Já, alveg mögnuð síða þessi Wikipedia…

A
• 182 Afrikaners walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “I'm sorry, we don't serve Afrikaners here.” The Afrikaners said, “Is it because we is black, huh?”
• 182 Afrikaners walked into a pub, and asked, “Sorry, Sir. Could you please tell us where the toilets is?” The barman said, “In the first place, gentlemen, in the Queen's English, one never ends a sentence in a preposition. Secondly, being plural, ”toilets“ would be better paired with ”are“, instead of ”is“, in a sentence.” The Afrikaners, now obviously in physical distress, said, “OK-OK! Could you please tell us where the toilets are, Doos?!”
• 182 chinese walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “I'm sorry, we don't serve chinese here.” The chinese said, “we Chinese are willing to teach you how to serve Chinese–Buddhaism”
• 182 grasshoppers hopped into a bar, and the bartender said, “I'm sorry, we don't serve grasshoppers here.” The grasshoppers said, “That's ok, we'll have whiskey.”
• 182 goldfish swam into a bar, and the bartender said, “I'm sorry, we don't serve goldfish here.” The goldfish said, “That's ok, we'll take Triscuits.”
H
• 182 horses cantered into a bar, and the bartender said, “Why the long faces?”.
L
• 182 lobsters crawled into a bar, and the bartender said, “I'm sorry, we don't serve lobsters here.” So the lobsters got steamed.
M
• 182 mushrooms walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “I'm sorry, we don't serve mushrooms here.” The mushrooms said, “What's the matter? We're fun guys.”
N
• 182 Nuns walked into a bar, got rowdy, and demanded more beer. The bartender said, “I'll have none of that.”
• 182 Nuns walked into a bar, and the bartender refused to serve them because they had no money. The nuns said, “But don't you sometimes have a drink at our Father's house?”
• 182 NASCAR drivers walked into a bar, and the bartender said, “I'm sorry, we don't serve NASCAR drivers here. The NASCAR drivers said, ”That's RACEist!“
O
P
• 182 pineapples walk into a bar. The bartender says, ”We don't serve pineapple in here,“ so the pineapples say, ”Ah, that's all right, this place is kind of Dole anyway.“
• 182 people walked into a bar. Ouch!
Q
R
• 182 rabbits hopped into a bar. The bartender said, ”I'm sorry, I don't serve rabbits here.“ So 324 rabbits hopped out of the bar.
S
• 182 spirits walked into a bar. The bartender said ”I'm sorry I don't serve spirits here.“ So the 182 spirits said, ”ok then 182 pints of beer then please“.
• 182 spirits walked into a bar. The bartender said ”I'm sorry I don't serve lager here.“ So the 182 spirits turned to the light.
• 182 spirits walked into a bar. The bartender said, ”I'm sorry; we don't serve spirits.“ So the 182 spirits flagged down a cop.
• 182 suicide bombers walk into a bar. The bartender said, ”I'm sorry, I don't serve suicide bombers here.“ So 182 suicide bombers said ”Let's blow this joint“
Z
• 182 zen monks walk into a bar. The bartender said, ”Moo.“ The 182 zen monks are enlightened.
• 182 zionists walked into a bar. The bartender said, ”I'm sorry, we don't serve zionists here.“ The zionists said ”But this is OUR bar!“
• 182 zionists walked into a bar. The bartender said, ”I'm sorry, we don't serve zionists here.“ The zionists said ”Is it because we're too young?“
Anti-humor involves jokes that are not in themselves humorous. Their humor comes from the irony involved because they are expected to be funny, but are not. Generally the punchline of an anti-joke is very straightforward and logical. Easily the most famous anti-joke is:
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get to the other side.
Some types of anti-jokes are the infamous ”penguin" jokes, which combine a ridiculous question with a nonsensical answer. 1 Example:
Q: How many penguins does it take to cover a doghouse?
A: Purple, because ice cream has no bones.
These are most likely found humorous because of the sheer strangeness of the joke.
• A duck walks into a bar…
Animal control is promptly called, the duck is then taken to a nearby park and released.
• A chicken begins crossing the street and is hit by several fast moving metal boxes with wheels.
• What do you get when you cross a chicken with a centipede?
A media circus about the debate over the morals and ethics of genetic engineering.
• What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
The Holocaust.
Biting into a piece of chocolate and finding that it is infested with maggots.
• Why is a mouse when it spins?
Because the higher it goes, the fewer.
• Why is a duck?
Because one leg is both the same.
• What is the difference between one duck?
He have both legs the same size, especially left one.
• What do you call a cross between a chicken and a duck?
Chuck.
• What do a duck and a bicycle have in common?
They both have handlebars. Except the duck doesn't.
• How do you kill a blue elephant?
You shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
• How do you kill a red elephant?
You hold its trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
• How do you kill a green elephant?
You embaress it until it turns red, hold its trunk until it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
• How do you kill a white elephant?
You paint it green, embaress it until it turns red, hold its trunk untils it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
• How do you kill a pink elephant?
You scare it until it turn white, paint it green, embaress it until it turns red, hold its trunk untils it turns blue and shoot it with a blue elephant gun.
• How do you kill a yellow elephant?
There's no such thing silly!
• Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
Because he was dead.
[edit]
Vegetables
• What's green with legs?
Grass. (I lied about the legs!)
• What's green and pear-shaped?
A pear.
• Why did the Banana explode?
Because it was a grenade.
[edit]
People
• Why do firemen wear red suspenders?
To keep their pants up.
• What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?
A Jew is a person adhering to the Jewish faith, and a pizza is an oven-baked, flat, usually circular bread covered with tomato sauce and cheese with optional garnishes.
• How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?
You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbors saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.
• What do you call a middle eastern man in the cockpit of a plane?
A pilot, you racist.
• Hao Long is a Chinese man.
• Why did John fall off his bike?
Someone threw a fridge at him.
• Why wouldn't Jack's car start?
Because it was a giant fish.
• Why did Sally fall off the swing?
Sally has no arms.
• Why did Jack stand in the middle?
He was happy twenty years later.
• Knock knock
Who's there?
The Gestapo.
• How did the picture look?
It didn't, pictures don't have working eyes.
• What is better than an anti-joke?
A better anti-joke.
• Five girls run from what?
A cloud is new, says George.
• What happened to the girl next door?
Her house becomes again.
• Who is Mike Jones?
No one cares.
• Why did the plane crash?
Because the pilot was a loaf of bread.
• What did John Lennon say when he was shot?
“Help me, i've been shot”
• How do you make a mime yell?
Throw a brick at his face
• How do you make a clown stop smiling?
Hit him with an axe
[edit]
Other
• Two drums and a cymbal fall off a cliff… ba dum chhhhh!
• So a blond, a brunette, and a redhead walk in to a bar. The bartender calls 9-1-1, and all three women stay the night in the hospital.
• What's brown and sticky?
A stick.
• What is the capital of Idaho?
Boise.
• A man walks into a bar…
Ouch! (alternately: “He faints.”)
Q: What did Columbas say to his men before they got on the ships?
A: “Get on the ships!”
Q: What has eight legs, 8 brown eyes, and an invisible tail?
A: A spider.
A: A Scorpion with its tail dipped in butter.
Q: How many ducks does it take to make a duck?
A: Two Ducks. Why, because I saw it on National Geographic.
Q: What's red and shaped like a bucket?
A: A red bucket.
Q: What's blue and shaped like a bucket?
A: A red bucket in disguise.
[edit]
Takes on Other Jokes
• Why was six afraid of seven?
It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
• Why was six afraid of seven?
Six was not afraid of seven, 10 was, so there!
• Why didn't the skeleton cross the road?
Because it was just the decomposing remains of a long forgotten murder case in a remote field.
• What is the difference between Neil Armstrong and Michael Jackson?
Neil Armstrong walked on the moon, and Michael Jackson likes little boys.
• My dog's got no dictionary.
How does he spell ‘terrible?’
• What do you get when you cross a horse and a donkey?
A mule. Numskull!
• What do you get when you cross France and Russia?
You don't get jack shit! But, Germany gets a two-front war!
[edit]
The Chicken Revisited
• Why did the chicken cross the road?
1. Because, after intense research and market analysis, the colonel decided that the franchise would obtain tremendous financial benefit from the optimal traffic pattern on the other side of the intersection.
2. To prove he wasn't chicken after all.
3. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
4. He didn't. It was his brother. They just look alike.
5. Who do I look like, Old MacDonald?
6. It wasn't deliberate but he was too much of an insensitive, navel-gazing, self-centered, egotistical imbecile to see the bigotry, much less, the idiocity of telling those kinds of jokes in the presence of a pitch-paved street, much less, at all.
7. Because it was being used for medical research. Joke on “Robot Chicken”
Why did the chicken stop in the middle of the road?
It got run over.
[edit]
The road revisited
Why did the one-handed man cross the street?
To get to the second-hand shop.
Why did the dog cross the road?
It was the chicken's day off.
Why did the blood-covered baby cross the road?
It was stapled to the chicken.
Why did the cow cross the road?
He heard that the grass was greener on the other side.
Why did the priest cross the road?
He would not have been able to enter the temple if he came into contact with a dead Samaritan.
Why did the tracks cross the road?
That's how the chicken left them.
Why did the train cross the road?
That's where the tracks went.
Why did I cross the road?
Because I felt like it!
Why did the robot cross the road?
Because he was welded to the chicken!
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To get to the other side.

Why did the chicken cross the road?
Omigod! A chicken crossed the road! Where!
Why did the chicken cross the park?
To get to the other slide.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
Because chickens weren't invented yet.
A: Why did the chicken cross the road?
B: I don't know, why?
A: To get the latest issue of Newsweek.
B: I don't get it.
A: Me neither, I read Time magazine.
Retrieved from "http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Jokebook:Anti-humor“


The basic framework
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, ”We have a really amazing act. You should represent us.“
The agent says, ”Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're too cute.“
The mother says, ”Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us.“
The agent says, ”Ok. Ok. I'll take a look.“
Now here's where things get exciting. The family's ”act“ is basically any sick, disgusting, illegal, perverted, depraved sideshow you can fathom. Describe things in incredible detail, be as horrible as you can. Anything to shock your audience.
And the joke always ends:
For the longest time, the agent just sits in silence. Finally, he manages, ”That's a hell of an act. What do you call it?“
And the father says, ”The Aristocrats!"
There are a myriad of variations. The family could be as large or as small as you wanted it to be, and a lot of people leave out the dog. Also, you could be weird and bizarre instead of just sick and demented in your decription of the family's act.
The purpose of this sort of joke is to provide a loose framework to support both a sick mind and a strong sense of improvisation. The body of the joke is intended to provide the entertainment, and not the so-called punchline. The fact that the audience sits through the entire joke is, in fact, the joke.
So there you go, that's the Aristocrats; examples of the disturbing bit of the joke follow.
[edit]
Variations on a theme
[edit]
Incest is best
A family walks into a talent agency. It's a father, mother, son, daughter and dog. The father says to the talent agent, “We have a really amazing act. You should represent us.”
The agent says, “Sorry, I don't represent family acts. They're too cute.”
The mother says, “Sir, if you just see our act, we know you would want to represent us.”
The agent says, “Ok. Ok. I'll take a look.”
Immediately, everyone rips off their clothes. The mother grabs the son's balls and twists and twists until they snap off his body with an audible POP! She tosses them into her mouth and leaps up onto her husband's back. The husband, who is fucking the dog in the ass, reaches back and honks one of her tits like a clown nose.
The son, meanwhile, grabs his sister's breasts and ties them into a neat bow. She jacks him off, then sinks to her knees to suck the cum off his dick while he beats her mercilessly with an iron pipe. The father chokes the dog until it's dead, then throws his wife off and begins beating her with it. Finally only the father and son remain. They circle each other warily. The father lunges, grabs the boy, and forces him to his knees.
“Take it!” he screams, and shoves his cock in the boy's mouth. The boy bites it off and spits it onto the shag carpeting. Then he leaps to his feet, picks up his sister's corpse, and smacks his father across the face with it. Then the two of them spread their arms and scream “TA-DA!!!”
[edit]
Aliens
The family bursts out of their fake human skin, revealing the dripping, oozing alien flesh hidden underneath.
“Bah ha ha ha!” the father laughs, growing to enormous proportion. He proceeds to tear through the city, ripping buildings off their foundations and hurling them high into the sky. The mother and daughter, meanwhile, have mutated into one gigantic purple demon that is shooting lazers from its seventeen eyes. The son and dog are battling to the death atop what is now the city's tallest building- a Motel 6.
The father, satisfied that the entire city is wasted, turns to the agent and crosses his mammoth arms over his sunken-in chest. “What,” he asks the trembling man, “do you think of THAT?”
[edit]
It puts the lotion on
The father pulls out a gun and shoots every member of his family in the head. He then slowly and methodically strips their lifeless bodies of flesh, then crafts an elaborate suit from it. He slips into the suit and, taking a stick of strawberry-red lipstick from his dead wife's purse, dolls himself up. He then prances about the office like a movie star, waving to invisible fans. A final bow signals to the agent that the act is over.
[edit]
Red Rum (altered ending)
The agent suddenly realizes where he's seen the little girls before…they're those creepy twins from The Shining!
“Holy crap,” he says, as the door to his office flies open and a wave of blood roars in. The mother pulls a full-sized surfboard from her vadge and launches herself into the air, only to be shot down by her son, who has crafted a primitive gun from the bones of his dead father, who he's killed with a vial of homemade poison. The mother falls onto the dog, smashing it. Bits of brain and guts fly everywhere, and the agent wipes some off his glasses as he scrambles up onto his desk. The bloody wave crashes into his desk and propels it out the window, where it and the man atop it tumble six stories only to land on a pregnant woman. The miscarriage flies from her ripped belly and splats onto the windsheild of a car, which swirves off the road into a crowd of screaming children. The agent looks up and sees the son staring down at him from his broken window.
For the longest time, the agent just cranes his neck, staring up at the boy. Finally he calls up, “Jesus, that's a hell of an act. What do you call it?”
And the boy yells down, “The Aristocrats!”
Story
• If a blonde laughes at a dumbe blonde joke, does that make them dumber? If you're blonde and you laughed at that, then yes, I guess it does.
• A blonde walks into a bar… Ouch.

• Two blondes sit on a park bench at night. One looks up and says, “What's closer, the Moon or Florida?” The other one looks over and says, “Duh, can you see Florida?”

• A brunette and a blond are in the woods. Suddenly the brunette trips over a rock and sprains her ankle. She yells to the blond, “Call 911!” The blond goes away and isn't back for a while. When the blond returns, the brunette says, “What took you so long??” The blond says, “I couldn't find the 11 on my cell phone!”

• A blonde is jogging down the road and sees another blonde in a rowboat in the middle of a dirt field. The jogging blonde yells to the rower, “Because of stupid blondes like you, the rest of us look stupid. If I could swim, I would swim over there and kick your arse!”

• A blonde walks into a beauty shop with a pair of headphones on. She asks for a haircut. The blonde is led to a chair and asked to sit down. The woman who is about to cut the blonde's hair asks her to take the headphones off. The blonde does, and a few minutes later she passes out. The surprised shop worker picks up the headphones and hears a little voice saying, “Breathe in, breathe out, breathe in, breathe out…”.

• 4,000 blondes pack the auditorium for the first annual Blondes Are Smart competition. A blonde is chosen from the audience to come on stage and answer a question to prove that blondes aren't dumb. The emcee asks “What is 2 plus 2?” The blonde thinks for a moment and answers “Seven.” The emcee shakes his head and the audience begins chanting “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!” The emcee asks again, “What is 2 plus 2?” The blonde concentrates for five minutes and finally answers “Five.” The emcee shakes his head and the audience begins chanting “Give her another chance! Give her another chance!” The emcee asks once again “What is 2 + 2?” The blonde screws up her face in thought, scratches her head, and finally answers “Four?” The audience begins chanting “Give her another chance…”

• A blonde walks into an appliance store and up to the shop assistant. She points to one on the shelf and said, “I'll have that TV.” The shop assistant replied, “Sorry, we don't serve blondes.” And the blonde has to walk out of the store. The next day, she then dyes her hair brown and walks back into the appliance store. Again, she goes, “I'll have that TV.” And the shop assistant replies, “Sorry, we don't serve blondes.” She walks out, once again, frustrated. She figures, now, that the shop assistant obviously recognised her face from last time, and she goes to have surgery on her face. She waits four weeks, just to be sure, before walking back into the appliance store. Once more, she says, “I'll have that TV.” And the shop assistant replies, “Sorry, we don't serve blondes.” The blonde now finally gives up and asks, “How the hell do you know I'm a blonde?!” The shop assistant replied, “Lady, that's a microwave.”

• A blonde and a brunette are walking along a road. Suddenly the brunette gasps. “Look, a dead bird!” The blonde looks up. “Where?”

• Three blonde friends are walking down the road. One finds a bottle and opens it. A genie flies out and says, “I will give you each ONE wish.”
The first says, “I want to be 100% smarter.” POOF! She turns into a brunette.
The second says, “I want to be 50% smarter.” POOF! She turns into a redhead.
Then the third says, “I want to be smarter than both of them.” POOF! She turns into a guy.

• A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The wife (undoubtedly blonde), picked up the phone, listened a moment and said, “How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!” and hung up.
The husband said, “Who was that?” The wife said, “I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.”

• A blonde was driving down the freeway when she received a call on her cell phone. “Be careful”, the person on the other end said, “there's a car driving the wrong way on your road!” The blonde replied, “I know–heck, there's HUNDREDS of them!”

• A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde decide to go for an expedition in the desert. The brunette brings water and the redhead brings food. They see the blonde coming and she is dragging something behind her. When she reaches them they see that it is a car door. They ask, “Why did you bring that?” The blonde's reply is, “So I can roll down the window in case I get hot.”
Variation: The blonde's reply is, “So I can roll up the window in case it starts to rain.”

• A blonde in Dallas was on an airplane bound for Los Angeles. The blonde was sitting in the middle of the plane, but she decided to move to an empty first class seat. A few minutes later, the steward walked by and saw the blonde. The steward said: “Ma'am, this isn't your seat. Please go back to your seat.” The blonde replied: “I don't want to go back to my seat. This one's more comfortable.” The stewart came back with the copilot a few minutes later. She had told the copilot what had just happened. The copilot said to the blonde: “Ma'am, please go back to your seat.” The blonde replied: “I don't want to go back to my seat. This one's more comfortable.” The steward and the copilot then went to the captain. When the captain heard about the blonde, he said: “I know how to handle this.” The captain walked over to the blonde. He whispered something in her ear, and then she walked back to her seat. The steward and copilot then asked the captain: “What did you say to her?” He replied: “I just told her that the first class seats will take her to New York City instead of Los Angeles.”
[edit]
Q and A
Q: Why are all jokes about blondes so short?
A: So that blondes can understand them.

Q: What do you call a Blonde in a leather jacket/What do you call a blonde anarchist?
A: Rebel without a clue.

Q: How do you drown a blonde?
A: Put a scratch-'n-sniff sticker at the bottom of a swimming pool.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: There are millions of ways. One way is to tell her to stand in the corner of a circular room.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at the carton of orange juice?
A: Because it said ‘concentrate’ on it.

Q: How do you know a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's Wite-Out all over the screen.
Follow-Up: How can you tell she came back?
A: Ink on the Wite-Out.
UK Varient
Q: How do you know a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's Tipp-Ex all over the screen.
Follow-Up: How can you tell she came back?
A: Ink on the Tipp-Ex.
Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her ankles swell.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday morning?
A: Tell her a joke on Friday night.

Q: If you drop a blonde and a brunette from 100 ft, which hits the ground first?
A: The brunette, because the blonde has to ask directions on the way down.

Q: What did the blonde get on her IQ test?
A: Saliva.

Q: What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A: Frosted Flakes.

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: What do you call an eternity?
A: Four blondes in four cars at a four way stop.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: RUN LIKE HELL… she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.

Q: What does the postcard from a blonde's vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?

Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: What is it called when a blonde blows in another blonde's ear?
A: Data transfer.

Q: What do you get when you line up 20 blondes side-by-side and blow in the first one's ear?
A: A wind tunnel.

Q: What is the difference between a dead blonde in the road, and a dead skunk in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde with PMS?
A: Lipstick.

Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
A: She thought it was diet coke.

Q: What is the meaning of impossible?
A: A blonde with an IQ of 200.

Q: How does a blonde turn on the light after sex?
A: She opens the car door.

Q: What is the first thing a blonde does in the morning?
A: Introduces herself.

Q: What did the blonde say when she saw a bowl of Cheerios?
A: Ooh! Donut seeds!

Q: Why did the blonde get fired from the M&M factory?
A: She threw away all the W's.

Q: What did the blonde say when her boyfriend blew in her ear?
A: “Thanks for the refill!”

Q: How many blonde jokes are there?
A: Only one, the rest are all true!

Q: What do you call a smart blonde?
A: A golden retriever.

Q: What do you call an upside down blonde with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: What do you call a blonde that has dyed her hair brown?
A: Artificial Intelligence

Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a street corner?
A: Regular Price, Four bucks, Four bucks, Four bucks.

Q: What do you get when you turn a bleach blonde upside down?
A: A brunette with bad breath.

Q: How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?
A: There's a tampon behind her ear, and she can't find her pencil. (Alternately, can't find a cigarette)

A borgism is a type of joke that usually follows the format of “I am (celebrity) of Borg, you will be ________”, a play on the various Borg Lines from the popular series Star Trek.
[edit]
Examples
“I am Bush of Borg. There is no resistance. Mission accomplished.”
“I am Dyslexic of Borg. Your ass will be laminated. Fusistence is retile.”
“I am Jessica Simpson of Borg. Prepare to be, well, like, duh…”
“I am Simon Cowell of Borg. American Idol will assimiate your hideous voice and show it on TV along with your amazingly bad performance for all America to see and laugh at.
”I am William Hung of Borg. You will assimilate my new album. Resistance is futile.“
” I am Colonel Klink of Borg. Prepare for 30 days of ASSSIMMMMILLATION!
“Meesa Jar Jar offa Borg. Prepar-ah to beesa diss-ahed by -ah Spike Lee.”
“I am Rainman of Borg. There are definitely 250 phasers pointed at me. Yeah V-E-R-N!”
“ I am Tom Cruise of Borg. Prepare to have your couch danced on.”
“I am Jesse Jackson of Borg. Resistance is moot.”
“I am Ross Perot of Borg. Resistance is like trying to maintain your crops when you've got a swarm of locusts coming at you and flooding like we had in Iowa this year. There is just no way a farmer can stand against such great odds. That's the same way it'll be for you.”
“I am Bush Sr. of Borg. You will be assimilated into a kinder, gentler Borg.”
“I am a salesman of Borg. You will buy Amway. If you resist, could I at least come over to your house and rehearse my sales pitch?”
“I am Al Gore of Borg. You will be environated.”
“I am Bill Clinton of Borg. You will be taximilated.”
“Hi-ho! This is Kermit of Borg!”
“I am Homer Simpson of Borg. You will be….. oooh! Doughnuts!”
“I am Heisenborg. You will probably be assimilated.”
“I'm Popeye the Sailor-Borg. You will be askimilgrated. Reskwistrance is futile unless you eat spinach.”
“I am Elmer Fudd of Borg. Pwepawe to be aswimiwated.”
“I am Porky Pig of Borg. You will be as-s-sim, as-s-sim, oh forget it”.
“I am Porky Pig of Borg. Yo…yo…yo…you will be assimilated, folks!”
“I am Hugh of Borg. We want to assimilate Troi. Geordi is our friend. He can watch.”
“Yoda of Borg I am. Futile, resistance is. Assimilate you, I will.”
“I am Pat Sajak of Borg. R_sist_nc_ is futil_.”
“I am Alex Trebek of Borg. For $200, it starts with ”R“ and is futile.”
“I am Barney of Borg. Being assimilated is fun.”
“I am Kirk of Borg. I…WILL……assimilate…..YOU.”
“I am an electrician of Borg. Resistance is voltage divided by current.”
“I am an electrician of Borg. Resistance is futile if less than one ohm.”
“Daffy Duck of Borg. Yooouuuuuuuuuuu'rrrrrre irrelevant!”
“Borg, James Borg. Vodka martini, gin is irrelevant.”
“I am Elvis of Borg. Assimilate me tender…”
“We all sleep in a single subroutine”. - The Borgtles, minus 2 of 4
“I am Elmer Fudd of Borg. Hunting wabbits is iwwelevant”.
“I am Mr. Rogers of Borg. Can you say assimilate?”
“I am Ed McMahon of Borg. You may already have been assimilated!”
“I am not of Borg. You will be separated. Resistance is encouraged.”
“I am Hillary Clinton of Borg. I will assimilate you fraudulently and shred all the records of the diversion of your assets to my husband's campaign.”
“I am Shareware of Borg. You will be assimilated once you send in $99. Press the ‘Q’ key after 30 seconds to continue.”
“We are Microsoft. Resistance is futile. You will be assimilated after 30-Day trial period.”
“I am Homeless of Borg - ‘WILL ASSIMILATE FOR FOOD’”
“I am Pentium of Borg. You will be approximated. Division is futile.”
“I am Geraldo of Borg. On today's show: people who have been assimilated, and the women who love them.”
“I am Apple Newton of Borg. You w1l1 be assImiIated by an aut0mat1c hendwr1t1ng reoogn1ti0n 5ystam.”
“I am Rush Limbaugh of Borg. Liberals will be assimilated.”
“I am Mork of Borg. Nanoo, nanoo! You will be assimilated, as soon as I report to Orson.”
“I am Mattel of Borg. Some assimilation required.”
“Welcome to Borger King. We do it our way. ”Your way“ is irrelevant. You will be assimilated. You want fries with that?”
“Welcome to Borg-TV. You will be assimilated after this word from our sponsor.”
“I am Alex Plank of Borg. You will now give me your photograph. Resistance will result in a ban.”
“I am Robert Jordan of Borg. You will be assimilated in two more books, I promise.”
“I am Asmodean of Borg. Who assimilated me?”
“I am Tux of Borg. You will be assimilated and your distinctiveness added to our kernel. Compilation is futile.”
“I am Dubya of Borg. We're gonna get us some evildoers and assimilate ‘em.”
“I am Al Gore of Borg. I invented assimilation.”
“I am John Paul Stevens of Borg. I will use eminent domain power to assimilate private property for the public good.”
“I am Google of Borg. You will be a s s s s s s s imilated.”
“I am Wikipedia of Borg.” This article is a stub. You can help by assimilating it.

• What do you get when you burn DihydrogenHeptaChloroMethane?
You can’t. It doesn't exist.
• What do you get when you burn 1-MethylDecane?
Burnt 1-methyldecane.
• What do you get when you burn 2-MethylDecane?
Burnt 2-methyldecane.
• What do you get when you burn 20-MethylDecane?
Burnt 20-methyldecane.
• What do you get when you burn 10-MethylDecane?
Burnt 1-methyldecane. 10-MethylDecanethe is the same as 1-MethylDecane.
• Why did the white bear dissolve in water?
Because it was polar.
• Two atoms are sitting in a bar. One says, “Oh no, I've lost an electron!”
“Are you sure?” says the other. “Yes, I'm positive.”
• A neutron walks into the bar and orders a drink. “How much?” “No charge.”
• You are either part of the solution or part of the precipitate.

Microsoft
MS-DOS: You Asked For It, You Got It
Warning: May be offensive to devout Windows users.
• What crashes Faster than Windows 98?
Windows ME
• What feature does Windows have that Linux doesnt?
crash.dll
• How many Windows technicians does it take to replace a light bulb?
20 - 15 to patch it to background, 2 to create lightbulb 1.01v.exe, and 3 to convince the public to buy it before all computers crash.
OR
zero, they just declare darkness to be industry-standard.
• What happens…
When you play a Windows install disk backwards, it sounds like cave men(the people who program it). When you play it forwards, something much worse happens. Windows installs.
• Windows #1 factually wrong program name
Microsoft Works
• Is Windows a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:
1. They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.
2. Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.
3. Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.
4. Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh… Windows does that, too.
5. Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2.) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, that's with Windows, too.
Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences:
• Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.
• So Windows is not a virus. It's a bug.
• Top 10 thing to do While Windows loads
10.-Do your work
9.-Do Your Taxes
8.-Write your college thesis
7.-Explore the wide world of “Get a mac”
6.-Ponder as to why you bought a Windows computer
5.-Start reprogramming your computer with 1s and 0s
4.-Move a TV right next to your computer
3.-See a loading recovery counselor
2.-Install Linux
1.-Whack your computer with a 20 pound sledge
• What responses do you get if you thank the Microsoft support team?

“We are looking into the problem and will contact you with a solution as soon as possible.”
Thank you for contacting MicroSoft,
Your problem is of the utmost importance to us, We will not stop working, whether day or night, until we can correct it. We ask of you not to lose your patience, as this process may take a long time ~cough~neverhappening~cough~
Please do not attempt to recontact us through this e-mail again. Your computer will now self-destruct … Just kidding -Microsoft
“You mean we gave you support?”
• Windows troubleshooting steps:
1. Reboot
2. Reinstall Application
3. Reinstall Windows
4. Install Linux.
5. Buy another Windows Product

• How did I reprogram the Windows Computer?
With an axe.

