball game on TV when she walked up and hit him in the head again, this time with the iron skillet, which knocked him out cold. When he came to, he asked, “What was that for?” he begged.
“Your horse called!”
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8. A Hell of a Decision
A man dies and goes straight to Hell. The devil greets him and immediately makes him face a big decision: ”You may choose which room you wish to enter. Whichever room you choose, the person in that room will switch with you. They’ll finally go to heaven after years of waiting and you'll take over until somebody switches with you. So go on, pick a room.“
The devil leads him to the first room where someone is tied to a wall and is being whipped over and over again. In the second room is a man strapped to a table being subjected to Chinese water torture. Finally, in the third room is a man sitting in a chair while being pleasured by a beautiful woman.
”I choose this room!“ the man says.
”Very well,“ the devil says. He walks up to the woman and taps her on the shoulder.
”You can go now. I've found you're replacement.“
—–
9. The Brothel Parrot
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00, which seemed awfully cheap.
”Why so little,“ she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her seriously and said, ”Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.“
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, ”New house, new madam.“
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then found it kind of amusing.
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them enter and said, ”New house, new madam, new girls.“
The girls and the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said, ”Hi, Keith!"