• Ever noticed how fast Windows runs?
Neither have I.

• What's the button only for Windows?
Reset!
• The day Microsoft makes a product that doesn't suck is the day they build a vacuum cleaner.
• There's nothing safer than a Windows box. It's impossible to hack something that keeps crashing.

[edit]
Indian Gods Roles/Responsibilites
1. Brahma - Systems Installation
2. Vishnu - Systems Administration & Support
3. Lakshmi - Finance and Accounts consultant
4. Saraswati - Training and Knowledge Management
5. Shiva - DBA (Crash Specialist)
6. Ganesh - Quality Assuarance & Documentation
7. Narada - Data transfer
8. Yama - Reorganization & Downsizing Consultant
9. Chitragupta - IDP & Personal Records
10. Apsaras - Downloadable Viruses
11. Devas - Mainframe Programmers
12. Surya - Solaris Administrator
13. Rakshasas - In house Hackers
14. Ravan - Internet Explorer WWW
15. Kumbhakarnan - Zombie Process
16. Lakshman - Support Software and Backup
17. Hanuman - Linux
18. Vaali -M$ Windows
19. Sugreeva - DOS
20. Jatayu - Firewall
21. Dronacharya System Programmer - Vishwamitra
22. Sr. Manager Projects - Shakuni
23. Annual appraisal & Promotion - Valmiki
24. Technical Writer (Ramayana Sign off document) - Krishna
25. SDLC ( Sudarshan Wheel Development Life Cycle ) - Dharm! araj Yudhishthira
26. ISO Consultant (CMM level 5) - Arjun
27. Lead Programmer (all companies are vying for him) - Abhimanyu
28. Trainee Programmer - Draupadi
29. Motivation & Team building - Bhima
30. MAINFRAME LEGACY SYSTEM - Duryodhana
31. Microsoft product Written in VB - Karna
32. Contract programmer - Dhrutarashtra
33. Visual C++ - Gandhari
34. 100 Kauravas - Microsoft Service Packs and patches
[edit]
Apple
• Macintosh: What You See Is What You Get
• Did you know that Macintosh actually stands for Machine Always Crashes If Not The Operating System Hangs (ok, well then, for System 7 backwards)
• If you built a computer so simple, any idiot could use it, only idiots would use it.
• Do you know what the handle on the iMac is for? It’s so you have something to hold on to when you want to throw it out the window.
• Macintosh now has a line of expensive doorstops that come in any colour you want. They’re called “iMacs”.
Q: What's the difference between a Mac and an Etch-a-Sketch?
A: You don't have to shake the Mac to clear the screen.
[edit]
Linux
Linux does infinite loops in five seconds.
–
Try the following on your *nix system in csh/tcsh, it will work…
% make fire
make: *** No rule to make target `fire'. Stop.
% why?
why?: No match.
–
On a Linux system, create a user “tyler”. SSH to your computer and login as tyler, then shut down the system (using su if necessary). Will display, “Going down, Mr. Tyler?”
[edit]
Acronyms
MS-Windows
* Mostly Swaps When It's Not Dealing Only With Solitaire
* Mainly Slow When It's Not Dealing Only With Solitaire
* My System Will Intentionally Never Do Output Without Scrambling
* My System's Wholly Integrated Newly Designed Over Weight Solitaire
Windows
* When I Need Data Output Without Speed
* Will Install Needless Data On Whole System
* Well, It Never Does Operate With Speed
* Wholly Inbred Needless Data On the Welfare System
* While Idle, Never Does Operate Well, Sigh
* While Idle, Needs DX or WorkStation
* Wholly Inadequate Needless Damned Outrageous Waste of Space
Win
* Whoppingly Immense NOP (NOP=assembly command to do nothing)
* Worm Infestation Netware
MS-Windows NT or Windows NT
* My Solitaire With Its New De-accelerator Only With Some Network Technology
* Well Intended, Netword De-accelerator, Only Works Sometimes, Never Totally
* Windows as a Netword Trojan


Dead baby jokes have their roots from the “dead body” jokes of the 80s and 90s. They derive their humour from the shock value of dead and/or mutilated babies. Often it is the reaction they produce that is entertaining. Many find them abhorrent, but they are not intended to encourage infanticide. Such jokes are better told than read.

Q: What is the worst thing in the world?
A: A truck-full of dead babies in a Mother's day parade.

Q: Why didn't they crucify baby Jesus?
A: I don't know why they didn't either.

Q: What's white and red and hangs from a telephone wire?
A: A baby shot through a snowblower.

Q: What's the difference between a bucket of gravel and a bucket of baby guts?
A: You can't gargle gravel.

Q: How do you stop a baby crawling round in circles?
A: Nail its other hand to the floor.

Q: What is the difference between a baby and a watermelon?
A: One of them is fun to smash with a hammer, the other is a watermelon.

Q: How many dead babies can you fit in the back of a Dodge?
A: 37.

Q: What do you get when you slice up a dead baby's skull with a razor blade?
A: I don't know about you, but I get an erection.

Q: What is the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies?
A: I don't have a Porsche in my garage.

Q: Which is easier to unload, a truck full of dead babies or bowling balls?
A: Dead babies, you can use a pitchfork.
Q: Why do you use a pitchfork to unload the truck full of babies?
A: So you can tell if any are still alive.

Q: How many dead babies does it take to paint a wall?
A: Depends how hard you throw them.

Q: How many dead babies does it take to shingle a roof?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.

Q: Whats worse than ten dead babies in a trash can?
A: One dead baby in ten trash cans.

Q: Why did the dead baby cross the road?
A: It was stapled to the chicken.

Q: What's more hilarious than a dead baby nailed to a tree?
A: TWO dead babies nailed to a tree!!!
A: A dead baby nailed to a tree on Easter.
A: A dead baby in a Christmas pagaent. His parents clapping.

Q: What's worse than one dead baby?
A: Two dead babies.
A: Half a dead baby and a pie.
Q: What's worse than half a dead baby and a pie?
A: Half a dead baby and half a pie.
Q: What's worse than two dead babies?
A: A pile of dead babies.
Q: What's worse than a pile of dead babies?
A: A pile of dead babies with one alive at the bottom, suffocating.
Q: What's worse than a pile of dead babies with one alive at the bottom, suffocating?
A: A pile of dead babies with one alive at the bottom, suffocating trying to eat its way out.
Q: What's worse than a pile of dead babies with one alive at the bottom, suffocating trying to eat its way out?
A: The original four at the bottom, eating each other.

Q: What's twelve inches long, stiff as a board, and keeps a housewife up all night screaming?
A: Crib death.

Q: Have you ever seen a dead baby spinning in a blender?
A: Me neither. I screwed up and forgot to put to top on. The bits and pieces blinded me before I saw it.

Q: How do you get 100 dead babies into a telephone booth?
A: With a blender.
Q: How do you place the babies in the blender?
A: Feet first. That way, you can see the look on its face!
A: Feet first, so you can come into its mouth.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: With nachos.
(Alternatively)
Q: How do you get 100 babies into a bucket?
A: With a blender!
Q: How do you get them out again?
A: With tortilla chips!

Q: What did the blind, deaf, paraplegic baby get for Christmas?
A: Cancer.
A: Raped.
A: A pony.
A: 85 gunshot wounds.

Q: What's better than tying a baby to a ceiling fan and watching it spin?
A: Stopping it with a shovel.
A: Cutting the rope and watching it fly.

Q: How many dead babies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Depends how tall you are. The shorter you are, the more you have to stand on to reach the socket.
A: Who needs light bulbs? Build a fire.

Q: What's blue and sits in the corner?
A: Baby in a plastic bag.
Q: What's green and sits in the corner?
A: Same baby, a month later.

Q: What sits in a corner and becomes redder and redder?
A: A baby with a razor blade.
Q: What's red and silver and runs into walls?
A: A baby with forks in its eyes.

Q: What's worse than a dead baby in a tree?
A: Seven dead babies in a tree.
Q: What's worse than seven dead babies in a tree?
A: A dead baby in seven trees.

Q: What's blue and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool?
A: A baby with slashed Floaties.
Q: What's red and orange and sits at the top of the swimming pool?
A: Floaties with a slashed baby.
Q: What's green and orange and sits at the top of the swimming pool?
A: Same baby, a month later.
Q: What's green and orange and sits all throughout the swimming pool?
A: Same baby after finally going through the filter.

Q: How do you make a dead baby float?
A: Take your foot off its head.
A: Two cups root beer, two scoops ice cream, one scoop dead baby.

Q: Why do dead babies have soft spots on their heads?
A: So you can pick them up five at a time.
A: So you have somewhere to put your straw.

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a trampoline?
A: You have to take off your shoes on a trampoline.
A: You don't wear cleats when you jump on a trampoline.
A: I don't have a trampoline in my backyard.
A: Trampolines won't feed my family.
A: Trampolines fetch less in a garage sale.
A: No one on eBay bought my trampoline.
A: The police might care about the trampoline.

Q: What's worse than a dead baby in a trash can lid?
A: A trash can lid in a dead baby.

Q: What's funnier than a dead baby?
A: A dead baby in a clown suit!
Q: What's funnier than a dead baby in a clown suit?
A: A dead baby in a clown suit on Halloween!
Q: What's funnier than a dead baby in a clown suit on Halloween?
A: Giving it to a trick-or-treater!
Q: What's funnier than giving a dead baby in a clown suit on Halloween to a trick-or-treater?
A: Trick-or-treating with a dead baby in a clown suit on Halloween!
A: Giving a dead trick-or-treater and a dead baby in a clown suit to the mother that was with them while they trick-or-treated on Halloween!
Q: What's funnier that trick-or-treating with a dead baby in a clown suit on Halloween?
A: Trick-or-treating with a dead baby in a clown suit on Mother's day!

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and an aspirin?
A: You don't have to chuck aspirin in acid to watch it fizz.

Q: What's the difference between this dead baby and the other dead baby?
A: I just fucked this one.

Q: When's a good time to bury a dead baby?
A: When you think it's talking to you, again.
A: When it says its first word.
A: When your girlfriend names it.
A: When you've finally found a girlfriend.

Q: How do you stop a dead baby falling down a manhole?
A: Stick a javelin through its head.
Q: How do you stop a live baby falling down a manhole?
A: Stick a javelin through its head.
Q: How do you stop a live baby falling down a manhole without killing it?
A: Hang the dead baby with a javelin sticking through its head over the manhole, set the live baby on top.
Q: Why would you want to stop a live baby falling down a manhole?
A: You haven't fed your dogs yet.
Q: How did I stick the javelin through the dead baby's head?
A: With practice.
A: Who said that was a javelin?

Q: What's brown and knocking on the window?
A: A baby in the oven.
Q: What's red, bubbly and taps on the window?
A: A baby in a microwave.
Q: How long does a baby last in the microwave?
A: Two minutes, forty-three seconds.

Q: What's fun?
A: Nailing a baby to the wall
Q: What's more fun?
A: Ripping the baby off.

Q: What's red, white, and blue and swings through the air?
A: A dead baby with a noose around its neck… and a meathook through it.

Q: What's the worst place to find a dead baby?
A: On a menu.
Q: What do you do if you find dead baby on a menu?
A: Take your napkin, wipe it off.

Q: What's the difference between a baby and a dead baby?
A: A British nanny.
A: It's easier to chew on the dead baby.
A: Dead babies don't cry when you screw them.

Q: How do you get a dead baby out of a carseat?
A: Lock a live baby in the car.
A: Get an exacto knife, cut open the cushioning, and take out the one you put there last week.
Q: What do you do with the live baby?
A: Lock a dingo in the car.

Q: What do you give a dead baby on Christmas?
A: Marinade.
A: 2-3 hours at 350°

Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: Give it a dead baby.

Q: What's the hardest part about playing paddycake with a dead baby?
A: Remembering where you put its arms.

Q: What's the hardest part about playing peekaboo with a dead baby?
A: Other people at the funeral home cut in line when your eyes are closed.

Q: What's the hardest part about playing hide-and-go-seek with a dead baby?
A: Finding somewhere you haven't hidden one.
A: The smell.

Q: What do you put in a baby's milk to stop it from crying?
A: Anthrax.

Q: What's the difference between a dead baby and a cinder block?
A: None. You find both under the trailer.
A: I haven't tried smashing a cinder block with a sledge hammer, yet.

Q: What's red and sticky and crawls up your leg?
A: A homesick abortion.
Q: What's the difference between an abortion and sand?
A: You can't eat sand.

Q: Why did the baby fall out of the tree?
A: Because it was dead.
Q: Why did the second baby fall out of the tree?
A: It was stapled to the first.
Q: Why did the third baby fall out of the tree?
A: Peer pressure.

Q: How do you roll a dead baby down a hill?
A: Blow it up with a water hose.

Q: What's pink and sits in the corner, getting smaller and smaller?
A: A baby combing its hair with a potato peeler.

Q: How do you surprise a dead baby?
A: When the back of the garbage truck opens up again, shout “Peek-a-boo…!”

Q: How do you get away with infanticide?
A: Tell them the dog ate it.

Q: What's more fun than taking candy from baby?
A: Switching it with a faulty tazer.

Q: What's the difference between a blue seude suit and a dead baby?
A: I don't have a blue seude suit hanging in my closet.

Q: Why is a baby more fun than a cockroach?
A: Cockroaches don't mutate under nuclear radiation.

Q: Can you teach a dead baby new tricks?
A: Yes, it can now play dead.
A: No, even my dogs knows how to play fetch with it.

Q: What do you get if you cross a dead baby with a donkey?
A: Dead babies can't be impregnated. :(

Q: What do you get when drop a baby through a tree-shredder?
A: A lucky dip.
Q: Why is this unwise?
A: It usually bounces back, half-processed.
Q: Should you drop a dead baby through a tree-shredder feet-first like you would a blender?
A: Yes, especially if you want it see it bounce back.
A: No, you can see all the good bits when you lucky dip, giving the guys at the back of the que an unfair chance.

Q: Would you rather have a baby eaten by ants or lions?
A: Ants. So I can keep the bones as a memorabilia.
A: Ants. I'd have more time to practice my composition in photography.
A: Lions. It's fun watching them fight over it.
A: Lions. My friends have short attention spans.
A: Neither. I'm hungry, too.

Q: What do you call a baby shot out of a canon, over a tall cliff and bearing down onto some ridiculously large, jagged rocks, the tips of which are the only things that can be seen in the darkness that seems to go on forever?
A: Dead.
Q: What do you call a baby forced-fed nitroglycerin, thrown into the back of an unmanned explosives truck, travelling 70 miles an hour into a steel manufacturing factory to crash into and make a big hole on the side of the red-hot furnace?
A: Fried.
Q: What do you call a baby crawling into the nearest Pedophile Pub?
A: Screwed.

Q: What's black and pink and red all over?
A: Half-charred baby with tomato sauce.

Q: What do you get when you find conjoined twins sitting on your porch?
A: An easy threesome.

Q: How can you tell where the baby was buried in my yard?
A: Ask the dog.

Q: Want to see a dead baby run?
A: Well you can't. It's too sore between the legs.

Q: What’s worse the one hundred dead baby’s stapled to a tree?
A: One dead baby stapled to a hundred trees.

Q: How many babies does it take to feed a piranha?
A: Two. One to push the other in.
Q: How many babies does it take to feed a bunch of piranhas?
A: Two. Once the second baby sees how much fun the other's having, it'd want to join in, as well.
Q: How many babies does it take to feed more paranhas than would require two?
A: Now shut up, already.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Dead baby.
Dead baby- whew! Sure smells like it.

If a tree falls on a baby in the forest, and no one is around to hear it, is it still hilarious?

So, a woman and her husband are sitting at home watching the news one night when suddenly the woman's water breaks. Her husband instantly gets her in the car and speeds to the nearest hospital. Once there, she is rushed into the maternity ward, and he is told that he must stay outside. He tells them that he needs to be there to console his wife, but they still won't allow him in. So he paces for 2 hours, while he hears sounds of pain from the enclosed room. Finally, the nurse tells him that he can enter. He bursts in the door as the doctor takes the baby out through another, and he rushes to his wife. She smiles weakly, and says “It's a beautiful girl, just like we always wanted.” He smiles and gently strokes her brow. Then, the doctor returns with the baby in his arms. Just as he reaches out to give it to the woman, he snatches it away and bashes it against a wall. Then he picks it up, beats it against the counter a couple of times, punches it in the head, and then drop-kicks it out the window. The young couple is speechless. As the woman softly begins to whimper, the doctor smiles and says, “April Fools, it was already dead!”
Retrieved from "http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Jokebook:Dead_Baby_Jokes“


Dirty Jokes
• In the first grade class, the teacher has brought in a bowl of fruit, and is asking the class to guess which ones she is describing. First, she says, “Alright… this one is round, has hair on it, and has sweet juice inside.” Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher (with a full record of his long history of inappropriate comments) ignores him, calling on Suzie, who answers, “A peach.” The teacher says, “No, it’s a kiwi, but I like your thinking.” Then, she says, “Okay, this next one is long, hard, and it feels good in your mouth.” Johnny raises his hands, and is ignored—again, Suzie is picked to answer. She says, “A banana.” The teacher replies, “No, it was a cucumber, but I like your thinking.” At this point, Johnny stands up, puts his hand in his pocket, and says, “Teacher, I have one for you. It’s something I’ve got in my pocket. It’s round, hard, and it has a head on it.” The teacher says, “That’s disgusting!” Johnny replies, “No, it’s a quarter, but I like your thinking.”

• There was a lovely young lady who lived a simple life with her beloved husband and just happened to have the most beautiful butt in the world. Her husband was an attentive man who commented often, to her delight, in regards to her beautiful butt. For their anniversary the wife with the beautiful butt desired to present her husband with a gift both unique and treasured…and frugal. With much consideration she decided to adorn her beautiful butt with a lovely tattoo of the words ”Beautiful Butt“ and present it to her husband as a gift on their anniversary. The young lady ventured to a fine tattoo parlor and inquired of pricing for such a thing. Alas the price was quite expensive. Nearing the important date and being a bit poor at the moment, the young lady had a bright idea: a cute little ”B“ on the left cheek for ”Beautiful“ and a cute little ”B“ on the right cheek for ”Butt“–affordable, adorable and quite unique! So she proceeded to have the tattoo.

Upon arriving home from work on the day of their anniversary, the loving groom was met at the door by his adoring bride and greeted with a gentle kiss hello. ”I have something to show you,“ said the young lady as she turned, sauntered several steps, flipped up her little skirt and presented her man with his surprise. Her husband's only response was, ”Who the fuck is Bob?“
• A destitute man walks into a brothel, goes to the matron at the counter and says, ”Look, I'm absolutely desperate, but I only have five bucks. Is there anything you can do for me?“ The matron says, ”Yes, I think so,“ and reaches under the counter and hands the man a duck. The man says, ”A duck? Well, OK.“ and he sheepishly takes the duck into one of the rooms, does his business with the duck, thanks the matron, and leaves.

Two weeks later he comes back again with a desperate look in his eye. ”OK, this time I have ten dollars! What can I get with that?“ The matron looks under the counter, and again presents the man with a duck. ”You whore!“ the man says, ”I have twice as much money this time, but I get the same goddamn duck!“

”Not true,“ the matron replies, ”This duck doesn't have AIDS.“
• A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his dick and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp. And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour. The husband shouts, ”What the hell's happening?“ To which the doctor replies, ”Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!“
• From a real letter to the UK Sun newspaper:

Dear Deidre,

I have been engaged for almost a year. I am to be married next month. My fiancee's mother is not only very attractive but really great and understanding. She is putting the entire wedding together and invited me to her place to go over the invitation list because it had grown a bit beyond what we had expected it to be. When I got to her place we reviewed the list and trimmed it down to just under a hundred … then she floored me. She said that in a month I would be a married man and that before that happened, she wanted to have sex with me. Then she just stood up and walked to her bedroom and on her way said that I knew where the front door was if I wanted to leave. I stood there for about five minutes and finally decided that I knew exactly how to deal with this situation. I headed straight out the front door… There, leaning against my car was her husband, my father-in-law to be. He was smiling. He explained that they just wanted to be sure I was good kid and would be true to their little girl. I shook his hand and he congratulated me on passing their little test. Deidre, should I tell my fiancee what her parents did, and that I thought their ”little test“ was asinine and insulting to my character? Or should I keep the whole thing to myself including the fact that the reason I was walking out to my car was to get a condom?
Regards,
• The mail man Charly retires after thirty years of service. He walks around his route one last time to say goodbye to his clients. When he reaches the lady's house she invites him in, asks him if he wants to have sex, and gives him a dollar. Charly is puzzled he asks the lady ”I have been walking this route for thirty years and all that time you never even said hello and now you fuck me and give me a dollar? What's going on?“ She replies ”It is my husband's idea“. The mailman still doesn't understand and the lady says, ”Yesterday when my husband and I were sitting in the evening watching TV, I told him that Charly the Mailman is retiring, and asked what should I do?“ and he said ”Fuck him. Give him a dollar.“
• A football coach noticed that his star tackle, Bubba, had so many women hanging around that he couldn’t possibly handle all of them. So one day he asked Bubba, “Just what the hell is your secret?”
Bubba replied, “Well, coach, whenever I’m about to have sex, I always whip it out and bang it on the dresser like a hammer. That numbs it and I can screw ’em forever!”
The coach went home early that day and went straight to the bedroom. He heard his wife in the shower and, seeing a window of opportunity, tore off his clothes and started banging his penis on the dresser. His wife immediately stuck her head out of the shower and said, “Is that you, Bubba?”
• A man and his girlfriend agree to meet at the movie theater at eight. The man arrives a few minutes early and waits for a half hour, then an hour, finally until Midnight. Still, she never shows up. So he stalks home, furious, snatches up the phone, and dials her number.

”What the hell?“ he says, ”I thought we agreed to meet at eight.“
”It's over,“ says the girlfriend, ”We're through. All my friends say you're a pedophile.“

”Pedophile?“ he says, ”That's a pretty big word for a seven-year-old.“

• Q: How do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
A: You pick it up and suck its cock.
• Q: What is the best thing about a blowjob?
A: Ten minutes of silence.

Q: What did the leper say to the hooker?
A: Keep the tip.
• A girl asked her father for $10. He told here she had to suck his dick if she wanted it. First she refused, but after some thinking, she agreed. :When she put her dad's business in her mouth, she realized it smelled and tasted like shit. :”Damn it, Dad!“ she said. ”There's shit on your dick!“ :”I know,“ he said. ”Your brother wanted a Happy Meal …“
• A man walks into a pub and sees a monkey sitting on the bar. ”How much for that monkey?“ says the man. ”That'll be £200“ says the barman. ”Bloody hell, what a rip off!“ says the man. ”Take your expensive monkey and shove it up your arse!“ ”Ah, but this is no ordinary monkey“ says the barman, ”this monkey will give you the best blow job you ever had! Give him a try if you don't believe me.“ So the man goes into the back room and the monkey gives him a blow job while the barman watches. ”Bloody hell, you're not wrong! This monkey is really good!“ says the man. So he hands over the £200 and leaves the pub with the monkey in his arms. He goes home, his wife is washing dishes in the kitchen. ”Did you have a good day dear?“ says the wife. ”Yes“, says the man, ”I just bought this monkey and it cost me £200, so I want you to teach it to cook and then teach it to wash then I want you to get the fuck out of my house."
Careers
• Actors do it on stage.
• Bankers do it with interest, and a penalty for early withdrawal.
• Chemical engineers do it in fluidised beds.
• Divers do it deeper but surfers hit the lip.
• Drummers do it with rhythm.
• Firemen do it with a long hose and high pressure.
• It takes a nimble tongue to be a cunning linguist.
• Lawyers do it before a jury of their peers.
• Milk maids do it in the dairy air.
• Mercenaries do it for money.
• Policemen do it with a big baton.
• Polymer chemists do it in chains.
• Factory workers do it hourly.
• Teachers do it nine months a year.
• Dentists do it in the mouth.
[edit]
Computers
• APL hackers do it in the quad.
• Computer programmers do it bit by bit.
• Java programmers do it anywhere.
• Pascal programmers can only do it by pretending to be C programmers.
• Techies do it in the dark.
[edit]
D&D
• Druids do it like animals.
• Rangers do it in nature.
• Rogues do it from behind.
• Sorcerers are born to do it.
• Wizards have to learn how.
• Barbarians do it hard.
• Bards do it singing.
• Witches do it in circles.
• Witches do it with broomsticks.
[edit]
Sports
• Baseball players tend to strike out.
• Fishermen do it with big rods
• Golf players do it with dimpled balls.
• Rugby players do it with two hookers, both ways, for 80 minutes.
• Tennis players get good depth on their stroke.
• Tennis players do it with hairy balls.
[edit]
Misc
• Amish girls do it manually.
• Bikers like something warm and throbbing between their legs.
• Comic book collectors do it rarely.
• Communists do it communally.
• Jedis do it with force.
• Kamakazis do it once.
• Debaters do it orally
How do you make a Venetian blind?
Poke him in the eye with a sharp stick.

How do you make a sausage roll?
Push it down a hill.

How do you make a Swiss roll?
Push him down an Alp.

How do you make a Maltese cross with only one match?
Light it and stick it up his jumper.

How do you make a dog drink?
Put it in a blender.

How do you make a local call?
(US) Give her your number.
(UK) Give her your address.

How do you make a kitchen sink?
Dig away the foundations.

how do you make amy normal??
take away her horse features
* In America, you play Tetris.
In Soviet Russia Tetris plays you!
* In America, you watch TV.
In Soviet Russia, TV watches you!!!
* In America, you start up Windows.
In Soviet Russia Windows start up you!
* In America, you take out trash can.
In Soviet Russia, trash can takes out you!!
• In America, they put “In God we Trust” on their money.
In Soviet Russia, we had no money.
• In America, it's legal to be homosexual.
In Soviet Russia, cock sucks you.
• In America, you shoot gun.
In Soviet Russia, gun shoot you.
• In America, you catch cold.
In Soviet Russia, cold catch you.
• In America, you eat steak.
In Soviet Russia, steak eat you.
• How do you feel about tab browsing?
In Soviet Russia, browsers keep tabs on you.
• In America, you surf the WWW.
In Soviet Russia, WWW surf you.
• In America, you smell Winterfresh.
In Soviet Russia, Winterfresh smells you.
• In America, you shop for clothing.
In Soviet Russia, clothing shops for you.
• In America, you delete bad jokes and other nonsense.
In Soviet Russia, bad jokes and other nonsense delete you.
• In America, you try to be funny.
In Soviet Russia, funny tries to be you.
• In LA you can always find a party
In Soviet Russia, the Party can always find you.
• In America, you turn on the computer.
In Soviet Russia, the computer turns you on.
• In America, all your base are belong to us.
In Soviet Russia, you are belong to all your base.
• In America,You Catch Fish
In Soviet Russia, Fish Catch you.
• In America, You violate terms of service.
In Soviet Russia, terms of service violate you

• Your teeth are so yellow you spit butter
• Your mind is so narrow you could use it as a bookmark
• You're so fat you sweat Crisco
• You're so fat you sat on a rainbow and made Skittles
• You're so fat you sat on a dollar and made four quarters
• You're so fat you fell down the Grand Canyon and got stuck
• You're so fat you couldn't fit on the biggest loser
• You're so dumb you thought a quarterback was a refund
• You're so ugly even the tide wouldn't take you out
• You're so ugly when you were born the doctor slapped yo mama
• You're so deep in the closet you're finding Christmas presents
• You're so poor you can't afford to pay attention
• You're so ugly I had to tie a steak to your face just so the dog would play with you
• You're so fat you wear an asteroid belt
• Has anyone told you that you have the perfect face for radio?
• Your singing reminds me of pirates: it's murder on the “high c”s!
• Your village called, they're in the market for an idiot.
• You could make a living straightening things; every time I see you, you're pulling something crooked.
• I oughta give you a piece of my mind; you don't seem to have much to spare.
• You're not as dumb as you look – no human could be that stupid and live.
• You're like a cheap axe: you're not very sharp, and you lose your head too easily.
[edit]
Shakepearean Insults
Vile worm, thou wast o’erlook’d even in thy birth. “The Merry Wives of Windsor” (5.5.60)
Thou art a Castilian King Urinal! Hector of Greece, my boy! “The Merry Wives of Windsor” (2.3.21)
Heaven truly knows that thou art false as hell. “Othello” (4.2.50)
O you beast! O faithless coward! O dishonest wretch! Wilt thou be made a man out of my vice? “Measure for Measure” (3.1.151-3)
Some report a sea-maid spawn’d him; some that he was begot between two stock-fishes. But it is certain that when he makes water his urine is congealed ice. “Measure for Measure” (3.2.56)
Men from children nothing differ. “Much Ado About Nothing” (5.1.36)
You are not worth another word, else I'd call you knave. “All's Well that Ends Well” (2.3.262)
’Sblood, you starveling, you elf-skin, you dried neat’s-tongue, you bull’s pizzle, you stock-fish! O! for breath to utter what is like thee; you tailor’s yard, you sheath, you bow-case, you vile standing-tuck! “1 Henry IV” (14.2.4.103)
There’s no more faith in thee than in a stewed prune. “1 Henry IV” (3.3.40)
I can see his pride Peep through each part of him. “Henry VIII” (1.1.80-1)
Thou sodden-witted lord! thou hast no more brain than I have in mine elbows. “Troilus and Cressida” (2.1.29)
See also Yo Mama
Retrieved from "http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Jokebook:Insults"


• To begin on a good note, here's a quote from Martin Grotjahn which basically sums up Jewish humor in its entirity: “One can almost see how a witty Jewish man carefully and cautiously takes a sharp dagger out of his enemy’s hands, sharpens it so that it can split a hair in midair, polishes it until it shines brightly, stabs himself with it, then returns it gallantly to the anti-Semite with the silent reproach: Now see whether you can do it half as well.”

• Two nuns, sitting on a park bench, are discussing plans for vacation. “How about New York?” asks the first. “Too many Jews there!” “Mexico?” “Too many Jews!” “England?” “Too many Jews!” A Jewish woman, passing by, says, “Why don’t you go to Hell—there are no Jews there!”

• A minister told his friend, Rabbi Goldman, “Last night, I dreamed of the Jewish Heaven. It was a slum, and it was overflowing with people—running, playing, talking, sitting—doing all things. But the dream, and the noise, was so terrific that I woke up.” The rabbi said, “Last night, I dreamed of the Presbyterian Heaven. It was a nice, proper suburb, with neatly trimmed lawns, and houses all neatly lined up.” “How were the people?” asked the minister. “What people?”

• One Pope, in the Dark Ages, decreed that all Jews had to leave the Vatican. The Jews did not want to leave, and so the Pope challenged them to a debate to prove that they could remain. No one, however wanted the responsibility… Until the synagogue janitor, Moishe, volunteered. As there was nobody else who wanted to go, Moishe was given the task. But he wanted a twist: to make it a silent debate. The Pope agreed. The day of the debate came, and they went to St. Peter’s Square to sort out the decision. First the Pope waved his hand around his head. Moishe pointed firmly at the ground. The Pope, in some surprise, held up three fingers. In response, Moishe gave him the middle finger. The crowd started to complain, but the Pope thoughtfully waved them to be quiet. He took out a bottle of wine and a wafer, holding them up. Moishe took out an apple, and held it up. The Pope, to the people’s surprise, said, “I concede. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.” Later, the Pope was asked
what the debate had meant. He explained, “First, I showed him the Heavens, to show that God is everywhere. He pointed at the ground to signify that God is right here with us. I showed him three fingers, for the Trinity. He reminded me that there is One God common to both our religions. I showed him wine and a wafer, for God’s forgiveness. With an apple, he showed me original sin. The man was a master of silent debate.” In the Jewish corner, Moishe has the same question put to him, and answers, “It was all nonsense, really. First, he told me that this whole town would be free of Jews. I told him, Go to Hell! We’re staying right here! Then, he told me we had three days to get out. I told him just what I thought of that proposal.” An older woman asks, “But what about the part at the end?” “That,” said Moishe, “Well, I saw him take out his lunch, so I took out mine.”

• A Jew, about to leave for America, consulted his rabbi for any last pieces of wisdom. The rabbi said, “Life is a fountain.” With this in mind, the man set off, and was successful in America. After some time, he received news that his mentor was dying. He hurried back, to try to thank him for all his help. At the man’s bedside, he asked, reverently, “Rabbi, through all my hardships and many disappointments, I have thought of your advice, and it has always helped me. But, rabbi, if I may ask you—Why is life a fountain?” From behind cracked lips, the rabbi whispered tiredly, “So, life’s not like a fountain.”

• At an interfaith meeting, a rabbi was watching the process of confession. The first woman said “I committed adultery three times this week.” The priest responded, “Put five dollars in the collection tin on the way out.” The second woman also said “I committed adultery three times this week.” The priest responded again, “Put five dollars in the collection tin on the way out.” At this point, the priest needed to leave. He said to the rabbi, “Could you hold the post for a minute?” The rabbi, feeling that he could handle it, responded in the positive. The third woman said “I committed adultery twice this week.” The rabbi responded, “Hey, lady, we got a special this week… Three for five bucks.”

• Moses, after descending Mount Sinai for the third time, told the people, “The good news is that I’ve gotten the list down to ten. The bad news is that adultery is still in.”

• A Jewish merchant’s store is destroyed by a fire. He goes to the insurance agent to collect the insurance. While he’s there, the agent tries to sell him more insurance. “For instance,” he says, “How about storm insurance? You can always use storm insurance.” “Storm?” asks the Jew, “How do you start a storm?”

• An old Jewish lady is approached by a flasher, who opens his coat, and is about to run away, when the woman grabs the hem of his trench coat, and says critically, “You call this a lining?”

• Goldberg is approached by the Tsunami Fund, who says to him, “Goldberg, you have two houses, one here in Boston and one in New York, own eighteen clothing stores, and own seven cars—why can’t you give to us?” Goldberg replies, “Actually, I have an estate in Long Island you seem to have overlooked, and my stores are in thirty-two cities. But you didn’t seem to know—I have a sick mother, in the hospital, in serious condition, and my sister needs to support a family of three children on her own, with a son in college—with college fees as they are!… And if I don’t give any of them one red cent, why should I give you anything?”

• A Jewish man says to his psychiatrist, “Lately, I have been having the strangest dreams. Everybody in them turns into my mother. All I can do is go downstairs, and have a piece of toast.” Glancing up at his patient over his glasses, the psychiatrist says, “What, just one piece of toast, a big boy like you?”

• What’s the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother? The Italian mother tells her child, ‘Eat it, or I’ll kill you.’ The Jewish mother tells her child, ‘Eat it, or I’ll kill myself.’

• As a group of nuns are about to get their last vows to become the wives of our Divine Lord Jesus Christ, the priest is surprised to see the town Rabbi there, sitting in the back row on the right side of the pews. “Ginsberg, why are you here—and so far back? Come up here.” After the rabbi has moved up, he asks, “Now, what brings you here—to see these fine girls take their vows as wife of our Lord?” Ginsberg replies with a small smile, “Family of the Groom.”

• At an interfaith meeting in a strictly moral town, Father O’Brien, Brother Reshna, and Reb Ginsberg are engaging in a friendly game of poker. They get a little too rambunctious, and are caught by the hotel detective, who brings them to the judge. The judge, to avoid a riot, and to avoid spoiling the names of some of the religious leaders, asks them if they can excuse their behavior. The priest says, “Well, can you prove that we were gambling? Just a little earthly pleasure, that’s all.” The judge excuses him. The monk says, “Upon this Earth, all things belong, truly, to us all. And the money, only small worldly possessions, after all, was only marking where to put the cards—not that it was to change hands, either…” Finally, the rabbi is called up, “Ginsberg, how can you excuse this indiscretion of gambling?” The rabbi smiles, and says, “With whom, your honor?”

• A barber, giving a haircut to a monk, in the fringed style, is asked, “What should I pay you?” and the barber replies, “No price, for a religious man such as yourself.” The next day, the barber finds a box of chocolates on his doorstep. That day, the priest has his hair cut, conservatively short. “What shall I pay you, my son?” “No price, for a man of the cloth.” The next day, there is a bottle of fine wine on the barber’s doorstep. That day, Rabbi Finklestein gets his hair cut and paes trimmed, and asks, “What do you want I should pay you?” “Nothing, for a man of God.” And the next morning do you guess what the barber finds on his doorstep? A long line of rabbis!

• Three men are crawling through the desert. The Frenchman cries out, “I’m dying; I’m hungry, I’m thirsty! I must have… wine!” The Englishman cries out, “I’m dying; I’m hungry, I’m thirsty! I must have… tea!” The Jew cries out, “I’m dying; I’m hungry, I’m thirsty! I must have… diabetes!”

• At the Western Wall, a tourist is told that he can pray to God if he talks to the wall. Reluctantly, he says, “God, bring prosperity unto this land.” To the apikoyres’s shock, a voice booms from the heavens, “I WILL, MY SON!” Gaining confidence, he says, “Let this wall stand forever.” And the Voice says, “I WILL, MY SON!” In a burst of belief and well-wishing, he cries, “Let there be peace between Jews and Arabs throughout the Middle East!” After a pause, the Voice says, “YOU’RE TALKING TO A WALL…”

• A rabbi, upon retiring, decides to try trayf. At the diner, he orders an entire suckling pig. While he’s waiting, a family from his congregation sees him, and comes to be with him. The waiter comes, finally, with… what else? An entire suckling pig, roasted, with sauce, and complete with a roast apple in its mouth! The rabbi says, nervously, “Will you get a load of that! Order one roast apple, and look what they give you!”

• What’s the difference between a bris and a get? In the get, you lose the whole shmuck!

• A Bar Mitzvah is when a Jewish boy realizes that he is more likely to own a baseball team than to play on one.

• At the beach, Mrs. Moskowitz is horrified to see her husband swept away by the waves. When the lifeguard is holding him out on the sand, she cries shrilly, “He’s not breathing! Oh God, he’s stopped breathing!” The lifeguard says, “Ma’am, I’m afraid that your husband might require artificial respiration.” Mrs. Moskowitz immediately swells up, and says with controlled fury, “My Bernie is either going to get real respiration, or none at all!”

• Aliens finally make contact with Earth, and, in an interview, the reporter asked the Venusian woman who was serving as representative about questions concerning the life and welfare of Venusians. He begins with the question, “Your skin is green—is that typical of Venusian women?” She blushes, and says, “Oh yes, but not usually as deeply green as mine is—I’ve spent a bit long in the sun lately.” He writes this down, and continues by saying, “And you have eight fingers on each hand—that is also typical?” She says, with a hint of surprise, “Yes, of course! But if there’s an accident, it will take a week or two to grow back.” He writes this down as well, and says, “But… I hope this isn’t personal… I can’t help noticing—each of your fingers has a diamond ring on it—is that also true of Venusian women?” Here, she paused for a moment, then said, “Yes… But
not the goyim.”

• In the school play, Harry Bernstein gets the role of the Jewish husband. But his mother sends him back furiously, demanding that he get a speaking role.

• A rabbi once asked his old friend, the priest, “Could you ever be promoted?” The priest says, thoughtfully, “Well, I could become a bishop.” The rabbi persists, “And then?” With a pause for consideration, the priest replies, “Maybe I could be a cardinal, even.” “And then?” After thinking for some time, the priest responds, “I may, someday, rise to be the Pope.” But the rabbi is still not satisfied. “And then?” With an air of incredulity, the priest cries, “What more could I become? God Himself?” The rabbi said, quietly, “One of our boys made it.”

• The Hebrew school teacher read, “…And, looking back, Lot’s wife turned into a pillar of salt.” Jerry said, “Yesterday, as my mother was driving, she looked back, and she turned into a telephone pole!”

• Walking into a bar, Harry Moskowitz went up to his good friend, Moishe Finkelstein, and said, “Oy, Moishe, I’m so sorry to hear about how your shop burned down!” Whirling around, Moishe whispers hurriedly, “It’s tomorrow, schmuck!”

• Three men were discussing their home lives. The Englishman said, “At home, I have a loving wife. Last night, she screamed for ten minutes after we finished.” The Frenchman scoffs, “Last night, my girl screamed for a full hour after we had finished.” The Jew says lightly, “Last night, my wife screamed for three hours after we finished.” “Three! How did you manage that?” Asked the others. “Oh… I wiped myself off on the drapes.”

• A yeshiva student, asked by his new father-in-law, “What do you do for a living?” “I study the Book of God.” “How will you eat?” “God will provide.” Later, he says to his wife, “The bad news is, he’s got no job, he doesn’t know what to do with his life, and he can’t support a family. The good news is, he thinks I’m God.”

• A Jewish boy, in the old days of prearranged marriages, is going to meet the bride’s family. As the other family is approaching, his father says to him, “I’ll bet you can’t guess which one is going to be your father-in-law.” The boy easily picks him out. With surprise, the father asks him how he guessed. The boy replies, “That one in particular, already I can’t stand!”

• A Jewish boy called his mother, excitedly informing her of his marriage to an Indian girl, how he has a new Indian name, and telling her that she must have an Indian name herself. The mother replied, “I already do—Sitting Shiva.”

• An old Jewish woman, at an MPAA screening for a Roman movie, is horrified to see lions eating people, and she demands an ‘R’ rating. She is told, “No, they’re Christian.” A minute later, she calls again, “That lion over there isn’t eating.”

• The IRS agent, at the synagogue, asks, “What do you do with the left over bits of the bread,” and is told that it is sent to the city, which sends them more bread. He asks, “What do you do with the wax drippings off the candles,” and is told that they are sent to the city, where they are made into candles, and given back. He asks what they do with the bits left over from a bris, and is told that they are also sent to the city. “What do they send you then?” he asks. “Today,” says the rabbi wearily, “they sent us you.”

• A rabbi, on a plane in bad weather, is asked nervously by the woman next to him, “Rabbi, as a man of God, could you do something about the storm?” He replies, “Lady, I’m in sales, not management.”

• Three Reform rabbis, all killed in a car wreck, are confronted by the Lord Himself. “Finkelstein,” the first is told, “Ashtrays in the Temple, so My people can smoke as the Torah is read?” Finkelstein hangs his head in shame. “But this I can forgive.” Finkelstein passes into Heaven. “Moskowitz… ham-and-cheese sandwiches at the Seder—what were you thinking?” Moskowitz also hangs his head mournfully. “But this I can also excuse.” Moskowitz also passes to Heaven. “But you, Goldberg, have gone too far! Putting a sign on the temple on Yom Kippur: ‘Closed for the Holidays!’”

• A monk, a priest, and a rabbi, are all bathing in the pond after a hike. Suddenly, they see a group of women from the town approaching. The monk and priest, hands between their legs, run to the bushes, followed by the rabbi, covering his face. “Why did you cover your face?” they ask. “In my congregation,” he replies, “they usually recognize me by my face!”

• A rabbi, giving a talk in an asylum, is shocked when one man stands up, shouts “God, I can’t stand any more of this shit!” and runs out. After, he asks if he upset the man, and is told that it was actually a good step. “It was the first sane thing he’s said in years!”

• A Jewish boy is told snobbishly by a Christian boy, “Our priest knows more than your rabbi!” The Jewish boy replies, “Of course he does—you tell him everything!”

• A Jewish woman, trying to gain access to an anti-Semitic hotel, was told that they were full. Upon seeing a man check out, and demanding a room, she was told that Jews weren’t allowed. Insisting that she was a good Catholic, she was put to a test. First, she was asked: “Did God have a son.” She replies easily, “Yes.” The man at the desk says, “That was too easy. Tell me what His name was.” Knowing that it was against her views, but still wanting a room, she said, “Jesus Christ.” The man scoffed, “Still easy. Tell me—where was He born?” This was harmless enough. “In a stable, in Bethlehem.” “And why was he born there?” Here, her rage overflowed. She said, in a biting voice: “Because a shmuck like you wouldn’t give his Jewish parents a room!”

• Two bums were sitting on a bench in Vatican City, one with a Crucifix on his collection tin, and the other with a Star of David. Everyone is snubbing the man with the Star, and putting a coin in the man with the Crucifix’s tin, just to spite the former. Finally, a kindly priest says to the man with the Star, “My son, I think that you would have better luck in a different area.” And the man with the Star turns to the man next to him, and says, “Do you believe it, Moishe? This shmuck is telling us how to run our business!”

• Moishe Ginsberg, a Jewish salesman of ribbons, newly arrived in America, presented himself at the door of a suburban house. The owner, being an anti-Semite, said rudely, “I’ll buy enough ribbon as measures from that hooked nose of yours to the tip of your Jewish prick!” Politely, Moishe asked the man to put it in writing, which the man does more than happily. He then told him that he would bring him the order the next day. Sure enough, next day, Moishe comes back… with the entire stock of ribbons! The man, spluttering with fury, asks him what he means by this.” Moishe says calmly, “Here’s the order blank. Don’t bother ripping it up—it’s a Xerox, and the real one is in my safe deposit box.” The man says, “Alright, I wanted just as much as measures from the tip of your nose to the tip of your prick!” Moishe says smoothly, “Yes, but you must understand… The tip of my nose is right here, but the tip of my
prick is in Poland.”

• As part of an interfaith project, a synagogue and a church buy a bus together. The next day, the priest unexpectedly takes the vehicle off. The rabbi, on his return, inquires of his absence. The priest explains about how in the church, they greet a new arrival with a baptism, and how he took it to the car wash. Six days later, the priest finds the rabbi sawing off three inches of the tailpipe…

• A man is hit by a car in New York, and calls vainly for a priest. Finally, a small Jewish man stands up, and says, “Mister, I’ve lived behind the church on Fifty-Fifth Street for twelve years now, and I think I can remember some of the stuff they said.” Solemnly, he stands before the dying pedestrian, and intones, “O-67, R-9, L-21…”

• In a hospital, a nun was doing her daily visits to the sick. In deep discussion with one man, she found out that he had ten children. “Ten!” she exclaimed, “A nice Catholic family—” “But I’m Jewish!” he interrupted. Upon hearing this, the nun immediately made an excuse to go. The man called out for her to come back, as he desired company, but she responded, “I thought I was talking to a good Catholic father, not a sex maniac!”

• Three men of religion were discussing what they wanted said at their burials. The priest said, “I would like someone to mention my kindness and understanding in confessions.” The minister said, “I would like someone to say how my sermons were inspiring and a light in hard times.” The rabbi said, “I want someone to say, ‘Look! Look! He’s still moving!’”

• In confession, a man admitted, “I am eighty-two, married with four children and several grandchildren, and last night I slept with two seventeen-year old girls—all night.” The priest told him to put fifteen dollars into the collection box on his way out, but the man said that he wouldn’t. The priest fired up at this. “Why not? As a good Catholic—” The man interrupted. “I’m Jewish. I never confessed in my life.” “Then why did you tell me?” asked the bemused and worn-out priest. “I’m telling everybody!”

• A nun, as the rabbi was leaving his room in the Catholic hospital [God knows how he got in there], asked him if he knew what happened to the picture of Jesus on the Cross that had been on the wall. He calmly told her that he had thrown it out the window. Asking, with controlled fury, why he had done that, he responded, “One suffering Jew in here was enough!”

• Three men of God were talking about how they divided the money from contribution between God and themselves. The priest said, “I draw a line, in the middle of the room, and throw the money into the air. What lands on the near side is mine; on the far side is God’s.” The minister said, “That’s almost what I do, but with my system, what lands inside the circle is God’s, and what lands outside is mine.” The rabbi said, “I throw the money into the air… and what He catches, He can keep!”

• Three friends, at the graveside of a fourth man, decided to give him some small token of friendship in commemoration. The Englishman let fly a ten dollar bill, and let it land on the man’s corpse. The Frenchman followed suit, with a twenty dollar bill. The Jew wrote a check for sixty dollars, and, as he placed it on the body, took the other thirty as change.

• Marty Kaplan, whose wife was a believer in mystical phenomena, was finally dragged to a séance, where he was told that he would be able to talk to his grandpa Zalman. He was bored by the first ‘ommm…’, but when a quivering voice came out of the crystal ball, “Marty… is that you, my eynikl?” “Yes, zayde, it’s me. Your little Marty.” They talked on and on—how happy he was in the other world! Finally, he said, “Marty, your bubbe wants me… I must leave you now… but is there any last question you want to ask?” “Zayde,” said Marty tiredly, “When did you learn English?”

• At the Pearly Gates, a Hindu, a Russian, and a Jew are admitted. They are all given instructions towards their Heaven. First, the Hindu: “Room Three.” The Russian: “Room Seven, but be quiet as you pass Room Five.” The Jew is told: “Room Eighteen, but be quiet as you pass Room Five.” “Why?” he asks. “That’s the Catholics Heaven, and they still think they’re the only ones here.”

• In Heaven, one rabbi was greatly celebrated. But he wouldn’t even show his face, he was so ashamed. Why, no-one could guess. So they brought him to God, who asked him why he was not rejoicing. The rabbi said, “Lord, my son became a Christian, and I just can’t forgive myself. Maybe I brought him up wrong…” And God says, “YOU KNOW, I HAD THE SAME PROBLEM…”

• A Jew and a Chinaman are discussing their respective groups. “China has been around for four thousand years.” “The Jews have been around for five thousand years.” “Impossible! Where did they eat for a thousand years?”

• A Jew sees a Chinaman on the street and knocks him down, crying, “That’s for Pearl Harbor!” “But that was the Japanese…” “Chinese, Japanese, Siamese… all the same!” The Chinaman promptly knocks the Jew down, crying, “That’s for the Titanic!” “But the Jews didn’t sink the Titanic…” “Goldberg, Greenburg, Iceberg…”

• How many Lubavichers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One to screw it in, and two to convince everyone else to do it.

• How many Satmarers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in, and one to denounce it as a Zionist plot.

• How many Bratzlavers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None—“We’ll never get one as good as the old bulb!”

• How many Zionists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Four. One to stay home and convince someone else to do it, one to donate the bulb, one to screw it in, and one to proclaim that the entire Jewish people stands behind their actions.

• Moishe Ginsberg is trying to get a job as salesman at Abercrombie and Fitch, and is told that there is no room for him. “Give me two weeks,” he pleads, “In any area of your store that’s losing money—any area—and I will make it start to flow gold!” Eventually, Moishe is given his chance. After two days, the general manager looks at the fishing section (that’s where he put Moishe), and sees that it has sold almost $30,000 worth of equipment in the last two days. The manager hurries over, where he hears the following sales pitch from Moishe to a customer: “These two hooks, Mr. Anderson, are the finest things we have in the store. They’re coated with a monomolecular film of chemical which attracts any fish. Just holding the rod over the water, the fish will jump for it. But use bait, so other fishermen won’t realize your advantage. You’ll take them? Good! This bait is made from the worms that we had imported from China—no
finer type. We’ll add them to your order? Yes, good idea. But to put them on the line—what type of line do you have? Nylon! That will break as soon as you get a good fish! Try these… they’ve got a thin wire inside which can hold up to a ton—you could catch a whale with this! You’ll take them? Good! Now, what sort of rod do you use? Bamboo? I simply refuse to sell you the hooks and line if you insist on a bamboo rod! Try this—made for use on the moon, by NASA, made of a new plastic—durable as steel, flexible as rubber. That too? Good! Now, Mr. Anderson, I wish you the best of luck—where do you fish again? Lake Greenwood? Yes, I know it well. But where do you go on the lake? By the shore? Only minnows come close to the shore! To get real fish, you need to go about five or six miles out. But in a rowboat, or a motor boat? No! The first is too slow, and the second too noisy. Try this boat… it works by an underwater jet, which is fast as an arrow, silent as a whisper. You’ll take that, too? Good! Sign here, Mr. Anderson, and we will deliver all of it by tomorrow.” The manager hurries up, and says excitedly, “Ginsberg! How much was that sale?” Ginsberg looks at the sales slip, and says calmly, “That came to… sixteen thousand, two hundred, and thirteen dollars.” The manager says, “Alright, you’re permanently hired! But how did you make a sale like that from two hooks?” Ginsberg replies, “Well, I saw him in the department across the way, and heard him ask for two boxes of Kotex for his wife. I called him over, and said, “Well, since you’re weekend’s ruined…”

• At a meeting in the synagogue, the rabbi finds himself outvoted eleven to one. He says, between clenched teeth, to the others, “I stand here, knowing that I am right, and if that is so, God Himself will give a sign!” Just as he says this, a bolt of lightning strikes the conference table, and the rabbi says, with a self-righteous smile, “I am right. The Lord Himself confirms it.” The president of the synagogue, with hair singed, glasses hanging askew, and clothing in disarray, replies, “Alright… eleven to two. We still have majority.”

• In a bad part of town, where there are few Jews, one lady is willing to rent out her apartment for prayer. One day, falling short of a minyan, she is forced to look out on the street for a replacement. As a likely candidate approaches, she raps on the window-pane with her nails to get attention, saying to the man, “Would you like to be the tenth man?” Recognizing the look of a house of ill repute, he responds, “Madam, I would not have wanted to be the first.”

• Rabbi Feldman had been treated to a vacation to Miami beach, paid for by his congregation, and sees, with great appreciation, that no expense was spared. He looks around, and sees, in one corner, a naked girl lying on the sofa. Furiously, he calls the president of the synagogue, crying, “Bernie! I lead my congregation onto the path of righteousness, and what do I find here? Naked flesh!” The girl, realizing the mistake, begins to get up. The rabbi, catching the motion out of the corner of his eye, covers the mouthpiece, smiles winningly at her, and says, “Now, just lie back down. I’m not shouting at you.”

• A rabbi, seriously ill, was sent the following message from his congregation: “We wish you a speedy recovery, by a vote of two hundred and thirteen to fifty-six.”

• Two elderly Jews see a sign at a Catholic church: “Conform! And get $10 free!” The first says, “You know, I might do it…” After a moment, he marches up to the church. About a half hour later, he comes out, and his friend says, “Well, did you get your ten dollars?” The new Catholic replies with disgust, “Is that all you people think about?”

• In the middle of a Broadway show, a woman from the balcony cried out, “Is there a doctor in the house?” Several men stood up. She continued, “If any of you are single, would you consider going out with a nice, well-raised Jewish girl?”

• How Exodus is explained today: The great Hebrew general, Moses, was forced into a strategic withdrawal from Egypt. The Egyptians had the weight of tanks on their side, and Moses, taking casualties, was forced to move towards the Red Sea. Calling for air cover, he hastily threw a pontoon bridge across, and managed to escape the pursuing army.

• Two Jews are looking at the stock market. Suddenly, one cries out, “Moses was an idiot!” The other, stunned at this blasphemy, asks him for his reasoning. “To lead us through the desert for forty years… into the only Middle-Eastern country without oil!”

• Mrs. Finkelstein is visiting Tibet, and she tells her tour guide that she must see the Swami. Despite the warnings that everyone throws at her, she steadfastly sets off to find the Swami. Finally, she reaches the monastery, and battles her way into the inner sanctuary. There sits the Swami, on a golden pillow, with incense burning all around him, and his eyes closed in meditation. Mrs. Finkelstein grabs him roughly by the hand, and says firmly, “All right, Murray, enough of this Swami nonsense—you’re coming back home.”

• Three men were involved in a philosophical conversation which went like this: “What would you do if your doctor said you had six months to live?” The first man, the Englishman, says, “I would like to spend my last months in the lush countryside, surrounded by the wildness that is nature.” The Frenchman says, “I would spend my months on the French Riviera, surrounded by beautiful women.” The Jew said, “I would consult another doctor.”

• Nathan Rothschild, who lived in London, was told by a cab driver, “You know, Mr. Rothschild, your daughter Julie gives bigger tips than you do.” Rothschild growled, “That’s all right for her. She has a rich father.”

• Moskowitz stopped his tour of the museum for a smoke… right under a ‘no smoking’ sign. A security guard pointed it out to him. He looked at it, and said, “It doesn’t say ‘positively’.”

• Mr. Levine met his friend Moishe Goldberg, who suffered from a pronounced stutter, who seemed gloomy. Asked why, Moishe answered, “I ap-p-plied for a j-j-job as sp-p-p-orts comment-t-t-tator, but it didn’t go well. All I did was say, ‘My name’s Moish-h-e Gold-d-d-d-dberg’, and they turned me down. God-d-d-amned anti-Semites.”

• Rosenfeld asked his son, “This Einstein I hear about, what does he do that’s so great?” The son replied, “Well, papa, one of the things he did was work out the General Theory of Relativity.” The next question is, what is that? The son answers, “Well, think of it like this. If you played an hour of pinochle with your friends, it might feel like just a few minutes, but if you got in line for a ticket for ten minutes, it might feel like it took all night.” Rosenfeld says with amazement, “An hour into a minute, a minute into a night—this is what your Einstein does for a living?”

• A Jewish comedian, known to be violently anti-Hitler, was brought to the Füehrer, and interrogated. Hitler asked furiously, “Was it you who made up the joke about me and the pig?” The Jew replied, calmly, that it was him. “And the one about my trip to Africa?” The Jew said, again, that it was him. Hitler screamed in fury, “How dare you insult the Third Reich, which is destined to last a thousand years!” The Jew said hastily, “Now, wait, that one I’m not responsible for!”

• Two men were comparing their rabbis, and their relative pieties. The first said, “Our rabbi is so pious, that when it rains, a circle around his head is dry.” The second begins, saying, “Our rabbi is even more pious. Why, he—” “Your rabbi?” cries the first. “Just last year, on Yom Kippur—Yom Kippur—I saw him eating pork!” The second man says, “But, a circle a round his head, it was the day after Yom Kippur!”

• During the days of oppression and poverty of the Russian shtetls, one village had a rumor going around: a Christian girl was found murdered near their village. Fearing a pogrom, they gathered at the synagogue. Suddenly, the rabbi came running up, and cried, “Wonderful news! The murdered girl was Jewish!”

• At Yom Kippur, the Jewish populace was shocked to hear that their rabbi had not only skipped services, but had been seen eating oysters. Tracking the rabbi down, they saw that he had a giant plate of oysters in front of him. One man cried out, “Rabbi, how could you do this? And on Yom Kippur?” The rabbi said irritably, “Yom Kippur’s got an ‘r’ in it, hasn’t it?”

• A synagogue is being held up by terrorists. They take the rabbi, the cantor, and the synagogue president hostage, and ask for any last requests. The rabbi says, “I’ve always wanted to read the entire Torah to an audience.” “How long will that take?” “Oh, maybe two days.” He is granted his request. The cantor says, “I’ve always wanted to sing the entire prayer book to an audience.” “How long will that take?” “Oh, maybe a day.” He is granted his request. The synagogue president says, “Shoot me first.”

• Hitler decides to see a fortune teller, to find out about his death. She says, “You will die on… a Jewish holiday!” Hitler asks, “But what Jewish holiday, what day will I die on?” The gypsy says, “What do I know of that? Whatever day you die will be a Jewish holiday!”

• Jones meets his old friend, Goldberg, and asks him, “How are you?” “How should I be?” “What’s wrong?” “What isn’t?” “Did you lose a profit?” “Did I get a profit?” In a fit of exasperation, Jones cries, “Why do you Jews always have to answer questions with questions?” After a pause, Goldberg replies, “Why not?”

• Rabbi Ginsberg and Father O’Brien are discussing the recent rapings of children by a priest. In the course of the argument, the priest cries out, “Silly rabbi! Dicks are for kids!”

• Mrs. Moskowitz and Mrs. Finkelstein meet after several years apart, and ask after family. Mrs. Finkelstein asks, “And how’s Rosie?” Mrs. Moskowitz beams, and says, “Oh, my Rosie! What luck! She has gone and married a real gem—a professor. He’ll let her sleep in to whatever hours, and feeds her breakfast in bed! He got her a maid so she won’t have to lift a finger, and he takes her to the opera every night. And he does the cooking himself; she has no sadness, what joy! And how’s your Joey?” A shadow passes over Mrs. Finkelstein’s face. “My Joey—poor Joey—has become a professor. But the woman he married, what a beast! She sleeps all day, and makes him bring her breakfast in bed! She made him get her a maid, she’s so lazy! She makes him take her to the opera every night! And on top of everything, she makes my Joey do all the cooking, she’s such a lazybones! Oy, what misery my Joey has!”

• Mr. Levine is dying, and all his family is around him, mourning. He whispers, “Becky, are you there?” His wife assures him that she is there, and he goes through the whole family, making sure that everyone is there. When the last person has assured his presence, Mr. Levine sits bolt upright in bed, eyes popping open, and cries wildly, “So who’s minding the store?”

• Mrs. Moskowitz is discussing her boy Harry with Mrs. Leibowitz next door. Mrs. Moskowitz says pridefully, “And every Wednesday, he goes to a psychiatrist, for three hours a session.” Mrs. Leibowitz replies, with some surprise, “Is that a good thing?” Mrs. Moskowitz says, “Of course—all he talks about is me!”

• Becky wakes her husband Jake in the middle of the night, saying, “It’s freezing, close the window.” He won’t budge, and she is put to the point of nearly throwing him out. Finally, he jumps up, slams the window shut, and cries, “Alright… Is it now warm outside?”

• Stalin is giving a speech in front of a giant crowd, in Red Square, as he stands astride Lenin’s tomb, and cries, “Comrades, I have here a historic document. It is a cablegram, of congratulations—from Trotsky! It reads, ‘JOSEPH STALIN. KREMLIN. MOSCOW. YOU WERE RIGHT AND I WAS WRONG. YOU ARE THE TRUE HEIR OF LENIN. I SHOULD APOLOGIZE.’” In the midst of shouting, one man, a little tailor in the first row, cries up to Stalin, “Comrade Stalin! I think you need to read it with more feeling!” The masses are astonished, and Stalin says to the crowd, “This man, a simple worker, thinks I can’t read it with enough feeling! Come, friend! Read it as you think it should be read!” The little tailor gets up, and joins Stalin on the podium. He takes the telegram, and reads off, “Here’s how it should be read: ‘JOSEPH STALIN. KREMLIN. MOSCOW.’” He takes a moment to clear his throat, and then sings out, ‘YOU
WERE RIGHT AND I WAS WRONG? YOU ARE THE TRUE HEIR OF LENIN? I SHOULD APOLOGIZE?!’”

• In the mid-nineteenth century, a certain rabbi was renowned for telling maisses, stories which are topical or central to a current discussion. One disciple asks him, “Rabbi, how do you have so many stories which are appropriate to the moment?” The rabbi replies, “Let me explain with a story. One day, a certain landowner was riding through a town, and happened to see a fence, which had several targets painted on it. Each target had a neat bullethole through the exact center. The landowner asks around, to find out who had shot the bullets at the fence. The sharpshooter turned out to be the little village tailor. The landowner asked him, ‘How did you shoot the bullets straight through each target?’ The tailor replied, ‘I shot a bunch of holes in the fence, and then painted targets around each hole.’ So,” the rabbi says, “My system is this: I have a fund of stories at my call, and I wait for a topic to arise wherein I can use them.”

• It is said that when you tell an Englishman a joke, he laughs three times: once, when you tell it, to be polite, second, when you explain it, to be polite, and a third time, at eleven-thirty that night, when he understands it. When you tell a German a joke, he laughs twice: once, when you tell it, to be polite, and the second time, when you explain it, to be polite—he never gets it. When you tell a joke to an American, he laughs once: when you tell it—he gets it immediately. When you tell a joke to a Jew, he never laughs—he won’t even let you finish telling it. Why not? Because “It’s an old joke; I’ve heard it before (and told better)… Here, let me tell it, the way it’s supposed to be told.”

• A Jew says to an Italian, “Listen, I’ve got a great Italian joke, but I want your permission before I tell it.” The Italian says, “First, listen to this one: ‘What is it which is black, blue, and floats down a river?’” After a pause, he gives the answer, “A Jew who tells Italian jokes.”

• In Communist Russia, an officer notices a man reading odd symbols, and asks what they are. The man replies, “Well, I’m Jewish, and this is Hebrew—it’s the language of Heaven.” The officer smirks, and says, “What if you don’t go to Heaven?” The Jew replies, “I already know Russian.”

• A priest and a rabbi get in a car crash, and both get out to apologize. The rabbi says, “It’s obvious that God wanted us to meet, and we should toast this occasion with a drink—” He pulls out a bottle, and explains, “It miraculously survived the crash.” The priest takes a big drink, and hands it back to the rabbi, who promptly corks it. The priest asks in surprise, “Aren’t you going to have any?” “Not until after the cops come!”

• Mrs. Bloom is having her portrait done, and specifies that earrings, necklace, and other jewelry, is painted on. The artist points out that she doesn’t have any of these. She replies, “It’s in case I die before my husband. I’m sure he’d remarry, and I want the new girl to go crazy looking for the jewels!”

• An old lady is very scared of flying, and is unconvinced by her son-in-law’s advice that only one plane in five hundred thousand even have a bomb attempted to get on. She asks, “What’s the chance of there being two bombs on one flight?” He assures her that it would be impossible. Now, she’ll fly anywhere… as long as she’s got her bomb with her.

• A man is on the way to the hospital; his wife is giving birth. He gets stuck in traffic, and he is an hour late. Rushing in, he asks the doctor what happened. The doctor replies, “Well, because you were late, we had to let your brother name the children.” The man cries out, “My brother! That idiot? What’d he name the—wait, children?” “Yes, your wife had twins; a boy and a girl.” “Well, what’d he name them?” “He named the girl Denise.” “Denise… hmmm, that’s not bad. Maybe I was wrong. What’d he name the boy?” “Denephew.”

Well, that's all for now. If you enjoyed them, or you've got questions (I'm planning to add a list of Yiddish words at the bottom of the site, with explanations), please tell me. Feel free to add your own.
The above jokes are being converted to UNIX fortune format at the Fortunes page.
[edit]
Other jokes
• A woman running along the beach cries out: “Help, help! My son the doctor is drowning!”

• Abraham overheard, “So we are your chosen people, and you want us to cut off the tip of our what?”

• Two brothers are travelling to the next shtetl to attend their (arranged) marriages. During the ride, the first one gets cold feet and jumps from the carriage. The second brother arrives to find two prospective mothers-in-law, who immediately engage in a violent argument, each demanding that the boy marry her daughter. Finally, the rabbi steps in, listens to the women's complaints and announces his judgement: “Let the boy be cut in half, and each woman take one half back to their daughter!” The first woman happily agrees. The second is shocked, and tells the rabbi to let the boy go home with the first woman. The rabbi smiles and proclaims, “The boy is to go with the first woman. She is the true mother-in-law.”

• A group of French scientists discovered bits of copper a hundred meters underground. They announced that the ancient French had an extensive telephone network. Not to be outdone, the Russian scientists began digging. They discovered bits of glass two hundred meters underground and announced that the ancient Russians used a fiber optic network. Israeli scientists heard about this and began digging—one hundred, two hundred, three hundred meters—but found nothing. The Israeli scientists proudly announced that the ancient Israelites used cell phones.
Mini
Q: How do you get 4 gorillas into a Mini Cooper?
A: 2 in the front seat and 2 in the back seat.
Q: How do you get 4 elephants into a Mini Cooper?
A: Take out the four gorillas first.
Q: How do you get two whales in a mini?
A: Over the Severn bridge.
[edit]
Elephant Jokes
Q: How do you know if you have an elephant in your fridge?
A: Footprints in the butter.
Q: How do you know there's an elephant in your bed?
A: By the ‘E’ on its pyjamas.
Q: How do you know there's an elephant under your bed?
A: Your nose touches the ceiling.
Q: How does an elephant get up a tree?
A1: Sits on an acorn and waits for it to grow. A2: With a ladder.
Q: How does an elephant get down from a tree?
A1: With difficulty. A2: Sits on a leaf and waits ‘til autumn.
Q: How do you get down from an elephant?
A: You don’t. You get down from a duck.
Q: How does an elephant hide in a cherry tree?
A: He paints his toenails red.
Q: Have you ever seen an elephant in a cherry tree?
A: No. It shows it works.
Q: Why are there so many accidents in orchards in autumn?
A: The elephants come down with the leaves.
Q. What time is it when an elephant sits on your fence?
A. Time to get a new fence.
Q: Why are elephants big, grey and wrinkly?
A: Because if they were small, white and smooth they'd be mint imperials.
[edit]
Gorilla Jokes
Q. What do you call a gorilla with two bananas stuck in its ears?
A. Anything you like (it can't hear you).
Q. What do you call a gorilla without bananas in its ears?
A. Sir.
Q. Where does an 800 pound gorilla sleep?
A. Anywhere it wants to.
Q: What do you do to an 800 pound gorilla that's in your yard?
A: Nothing, or it will get mad.
Q: What do you do when an 800 pound gorilla is in your refrigerator?
A: Nothing, let him eat.
Q: What do you do when an 800 pound gorilla is sleeping in your bed?
A: Go to the psychiatrist, you've been seeing WAY too many 800 pound gorillas!

[edit]
Knock-Knock Jokes
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Amos.
Amos who?
A mosquito.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ann.
Ann who?
Another mosquito.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ammonia.
Ammonia who?
Ammonia little boy and I can't reach the doorbell.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Dishwasher.
Dishwasher who?
Dishwasher way I used to speak before I got my false teeth.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?
That's right.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go moo!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Boo!
Boo who?
No need to cry, it's only a joke.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Me.
Me who? I didn't know you did cat impressions.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I didn't know you could yodel.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lemon.
Lemon who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lemon.
Lemon who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Lemon.
Lemon who?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I got rid of all those lemons?
Knock Knock
Who's there?
The interrupting sheep.
The interrupting shee…
Bah!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
The polite interrupting sheep.
The polite interrup…
Bah! Sorry.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
The interrupting sheep with an identity crisis.
The interrupting shee…
Moo!
[edit]
Crossing the road Jokes
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?
A. To get to the other side.
Q. Why did the cow cross the road?
A. To get to the other side.
Q. Why did the horse cross the road?
A. To get to the other side.
Q. Why did the donkey cross the road?
A. To get to the other side.
Q. Why did the pig cross the road?
A. To get to the other side.
Q. Why did the farmer cross the road?
A. To get all his animals back!
Q. Why did the chicken cross the road a thousand times?
A. His braces were stuck to the lamppost.
Q. Why did the one-armed man cross the road?
A. To get to the second-hand shop.
Q. Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A. Because chickens hadn't been invented yet.
Q. Why did the elephant cross the road?
A. It was the chicken's day off.
Q. Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
A. To see his flatmate.
Q. What did the biscuit say when it got run over?
A. Oh crumbs!
Q: Why did the rooster cross the road?
A: To show he wasn't chicken
Q. Why did the turtle cross the road?
A. To get to the shell station.
[edit]
Puns
Q. What do you call 12 rabbits hopping backwards in a line?
A. A receding hare line.
Q. Why didn't the skeleton go to the dance?
A. Because he had nobody to go with!
Q. Why didn't the skeleton go on the roller-coaster?
A. Because he didn't have the guts to do it!
Q. How do you find how heavy a whale is?
A. Take it to a Whale Weigh Station.
Q. What do you get when you cross a canary with a fan?
A. Shredded Tweet.
Q. What did one banana say to the other banana?
A. Let's peel out…
Q. What's black and white and red/read all over?
A. A newspaper.
Q. What's black and white and red all over?
A. An embarrassed zebra. A. A sunburnt penguin.
Q: Where does a king keep his armies?
A: Up his sleevies
Q: Where was King Solomon's Temple?
A: On the side of his head.
Q: What is the most painful type of cheese?
A: Ouchies.
Q: What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
A: Nacho cheese.
[edit]
Animals
Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep?
A: A wooly jumper.
Q: What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
A: Great big holes all over Australia.
Q. What do you call a three legged donkey?
A. Wonky.
Q: What do you call a fly with no wings?
A: A walk.
Q: What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A: A cloud.
Q: Where would you find a dog with no legs?
A: Where you left it.
Q. What kind of fish has two knees?
A. Two-knee fish.
Q. Why are fish so good at music?
A. Because of all the scales.
Q: Why does a snail always end up squished?
A: Because he has a house on top of him.
[edit]
General
Q. Why was the mathmetician so worried?
A. Because he had so many problems!
Q. What did the zero say to the eight?
A. Nice belt!
Q. What's green and flies?
A. Super Pickle!
Q. What's green and walks through walls?
A. Casper the friendly Pickle.
Q. Where do you crown a king?
A. Anywhere on his head.
Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: Meet you at the corner.
Q. What did the man say when a dinosaur walked past him?
A. Look! A dinosaur!
Q. What did the man say when a dinosaur walked past in sunglasses?
A. Nothing. He didn't recognise him.
Q: What did the big chimney say to the little chimney?
A: You're too young to smoke.
[edit]
Doctor Jokes
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a bridge …..
Doctor: Oh really what came over you ?
Patient: Two cars and a lorry.
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a pair of curtains …..
Doctor: Pull yourself together, man.
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a teepee and a wigwam….
Doctor: Ah, I know the problem. You're two tents.
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I feel like nobody pays attention to me…
Doctor: Next!
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I feel like a lightswitch.
Doctor: Does this happen often?
Patient: On and off.
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I think I'm a dog.
Doctor: Well, sit down and we'll discuss it.
Patient: But I'm not allowed on the furniture.
Patient: Doctor, Doctor, My wife thinks she's a chicken.
Doctor: My goodness! How long has this been going on?
Patient: 3 weeks.
Doctor: Well, why didn't you come to see me sooner?
Patient: We needed the eggs….
Nurse: Doctor, the invisible man's waiting.
Doctor: Tell him I can't see him today.
Patient: Doctor Doctor, I think I am a fruit cake!
Doctor: What's gotten into you?
Patient: Oh, you know, nuts, fruit, the usual.
[edit]
Riddles
Q: What's got one wheel, two legs, hums, and flies around?
A: A wheelbarrow full of manure.
Q: What gets wetter the more it dries?
A: A towel.
Q: What has a head and a tail, but no body?
A: A coin.
Q: What has teeth, but no mouth?
A: A comb or a saw.
Q: What's always running, but doesn't move?
A: A river.
Q: What goes up the chimney down, but can't go down the chimney up?
A: An umbrella.
Q: What gets bigger the more you take away?
A: A hole.
Q: When is a door not a door?
A: When it's ajar.
Q:What's the only key that has 2 legs and can't open doors?
A: a turKEY / a monKEY.
Q: What has four legs, but only one foot. A head, but no neck?
A: A bed.
Q: What's white on the outside, yellow on the inside, and travels at 100 miles per hour?
A: A train driver's egg sandwich.
Wordplay
A man, picked up drunk past curfew, was told by the judge, “You have been brought here for drinking.” The man smiled, and said, “All right, let's get started!”

A man was asked by the judge, “Have you ever been sentenced to a stay in prison?” The man said, with trembling emotion in his voice, “Never…” The judge said, “Well, then… you will be now.”

A psychotherapist, in a new office on a main street, had his profession painted in big letters on his door. All morning he waited for a customer, but no one came in. wondering what the problem might be, he looked at the sign. Due to a shortage of space, it read: PSYCHO THE RAPIST

A psychiatrist and a proctologist are sharing an office. The sign on the door reads, “THE DEPARTMENT OF ODDS AND ENDS.”

A man noticed that his family heirloom, a German clock, which should have gone ‘Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock…’ Now, it only went ‘Tick, tick, tick…’ The man took it back to the German company which had made the clock. The clockmaker, after staring at the clock for a while, picked up a pair of pliers, and said, “Vell, ve haf vays uv making you tock.”

Noah Webster was once caught by his wife, in the act of kissing the maid. She said in awful tones, “Webster, I am surprised.” Webster, coming up for air, said, “No, my dear. I am surprised. You are merely astonished.”

An online translator took the phrase ‘Out of sight, out of mind’ in English, translated it into Russian, and took it back to English. The reply was ‘Invisible insanity.’

In 1843, Sir Charles Napier was winning victory after victory in the region of Sind (Which is now part of Pakistan). To save money on a telegram to England, he sent one word: ‘Peccavi.’ Note: ‘Peccavi’ is Latin for ‘I have sinned.’

Mark Twain once sat through a long and fiery sermon, which the preacher seemed obviously proud. When the preacher asked his opinion, Mark replied, “Well, Reverend Carter, it was a real ripsnorter, but I've got a book at home with every word of it in it.” The preacher said indignantly, “Quite impossible. I should like to see that book, if it exists.” Mark replied that he would gladly send it, first thing in the morning. A week later, the preacher got a package. Inside was an unabridged dictionary.

An escaped lunatic rapes a nurse and then runs away. The headline reads, “NUT SCREWS, THEN BOLTS!”

A professor in linguistics was lecturing to a class on double negatives. “In English, a double negative makes a positive; in Russian, a double negative is still negative. But, as a side note, I should mention that there is no time, in any language, where a double positive makes a negative.” A voice in the back says, “Yeah, right.”

A number of years ago, The Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton Ehrichs. At this point you must understand two things – # 1 - There's a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single note for page after page. And # 2 - There used to be a tavern called Moe's 400 right across the street from the Seattle Opera house, rather favored by local musicians. It had been decided that during this performance, after the bass players had played their parts in the opening of the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their instruments and leave the stage rather than sit on their stools looking & feeling dumb for 20 minutes. Well, once they got back stage, someone suggested that they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. After they had downed the first couple rounds, one musician said, “Shouldn't we be getting back? It would be awfully embarrassing if we were late.” Another presumable the one who suggested this excursion in the first place, replied, “Oh, I anticipated we could use a little more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of the conductor's score. When he gets down there, Milton is going to have to slow the tempo way down while he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the string with the other.” So the group had another round and finally returned to the Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told them they were is serious trouble. Ehrichs was furious! And why not? After all… It was the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the basses were loaded.

An Indian chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant. The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated he built her a teepee made of deer hide. A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide. The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details of the birth a secret. Instead, he simply built a two story teepee, made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred. Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys. “Correct,” said the chief. “How did you figure it out?” The warrior answered, “It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides. ”
[edit]
Shaggy Dog/Animal Jokes
[edit]
Shaggy Dog (Long Story)
Ray is stopped on the highway, and told by the officer that he got a safe driving award, and is asked what he'll use it for. “Maybe to get that driver's license I've wanted to get.” Jane, in the passenger seat says, “Don't listen to him, officer—he's a real idiot when he's drunk and stoned.” Jim, in the back seat, says with a sigh, “I told you we wouldn't get away in a stolen car!” As the officer is taking all this in, a voice from the trunk calls, “Are we over the border yet?”

A man, sentenced to death before the king, pleaded for his life, and was granted the chance of three trials, in three tents on the palace lawn. First, to drink a bottle of the king's malt beer, and to come out, vertical, in sixty seconds. Then, to take out the tooth of the palace tiger, who had a toothache. Finally, the princess, who had never been satisfied with any man, was to be seduced by him. After fifty-eight seconds, he came out, acutely, and was prodded into the second tent. After a long series of screams and roars, all was quiet. Then, to everyone's surprise, the man came out. He said, “Thank God that's over! Now, where'sh thet dame with the toothache?”

A traffic cop said to an apparently drunken driver, “Breathe into this breathalyzer tube, will you?” But the man says, “I can't do that, officer.” “Why not?” “You see, I'm asthmatic, and if I did that, I'd get a bad asthma attack.” “Alright, then I could get a blood sample down at the station.” “Can't do that, officer.” “Why not?” “I'm hemophiliac, and if I did that, I'd bleed to death.” “Fine, then I need a urine sample.” “Sorry, officer, I can't do that.” “Why not?” “I'm diabetic. If I did that, I'd get really low blood sugar.” “Okay, then I need you to step out of your car and walk along this white line.” “I can't do that officer.” “Why not?” “Because I'm drunk.”

At a bar, a small man was staring gloomily at his drink, when a larger man came up and drank it. “What are you going to do about that, little guy?” the second man chuckles. “I don't know,” sighs the little man. “I woke up late this morning, found my car had been towed, got to work, found I'd been fired, got home, found my windows were smashed, my house had been robbed, and my wife was in bed with the gardener, saw on the TV that my son was arrested for murder—thought about ending my life… and now, you drank my poison.”

In New York, a man is caught, and searched for cash. He fights like a tiger, and the muggers are astonished to find only $4.37 in his back pocket. One mugger says with incredulity, “You fought like that for $4.37?” The man replies, “Oh, that's all you wanted? I thought you were after the $500 in my shoe.”

Four men are brought before the judge on the charge of vagrancy, but insist that they do have jobs. The first man says, “I'm a cork-slider.” The judge asks what that might be. “I make sure that corks in wine bottles are able to slide in tightly.” The judge passes on. The second says, “I work with him, as a cork-seeker.” “A what?” asks the judge with heightened incredulity. “I look for corks to use in bottles.” The judge, nerves frayed, moves on to the next man, who proclaims himself the cork-carrier, and that he is the one who carries the corks to the factory. Much red in the face, the judge turns to the last man, who says proudly, “Your Honor, I'm the real thing.”

A story which does not appear in Sir Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes legacy is the following. During a camping trip in the Americas, as Holmes and Watson were sleeping, Holmes nudged Watson awake, and said, “Watson, what can you tell me from looking up?” Watson replied with a heavy air of thought, as he recalled Holmes's tactics of deduction, “Well, Holmes, astronomically, I can see that Scorpio is rising tonight. Tautologically, I can see that it will be a dry day tomorrow, with a red morning sky. Olfactoriolly, I can feel that morning dew is approaching.” He sat back contentedly. Holmes shouted into Watson's ear, “Watson, you goddamned idiot! Someone's stolen our tent!”

Mr. Jones's car gets a punctured wheel outside a mental institution, and he gets out to fix it. He takes the bolts out, and… clink! Lost, scattered on the pavement. He is fuming with anger, now. Just then, he hears a voice calling to him, and realizes it's an inmate. The inmate calls, “Hey buddy! Why don't you put one bolt from each of the other wheels on, so you can drive at least to the next gas station.” Jones follows the advice, thanks the man, and says, nervously, “Uh, sir? I just want to know, you seem pretty stable to me. Why did they put you…” “In here?” scoffs the inmate. “Just because I'm crazy doesn't mean I'm stupid!”
[edit]
Shaggy Dog (Animals)
David gets a parrot for his birthday, but is upset to find that it has a dirty mouth, and keeps on repeating nasty words at everyone who comes in. Finally, in exasperation, he shoves the bird into the freezer. It cries out for a while, and then stops. Afraid that he might have hurt it, he opens the freezer. Quietly, the bird steps out onto his finger, and says, “I am terribly sorry for any trouble I caused, and don't wish to offend you any further. But, if you would permit me… What did the chicken do?”

A man stumbles into a bar, distraught. Sitting down heavily, he asks the bartender how big a penguin gets. The bartender, after demonstrating watches the man take a long, moody sip from his glass. Asking him what's wrong, the man says morosely, “I think I just hit a nun!”

What'd the doe say as she came out of the forest? I'm never gonna do that again for two bucks!

A man came home from work to find his dog with the neighbor's pet rabbit, dead in its mouth. Frightened of what the neighbor might think, he quickly gave it a bath, and shoved it back into its crate in the yard. The next day, he was talking to his neighbor over the fence, and the neighbor said, “You wouldn't believe what happened! My rabbit had died, and I buried it, but someone dug it up, gave it a bath, and propped it up in the crate. How sick some people can get!”

A rabbit escapes from the testing lab, and spends a day frolicking in its natural habitat. The other rabbits invite it to stay, but it says, “I'd love to, but first I gotta get back to the lab. I'm dying for a cigarette!”
[edit]
Short Jokes
[edit]
One-Liners
What's the difference between a drunk and an alcoholic? Alcoholics go to meetings.

Michael Jackson's dream job: Santa Claus at Macy's.

Organic farming is a lot of shit.

Worry is the first time you find you can't do it the second time; panic is the second time you find you can't do it the first time.
[edit]
Lightbulb Jokes
How many Vietnam veterans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? “You don't know! You weren't there!”

How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Answer A: “None of your damn business!” Answer B: Five. One to change the bulb and four to protect him from muggers.

How many psychiatrists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Only one, but the bulb has really got to want to change.

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a schoolgirl? You can unscrew a lightbulb.

How many lawyers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? How many can you afford?

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. The bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

How many Roman Catholics does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to do the screwing and the other to hear the confession.

How many straight San Franciscans does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Both of them.

How many LA cops does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Eight. One to screw it in and seven to smash the old one to pieces.

How many Virginia politicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One to change the bulb and two to reminisce about how great the old bulb was.

How many Jewish mothers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? It's okay. I'll just sit here, alone in the dark.

How many pessimists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. The first bulb's probably in too tight, anyway.
How many absurdists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? To get to the other side.
How many dadaists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in, and one to fill a giraffe with whipped cream.
How many movie directors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but he has to do it seven times.

How many advertising executives does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, because “It's getting brighter! It's definitely getting brighter!”

How many fishermen does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, but you should have seen the bulb. It was that big.

How many Russians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? That's a military secret.

How many divorced men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Who knows? They never get to keep the house!

How many doctors does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Depends on whether it's got health insurance.

How many real men does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None. Real men aren't afraid of the dark!

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? That's not funny!

How many medical students does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Five. One to screw it in and four to jerk the ladder out from under him.

How many New Jersey residents does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One to screw it in, one to be a witness, and one to shoot the witness.

How many Christian Scientists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? One, to sit in the dark and pray for it to go back on.

How many Zen Masters does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb, and one not to screw in the bulb.

How many Lubavichers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Three. One to screw it in, and two to convince everyone else to do it.

How many Satmarers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw it in, and one to denounce it as a Zionist plot.

How many Bratzlavers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None: “We'll never get one as good as the old bulb!”

How many Zionists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Four. One to stay home and convince someone else to do it, one to donate the bulb, one to screw it in, and one to proclaim that the entire Jewish people stands behind their actions.
[edit]
Sayings and Quotes
An Arab saying: “If you see a blind man, kick him. Should you be kinder then God?”

A debate between Saddam Hussein and George Bush would be the battle of the Butcher of Baghdad vs. the Butcher of the English Language. - Jay Leno

Guns don't kill people - husbands who come home early kill people. – Don Rose

They show you how detergents can remove blood stains - pretty violent image. I think, if you've got a t-shirt soaked in blood, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should remove the harpoon from your chest before you do the wash. - Jerry Seinfeld

Look, here's a picture of John Kerry windsurfing. I mean, even his hobby depends on which direction the wind's blowing in! - Jay Leno

You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake - Bob Hope
[edit]
Short Jokes
Two old men are talking. The first says with satisfaction, “Hmm… I suppose the Reaper's forgotten all about us by now.” The other quickly looks to either side, and says, “Shhh!”

Why don't the Mexicans have any good Olympic champions? Because everyone who can run, jump, and swim is already in America!

Miss Smith had finally read Shakespeare's Hamlet, and said, “I don't see why people make such a fuss over it—it's just a bunch of quotations strung together.”
[edit]
History

George IV of England hated his wife with an intense heat as to make stones tremble. There was a prolonged divorce, which was all the news of the day. When Napoleon died at St. Helena in 1821, the news was brought to the King. The messenger said, “Sir, your greatest enemy is dead.” He replied, “Oh, is she?”

Winston Churchill was very stout in later life. One woman, patting his stomach, said, “Winnie, if this were on a woman, we'd know what to think.” He replied suavely, “Half an hour ago, it was on a woman. Now, what do you think?”

Churchill was confronted by a group of society ladies, who told him that he took in too much alcohol. One drew an imaginary line about four and a half feet above the floor, claiming that this represented his entire alcohol consumption. Churchill looked sadly from the line to the ceiling, and sighed, “So much left to do…”

George Bernard Shaw once sent the following correspondence to Winston Churchill: “Winston, enclosed are two tickets to the opening night of my new play. Bring a friend… If you have one.” Churchill sent back: “Shaw, I regret to inform you of this, but I am busy that night. I'll come for the second performance… If there is one.”

Diogenes was one of the great misanthropes of history. He lived humbly, eschewing almost all human luxuries. Once, he was approached during his meal of raw beans, and told by Aristippus of Cyrene (who served in the comfortable position of the court of Dionysius, King of Syracuse), “Poor Diogenes—if you could only learn to flatter Dionysius, you wouldn't have to eat raw beans.” Diogenes replied, “Poor Aristippus—if you could only learn to eat raw beans, you wouldn't have to flatter Dionysius.”

After many tests, Einstein's Theory of Relativity was proved to be right. When he was asked what he would think if he had been proven wrong, Einstein replied, “I would pity the Lord God, for trying to work without it. For the theory is correct.”

In the fifth century B.C, the Athenian equivalent of the IRS warned an island which did not pay taxes that they were backed up by an important god, called Force. The islanders replied that they had a greater god on their side, who would keep them from paying. He was called Destitution.

A story about the Greek philosopher Socrates concerns a day where he went into the market, and someone asked him why he kept turning in apparent amazement. Socrates said, “I am stunned at the variety of things which I don't need and can do without.”

A young woman went up to President Calvin Coolidge, and said, “Mr. President, I have a bet with a friend that I could get you to say more than two words to me.” Coolidge, without batting an eye, said, “You lose.”

Nathan Rothschild, who lived in London, was told by a cab driver, “You know, Mr. Rothschild, your daughter Julie gives bigger tips than you do.” Rothschild growled, “That's all right for her. She has a rich father.”

The late entertainer Al Jolson was said to be a hard man to handle. A young director was once trying to get a piece of work altered, when he raged, “Listen, kid, I've got a million dollars. What have you got?” The director answered quietly, “Friends.”

Lady Astor once said to Winston Churchill with disgust, “Winston, you're drunk!” Churchill replied, “Nancy, you're ugly. But tomorrow, I'll be sober.”

Lady Astor also said to Churchill, “Winston, if you were my husband, I'd poison your coffee.” Churchill replied suavely, “Nancy, if you were my wife, I'd drink it.”

A man once said scathingly to John Wilkes, “I predict you will die either of some loathsome disease or on the gallows.” Wilkes replied calmly, “That depends on which I embrace: your mistress or your principles.”

G. K. Chesterton, author of the Father Brown mysteries, once met George Bernard Shaw coming up the stairs. Looking at Shaw's beanpole figure, Chesterton said with amusement, “Shaw, to look at you, you'd think there was a famine in England.” Shaw, glancing at Chesterton's ample girth, replied, “And to look at you, you'd know what caused it.”

At the end of one of George Bernard Shaw's plays, he came out onto the stage to greet the applause. At a pause in the clapping, one voice cried, “Shaw, this play stinks!” The applause stopped, and Shaw said to the attacker, "Frankly, I agree. But what are we two against [with a sweeping indication of the audience] the vast majority?“ The applause returned, louder than before.

In the early days of our country, Washington D.C. was merely a village of wooden huts and muddy streets. In fact, planks were needed to walk around. Two Congressmen once met face-to-face on a narrow plank; John Randolph and Henry Clay. One needed to step off into the mud. Randolph said bitingly, ”I never turn out for scoundrels.“ Clay replied, ”I always do,“ and with that, he stepped into the mud.

Dorothy Parker and a showgirl were both attending the same party, and were both trying to get in the door. The girl said, stepping back, ”Age before beauty.“ Sweeping in, Dorothy replied, ”Not at all. Pearls before swine!"
[edit]
Relationship Jokes
[edit]
Marriage

What do you tell a girl with two black eyes? Nuthin' - I already dun told her twice.

Sarah, not the brightest woman, gave her grounds for divorce as being that ‘I suspect Stanley is not the father of our youngest child.’

A man, calling home from work, is answered by a strange voice. Asking who it is, he discovers that it is the maid. “We don't have a maid…” “I was hired this morning.” “Odd for my wife not to consult me… but where is my wife?” “Up in bed with the man I thought was her husband.” The man tells the maid where to find his revolver, in the desk, and to go up and kill them. Two bangs later, she asks him, “What should I do with the bodies?” “Throw them in the swimming pool.” “But there isn't a swimming pool.” After a pause the man says, “This is 439-0217, right?”

A man finds a burglar in his house, and calls the police. But when they ask him whether he wants to have the thief tried, he replied, “No, but I have one question for him. How did you get into my house without waking my wife? I've been trying to do that for years!”

A woman called her husband at work. He said, “What is it? I've got a lot to do.” She said, “Well, I've got some good news and some bad news.” He said, “Alright, honey. I'm in a real rush, so just tell me the good news.” She replies, “Well, the airbag works…”

Wife: The big clock fell off the wall this morning. A moment sooner, and it would've killed mother! Husband: That's it, the clock's going to get trashed. I always knew it was slow!“

What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.

Johnson had spent a moment on the old weighing machine. His wife grabbed the card from his hand, and read it out loud, ”'You are handsome, successful, and highly attractive to women.'“ Turning it over, she continued reading, ”And they've got your weight wrong too."

Girls are evil. Girls=money*time. Since time is money, girls=money². Since money is the root of all evil, girls=vmoney=evil.
[edit]
Family
A man is pushing a baby, who keeps screaming, and is constantly saying in a calm, soothing voice, “Don't cry, George. Keep calm, George. It'll be alright, George.” A woman, hearing this, says, “You do a fine job of calming your son George!” The man replies, “I'm George!”
[edit]
Professional Jokes
[edit]
Actors
When a performance of Hamlet was going downhill, and there seemed to be no saving grace, the lead actor came to the front of the stage, and said to the audience, “Don't blame us—we didn't write this shit!”
[edit]
Agents/Critics

The son of an agent once said to his father, “Pop, can I have a dollar?” The agent's eyes narrowed, and he said, “What do you need ninety cents for?”

A critic is like a eunuch in a harem. He sees what is done; he knows why it is done; but he can't do it himself.
[edit]
Army
A private, lounging outside the PX on a dark night, saw another soldier approaching. He said casually, “Hey, bud… Got a light?” In the light of the match, the private saw the single star of a brigadier general. Stiffening to attention, he said, “I beg your pardon, sir.” The general said wearily, “At ease, soldier. Be glad I'm not a second lieutenant.”

A condemned spy remarked, as the firing squad marched him out to the wall through a dreary rain, “What beasts you all are to march me out on a day like this.” One of the squad replied, “We have it worse—we've got to march back.”

A sergeant is told that one man in his platoon, Private Jones, his mother has just died. He resolves to be tactful about this, so he bellows to the platoon, “All men with mothers still alive, one pace forward—not so fast, Jones!”
[edit]
Artists
An artist is approached with a gigantic proposition: to illustrate General Custer's last words. The picture will be hung in the National Art Gallery, and will be paid for with $500,000. The artist agrees, works on the painting for four months, and announces that it is ready. At the day of the unveiling, the curtain is drawn back to reveal… a cow, with a halo over its head, surrounded by Native Americans, copulating in every position imaginable. The Head of the Museum cries in fury and consternation, “What the hell is this?” The artist replies, “Well, I illustrated Custer's last words: ‘Holy cow, look at all the fucking Indians!’”

Woman at art gallery, commenting on painting of blue with orange swirls, and black, with lime green stripes (talking to artist): I don't understand your art. Artist: I paint what I feel inside me. Woman: Have you tried Alka-Seltzer?
[edit]
Dentists
In the dentist's apartment, Mr. Jones had an odd request from the dentist, who asked that he scream at the top of his lungs. Asking why, the dentist replied, “There are only two more people out there, and I want to catch today's game on the radio.”
[edit]
Doctors
James Mitchell asks the doctor, “In plain English, none of your Latin junk: what's wrong with me?” The doctor replies, “Well, to be honest—you're just plain lazy.” “Alright, now give me the medical name, so I can tell my wife.”

The doctor checked the ward with the new nurse. On seeing the first patient, he exclaimed, “Nurse, this patient is half dead! Did you give him his two pills at nine?” The nurse checked her sheet. “Oops… I gave him nine pills at two.” They move on to the next patient, and the doctor exclaims, “Nurse, this patient is obviously in grave condition! Didn't you remember to give him 4 milligrams at 10 o'clock?” The nurse consults her sheet. “Oops… I gave him ten milligrams at 4 o'clock.” They reach the third patient, and the doctor cries out, “Nurse, look at this man's face! He's dead, and seems to have been in the most horrible pain! Didn't you prick his boil?” The nurse looks at her sheet. “Oops…”
[edit]
Lawyers

In the West, a Texas Ranger had tracked down the Mexican bandit in a bar. He asked him, with a gun to his head, where the money from the Old West Bank is hidden. Unfortunately, the former can't speak Spanish, or the latter English. Luckily, there is a bilingual lawyer who is willing to act as interpreter. The bandit says desperately, “The money is under the tree in the back of the bar!” The lawyer translates for the Ranger, “He says, ‘You wouldn’t dare shoot me, gringo!”

If a lawyer and a taxman were drowning, would you read the paper or have a coffee?

A lawyer, seriously injured in a car crash, is pulled from the wreckage. Half-conscious, he murmurs, “What happened?” The policeman tells him that he was in a car crash. The lawyer jerks upright, and starts wailing, “My Mercedes! Look at my Mercedes!” The policeman points out that his left arm was torn off in the crash, and the lawyer starts screaming, “My Rolex! Where's my Rolex?”

In school, the children are asked what their parents do, and Jimmy replies, “My daddy plays the piano in a whorehouse!” The horrified teacher calls Jimmy's father, informs him of the matter, and is told, “Oh, well, I'm a lawyer—but how do you explain that to a kid?”

Four men: the priest, the doctor, the lawyer, and the manager of the golf club, are playing a round of golf. The foursome ahead of them is going very slowly, and the first three ask if the manager can ask them to hurry up. He explains that they are blind firefighters, who lost their sight trying to save the clubhouse, so they're allowed to play for free. The priest says, “How sad… I will say a special prayer for them tonight.” The doctor says, “I'll check my books to see if I can help them.” The lawyer says, “Why can't those guys play at night?”

A lawyer, on a hunting trip in the South, manages to shoot a duck. He follows the bird to the ground, and finds himself in a farmer's backyard. The farmer has picked up the duck, and is going back into his house. The lawyer calls him over, and demands the duck. The farmer claims that since it was on his land, it is his duck. The lawyer shouts, “Listen, you old coot, I'm a big attorney, and I'll raise Hell for you unless I get that duck!” The farmer looks at him for a moment, then says, “Well, son, here's what we'll do. There's an old custom down here, about property issues. It's called the ‘Three Kicks Rule’. I kick you three times, then you kick me three times, and whichever of us gives up, the other gets the property.” The lawyer agrees, and braces himself. The old man gives him first a kick in the shins which drives the lawyer to his knees. The next kick gets him in the gut, rolling him onto his back. And the old man finishes with a solid smash in between the lawyer's legs. For a full minute and a half, the lawyer lies there, panting. Then, he manages to jump to his feet, and cries out, “Alright, old man, now I'm gonna get you!” But the farmer says, with a smile, “I give up. You keep the duck. I just always wanted to do that to a lawyer!”

A Lawyer Rewrites the 23rd Psalm: The Lord and I are in a shepherd-sheep relationship, and I am in a position of negative need. He prostrates me in a green-belt grazing area, and conducts me into lateral proximity with a non-torrential aqueous accumulation. He restores to original satisfaction levels my psychological makeup. Notwithstanding the fact that I make ambulatory progress through the non-illuminated geological interstice of mortality; terror sensations shall not be manifest within me, due to the proximity of omnipotence. Your pastoral walking aid and quadruped-restraint module induce in me a pleasurific mood state. You design and produce a nutrient-bearing support structure, in the context of non-cooperative elements. You enact a head-related folk ritual, utilizing vegetable extracts, and my beverage container exhibits inadequate volumetric parameters. Surely it must be an intrinsic, non-deductible factor that your inter-relational, emphatic and non-vengeful attributes will pursue me as their target focus for the duration of the current non-death period. And I will possess tenant rights in the residential facility of the Lord, on a permanently open-ended time basis.
[edit]
Millionaires

Two bums are watching the funeral of a wealthy man. One says, “I've seen this type of thing before. The coffin is solid mahogany, ‘til you can see your face in it, and there are almost two hundred mourners…” He goes on, and the other remarks with amazement, “Wow! That’s what I call living!”

At the funeral of a wealthy man, there is one man who nobody seems to know, who is wailing louder than anyone else. The widow says to him, “Why are you weeping? You're not even a relative!” He sobs, “That's why!”

[edit]
Other Business

Little Sam said to his father, “Papa, may I have another apple?” Sam's father says, “Another apple? What do you think, they grow on trees?”

[edit]
Pilots

A plane is having engine trouble, and the pilot radios, “Ladies and gents, I'm sorry to say we've got a bit of trouble. The good news is, I'm parachuting down to get help.”

On a commercial flight, the intercom suddenly buzzes to life, and the passengers hear the following message: “This is your captain speaking. I'm sorry to tell you, we have to attempt a water landing in Boston Harbor, with the right wing pointing in towards the harbor, and the left wing pointing out to sea. For those of you who can swim, please get out onto the right wing. For those of you who cannot swim, please get out onto the left wing. For those of you who can swim, please head towards shore, and swim as fast as you can. For those of you who cannot swim… Thank you for choosing to fly Delta.”

[edit]
Police
A traffic cop stops a little old lady who's driving incredibly slowly. He says, “Lady, you can speed up a bit, you know! The speed limit is 65, and you're doing less than 30!” She replies, “I'm doing just the speed limit—22.” He sighs, and says, “The speed limit is 65, not—oh, you must be looking at that! That means this is Route 22!” He notices two other ladies in the back seat, pale as sheets, and asks after them. She replies thoughtfully, “Ummmm… I think we just came off Route 110.”
[edit]
Psychologists

Two thirty-such girls, one of whom has been living very openly, and the other living a self-contained, reclusive life with her mother, are out at the theater. After leaving, the girl living with her mother realizes that she left her pocketbook on her seat, spells out quietly, “S-u-g-a-r!” The other, feeling a bit awkward, asks her if she might try to consult a psychiatrist, to see if she can become a bit more open. After a few weeks, they meet again, and the second girl asks if the help did any good. The first replies, “Oh, yes! Just this morning, I shouted, ‘Get out of my life, you rotten bitch!’ right at my m-o-t-h-e-r.”

A psychiatrist, meeting a fellow psychiatrist, says, “You're fine, how am I?”

Two psychologists pass each other in the street. One says, “Hello,” and the other one thinks, What do you suppose he meant by that?

[edit]
Teachers/Students

A schoolteacher was brought to court on the charge of a traffic violation. The judge, chuckling openly, sentenced her to write on a blackboard: “I will not run a red light” five hundred times.

One university treasurer was examining the various departments, and their needed supplies. He said to himself, “The math department is the easiest to deal with—they only ask for paper, pencils, and erasers.” After a pause, he added, “And the philosophy department is even better. They don't ask for erasers.”

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician are all sitting on a street corner, watching one building. They see two people enter, and, a while later, three people exit. The biologist mutters to himself, “Ah, procreation.” The physicist says with a frown, “No, experimental error.” The mathematician says, thinking aloud, “If one more person enters the building, it will be empty.”

Three college students are caught murdering a hobo, and are sentenced to the electric chair. The first man, the Yale student, is asked if he has any last words. He gives a two-hour speech on how he is ashamed of the government for making such dire mistakes, that the world is losing a great resource, and bores everyone to the point of falling asleep. He ends by crying, “And if there is any justice from God, this chair will not even hurt me, and you should let me go free!” The executioners decide to grant his last wish (feeling confident that he won't be around for the result), strap him in, and flick the switch. Nothing happens! So, they let him go. The second student, the Harvard student, whines for an hour about how it's really his parents, friends, teachers, neighbors, and minor acquaintances from his childhood who shaped him, and it isn't really his fault that he did what he did… They can't wait to strap this guy in. He ends by crying, “And if there is any justice from God, this chair will not hurt me, and you should let me go!” Again, the executioners agree to his wish, strap him in, and flick the switch… Nothing! So, they let him go. Then, the M.I.T. student comes in, and says in a high, nasal voice, “Well, if you'd just connect those two wires…”

A math teacher is quizzing the first graders on their addition skills. She says to Tommy, “If you had one dollar, and you asked your father for one more dollar, how many dollars would you have?” Tommy says, “One dollar.” The teacher says, with disgust, “You don't know your math!” Tommy says, “You don't know my father!”

An economist, a logician, and a mathematician were on a train, passing a herd of sheep. The economist said, as he glanced at the pasture, “Ah, the sheep have been sheared.” The logician said, “Actually, only the ones that we can see on the edge have been sheared.” The mathematician said, “Well, to be quite exact: only the sides of the sheep which are facing us have been sheared.”

[edit]
Writers

A visitor at a prominent public area is delighted to see the newly erected Hemingway Hall, and exclaims, “Ernest Hemingway! What a person to name a building for!” The tour guide says, “Actually, it's named for Joshua Hemingway—no relation.” The visitor says brightly, “Oh, was he also a writer?” “Yes… he wrote a check.”

[edit]
Politics Jokes

[edit]
President ‘Dubya’
President Bush, having a dream, saw the ghosts of the past Presidents. First, he asked George Washington: “Uh… George? Hey, could you give me some advice with the press?” Washington's ghost says: “Never tell a lie…” Bush turns to the shade of Jefferson: “Hey, Jeff, could you tell me what to do with all these people who keep on annoying me?” “Count to ten…” At this point, Bush sees Abraham Lincoln. “Abe, what could you recommend for a bit of a break? I need some serious R&R.” Lincoln's ghost says: “Go see a play…”

During the political instability of the war with Iraq of ‘03, President Bush went, secretly, to Baghdad. In the course of the negotiations, Bush noticed three buttons on the side of Saddam’s chair. Bush began by saying, “Now, Saddam, if we can't negotiate to peace, then we—” Yawning, Saddam pushed the first button. Bush's chair jumped up suddenly, and Bush hit his tailbone hard. Bush stoically ignored Saddam's laughter, and went on, “If we insist on violence, then we must prepare for—” Saddam pushed the second button, and Bush's chair tilted forward, sprawling him on the floor. Saddam was laughing riotously. Bush, being as dignified as possible, sat back in his chair, and said, “Saddam, if the purpose of this meeting was just to humiliate me—” Saddam now pushed the third button, and Bush's chair spun around backward, throwing him at the door. Bush said to Saddam, who was now helpless with laughter, through clenched teeth, “Alright, Saddam… We'll finish this back in Washington, D.C.!” Later, after Air Force One dropped them at the White House, and they were in the negotiations room, Saddam noticed three buttons on the side of Bush's chair. Saddam said, “Dubya, I feel the need for—” and as Bush pushed the first button; Saddam gripped the sides of his chair, expecting it to jump into the air. Nothing happened, but Bush was still laughing. Saddam, puzzled, said, “Dubya, I am at a point of—” As Bush pushed the next button, Saddam braced his legs on the floor, expecting to be dumped forward. Nothing happened again, but Bush laughed now, louder than before. Irritated, Saddam said, “Dubya, this is really quite—” As Bush pushed the last button, Saddam stood up, expecting to be dragged around. Nothing happened! But Bush was now almost unable to speak, he was laughing so hard. Saddam said, “Dubya, you have a terrible sense of humor, and this is the last straw! I'm going back to Baghdad. Bush, somehow, choked out of his laughter, ”What Baghdad?“

Asked by his teacher to compare three Presidents, Little Johnny said: ”George Washington couldn't tell a lie, Richard Nixon wouldn't tell the truth, and George W. Bush can't tell the difference.“

In a public bathroom, there is a hot-air dryer. In neat graffiti over the button, are the words, ”PRESS THIS BUTTON TO HEAR YET ANOTHER ILLUMINATING SPEECH FROM OUR PRESIDENT.“

The President decided to test his police forces by sending a rabbit into the forest, and ordering them to find it. First, the CIA sent out inquiries all over the forest, and, after three months of research, they determined that rabbits don't exist. The FBI went in. after two weeks with no leads, they set fire to the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit. When questioned on the legal and economic levels about their actions, they maintained that the rabbit had provoked them. Finally, the LAPD went in. half an hour later, they came out, dragging a bear, who was badly beaten, and was yelling, ”Alright, I'm a rabbit!"
[edit]
18th-19th Century Politicians

An eighteenth-century politician once said in a burst of fiery patriotism, “There are just two things I can't stand: race prejudice and negroes!”

A temperance speaker was railing vividly against alcohol, and ended by raising both hands in a plea to the crowd, and saying, “By God, what is there that can make you as miserable as drink?” A voice from the back of the room replied, “Thirst!”
[edit]
Adolf Hitler

A British diplomat was sent to act as an envoy to Hitler. In the course of the conversation, Hitler said, “Your soldiers cannot possibly win. My men are loyal to death… Watch! Soldier,” he said, indicating a soldier, “Jump out that window!” The man immediately leapt out the window, wherefrom he fell thirty stories to the pavement. The diplomat was suitably horrified. Grimly satisfied, Hitler again ordered a soldier to jump. The man did. Again, he gave the order for a suicide jump, but the diplomat clutched at the soldier's arm, crying, “How can you abandon life so easily?” The soldier said, “You call this living?” And with that, he jumped.

Why did Hitler commit suicide? He saw the gas bill.

Visual joke] What's the difference between a Nazi and a homosexual? Forty-five degrees [visual: give the Nazi salute, then bring the hand down forty-five degrees...]

[edit]
Jewish Jokes

[edit]
Jewish with Other Religions/Ethnic Groups

Two nuns, sitting on a park bench, are discussing plans for vacation. “How about New York?” asks the first. “Too many Jews there!” “Mexico?” “Too many Jews!” “England?” “Too many Jews!” A Jewish woman, passing by, says, “Why don't you go to Hell—there are no Jews there!”

A minister told his friend, Rabbi Goldman, “Last night, I dreamed of the Jewish Heaven. It was a slum, and it was overflowing with people—running, playing, talking, sitting—doing all things. But the dream, and the noise, was so terrific that I woke up.” The rabbi said, “Last night, I dreamed of the Presbyterian Heaven. It was a nice, proper suburb, with neatly trimmed lawns, and houses all neatly lined up.” “How were the people?” asked the minister. “What people?”

One Pope, in the Dark Ages, decreed that all Jews had to leave the Vatican. The Jews did not want to leave, and so the Pope challenged them to a debate to prove that they could remain. No one, however wanted the responsibility… Until the synagogue janitor, Moishe, volunteered. As there was nobody else who wanted to go, Moishe was given the task. But he wanted a twist: to make it a silent debate. The Pope agreed. The day of the debate came, and they went to St. Peter's Square to sort out the decision. First the Pope waved his hand around his head. Moishe pointed firmly at the ground. The Pope, in some surprise, held up three fingers. In response, Moishe gave him the middle finger. The crowd started to complain, but the Pope thoughtfully waved them to be quiet. He took out a bottle of wine and a wafer, holding them up. Moishe took out an apple, and held it up. The Pope, to the people's surprise, said, “I concede. This man is too good. The Jews can stay.” Later, the Pope was asked what the debate had meant. He explained, “First, I showed him the Heavens, to show that God is everywhere. He pointed at the ground to signify that God is right here with us. I showed him three fingers, for the Trinity. He reminded me that there is One God common to both our religions. I showed him wine and a wafer, for God's forgiveness. With an apple, he showed me original sin. The man was a master of silent debate.” In the Jewish corner, Moishe has the same question put to him, and answers, “It was all nonsense, really. First, he told me that this whole town would be free of Jews. I told him, Go to Hell! We're staying right here! Then, he told me we had three days to get out. I told him just what I thought of that proposal.” An older woman asks, “But what about the part at the end?” “That,” said Moishe, “Well, I saw him take out his lunch, so I took out mine.”

At an interfaith meeting, a rabbi was watching the process of confession. The first woman said “I committed adultery three times this week.” The priest responded, “Put five dollars in the collection tin on the way out.” The second woman also said “I committed adultery three times this week.” The priest responded again, “Put five dollars in the collection tin on the way out.” At this point, the priest needed to leave. He said to the rabbi, “Could you hold the post for a minute?” The rabbi, feeling that he could handle it, responded in the positive. The third woman said “I committed adultery twice this week.” The rabbi responded, “Hey, lady, we got a special this week… Three for five bucks.”

As a group of nuns are about to get their last vows to become the wives of our Divine Lord Jesus Christ, the priest is surprised to see the town Rabbi there, sitting in the back row on the right side of the pews. “Ginsberg, why are you here—and so far back? Come up here.” After the rabbi has moved up, he asks, “Now, what brings you here—to see these fine girls take their vows as wife of our Lord?” Ginsberg replies with a small smile, “Family of the Groom.”

At an interfaith meeting in a strictly moral town, Father O'Brien, Brother Reshna, and Reb Ginsberg are engaging in a friendly game of poker. They get a little too rambunctious, and are caught by the hotel detective, who brings them to the judge. The judge, to avoid a riot, and to avoid spoiling the names of some of the religious leaders, asks them if they can excuse their behavior. The priest says, “Well, can you prove that we were gambling? Just a little earthly pleasure, that's all.” The judge excuses him. The monk says, “Upon this Earth, all things belong, truly, to us all. And the money, only small worldly possessions, after all, was only marking where to put the cards—not that it was to change hands, either…” Finally, the rabbi is called up, “Ginsberg, how can you excuse this indiscretion of gambling?” The rabbi smiles, and says, “With whom, your honor?”

A barber, giving a haircut to a monk, in the fringed style, is asked, “What should I pay you?” and the barber replies, “No price, for a religious man such as yourself.” The next day, the barber finds a box of chocolates on his doorstep. That day, the priest has his hair cut, conservatively short. “What shall I pay you, my son?” “No price, for a man of the cloth.” The next day, there is a bottle of fine wine on the barber's doorstep. That day, Rabbi Finklestein gets his hair cut and paes trimmed, and asks, “What do you want I should pay you?” “Nothing, for a man of God.” And the next morning do you guess what the barber finds on his doorstep? A long line of rabbis!

Three men are crawling through the desert. The Frenchman cries out, “I'm dying; I'm hungry, I'm thirsty! I must have… wine!” The Englishman cries out, “I'm dying; I'm hungry, I'm thirsty! I must have… tea!” The Jew cries out, “I'm dying; I'm hungry, I'm thirsty! I must have… diabetes!”

A rabbi once asked his old friend, the priest, “Could you ever be promoted?” The priest says, thoughtfully, “Well, I could become a bishop.” The rabbi persists, “And then?” With a pause for consideration, the priest replies, “Maybe I could be a cardinal, even.” “And then?” After thinking for some time, the priest responds, “I may, someday, rise to be the Pope.” But the rabbi is still not satisfied. “And then?” With an air of incredulity, the priest cries, “What more could I become? God Himself?” The rabbi said, quietly, “One of our boys made it.”

A monk, a priest, and a rabbi, are all bathing in the pond after a hike. Suddenly, they see a group of women from the town approaching. The monk and priest, hands between their legs, run to the bushes, followed by the rabbi, covering his face. “Why did you cover your face?” they ask. “In my congregation,” he replies, “they usually recognize me by my face!”

A Jewish boy is told snobbishly by a Christian boy, “Our priest knows more than your rabbi!” The Jewish boy replies, “Of course he does—you tell him everything!”

As part of an interfaith project, a synagogue and a church buy a bus together. The next day, the priest unexpectedly takes the vehicle off. The rabbi, on his return, inquires of his absence. The priest explains about how in the church, they greet a new arrival with a baptism, and how he took it to the car wash. Six days later, the priest finds the rabbi sawing off three inches of the tailpipe…

A man is hit by a car in New York, and calls vainly for a priest. Finally, a small Jewish man stands up, and says, “Mister, I've lived behind the church on Fifty-Fifth Street for twelve years now, and I think I can remember some of the stuff they said.” Solemnly, he stands before the dying pedestrian, and intones, “O-67, R-9, L-21…”

In a hospital, a nun was doing her daily visits to the sick. In deep discussion with one man, she found out that he had ten children. “Ten!” she exclaimed, “A nice Catholic family—” “But I'm Jewish!” he interrupted. Upon hearing this, the nun immediately made an excuse to go. The man called out for her to come back, as he desired company, but she responded, “I thought I was talking to a good Catholic father, not a sex maniac!”

Three men of religion were discussing what they wanted said at their burials. The priest said, “I would like someone to mention my kindness and understanding in confessions.” The minister said, “I would like someone to say how my sermons were inspiring and a light in hard times.” The rabbi said, “I want someone to say, ‘Look! Look! He’s still moving!'”

In confession, a man admitted, “I am eighty-two, married with four children and several grandchildren, and last night I slept with two seventeen-year old girls—all night.” The priest told him to put fifteen dollars into the collection box on his way out, but the man said that he wouldn't. The priest fired up at this. “Why not? As a good Catholic—” The man interrupted. “I'm Jewish. I never confessed in my life.” “Then why did you tell me?” asked the bemused and worn-out priest. “I'm telling everybody!”

A nun, as the rabbi was leaving his room in the Catholic hospital [God knows how he got in there], asked him if he knew what happened to the picture of Jesus on the Cross that had been on the wall. He calmly told her that he had thrown it out the window. Asking, with controlled fury, why he had done that, he responded, “One suffering Jew in here was enough!”

Three men of God were talking about how they divided the money from contribution between God and themselves. The priest said, “I draw a line, in the middle of the room, and throw the money into the air. What lands on the near side is mine; on the far side is God's.” The minister said, “That's almost what I do, but with my system, what lands inside the circle is God's, and what lands outside is mine.” The rabbi said, “I throw the money into the air… and what He catches, He can keep!”

A Jew and a Chinaman are discussing their respective groups. “China has been around for four thousand years.” “The Jews have been around for five thousand years.” “Impossible! Where did they eat for a thousand years?”

A Jew sees a Chinaman on the street and knocks him down, crying, “That's for Pearl Harbor!” “But that was the Japanese…” “Chinese, Japanese, Siamese… all the same!” The Chinaman promptly knocks the Jew down, crying, “That's for the Titanic!” “But the Jews didn't sink the Titanic…” “Goldberg, Greenburg, Iceberg…”

Three men were involved in a philosophical conversation which went like this: “What would you do if your doctor said you had six months to live?” The first man, the Englishman, says, “I would like to spend my last months in the lush countryside, surrounded by the wildness that is nature.” The Frenchman says, “I would spend my months on the French Riviera, surrounded by beautiful women.” The Jew said, “I would consult another doctor.”

A Jew says to an Italian, “Listen, I've got a great Italian joke, but I want your permission before I tell it.” The Italian says, “First, listen to this one: ‘What is it which is black, blue, and floats down a river?’” After a pause, he gives the answer, “A Jew who tells Italian jokes.”

In Communist Russia, an officer notices a man reading odd symbols, and asks what they are. The man replies, “Well, I'm Jewish, and this is Hebrew—it's the language of Heaven.” The officer smirks, and says, “What if you don't go to Heaven?” The Jew replies, “I already know Russian.”

They just made a ‘Quik-Easter’ Kit: two boards, three nails, and a Jew.

A priest and a rabbi get in a car crash, and both get out to apologize. The rabbi says, “It's obvious that God wanted us to meet, and we should toast this occasion with a drink—” He pulls out a bottle, and explains, “It miraculously survived the crash.” The priest takes a big drink, and hands it back to the rabbi, who promptly corks it. The priest asks in surprise, “Aren't you going to have any?” “Not until after the cops come!”

[edit]
Tradition/Belief

A Jew, about to leave for America, consulted his rabbi for any last pieces of wisdom. The rabbi said, “Life is a fountain.” With this in mind, the man set off, and was successful in America. After some time, he received news that his mentor was dying. He hurried back, to try to thank him for all his help. At the man's bedside, he asked, reverently, “Rabbi, through all my hardships and many disappointments, I have thought of your advice, and it has always helped me. But, rabbi, if I may ask you—Why is life a fountain?” From behind cracked lips, the rabbi whispered tiredly, “So, life's not like a fountain.”

At the Western Wall, a tourist is told that he can pray to God if he talks to the wall. Reluctantly, he says, “God, bring prosperity unto this land.” To the apikoyres's shock, a voice booms from the heavens, “I WILL, MY SON!” Gaining confidence, he says, “Let this wall stand forever.” And the Voice says, “I WILL, MY SON!” In a burst of belief and well-wishing, he cries, “Let there be peace between Jews and Arabs throughout the Middle East!” After a pause, the Voice says, “YOU'RE TALKING TO A WALL…”

A rabbi, upon retiring, decides to try trayf. At the diner, he orders an entire suckling pig. While he's waiting, a family from his congregation sees him, and comes to be with him. The waiter comes, finally, with… what else? An entire suckling pig, roasted, with sauce, and complete with a roast apple in its mouth! The rabbi says, nervously, “Will you get a load of that! Order one roast apple, and look what they give you!”

The Hebrew school teacher read, “…And, looking back, Lot's wife turned into a pillar of salt.” Jerry said, “Yesterday, as my mother was driving, she looked back, and she turned into a telephone pole!”

A yeshiva student, asked by his new father-in-law, “What do you do for a living?” “I study the Book of God.” “How will you eat?” “God will provide.” Later, he says to his wife, “The bad news is, he's got no job, he doesn't know what to do with his life, and he can't support a family. The good news is, he thinks I'm God.”

In a bad part of town, where there are few Jews, one lady is willing to rent out her apartment for prayer. One day, falling short of a minyan, she is forced to look out on the street for a replacement. As a likely candidate approaches, she raps on the window-pane with her nails to get attention, saying to the man, “Would you like to be the tenth man?” Recognizing the look of a house of ill repute, he responds, “Madam, I would not have wanted to be the first.”

[edit]
Shylockian Jews (Business, etc.)

A Jewish merchant's store is destroyed by a fire. He goes to the insurance agent to collect the insurance. While he's there, the agent tries to sell him more insurance. “For instance,” he says, “How about storm insurance? You can always use storm insurance.” “Storm?” asks the Jew, “How do you start a storm?”

It is said that a Jew's idea of Christmas is a parking meter on the roof.

Goldberg is approached by the Tsunami Fund, who says to him, “Goldberg, you have two houses, one here in Boston and one in New York, own eighteen clothing stores, and own seven cars—why can't you give to us?” Goldberg replies, “Actually, I have an estate in Long Island you seem to have overlooked, and my stores are in thirty-two cities. But you didn't seem to know—I have a sick mother, in the hospital, in serious condition, and my sister needs to support a family of three children on her own, with a son in college—with college fees as they are!… And if I don't give any of them one red cent, why should I give you anything?”

Walking into a bar, Harry Moskowitz went up to his good friend, Moishe Finkelstein, and said, “Oy, Moishe, I'm so sorry to hear about how your shop burned down!” Whirling around, Moishe whispers hurriedly, “It's tomorrow, schmuck!”

The IRS agent, at the synagogue, asks, “What do you do with the left over bits of the bread,” and is told that it is sent to the city, which sends them more bread. He asks, “What do you do with the wax drippings off the candles,” and is told that they are sent to the city, where they are made into candles, and given back. He asks what they do with the bits left over from a bris, and is told that they are also sent to the city. “What do they send you then?” he asks. “Today,” says the rabbi wearily, “they sent us you.”

Two bums were sitting on a bench in Vatican City, one with a Crucifix on his collection tin, and the other with a Star of David. Everyone is snubbing the man with the Star, and putting a coin in the man with the Crucifix's tin, just to spite the former. Finally, a kindly priest says to the man with the Star, “My son, I think that you would have better luck in a different area.” And the man with the Star turns to the man next to him, and says, “Do you believe it, Moishe? This shmuck is telling us how to run our business!”

Moishe Ginsberg, a Jewish salesman of ribbons, newly arrived in America, presented himself at the door of a suburban house. The owner, being an anti-Semite, said rudely, “I'll buy enough ribbon as measures from that hooked nose of yours to the tip of your Jewish prick!” Politely, Moishe asked the man to put it in writing, which the man does more than happily. He then told him that he would bring him the order the next day. Sure enough, next day, Moishe comes back… with the entire stock of ribbons! The man, spluttering with fury, asks him what he means by this.“ Moishe says calmly, ”Here's the order blank. Don't bother ripping it up—it's a Xerox, and the real one is in my safe deposit box.“ The man says, ”Alright, I wanted just as much as measures from the tip of your nose to the tip of your prick!“ Moishe says smoothly, ”Yes, but you must understand… The tip of my nose is right here, but I don't know whether you realize—I was circumcised in Poland.“

Three friends, at the graveside of a fourth man, decided to give him some small token of friendship in commemoration. The Englishman let fly a ten dollar bill, and let it land on the man's corpse. The Frenchman followed suit, with a twenty dollar bill. The Jew wrote a check for sixty dollars, and, as he placed it on the body, took the other thirty as change.

Moishe Ginsberg is trying to get a job as salesman at Abercrombie and Fitch, and is told that there is no room for him. ”Give me two weeks,“ he pleads, ”In any area of your store that's losing money—any area—and I will make it start to flow gold!“ Eventually, Moishe is given his chance. After two days, the general manager looks at the fishing section (that's where he put Moishe), and sees that it has sold almost $30,000 worth of equipment in the last two days. The manager hurries over, where he hears the following sales pitch from Moishe to a customer: ”These two hooks, Mr. Anderson, are the finest things we have in the store. They're coated with a monomolecular film of chemical which attracts any fish. Just holding the rod over the water, the fish will jump for it. But use bait, so other fishermen won't realize your advantage. You'll take them? Good! This bait is made from the worms that we had imported from China—no finer type. We'll add them to your order? Yes, good idea. But to put them on the line—what type of line do you have? Nylon! That will break as soon as you get a good fish! Try these… they've got a thin wire inside which can hold up to a ton—you could catch a whale with this! You'll take them? Good! Now, what sort of rod do you use? Bamboo? I simply refuse to sell you the hooks and line if you insist on a bamboo rod! Try this—made for use on the moon, by NASA, made of a new plastic—durable as steel, flexible as rubber. That too? Good! Now, Mr. Anderson, I wish you the best of luck—where do you fish again? Lake Greenwood? Yes, I know it well. But where do you go on the lake? By the shore? Only minnows come close to the shore! To get real fish, you need to go about five or six miles out. But in a rowboat, or a motor boat? No! The first is too slow, and the second too noisy. Try this boat… it works by an underwater jet, which is fast as an arrow, silent as a whisper. You'll take that, too? Good! Sign here, Mr. Anderson, and we will deliver all of it by tomorrow.“ The manager hurries up, and says excitedly, ”Ginsberg! How much was that sale?“ Ginsberg looks at the sales slip, and says calmly, ”That came to… sixteen thousand, two hundred, and thirteen dollars.“ The manager says, ”Alright, you're permanently hired! But how did you make a sale like that from two hooks?“ Ginsberg replies, ”Well, I saw him in the department across the way, and heard him ask for two boxes of Kotex for his wife. I called him over, and said, ‘Well, since you’re weekend's ruined, you might as well go fishing…'“

Two elderly Jews see a sign at a Catholic church: ”Conform! And get $10 free!“ The first says, ”You know, I might do it…“ After a moment, he marches up to the church. About a half hour later, he comes out, and his friend says, ”Well, did you get your ten dollars?“ The new Catholic replies with disgust, ”Is that all you people think about?“

Two Jews are looking at the stock market. Suddenly, one cries out, ”Moses was an idiot!“ The other, stunned at this blasphemy, asks him for his reasoning. ”To lead us through the desert for forty years… into the only Middle-Eastern country without oil!“

Bernstein, always on time for work, was late one day… a whole hour late. He explained to the boss, ”I… I somehow, I tripped and fell down two flights of stairs at the subway.“ The boss said, ”And to fall down two flights of stairs, it took you a whole hour?“

Rosenfeld asked his son, ”This Einstein I hear about, what does he do that's so great?“ The son replied, ”Well, papa, one of the things he did was work out the General Theory of Relativity.“ The next question is, what is that? The son answers, ”Well, think of it like this. If you played an hour of pinochle with your friends, it might feel like just a few minutes, but if you got in line for a ticket for ten minutes, it might feel like it took all night.“ Rosenfeld says with amazement, ”An hour into a minute, a minute into a night—this is what your Einstein does for a living?"

[edit]
Jewish Women (Jewish Mothers, Grandmothers, J.A.P.s, etc.)

A Jewish woman, trying to gain access to an anti-Semitic hotel, was told that they were full. Upon seeing a man check out, and demanding a room, she was told that Jews weren't allowed. Insisting that she was a good Catholic, she was put to a test. First, she was asked: “Did God have a son.” She replies easily, “Yes.” The man at the desk says, “That was too easy. Tell me what His name was.” Knowing that it was against her views, but still wanting a room, she said, “Jesus Christ.” The man scoffed, “Still easy. Tell me—where was He born?” This was harmless enough. “In a stable, in Bethlehem.” “And why was he born there?” Here, her rage overflowed. She said, in a biting voice: “Because a shmuck like you wouldn't give his Jewish parents a room!”

An old Jewish lady is approached by a flasher, who opens his coat, and is about to run away, when the woman grabs the hem of his trench coat, and says critically, “You call this a lining?”

A Jewish man says to his psychiatrist, “Lately, I have been having the strangest dreams. Everybody in them turns into my mother. All I can do is go downstairs, and have a piece of toast.” Glancing up at his patient over his glasses, the psychiatrist says, “What, just one piece of toast, a big boy like you?”

What's the difference between an Italian mother and a Jewish mother? The Italian mother tells her child, ‘Eat it, or I’ll kill you.' The Jewish mother tells her child, ‘Eat it, or I’ll kill myself.'

At the beach, Mrs. Moskowitz is horrified to see her husband swept away by the waves. When the lifeguard is holding him out on the sand, she cries shrilly, “He's not breathing! Oh God, he's stopped breathing!” The lifeguard says, “Ma'am, I'm afraid that your husband might require artificial respiration.” Mrs. Moskowitz immediately swells up, and says with controlled fury, “My Bernie is either going to get real respiration, or none at all!”

Aliens finally make contact with Earth, and, in an interview, the reporter asked the Venusian woman who was serving as representative about questions concerning the life and welfare of Venusians. He begins with the question, “Your skin is blue—is that typical of Venusian women?” She blushes, and says, “Oh yes, but not usually as deeply blue as mine is—I've spent a bit long in the sun lately.” He writes this down, and continues by saying, “And you have eight fingers on each hand—that is also typical?” She says, with a hint of surprise, “Yes, of course! But if there's an accident, it will take a week or two to grow back.” He writes this down as well, and says, “But… I hope this isn't personal… I can't help noticing—each of your fingers has a diamond ring on it—is that also true of Venusian women?” Here, she paused for a moment, then said, “Yes… But not the goyim.”

A woman, asked about her new diamond ring by a friend, informs her of its purity, size, weight, and its other virtues. When the friend asks if she could buy it, the woman replies that it is not for sale. “Why?” the friend asks. “It is the cursed Plotnick diamond—it carries a curse I would not wish on my worst enemy!” “What?” asks the friend. “Mr. Plotnick!”

In the school play, Harry Bernstein gets the role of the Jewish husband. But his mother sends him back furiously, demanding that he get a speaking role.

Four women, playing bridge, start discussing their deep secrets. The first says, “I'm a nymphomaniac, but I swear, I never did anything to any of your relatives.” The second says, “I'm a lesbian, but I swear I never thought about any of you, ever.” The third says, “I'm a kleptomaniac, but I swear I never took anything from any of you.” The fourth said, standing up, “I'm a yenta, and, boy have I got some phone calls to make!”

An old Jewish woman, at an MPAA screening for a Roman movie, is horrified to see lions eating people, and she demands an ‘R’ rating. She is told, “No, they're Christian.” A minute later, she calls again, “That lion over there isn't eating.”

In the middle of a Broadway show, a woman from the balcony cried out, “Is there a doctor in the house?” Several men stood up. She continued, “If any of you are single, would you consider going out with a nice, well-raised Jewish girl?”

Mrs. Finkelstein is visiting Tibet, and she tells her tour guide that she must see the Swami. Despite the warnings that everyone throws at her, she steadfastly sets off to find the Swami. Finally, she reaches the monastery, and battles her way into the inner sanctuary. There sits the Swami, on a golden pillow, with incense burning all around him, and his eyes closed in meditation. Mrs. Finkelstein grabs him roughly by the hand, and says firmly, “All right, Murray, enough of this Swami nonsense—you're coming back home.”

Mrs. Moskowitz is discussing her boy Harry with Mrs. Leibowitz next door. Mrs. Moskowitz says pridefully, “And every Wednesday, he goes to a psychiatrist, for three hours a session.” Mrs. Leibowitz replies, with some surprise, “Is that a good thing?” Mrs. Moskowitz says, “Of course—all he talks about is me!”

Becky wakes her husband Jake in the middle of the night, saying, “It's freezing, close the window.” He won't budge, and she is put to the point of nearly throwing him out. Finally, he jumps up, slams the window shut, and cries, “Alright… Is it now warm outside?”

Becky is on her deathbed, and her husband Jake is kneeling by her side. She tries to talk, but he shushes her. But she whispers, “Jake… Jake… I must… tell you… I, I… cheated on you… and I can't die without… trying to apologize…” Jake says to her, “Becky, Becky. I know already. Why else would I poison you?”

Mrs. Bloom is having her portrait done, and specifies that earrings, necklace, and other jewelry, is painted on. The artist points out that she doesn't have any of these. She replies, “It's in case I die before my husband. I'm sure he'd remarry, and I want the new girl to go crazy looking for the jewels!”

An old Jewish woman is very scared of flying, and is unconvinced by her son-in-law's advice that only one plane in five hundred thousand even have a bomb attempted to get on. She asks, “What's the chance of there being two bombs on one flight?” He assures her that it would be impossible. Now, she'll fly anywhere… as long as she's got her bomb with her.

[edit]
Jokes Which Require Some Knowledge of Yiddish

What's the difference between a bris and a get? In the get, you lose the whole shmuck!

A Jewish boy called his mother, excitedly informing her of his marriage to an Indian girl, how he has a new Indian name, and telling her that she must have an Indian name herself. The mother replied, “I already do—Sitting Shiva.”

Marty Kaplan, whose wife was a believer in mystical phenomena, was finally dragged to a séance, where he was told that he would be able to talk to his grandpa Zalman. He was bored by the first ‘ommm…’, but when a quivering voice came out of the crystal ball, “Marty… is that you, my eynikl?” “Yes, zayde, it's me. Your little Marty.” They talked on and on—how happy he was in the other world! Finally, he said, “Marty, your bubbe wants me… I must leave you now… but is there any last question you want to ask?” “Zayde,” said Marty tiredly, “When did you learn English?”

[edit]
Bar Mitzvahs

A Bar Mitzvah is when a Jewish boy realizes that he is more likely to own a baseball team than to play on one.

[edit]
Marriage/Family

Three men were discussing their home lives. The Englishman said, “At home, I have a loving wife. Last night, she screamed for ten minutes after we finished.” The Frenchman scoffs, “Last night, my girl screamed for a full hour after we had finished.” The Jew says lightly, “Last night, my wife screamed for three hours after we finished.” “Three! How did you manage that?” Asked the others. “Oh… I wiped myself off on the drapes.”

A Jewish boy, in the old days of prearranged marriages, is going to meet the bride's family. As the other family is approaching, his father says to him, “I'll bet you can't guess which one is going to be your father-in-law.” The boy easily picks him out. With surprise, the father asks him how he guessed. The boy replies, “That one in particular, already I can't stand!”

Mrs. Moskowitz and Mrs. Finkelstein meet after several years apart, and ask after family. Mrs. Finkelstein asks, “And how's Rosie?” Mrs. Moskowitz beams, and says, “Oh, my Rosie! What luck! She has gone and married a real gem—a professor. He'll let her sleep in to whatever hours, and feeds her breakfast in bed! He got her a maid so she won't have to lift a finger, and he takes her to the opera every night. And he does the cooking himself; she has no sadness, what joy! And how's your Joey?” A shadow passes over Mrs. Finkelstein's face. “My Joey—poor Joey—has become a professor. But the woman he married, what a beast! She sleeps all day, and makes him bring her breakfast in bed! She made him get her a maid, she's so lazy! She makes him take her to the opera every night! And on top of everything, she makes my Joey do all the cooking, she's such a lazybones! Oy, what misery my Joey has!”

Mr. Levine is dying, and all his family is around him, mourning. He whispers, “Becky, are you there?” His wife assures him that she is there, and he goes through the whole family, making sure that everyone is there. When the last person has assured his presence, Mr. Levine sits bolt upright in bed, eyes popping open, and cries wildly, “So who's minding the store?”

A man is on the way to the hospital; his wife is giving birth. He gets stuck in traffic, and he is an hour late. Rushing in, he asks the doctor what happened. The doctor replies, “Well, because you were late, we had to let your brother name the children.” The man cries out, “My brother! That idiot? What'd he name the—wait, children?” “Yes, your wife had twins; a boy and a girl.” “Well, what'd he name them?” “He named the girl Deniece.” “Deniece… hmmm, that's not bad. Maybe I was wrong. What'd he name the boy?” “Denephew.”

[edit]
Rabbis

Three Reform rabbis, all killed in a car wreck, are confronted by the Lord Himself. “Finkelstein,” the first is told, “Ashtrays in the Temple, so My people can smoke as the Torah is read?” Finkelstein hangs his head in shame. “But this I can forgive.” Finkelstein passes into Heaven. “Moskowitz… ham-and-cheese sandwiches at the Seder—what were you thinking?” Moskowitz also hangs his head mournfully. “But this I can also excuse.” Moskowitz also passes to Heaven. “But you, Goldberg, have gone too far! Putting a sign on the temple on Yom Kippur: ‘Closed for the Holidays!’”

A rabbi, giving a talk in an asylum, is shocked when one man stands up, shouts “God, I can't stand any more of this shit!” and runs out. After, he asks if he upset the man, and is told that it was actually a good step. “It was the first sane thing he's said in years!”

In Heaven, one rabbi was greatly celebrated. But he wouldn't even show his face, he was so ashamed. Why, no-one could guess. So they brought him to God, who asked him why he was not rejoicing. The rabbi said, “Lord, my son became a Christian, and I just can't forgive myself. Maybe I brought him up wrong…” And God says, “YOU KNOW, I HAD THE SAME PROBLEM…”

A rabbi, on a plane in bad weather, is asked nervously by the woman next to him, “Rabbi, as a man of God, could you do something about the storm?” He replies, “Lady, I'm in sales, not management.”

At a meeting in the synagogue, the rabbi finds himself outvoted eleven to one. He says, between clenched teeth, to the others, “I stand here, knowing that I am right, and if that is so, God Himself will give a sign!” Just as he says this, a bolt of lightning strikes the conference table, and the rabbi says, with a self-righteous smile, “I am right. The Lord Himself confirms it.” The president of the synagogue, with hair singed, glasses hanging askew, and clothing in disarray, replies, “Alright… eleven to two. We still have majority.”

Rabbi Feldman had been treated to a vacation to Miami beach, paid for by his congregation, and sees, with great appreciation, that no expense was spared. He looks around, and sees, in one corner, a naked girl lying on the sofa. Furiously, he calls the president of the synagogue, crying, “Bernie! I lead my congregation onto the path of righteousness, and what do I find here? Naked flesh!” The girl, realizing the mistake, begins to get up. The rabbi, catching the motion out of the corner of his eye, covers the mouthpiece, smiles winningly at her, and says, “Now, just lie back down. I'm not shouting at you.”

A rabbi, seriously ill, was sent the following message from his congregation: “We wish you a speedy recovery, by a vote of two hundred and thirteen to fifty-six.”

Two men were comparing their rabbis, and their relative pieties. The first said, “Our rabbi is so pious, that when it rains, a circle around his head is dry.” The second begins, saying, “Our rabbi is even more pious. Why, he—” “Your rabbi?” cries the first. “Just last year, on Yom Kippur—Yom Kippur—I saw him eating pork!” The second man says, “But, a circle a round his head, it was the day after Yom Kippur!”

At Yom Kippur, the Jewish populace was shocked to hear that their rabbi had not only skipped services, but had been seen eating oysters. Tracking the rabbi down, they saw that he had a giant plate of oysters in front of him. One man cried out, “Rabbi, how could you do this? And on Yom Kippur?” The rabbi said irritably, “Yom Kippur's got an ‘r’ in it, hasn't it?”

A synagogue is being held up by terrorists. They take the rabbi, the cantor, and the synagogue president hostage, and ask for any last requests. The rabbi says, “I've always wanted to read the entire Torah to an audience.” “How long will that take?” “Oh, maybe two days.” He is granted his request. The cantor says, “I've always wanted to sing the entire prayer book to an audience.” “How long will that take?” “Oh, maybe a day.” He is granted his request. The synagogue president says, “Shoot me first.”

In the mid-nineteenth century, a certain rabbi was renowned for telling parabolic stories. One disciple asks him, “Rabbi, how do you have so many stories which are appropriate to the moment?” The rabbi replies, “Let me explain with a story. One day, a certain landowner was riding through a town, and happened to see a fence, which had several targets painted on it. Each target had a neat bullethole through the exact center. The landowner asks around, to find out who had shot the bullets at the fence. The sharpshooter turned out to be the little village tailor. The landowner asked him, ‘How did you shoot the bullets straight through each target?’ The tailor replied, ‘I shot a bunch of holes in the fence, and then painted targets around each hole.’ So,” the rabbi says, “My system is this: I have a fund of stories at my call, and I wait for a topic to arise wherein I can use them.”

[edit]
Jewish Mentality

A quote from Martin Grobjahn which basically sums up Jewish humor in its entirety: “One can almost see how a witty Jewish man carefully and cautiously takes a sharp dagger out of his enemy's hands, sharpens it so that it can split a hair in midair, polishes it until it shines brightly, stabs himself with it, then returns it gallantly to the anti-Semite with the silent reproach: Now see whether you can do it half as well.”

Moskowitz stopped his tour of the museum for a smoke… right under a ‘no smoking’ sign. A security guard pointed it out to him. He looked at it, and said, “It doesn't say ‘positively’.”

Jones meets his old friend, Goldberg, and asks him, “How are you?” “How should I be?” “What's wrong?” “What isn't?” “Did you lose a profit?” “Did I get a profit?” In a fit of exasperation, Jones cries, “Why do you Jews always have to answer questions with questions?” After a pause, Goldberg replies, “Why not?”

Stalin is giving a speech in front of a giant crowd, in Red Square, as he stands astride Lenin's tomb, and cries, “Comrades, I have here a historic document. It is a cablegram, of congratulations—from Trotsky! It reads, ‘JOSEPH STALIN. KREMLIN. MOSCOW. YOU WERE RIGHT AND I WAS WRONG. YOU ARE THE TRUE HEIR OF LENIN. I SHOULD APOLOGIZE.’” In the midst of shouting, one man, a little tailor in the first row, cries up to Stalin, “Comrade Stalin! I think you need to read it with more feeling!” The masses are astonished, and Stalin says to the crowd, “This man, a simple worker, thinks I can't read it with enough feeling! Come, friend! Read it as you think it should be read!” The little tailor gets up, and joins Stalin on the podium. He takes the telegram, and reads off, “Here's how it should be read: ‘JOSEPH STALIN. KREMLIN. MOSCOW.’” He takes a moment to clear his throat, and then sings out, ‘YOU WERE RIGHT AND I WAS WRONG? YOU ARE THE TRUE HEIR OF LENIN? I SHOULD APOLOGIZE?!’"
[edit]
Anti-Semitism/Holocaust

Mr. Levine met his friend Moishe Goldberg, who suffered from a pronounced stutter, who seemed gloomy. Asked why, Moishe answered, “I ap-p-plied for a j-j-job as sp-p-p-orts comment-t-t-tator, but it didn't go well. All I did was say, ‘My name’s Moish-h-e Gold-d-d-d-dberg', and they turned me down. God-d-d-amn anti-Semites.”

A Jewish comedian, known to be violently anti-Hitler, was brought to the Füehrer, and interrogated. Hitler asked furiously, “Was it you who made up the joke about me and the pig?” The Jew replied, calmly, that it was him. “And the one about my trip to Africa?” The Jew said, again, that it was him. Hitler screamed in fury, “How dare you insult the Third Reich, which is destined to last a thousand years!” The Jew said hastily, “Now, wait, that one I'm not responsible for!”

In the middle of the night, in Auschwitz, one old Jew who still kept his belief prayed, “Lord, I realize that we are Your chosen people… But why can't you, once in a while, choose someone else?”

During the days of oppression and poverty of the Russian shtetls, one village had a rumor going around: a Christian girl was found murdered near their village. Fearing a pogrom, they gathered at the synagogue. Suddenly, the rabbi came running up, and cried, “Wonderful news! The murdered girl was Jewish!”

Hitler decides to see a fortune teller, to find out about his death. She says, “You will die on… a Jewish holiday!” Hitler asks, “But what Jewish holiday, what day will I die on?” The gypsy says, “What do I know of that? Whatever day you die will be a Jewish holiday!”

What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza? Pizzas don't scream when you put them in the oven.

[edit]
Ethnic Jokes

Three men were discussing the feeling of true happiness. The first, the Englishman, said, “True happiness is when you have gotten up at five o'clock, taken in a hearty meal, gone out hunting with your best dogs, and spend the evening in front of the fire with your new stuffed prize.” The second man, the Frenchman, says with a slight sigh, “My friend, that is merely an adrenaline rush, no more. True happiness is to find your latest girlfriend, take her to a high-class restaurant, and end up spending a long, joy-filled night in bed with her.” The last man, the Russian, says with a laugh, “That, I'm sorry to tell you, is just a good time. True happiness is when, after another long day at the shoe factory, and receiving your rations after a two-hour wait in the line, you arrive at home, sit down in front of the broken heater, in the chair with the stuffing missing and a bad leg, and balance Mikhail, your sixth boy on your knee, and you hear a knock on the door—three men in ill-fitting green suits enter, and say, ‘Does Comrade Dmitri Grotzob live here?’ and you say ‘He lives on the third floor.’… that, friends is true happiness.”

In the bad old days of Stalinist Russia, a third-grade teacher was trying to give a vocabulary demonstration, and she asked the children “Can anyone tell me what a disaster is?” One child raised her hand. “Yes, Mary?” “If I dropped all the rations for the day, then that would be a disaster.” “No, that would just be an unfortunate accident. Tom?” “If my father was taken away by the Party for causing or participating in a riot, then that would be a disaster.” “No, Tom, that would be a tragedy. Sue?” “If Comrade Stalin were to be assassinated, that would be a disaster.” “Yes, it would be. How did you know?” “Well, it wouldn't be an accident, and it couldn't possibly be a tragedy…”

Six men, the only survivors of a shipwreck, land on a deserted island. In three months, the Italian has started a restaurant, the Russian has formed three political parties, the Jew has built an entire industry out of nothing, the German has drilled the natives into an army, the American has manufactured weapons for them… and the Englishman is waiting to be introduced.

One Scotsman informs a friend of the untimely demise of a third, who fell into, and subsequently drowned in, a vat of beer. The listener shakes his head with grief, saying, “Poor soul—he never had a chance.” The informer says, “Oh, yes, he did. He got out twice to go to the bathroom.”

A shipwrecked man is stumbling through the unknown forests, wondering what he will do with himself, when a distant voice calls out, “All right, you sonofabitch, get on your knees! If you've got an ace up your sleeve, I'm going to cut it out and make you eat it!” The shipwrecked man falls to his knees, and cries to the heavens, “Thank God, I'm in a Christian country!”

Three men, admiring a painting of the Garden of Eden, are wondering what nationality Adam and Eve are. The Englishman says, “They must be English. Look at them, admiring Nature in its purest form…” The Frenchman interrupts, “No, they are French. Look at them, naked and so beautiful.” The Russian scoffs, “You are both wrong! They are Russian. Look—no clothing, no shelter, only an apple for food… And they call this Paradise!”

It is said that when you tell an Englishman a joke, he laughs three times: once, when you tell it, to be polite, second, when you explain it, to be polite, and a third time, at eleven-thirty that night, when he understands it. When you tell a German a joke, he laughs twice: once, when you tell it, to be polite, and the second time, when you explain it, to be polite—he never gets it. When you tell a joke to an American, he laughs once: when you tell it—he gets it immediately. When you tell a joke to a Jew, he never laughs—he won't even let you finish telling it. Why not? Because “It's an old joke; I've heard it before (and told better)… Here, let me tell it, the way it's supposed to be told.”

Several different men, from different nations, are writing a book on the elephant. The German publishes a three-volume work, with onion-skin pages (and a free magnifying glass!), and thirty pages of references and footnotes, and titles it, “A Short Introduction to the Elephant.” The Frenchman publishes a slim, graceful novel, “The Elephant and His Love Life.” The Englishman publishes a thick, illustrated travel guide, “Hunting Elephants in Deepest Africa.” The American publishes an advertising brochure, “Raising Elephants For Fun and Profit.” The Jew writes up a fiery pamphlet, entitled “The Elephant and Anti-Semitism.”

Sandy MacTavish is cycling home from the bar, with a bottle of whisky in his pocket, when BANG he flies off the bike, and lands by the side of the road. Awakening, he feels something warm and sticky trickling down his leg, and groans, “Oh God, I hope that's blood!”

Sandy MacTavish is in the hospital, sinking fast, and asks, as a last wish, to hear the bagpipes once more, to ‘mount to Heaven on the skirl of the pipes.’ He is granted his request, and is soon better—in fact; he is able to leave the next morning! But the miracle doesn't end there—four Englishmen, who were in the same ward, who were only mildly sick, are now dying!

An Alabama schoolteacher is trying to widen horizons in the classroom, and asks the students to write what they think about other countries. Johnny returns a paper with the simple statement, “All foreigners are bastards.” The teacher is appalled, and stresses the benefits of French architecture, English literature, and a dozen other countries and their merits. Then she asks the students to write another essay about foreigners. Johnny's reads, “All foreigners are bastards. Some are cunning bastards.”

A Berliner is in Vienna, and stops to ask for directions. He grabs the lapel of a bystander, and shouts into his ear, “The post office! Where is it?” The Viennese gently detaches himself, and begins to say, “It might have been more polite to simply ask—” The Berliner groans, “I'd rather be lost!” and stomps off. A year later, the same Viennese is in Berlin, and needs directions. He asks a bystander politely, “Which way is it to the post office?” The man says, “Four blocks east, two blocks north, take the 7:15 train to the Eichwald, and then go down one block.” More bewildered then before, the Viennese stammers, “Um, thank you, I—” The Berliner shouts, “Never mind that! Repeat the instructions!”

Ed, from Minnesota, was taking a parachute lesson. The instructor's chute failed to open, and as Ed saw the instructor zoom past, he threw his own chute away, crying, “So you wanna race, huh?”

A Chinaman has just immigrated to the United States, and he goes to the bank, and exchanges 200 yuan for $75. The next day, he comes back, and exchanges 200 yuan… but he only gets $65.50. He cries out to the exchange man, “What is this? You shortchanged me! I got $75 yesterday, but today, I only got $65.50!” The man replies in a short, unfriendly tone, and enunciating each syllable clearly, “Fluc-tu-ation!” The Chinaman knocks him to the floor, and cries, “Fluck you, American!”
[edit]
Religious Jokes

[edit]
Jesus Christ

Once, while Jesus was preaching peace and an end of violence, a group of men came up, holding a woman between them. They told him that she had committed adultery, and demanded that Moses' law of stoning the adulterous be carried out. They were sure that they would catch him in the flaw of his own logic, but he said to the mob, “Let him among you without sin throw the first stone.” Grumbling and defeated, they were forced to leave. One middle-aged woman, however, remained behind. Hefting a stone in her hand, she killed the girl with one blow. Jesus turned to her wearily, and said, “Mom, sometimes you really piss me off.”

At the Last Supper, Jesus was feeling depressed. He looked sadly around the table—at Judas, who would betray him, at Peter, who would deny him, and at the others, knowing that they would all doubt him in some way before long. He knew that there was only one thing to do. He called over the head waiter, and said, “Max—separate checks.”

In an interview with the Virgin Mary, she revealed, in a ground-breaking revelation: “Well, we were really hoping that He'd become a doctor.”

Three World War Two veterans are approached by Jesus Christ, who has Risen again, and He asks them what they might want of Him. The first says, “Ever since the war, I've had a bad arm—where I was shot. Could You…” Jesus touches the man's arm, and he is healed. The next says, “When I was blinded by the smoke, I was so depressed. Could You…” Jesus touches the man's eyes, and he is cured. Jesus turns to the last man, who starts to squirm backwards, and he says, “Don't get near me! I've got a good pension on this leg!”

Christ is walking through Heaven when he sees one man who seems sad. He is sitting, carving something out of wood. Christ asks him, “Why are you so unhappy? You're in Heaven!” The man sighs, and says, “Well, I've just been looking for my son. He was such a good boy, I would have thought he'd be here. And he was so special. His birth was a miracle. And he's pretty easy to spot—he has nails in his hands and feet.” Jesus feels a tear in his eye, and cries, “Dad!” The old man squints at him, and says, “Pinocchio?”

A drunk stumbled onto a baptismal service being held on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He walked down into the water and stood next to the preacher. The preacher turned and noticed the wretched looking old man and said, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk looked at the preacher for a moment, then nodded and said, “Yes, preacher, I believe I am.” The preacher then dunked the fellow under the water and pulled him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” asked the preacher. “No, I didn't,” replied the drunk. The preacher then dunked the fellow under the water and held him for a few seconds longer before pulling him back up. “Have you found Jesus now, brother?” asked the preacher. “No, I did not, preacher,” replied the drunk. The preacher dunked the fellow a third time, holding him underwater for a full minute before pulling the drunk, sputtering and spitting water, back up. “Now, my good man, have you found Jesus?” cried the preacher. The drunk wiped the water out of his eyes and said, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

Did you hear that Easter was cancelled this year? They found the body…

Jesus Christ and St. Peter went down to Earth to play a little golf. They're on the fifth hole, and St. Peter suggests that Jesus tries the seven-iron. Jesus says, “Tiger Woods would use a five!” He uses a five, and promptly knocks the ball into the water. He walks across the water, and gets the ball. He comes back and tries again. Again, it goes into the water. This repeats over and over and over… until they've got a big crowd behind them. One man asks St. Peter, “Who's that nut think he is, Jesus Christ?” St. Peter replies, “No, He thinks He's Tiger Woods.”

[edit]
Afterlife

As Dante went through Hell, he talked to the inhabitants. One man said, “I was a rabbi who liked pork, and so I was sent here.” Another said “I was a priest who slept around, so I was condemned here…” One man stayed silent. Dante asked him, “Why are you here?” The man replied, “I am a Christian Scientist, this place is not hot, and I am not here.”

The minister had died two days ago. A man in his town was on vacation in the Caribbean, who sent a letter to his wife, asking her to join him. He accidentally sent it to the minister's widow. She fainted when she read it, for it said, “Dear honey, it sure is hot down here! I'm looking forward to seeing you in a day or two! Signed, your loving husband.”

At the Pearly Gates, a Hindu, a Russian, and a Jew are admitted. They are all given instructions towards their Heaven. First, the Hindu: “Room Three.” The Russian: “Room Seven, but be quiet as you pass Room Five.” The Jew is told: “Room Eighteen, but be quiet as you pass Room Five.” “Why?” he asks. “That's the Catholics Heaven, and they still think they're the only ones here.”

Mr. Hughes was sinful, but not very sinful, so when he died, the Recording Angel let him choose which hell he would go to. He was given two choices: the German hell, or the Italian hell. He asks the angel to describe the German hell. The angel says, “Half the time you can relax, play games, and sleep with beautiful women. The other half of the time, you will be tortured within an inch of your life.” He asks about the Italian hell. The angel says, “Half the time you can relax, play games, and sleep with beautiful women. The other half of the time, you will be tortured within an inch of your life.” “But what's the difference?” “Well,” says the angel, “There are small differences. For instance, in the German hell, the food, games, and girls are all of the German type, and in the Italian hell, the same things are of the Italian type.” Hughes ponders, and says, “But both countries are equally first class in these respects. Anything else?” The angel says, “Well, in the German hell, the tortures are in the usual German fashion, whereas in the—” “I'll take the Italian hell.”

A man dies, and wakes up to find himself in a palace, with a servant waiting on him. He is allowed to go anywhere, do anything, and spends his time playing in casinos (where he always wins) and sleeping with beautiful women. Eventually, however, he becomes bored with the routine, and says to his servant, “You know, I'm just sick of everything being so… perfect all the time. Could I try the other place for a while?” The servant asks, “What other place?” “Why, I mean Hell.” The servant replies, in consternation, “But sir… You are in Hell.” NOTE: I also saw this joke acted out (and done very well, I might—what the hell, you can't stop me—I will add) as an episode of The Twilight Zone (Under the very appropriate title “A Nice Place to Visit.”)

[edit]
The Church/Priests

A priest, noticing that his bicycle is missing, believes it to be another priest. Asking the bishop about what to do, he is told to try reading the Ten Commandments aloud to them, and look around when he gets to ‘Thou shalt not steal.’ The bishop asks on their next meeting, “How did my idea work?” The priest replies, “Well, when I got to number seven, I remembered where I left my bike.”

A priest, living alone with a housemaid, is visited by the bishop. The bishop, seeing the girl's figure, asks him about their relationship. The priest replies heatedly that it is merely platonic. A few weeks after the bishop leaves, the maid asks him if he saw the silver gravy ladle, and her suspicions that the bishop took it. The priest sends the bishop a letter: “I'm not saying that you ‘did’ take our gravy ladle, and I'm not saying that you ‘did not’ take our gravy ladle, but the fact remains that it has been missing since your visit.” The bishop replies: “I'm not saying that you ‘do’ sleep with the maid, and I'm not saying that you ‘do not’ sleep with the maid, but the fact remains that if she were in her own bed, she'd have found the ladle by now.”

The priest, visiting a man on his deathbed, noticed that the man was in spasms, and could not speak. Handing him a piece of paper, the priest watched him write out a sentence, and then expire. Folding the paper, he went out to tell the family. He said, “These are his last words, as he wrote them a moment ago.” And he read, “You're standing on my oxygen cord!”

A drunk wanders into a church, and goes into a confessional to go to the bathroom. When he is finished, he hears a voice coming from one stall over, “Can I do anything for you, my son?” The drunk asks, “Is there any paper on your side?”

KFC was having a bad season, so Colonel Sanders came up with a great idea. He asked the pope, “For $60,000, would you change the prayer ‘We thank Thee Lord for our daily bread,’ to ‘We thank Thee Lord for our daily chicken.’?” The pope violently refuses. After a month, Sanders comes back, raising the price to $78,000. He is still refused. A month and a half later, in desperation, he makes a last plea, for $93,000,000. He is told to wait. The pope calls a meeting of the cardinals, and explains, “The good news is that we're gonna get $93,000,000. The bad news is that we're gonna lose the Wonder Bread account.”

[edit]
Belief

A man is trying to fix the wheel of his car, and is cursing a blue streak at the hubcap, which won't come off. A passing minister suggests that he pray. The man, in a fell temper, asks him how. The minister demonstrates, and the man tries it. Immediately, the hubcap falls off. The minister whistles through his teeth in surprise, and says with amazement, “Well, I'll be damned.”

Marcus Porcius Cato was a Roman statesman with a very cynical view of religion. He once remarked that he wondered ‘how one augur can pass another without laughing.’

Mr. Brown, upon ending his stay in a Catholic hospital, is asked how he will pay for his treatment. “I have nothing, really—not even any family. Oh, wait; I have one sister who's a spinster, a nun in a convent—” The Sister who he's talking to replies icily that nuns are not spinsters; they are the brides of Christ. “Oh! In that case, charge it to my brother-in-law.”

In school, a teacher asked a student, “Why did the Puritans come to America?” The student replied, “So that they could worship God in their own way, and force everyone else to do it the same way.”

A dying man, a confirmed agnostic, was lectured to by a minister, who said, “Do you know who it was who suffered for you on the Cross?” The man said with a sigh, “Is this any time for riddles?”

Little Johnny is drawing something on a piece of paper. His mother says, “What are you drawing?” He replies, “I'm drawing God.” His mother says, “But Johnny, no-one knows what God looks like.” Johnny says firmly, “They will once I'm done.”

An atheist is swimming, and sees a giant shark about to eat him. He cries out, “God! please do something!” Suddenly, everything freezes, and a voice comes from the Heavens, “YOU NEVER BELIEVED IN ME—WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?” The man replies, “Can you give the shark some religion?” Suddenly, everything begins to move… But the shark has stopped attacking, and its head is bowed in prayer! The man says, “It's amazing, that an animal can become so religious!” The shark says, “Shut up, I'm saying Grace!”

One day, a young man came up to my door, knocked on it, and rang the doorbell. I went to the door, opened it, and he said quickly, “Did you know that Jehovah is coming and could I have five minutes of your time?” I invited him in, and we sat down in the living room. After a pause, I asked “What now?” He scratched his head, and said, “I dunno. This is the farthest I've ever gotten.”

[edit]
Other Bible Stuff

Moses, after descending Mount Sinai for the third time, told the people, “The good news is that I've gotten the list down to ten. The bad news is that adultery is still in.”

How Exodus is explained today: The great Hebrew general, Moses, was forced into a strategic withdrawal from Egypt. The Egyptians had the weight of tanks on their side, and Moses, taking casualties, was forced to move towards the Red Sea. Calling for air cover, he hastily threw a pontoon bridge across, and managed to escape the pursuing army.

[edit]
Preachery

A man, sitting in an outside bar, is attacked by a nun, lecturing on the evils of drink. Suddenly, he says, “Sister, have you ever tried alcohol?” “Of course not—I'm a nun!” “Listen… if I get you a drink, and you still call alcohol evil, I'll never touch another drop.” “But I can't be seen drinking alcohol!” “Alright, I'll get it for you in a teacup.” Inside, the man says, “One beer, and a Bloody Mary… and could you put the Bloody Mary in a teacup?” And the bartender groans, “Don't tell me it's that goddamned nun again!”

A preacher is denouncing various sins, and after each speech, one woman takes a sniff of her nose-powders, and gives a loud “A-a-a-men!”. The preacher, finally fed up with this interruption, says, “I should also mention one disgusting habit which people have taken to—inhaling!” The woman says loudly to her neighbor, “First he was preaching—now he's just being nosy.”

A woman, fed up with her husband having slept through most of the past sermons in church, took out a hatpin, and, when he began to doze off, stuck him with it. Just then, the preacher asked, “Who is He who has created us all?” The man jumps up in pain, crying, “My God!” The next time he begins to doze, and she sticks the pin in him, the preacher is asking, “Who has suffered upon the Cross for me?” The husband cries, “Jesus Christ!” Again, he begins to fall asleep, and his wife sticks the pin in him. The preacher is asking, “And what did Eve say to Adam when she found that she was pregnant with Abel?” And the husband roars at his wife, “I swear, if you stick that thing in me again, I am going to break your neck!”

A preacher is visiting his parishioners, and comes to a home which seems to be empty, but upon listening, he hears noises inside. He leaves his business card, with ‘Revelations 3:20’ written on the back. The next day, he finds in the collection plate, his card, with ‘Genesis 3:10’ written under it. A note for anyone in the dark: Revelation 3:20 reads: “Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If any man hear my voice, and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.” Genesis 3:10 reads: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked.”

In the middle of the sermon, old Mr. Lerner gets up, crying hoarsely up at the ceiling, and falls down upon his face. Some people move to pick him up, but the preacher says, “Grandfather is praying in his own way.” It turns out grandfather was having a heart attack.

[edit]
Bawdy/'Sick' Jokes

[edit]
Marriage

A woman, giving birth, was offered a new sort of technology—to transmit some of the pain to the father. Nervously, her husband sat down in the chair, and was surprised to feel no pain. The doctor adjusted the meter up to ten, with no ill effects, and the woman had no pain whatever. They proclaimed it a miracle. The next day, when the husband got home, he found the postman dead on the porch.

Playing golf with a new partner, the two men got to discussing their businesses. The other proclaimed himself an assassin, and proved the point by taking a rifle from his golf bag. The first man looked all around… and saw his wife and best friend sitting naked on the back porch. “How much does each shot cost?” he asked the assassin. “$100 a shot.” “Alright, I want you to shoot my lousy bitch of a wife in the mouth for lying to me, and that other guy right between the legs for fooling around with my wife. The assassin took aim… and waited. Finally, the man said, ”What's taking so long?“ ”I'm about to save you a hundred dollars.“

A young Chinese couple, after their first affair, lie back on the bed. The man says, ”What I'd really like now is some sixty-nine.“ The woman says, ”Are you crazy? You want me to get up, get dressed, and make broccoli and rice for you?“

A divorced couple met again at a party. The man realized that he didn't feel as bitter at his ex-wife as he remembered. He suggested that they go home together, and spend one more night together to honor old times. She replies contemptuously, ”Over my dead body!“ He sighs, and says, ”Things haven't really changed, have they?“

After a life of mediocrity, an accountant decides to leave his wife. His note to her reads, ”Diane, I am 54, and have never done anything interesting in my life, but I have decided to elope with a stunning, 18-year old model. We'll be at the Savoy.“ When he arrives, he finds a note from his wife, reading, ”Clive, I am also 54, and have decided to follow your example, and move in with an 18-year old model. We'll be at the Royal. But, as an accountant, I think you might appreciate this little figure of mine: 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes into 18…“

A man asks his wife, ”Marcie, we've been married for twenty years now. I just want to know, have you ever cheated on me?“ She confesses, ”Well, Frank… Yes. But only three times.“ ”When?“ ”Well, remember when you wanted that promotion at work, and you invited the boss over for dinner…“ ”You slept with my boss, so I could get the promotion? That's wonderful, honey! What was the second time?“ ”Remember when you had that broken leg, and Dr. Phillips made a special house call, even though we didn't know if we could pay him…“ ”You slept with the doctor so I could get my leg fixed? That's great, honey! But what was the third time?“ ”Remember when you really wanted to be president of the checkers club, and you were fifty-two votes short…“

A man stumbles home drunk, and is mounting the steps, when his wife's lover decides that he should try to run. The wife grabs him, whispering, ”Don't worry! He's so drunk, he won't even notice you!“ The husband gets into bed, and lies down. But, looking down, he sees six feet at the end of the bed, and says so to his wife. She says, ”Nonsense, you're just drunk. Besides, you'll have a better view from the end of the bed. Get out and count from there.“ He gets up, walks over, and counts, ”One, two, three, four… Oh yes, you're right.“

A man comes home early from work to find his wife having some sort of seizure on the bed. He is about to run for a doctor when his boy says, ”Daddy, there's a naked man in the closet.“ He opens the door, and finds his best friend, Tom. He cries out, ”Tom! How could you? Julie's having a heart attack, and here's you playing games with the kids!“

A man comes into his apartment with the latest gossip, saying to his wife, ”They're saying our janitor has slept with every woman in this apartment block except for one!“ The wife replies, ”Oh, that must be the girl in 36—nobody likes her.“

A man on a date is having a bit of fun with the girl in the back seat on a quiet road. But she wants him to go on for three repeats, and he needs to get out for a rest. While he's resting, he notices a man a bit up the road, trying to fix a tire. He says, ”Listen, I've got a girl in the car who needs some affection. I'll do your tire if you can wear her out for a minute.“ The man agrees, and gets into the car. A minute later, a cop comes up, shines a flashlight into the car, and asks the man what he's doing. He replies, ”I'm just fooling around with my wife.“ The cop says, ”Can't you do that at home?“ The man says, ”Actually, officer, I didn't know it was her until you shone the light on her!"

[edit]
Children/School/Coming-of-Age

In middle school sex education for girls, the teacher finished by saying, “And remember: when being importuned by a man, ask yourself, ‘Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?’ Now, are there any questions?” One girl raised her hand, and asked, “How do you make it last an hour?”

During lunch break at the college, one young man told his friend, “I finally got my girl to say that little word—'yes'.” The friend says, “Wonderful! When's the wedding?” The first replied, “What wedding?”

A farm girl, having brought her bull over to mate with the neighbors' cow, is watching the process with a male farmhand. The boy says to the girl, “Watching that just makes me itch to do the same thing.” The girl says indifferently, “Go ahead, it's your cow.”

Two professors are discussing their classes, and the students. Professor Jameson, the Physics professor, says, “Well, you know, I had one very strange experience. There was one girl, exceptionally beautiful, but not a great student. She came to me, near the end of the term, and said, in a very suggestive way, that she was willing to do anything for an A. Naturally, I gave her an F—her grades were terrible, anyway.” The other (Professor Pomesbury, of Biology) said, “How strange! I had the same experience, and gave the same response.” They decide to check her grades, to see if this is consistent throughout all her classes. And in almost every class, she gets an F. The one class which she got an A in was Professor Farthing's class in Professional Ethics.

Three French children, ages six, seven, and eight, are playing in the street. One, the six-year old, sees something happening in an alley, and calls the others over, crying, “A man and a woman are fighting in the alley!” The seven-year old explains to the younger boy just what they are doing. The eight-year old remarks critically, “And badly.”

In the first grade class, the teacher has brought in a bowl of fruit, and is asking the class to guess which ones she is describing. First, she says, “Alright… this one is round, has hair on it, and has sweet juice inside.” Johnny raises his hand, but the teacher (with a full record of his long history of inappropriate comments) ignores him, calling on Suzie, who answers, “A peach.” The teacher says, “No, it's a kiwi, but I like your thinking.” Then, she says, “Okay, this next one is long, hard, and it feels good in your mouth.” Johnny raises his hands, and is ignored—again, Suzie is picked to answer. She says, “A banana.” The teacher replies, “No, it was a cucumber, but I like your thinking.” At this point, Johnny stands up, puts his hand in his pocket, and says, “Teacher, I have one for you. It's something I've got in my pocket. It's round, hard, and it has a head on it.” The teacher says, “That's disgusting!” Johnny replies, “No, it's a quarter, but I like your thinking.”

On the last day of school, the teacher decides to give the students a chance at early dismissal. She will ask questions about the U.S, presidents, and the student who answers right can go. First, she asks, “Who said, ‘Four score and seven years ago,’?” Johnny is about to raise his hand, when Helen says, “Abe Lincoln,” and is allowed out. He is, of course, annoyed at this. Then, the teacher asks, “Who said, ‘Ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country,’?” Johnny is about to answer, when Jane says, “JFK,” and is dismissed.“ Now, he is really mad, and when the teacher's back is turned, he lets it simmer over, and says, ”I wish those bitches had kept their mouths shut!“ The teacher whirls around, and says, ”Who said that?“ Johnny says, ”Bill Clinton. Can I go now?“

A young man walks into a bar, and says to the bartender, ”I want six shots of vodka, straight up.“ The bartender says to him, ”Are you celebrating something?“ ”Yes, my first blow job.“ The bartender says, ”Here, I'll give you one more… On the house!“ The man says, ”No thanks. If six doesn't get rid of the taste, nothing will!“

In school, the children are drawing exciting things on the chalkboard. But when Johnny gets up, he makes a single dot, and begins to go back to his seat, when the teacher asks him to explain what it is. Johnny says, ”It's a period.“ The teacher asks in puzzlement, ”What's so exciting about a period?“ Johnny scratches his head, and says, ”I dunno, but yesterday, when my sister said she missed one, my dad had a heart attack, my mom fainted, and the guy next door shot himself.“

An old lady asks the doctor for birth control pills. The doctor asks, why. She says they help her sleep better at night. He asks why. She replies, ”I put ‘em in my granddaughter’s orange juice. That way I can sleep better at night.“

A man meets his girlfriend at the movies, and she tells him, ”We've got to split up.“ ”Split up?“ he asks. ”Why?“ ”My friends say you're a pedophile.“ ”Pedophile? That's a big word for a seven-year-old."

[edit]
Awkward Situations

In biology class, the professor says to his first student: “Miss White, what part of the human body, under the proper conditions, will expand to six times its normal size?” She responds, fiercely: “Doctor, that is disgusting, and I will complain to the school about this!” He calmly turns to the next student: “Miss Brown, can you give the answer?” She answers promptly: “The pupil of the human eye, in dark light.” Turning to the reddening Miss White, the professor says: “I have only three things to tell you, Miss White; first, you have been neglecting your studies, second, you have a dirty mind, and third, some day you will have a very big disappointment.”

Edward, the family hopeful, having left to become a mortician, comes back for Christmas. As he senses the awkward silence about his experiences, he tells the group: “It's really not a bad job—there are lots of important things that we have to deal with. For instance, just a week ago, we had a call from an important hotel: a couple of lovebirds from two warring and high social class families had been forbidden to marry, and entered a suicide pact: they did a Romeo-and-Juliet in their rented apartment, in the hotel that I mentioned earlier. In this delicate situation, we had to be very tactful. Mr. DePinna, the head of our establishment, who is the living embodiment of the grace and courtesy so intimately involved with our work, made sure to be well-dressed and proper for the job: he dressed in sober, well-fitting garb—from his severely cut jacket, his dove-gray gloves, and his Homburg. He carried with him his best, jet-black walking stick, with the ivory ferrule, oh what a fine sight he made! In the bed, when entered the room, lay the two lovelorn creatures—quite nude, glorious with youthful beauty. The man seemed an Apollo, and the girl a Venus. Their death was so gentle that their cheeks were still flushed with life, lips parted, as though ready to speak. At the sight, I was close to tears, and even stern Mr. DePinna seemed a bit moist at the eyes. There was just one trouble—” Edward paused, for breath, and in reflection. The audience, as one, cried out “What next?” Edward said, “They were clasped so tightly in each other's arms, that I was afraid at the thought of the forces required to separate them. Mr. DePinna, in a stroke of genius, found a way to get them apart. Leaning forward, he inserted his walking stick to a certain angle. At the precise angle, fixed to a nicety, he wrenched the two young bodies apart, and they fell, separated, onto the bed, with a moist, slapping sound.” As Edward took a breath, his father cried out: “That solved it, then?” “Well…” replied Edward, “Not quite. As it turned out, we were in the wrong room.”

In the middle of a party, a man asks a girl for the time. She says, quite loudly “I will not do that for you, you disgusting—” “Miss, I just wanted to know—” “GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU PERVERT!” she shouts. He runs off, and gets a drink. At the bar, the girl comes up to him and says, “I'm sorry about that, but I'm a psychology major, and I'm doing tests on the reactions of people in sudden, violent situations.” He stares at her, and then says, in a booming voice: “YOU'D DO ALL THAT FOR ME ALL NIGHT LONG FOR JUST THREE DOLLARS?”

An American, visiting French relatives, asked one of his friends, “Pierre, what is sang froid? I know it means, literally, cold blood, but how is it used?” Pierre says, “My friend, sang froid is… well, for example, imagine that you get home early from a business trip, and find your wife in bed with another man, and you say ‘Pardon me for intruding,’ and leave, than you have sang froid.” Another Frenchman, who overheard the conversation, interrupts, saying, “Friend Pierre, that is merely tact. To imagine the same situation… if you were to say ‘I’m sorry for intruding, please continue,' then you have sang froid.” Yet another Frenchman says, “Jacques, you should know that that is only good manners. Imagine the situation again. If, saying ‘Please continue,’ and the fellow in the bed can continue, then he has sang froid.”

[This next joke must have at least one girl in the audience.]. God, looking down from Heaven, felt depressed. “All this sexual immorality,” he mused angrily, “It's disgusting.” Mulling the thought over, he decided to give a special watch, suitably inscribed, to anybody who had not committed a sexually immoral act. [Then, to the girl in the audience] And do you know what it said on it? [The inevitable answer: "No,"] Hah! So you didn't get one either!

Farmer Joe is found by his partner Silas in the local bar, drinking to no end. Asked why, he explains, “This morning, I was milking my cow, and just as I finished, it kicked the bucket over with its left foot.” “Bad luck!” says the friend. “Some things you just can't explain… So I tied up the leg, and did it again… but just as I finished, the cow knocked it over with its right foot.” “Worse!” “Some things you just can't explain… So I tied up that leg… and then, just as I finished doing it again, it flicked the bucket over with its tail. Since I didn't have more rope, I tied it to the rafter with my belt. At the same moment, my pants fell down, the cow started mooing, and my wife came in.” Dropping his head onto the bar, he mumbled, “Some things you just can't explain…”

A man, crossing a bridge, notices another man about to jump off. He grabs him, and says, “Now, why would you want to do a thing like that?” The man cries out, “I can't take it any more! I designed the bridge that we're sitting on, but do people say, ‘There goes Abe, the bridge-builder,’? No! I helped to design some of the buildings in this city—some of them are the tallest for miles around! For all I know, you might live in one of them. But do people say, ‘There goes Abe, the great architect,’? No! I run a newspaper, the Daily Times— the one you have under your arm right now— working day and night as the editor… But do people say, ‘There goes Abe, the editor of the Daily Times’? No! But suck one little cock…”

An artist has arranged to have a model come over for a painting, but doesn't feel well. The model is kind, and gets him a glass of tea. Just then, a key is heard in the lock. The artist cries, “My wife! Quick, take off all your clothes and stand in the middle of the room!”

A man is frequently late for work, and seems very out-of-whack. The manager takes him aside, and asks him if there's a problem, if he's feeling a bit odd. The man replies, “To be quite honest, I think I'm very sick.” The boss asks, of course, “So, uh, how do you feel sick?” The man says, “Well, it's like this: every night I go over to my brother-in-law's house, to say hello. But he isn't there. So I end up saying hello, and really getting it on with, my sister.” The boss cries in disgust, “You fuck your own sister!?” The man says heatedly, “I told you I was sick!”

Why is American beer like making love in a canoe? They're both fucking close to water.

How can you tell if there's a blind man in a nudist colony? It's not hard…

Mr. Moskowitz, asking the doctor for the results of his wife's testing, was told that there had been two Sadie Moskowitzes, and that the result was either positive for Alzheimer's, or positive for A.I.D.S. The doctor's advice was, “Leave her on a street corner in the city. If she finds her way home, don't sleep with her.”

At a job interview, a very good prospective employee has a noticeable eye tic. The interviewer asks him if he can control that at all. “Sure,” says the man. “All it takes is a couple aspirins.” He digs into his pockets, and comes up with a bunch of condoms, followed by a bottle of aspirin. The interviewer asks him, “Excuse me, I just want to know… Are you happily married?” The man says he is. Then the interviewer asks him, “Well, then, why do you have all those condoms? I mean, we want to promote a good family image here, and—” The man sighs, then replies, “Mister, have you ever tried going into a pharmacy, winking like crazy, and ask for a bottle of aspirin?”

A boy is about to take his girlfriend out for a date, so he goes to the pharmacy and gets a condom. While he's there, the pharmacist starts chatting with him, and he gives him a few tips. The boy thanks him and leaves to go and change before the date. When he goes to the girl's house, they're having dinner, and she calls to him from the doorway to join them. When they get there, he looks around at the table, the food, her parents, and takes everything in. then, they sit and say grace. But when, after a few minutes, the boy's head is still bowed in prayer, the girl whispers to him, “I had no idea you were so religious!” The boy whispers back, “And I had no idea your father was a pharmacist!”

[edit]
Piousness

On the subway, a priest is alarmed to note a drunken man, with lipstick on his face, and a bottle sticking out of his pocket, sit down next to him. The drunk is reading a newspaper, and stops to ask the priest, “What causes arthritis?” The priest replies harshly, “Drinking, smoking, gambling, associating with loose women, and a general contempt for one's fellow man!” The man says, horrified, “Gee, that's terrible…” The priest, feeling ashamed, says, “I'm sorry that I came on so hard just now. How long have you had arthritis for?” “Oh,” says the man, “I don't. I was just reading here that the Pope does.”

At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter meets Hugh Hefner and Brittany Spears. He said to them: “Because of how you influenced people away from Heaven on Earth, you must pass a test: there is a tunnel here, and you must walk through it without thinking an impure thought. Hugh Hefner began walking it, and St. Peter whispered something into his ear. Screaming, he fell down to Hell. Brittany Spears began walking, and St. Peter whispered something into her ear—and St. Peter fell down to Hell!

One day, when Tommy got home early from school, he went to see his mother. As he got there, he saw a strange man going into her closet, and followed him. Just as he shut the door, his father came in. Inside the closet, Tommy whispered to the man, ”It sure is dark in here… I might scream.“ The man, pleading with him, gives him ten dollars to be quiet. Later, Tommy says again, ”It sure is dark in here… I might scream.“ Again, the man gives him ten dollars to be quiet. Within two minutes, Tommy repeats, ”It sure is dark in here… I might scream.“ This time, the man gives him twenty dollars. Soon after, the father leaves the room, and the man leaves. The next day, while shopping, Tommy points out a toy he wants. His mother says that it is too expensive, but Tommy says that he has the money, and he shows it to her. When he won't tell her where he got it, she brings him to confession. Inside the confessional, he says nervously, ”It sure is dark in here…“ and the priest says, ”Now don't start that again!“

Three priests are being tested for their vow of celibacy. They are standing, naked, in the center of a room. A bell is attached to each man, between the legs. The head priest is standing, watching. A belly-dancer comes in, and walks up to the first man. Ting-a-ling! goes the bell. The head priest says, ”Jeremy! I'm ashamed of you! Go take a shower.“ The belly-dancer moves on to the second man. She starts to caress him, and— Ting-a-ling! goes the bell. The head priest says, ”Mark! I'm ashamed of you! Go take a shower with Jeremy.“ The belly-dancer goes to the third man. Despite everything she does, she cannot raise a jingle. The head priest says, ”Patrick! I'm proud of you! Go take a shower with Jeremy and Mark.“ Ting-a-ling!

A priest enters a party which is, much to his surprise and disgust, taking part in a game where all the women are blindfolded, and all the men have their pants down. The women are feeling the men, and calling out who they think it is. The priest hastily excuses himself, saying to the host, ”I don't think it's the kind of place for me.“ The host says jovially, ”Oh, no—you'd be fine. Besides, your name's been called three times already.“

A priest and a nun are driving to a religious meeting. Partway there, their car breaks down, and they must spend the night in a motel. There is only one room, and they must share it. The priest insists on letting the nun take the bed, while he sleeps on the couch. At about nine o'clock, the priest is almost asleep, when he hears the nun, calling, ”Father, oh, it's so cold! Would you please get me another blanket?“ He gets up, and gets her the blanket. At ten o'clock, he is really settling down, when she calls, ”Oh, father, I am still so cold. Would you get me another blanket?“ Grumbling, he does so. At eleven o'clock, he hears her call again, ”Oh, father, it is so bitterly cold… do you think God would mind if, just for tonight, we acted as man and wife?“ The priest says, ”All right, we'll do that.“ He gets up and moves into bed next to the nun, rips off the bedsheets, and shouts into her ear, ”Get up and get your own goddamn blanket!“

A man, flying to Italy, realizes that the man next to him is none other than the Pope, who is doing a crossword puzzle. Being a bit of a crossword puzzle master, he is hoping for a chance to help the Pope in his crossword. Finally, the Pope asks him: ”What is a four-letter word for a woman that ends in U-N-T?“ The man can think of one, but is horrified at the idea of saying a word like that in front of the Pope, so he says, instead: ”Oh, you must mean ‘aunt’.“ The Pope says, ”Oh, of course… do you happen to have an eraser?“

An Irish girl has left home to make her way in the world, and soon is sending lots of money home to her family. After a few years, she goes for a visit home. She tells her father sorrowfully, ”Papa, I just need to tell you, I'm so ashamed… To get work, I had to become a prostitute!“ He cries out, and falls down to the floor, bringing everyone in. When her father has been put into his bed, she is sitting by it with her mother, watching him. He is mumbling in broken tones, ”Oh, you've killed me… killed me by the shame of what you've become…“ Her mother asks her what she did, and she sobs, ”I just had to be a bit of a whore to get some cash…“ Hearing this, her father jerks upright, and smiles at her. He says, ”Oh, my darling, I misunderstood you. I thought you said ‘protestant’!“

Rabbi Ginsberg and Father O'Brien are discussing the recent rapings of children by a priest. In the course of the argument, the priest cries out, ”Silly rabbi! Dicks are for kids!“ (Note: I actually made this one up on my own)

At an interfaith gathering, three men of separate religions are discussing their families. The Jew says, ”I've got five boys. One more and I'd have a soccer team!“ The Christian says, ”I've got ten kids. One more and I'd have a baseball team!“ The Mormon says, ”I've got seventeen wives. One more and I'd have a golf course!"

[edit]
Bill Clinton

What's the difference between JFK and Bill Clinton? One had his head blown off, and the other was assassinated.

One day, as Bill Clinton was looking out at the snow-coated White House lawn, he saw, that, written in urine, were the words, ‘THE PRESIDENT MUST DIE!’ He immediately called in the Secret Service, who took samples, and gave him the reply. The agent said, “Sir, we have bad news and very bad news.” “Give me the bad first,” sighed Clinton. “It was Al Gore's urine.” “Oh no! Betrayed by my own VP! What could be worse?” “It's in Hilary's handwriting.”

Once, Al Gore was asking Bill Clinton about the question of premarital sex. “I never slept with my wife before I married her. What about you, Bill?” “I dunno… what was Tipper's maiden name?”

At a political meeting, Presidents Bush, Hussein, and Clinton were whisked into the Land of Oz. They determined to go to the Wizard together, to see if he could solve their problems. Bush said, “Maybe the Wizard can get me a brain,” Saddam said, “Maybe the Wizard can get me a heart,” Clinton asked, “Where's Dorothy?”

On a business trip, Hilary Clinton discovered she was pregnant. Furiously, she called her husband, and shouted into the phone, “You bastard! You got me pregnant!” Clinton answered, “I'm sorry, who is this?”

A secretary approached President Clinton, and said to him, “Mr. President, about this Abortion Bill…” “Oh that old thing,” said Clinton with a sigh, “Just pay it, will you?”

While the Clintons were on a trip, their parrot died. Desperately, the housekeeper searched for a replacement. Finally, she found one. The pet store owner said, “It once belonged to a house of ill repute, and it's ruined three owners since.” But the woman bought it anyway. The morning that the Clintons returned, they went through the living room. As Hilary entered, the bird squawked, “Too old!” As Chelsea entered, it said, “Too young!” As Clinton came in, it said, “Hi, Bill…”

[edit]
Health Issues

A soldier, in Vietnam, was going through a checkup. The doctor asked him, “So, how long has it been since your last sexual contact with a woman?” The soldier answered promptly, “1955.” The doctor, surprised, said, “Isn't that a bit of a long time?” The soldier, checking his watch, said, “Not that long. It's only 1104 right now.”

The doctor said to his patient after the examination, “Mrs. Brown, I have some good news for you.” She replies, “I'm happy to hear that, doctor, but I'm Miss Brown.” The doctor replies, “Miss Brown, I have some bad news for you.”

A man who wasn't feeling well went to the doctor, where a urine sample was taken for the ‘Miracle-cure 2038’, a new machine that could tell any problem from a simple urine sample. The card said ‘Tennis elbow—rest, no heavy lifting or pulling, etc.’ Despite the man's protests, he was diagnosed with tennis elbow. Determined to beat the machine, he went home and got a urine sample from his wife, daughter, and the family dog, a gas sample from his car, and masturbated into the tube himself. The next day, the machine's card came out saying: ‘Your wife is pregnant by the milk man—get a lawyer. Your daughter’s on cocaine—put her in rehab. Your dog has an intestinal disease—get him to the vet. Your car runs on cheap gas. And now we know why you have the tennis elbow.'

A gynecologist is beginning to have unethical thoughts about one of his charges, and begins to rub his hands over her inner thighs. He asks her if she knows what he is doing, and she says, “Yes, you're checking for any abrasions or bruises.” He says, “That's right.” Then, he begins to fondle her breasts, and asks her if she knows what he is doing, and she says, “Yes, you're checking to see if there are any muscle problems.” He says, “That's right.” Then, he begins to have sex with her, and says, “Do you know what I'm doing?” She responds, “Yes, you're getting herpes.”

Robert Perrot is a prominent doctor, and is lying back, troubled, in bed. He looks over at his patient, who he has been having an affair with for two months now. He thinks to himself, this isn't that bad—lots of doctors have affairs with their patients. But another voice keeps saying to him, Robert, you're a vet!

What's the difference between herpes and true love? Herpes is forever.

While playing a game of golf, one man follows his ball into the rough. A snake jumps up, and bites him right between the legs. His partner, seeing the wound, jumps into the golfcar and rushes to the clubhouse, looking for the doctor. He isn't in, so they call a doctor over the phone, and explain the situation. He says, “Alright, now. Do you know where the bite is?” “Yes.” “Fine. Now, you must suck the poison out through the wound, and spit it out on the ground. If you don't do this, your friend will die.” Rushing back to his friend, the man sees that things have been getting worse. His friend whispers, with an effort, “What did the doctor say?” The man says, “He said you're gonna die.”

[edit]
Women

What's the difference between a whore and a bitch? The whore sleeps with everyone at the party; the bitch sleeps with everyone at the party but you.

Never trust a woman. How can you trust something which bleeds for a week and doesn't die?

An office building is taken in by a terrorist group, who tell all the people to strip and lie facedown on the floor. One gorgeous, but rather empty-headed girl, however, lay down on her back. The woman next to her whispered fiercely, “Donna, this is a holdup, not the Christmas party!”

On a flight, the pilot made an announcement, but forgot to turn the intercom off. He said (with it booming over the speaker system), “Great, now all I need is a blow job and a cup of joe!” A flight attendant begins to hurry up, to warn him that it's still on, and a passenger calls out, “He wanted coffee, too!”

[edit]
Sick Jokes

There are also the ‘Dead Baby Jokes’. A bit sick, but they're still funny. Here are a few:

Q: What do you get when you slice up a dead babies skull with a razor blade? A: I don't know about you, but I get an erection.
Q: What is the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies? A: I don't have a Porsche in my garage.
Q: What's worse than ten dead babies in a trash can? A: One dead baby in ten trash cans.
Q: What's twelve inches long, stiff as a board, and keeps a housewife up all night screaming? A: Crib death.
Q: How do you get 100 dead babies into a telephone booth? A: With a blender.
Q: How do you place the babies in the blender? A: Feet first. That way, you can see the look on its face!
Q: What's better than tying a baby to a ceiling fan and watching it spin? A: Stopping it with a shovel.
Q: What's blue and orange and sits at the bottom of the swimming pool? A: A baby with slashed Floaties.
Q: What's red and orange and sits at the top of the swimming pool? A: Floaties with a slashed baby.
Q: How do you make a dead baby float? A: Take your foot off its head. A2: Two cups root beer, two scoops ice cream, one scoop dead baby.
Q: What's worse than a dead baby in a trash can lid? A: A trash can lid in a dead baby.
Q: What's funnier than a dead baby? A: A dead baby in a clown suit!
Q: What's red, bubbly and taps on the window? A: A baby in a microwave.
Q: What's fun? A: Nailing a baby to the wall.
Q: What's more fun? A: Ripping the baby off.
Q: What's red, white, and blue and swings through the air? A: A dead baby with a noose around its neck… and a meat hook through it.

Tommy and Billy are going through their Christmas gifts. Tommy counts them, and says, “Ha ha! I've got sixty five, and you've only got three!” Billy says, “Ha ha! I don't have cancer!”

What did Helen Keller's mother do to her when she was bad? Rearrange the furniture.
A
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Abraham Lincoln
Abraham Lincoln who?
Don't you know me?
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Thomas Jefferson
Thomas Jefferson who?
Was Abe Lincoln just here?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Atch.
Atch who?
Bless you!

Knock knock
who's there?
Albert
Albert who?
Albert its my sister
Knock, knock
Who's there?
Amos
Amos who?
Amos quito!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Amy
Amy who?
Just you Amy!
[edit]
B
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Boo.
Boo who?
Don't cry,it's just a joke!

Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Orange.
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?
[edit]
C
Knock, knock.
Who's there ?
Canteloupe.
Canteloupe who ?
You canteloupe unless your honeydo too !

Knock, knock !
Who's there ?
Canoe.
Canoe who ?
Canoe come out an play ?
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Control freak. Now–you say, “Control freak WHO?”

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Cow goes.
Cow goes who?
No, cow goes moo!
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Cow that interrupts people
Cow that interr…
Moo!
[edit]
D
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Dwayne.
Dwayne who?
Dwayne the bathtub, I'm dwowning!
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Doctor.
Doctor who?
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Death.
Death whoooooghhhhh.
[edit]
E
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Euripides
Euripides who?
Euripides, Eumenides!
[edit]
F
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Former
Former who?
(begin disco dancing) Former dancing king!
[edit]
G
Knock, Knock
who is there?
Garnet
Garnet who?
sorry!!! Garments
OHHH!!!!! Garments fine come
(sure that would be a LADY)

Knock knock
Who's there?
Gestapo
Gestapo who?
Ve ask ze questions here!
[edit]
H
Knock knock.
Who's there?
I am.
I am who?
I am who-dini (Houdini) get me the heck outta this box!
[edit]
I
Knock, Knock
Who's th-
Interrupting Git!
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Isabelle.
Isabelle who?
Isabelle necessary on a bicycle.
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Cow.
Interrupting Co–
Moo!
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Interrupting Coefficient of Friction.
Interrupting Coef–
Mu!
Knock, Knock
Who's there?
Interrupting Starfish.
Interrupting Star–
(hand's placed on face)
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Impatient Cow.
Impatient Co–
Moo!
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ida.
Ida who?
Ida like to come in.
[edit]
J
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
James.
James who?
No, Watt.
What?
That's right.
What's right?
That's right! (After long, awkward pause, start from the top until they get it).
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner!
[edit]
K
Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Knock
Knock who?
Knock knock.
(Who's there?)
(This is for computer geeks– infinite loop.. get it?).
[edit]
L
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Lettuce.
Lettuce who?
Lettuce in already. Why do you think we're knocking?
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
Little old lady who can't reach the doorbell.
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Little old lady.
Little old lady who?
I like your yodeling.
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Little Boy Blue.
Little Boy Blue Who?
Michael Jackson.

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Lewis.
Lewis who?
Holy shit the Lewis dirty!
[edit]
M
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
M.A.B it's a big horse
M.A.B. it's a big horse who?
A-maybe it's a-because I'm a Londoner
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Mayonnaise.
Mayonnaise who?
Mayonnaise have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord.
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Mayonnaise.
Mayonnaise who?
Mayonnaise some hot women in this bar!
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Madame.
Madame who?
Madame foot's caught in the door!
[edit]
N
[edit]
O
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Old lady.
Old lady, who?
I didn't know you could yodel!

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Banana.
Banana who?
(Repeat until the first person gets tired of it)
Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Orange!
Orange who?
Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

Knock, Knock.
Who's there?
Owl goes.
Owl goes who?
That's right!
[edit]
P
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Panther.
Panther who?
Panther no panth, I'm coming in.
Knock Knock!
Who's there?
Pasta.
Pasta who?
Pasta your bed time. Why are you answering the door?
Knock knock!
Who's there?
P.
P who?
Pete Rose.
[edit]
Q
[edit]
R
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Rudely interrupting cow.
Rudely inter . . .
MOOO! MOOO!
[edit]
S
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Salmon.
Salmon who?
[Sings song] Salmon chanted evening …

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Sam and Janet.
Sam and Janet who?
[Sings song] Sam and Janet evening …

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Spell.
Spell who?
W-H-O.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Stop-watch.
Stop-watch who?
Stop whatcha doing and let me in.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Saw.
Saw who?
Got to open the door to See-Saw!

why did joanna act dumb??
coz she had no brain to think with
[edit]
T
[edit]
U
knock knock
whos there?
vicky
vicky who??
i have no idea!!!
[edit]
V
[edit]
W
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Water.
Water who?
Water you doing?

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Wendy.
Wendy who?
(sings)Wendy moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, that's amore…..

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Who?
Who who?
Sorry, I must've got the wrong house! You're an owl!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
What?
What who?
That's what!
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Woof!
Woof who?
Woof woof! (it was a dog)

knock knock!
whos there?
amy macdonald
amy macdonald who?
well shes got big teeth and looks and sounds like a horse
[edit]
X
why didnt vicky laugh??
coz joannas jokes are crap
why did joanna smack amy?
coz she looked like a horse
[edit]
Y
These are NOT knock knock jokes…. You stupid kid.

• What's the difference between a dead chicken in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
The dead chicken will have skid marks in front of it.
• What do you need when you see a bunch of lawyers up to their necks in concrete?
More concrete.
• What do you call a lawyer with an I. Q. of 75?
“Your Honor”
• What's black and brown and looks good on lawyers?
A Doberman Pinscher
• Why do lawyers wear neckties?
To hold back the foreskin
• What do you throw a drowning lawyer?
His partners.
• How many lawyers does it take to grease a combine?
Only one, but you have to feed him through it really slowly.
• What do you call 100 lawyers chained to the bottom of the sea?
A good start!
• Why won't sharks eat lawyers?
Professional courtesy.
Sharks aren't cannibals.
• What's the difference between a vulture and a lawyer?
A lawyer gets frequent flyer miles.
• What's the difference between a catfish and a lawyer?
One is a bottom-dwelling scum sucker, and the other is just a fish.
• What's wrong with four lawyers going over the side of a cliff in a Cadillac?
The Cadillac seats six.
• How can you tell that a lawyer is lying?
His lips are moving.
• What do you call 20 lawyers parachuting from an airplane?
Skeet.
• What do you call a busload of lawyers going off a cliff?
A shame.
• What do you call it when there's an empty seat?
A crying shame.
• The Easter Bunny, an honest lawyer, and an old drunk all find twenty dollars on the ground. Who picks up the money?
The old drunk (the other two don't exist).
• You're trapped in a pit with a rapist, a serial killer, and a lawyer. You have a gun but only two bullets. Whom do you shoot?
The lawyer. Twice.
• How many lawyers does it take to shingle a rooftop?
Depends on how thin you slice ‘em.
• What’s the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of crap?
The bucket.
• What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut an onion.
• How do you keep a Lawyer from drowning?
“You take your foot off his head.”
• So there's this truck driver with a particular distaste for lawyers. In fact, whenever he sees a lawyer at the side of the road, he swerves, without thinking about it, and smashes him into lo-carb jell-o. So, one day, the truck driver's driving along and sees this priest at the side of the road, thumb extended. The truck driver muses, and decides that it would really be a good thing to pick up the holy man, so he lets him in. They go down the road for about half an hour, exchanging little chit chat, and the truck driver gets a little spaced out. All of a sudden, the truck driver sees a lawyer at the side of the road, and starts to swerve and hit the lawyer. Just before he does, he remembers that he's got the priest in the cab with him, and gets nervous (you can't go killing lawyers with a priest in your cab!) so he, at the last minute, dodges a little to the left so as to let the lawyer live. Nevertheless, the truck driver hears ‘thunk’. He panics, realizing that his corrective measure to avoid the lawyer failed. He starts to apologize to the priest, ‘Father, I’m sorry, I thought I just barely missed the lawyer…' but the priest cuts him off, ‘It’s okay – I got him with the door.'
• One day a lawyer is drowning in the river. A nearby farmer sees him drowning and comes to rescue him. After the rescue, the lawyer wants to thank the farmer and says “What do you want for a reward?” The farmer says, “Nothing, nothing at all! Just don't tell anyone that I saved you!”
• Mr. Gleason was the chairman of the United Way, which had never received a donation from the most successful lawyer in town. He called the attorney in an attempt to persuade him to mend his ways. “Our research shows that you made a profit of over $500,000 last year, and yet you have not given a penny to the community charities! What do you have to say for yourself?”

The lawyer replied, “Did your research also show that my mother is dying of cancer and has medical bills that are several times her annual income? Do you know about my brother, the disabled veteran, who is blind and in a wheelchair? Do you know about my sister, whose husband died in a traffic accident, leaving her penniless with three small children?”

Sheepishly, the charity solicitor admitted that he had no knowledge of any of this.

“Well, since I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”

• A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he had made his selection, the stonecutter asked him what inscription he would like on it.

“Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer.

“Sorry, but I can't do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it's against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ‘here lies an honest lawyer’.”

“But that won't let people know who it is,” protested the lawyer.

“Certainly will,” retorted the stonecutter. “People will read it and exclaim, ‘That’s Strange!'”

• A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate conversation with a beautiful young woman. “What a ripoff,” the man muttered. “I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.” Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled, “Who are you to question that woman's punishment?”

• A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said “I'm here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

“That's quite a coincidence”, said the engineer, “I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything.”

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. “How do you start a flood?” he asked.


Political Limericks
The last outgoing Prime Minister,
Decided to do something sinister.
So he published a book
called “Vote for the Crook”,
And he got re-elected Prime Minister.
[edit]
Business Limericks
A man who marketed tissues,
Branched out into souvenir Vishnus.
But his gods were wrong,
And offended the throng,
Now he markets the news in Big Issues.
[edit]
Retro Children's TV Limericks
Cuthbert, Dibble and Grub,
Were waiting for fires to scrub.
When the station bell rang,
To the pole they ran,
But the hole had been filled with a plug.
[edit]
Unfortunate People
A young boy from Absecon City
In need of a limerick ditty
Begged his poor old Dad
And made him so sad
Please! Mrs.Savell have some pity!
There was a young man from Hibernia
Who rhymed himself into a hernia
He became quite adept
At the practice except
For occasional anticlimaxes
There was an old lady of Ryde
Who ate sour apples and died
The apples fermented
Inside the lamented
Making cider inside her inside
There was a young man from Japan
Whose limericks just wouldn't scan
When asked to explain
He was heard to complain,
“Because I always try to fit as many words into the last line as I possibly can.”
There once was a man from Peru,
Who dreamed he was eating his shoe.
He awoke in the night
With a terrible fright,
And found that his dream had come true.
There once was a fellow named Tim
Whose dad never taught him to swim.
He fell off a dock
And sunk like a rock.
And that was the end of him.
There was once a young Mickey from Limerick
Who survived through the thin and the thick of it.
He woke up one day,
Threw his troubles away
And went on to star in this limerick.
There was a young man from Devizes
Whose ears were of two different sizes
The one was so small
It was no use at all,
But the other one won several prizes.
There was a zookeeper named Blake,
Who fell into a tropical lake,
Said a fat alligator,
A few minutes later,
“Very nice, but I still prefer steak.”
There was a young lady from Riga,
She rode with a smile on a tiger.
They returned from the ride,
With the lady inside,
And the smile on the face of the tiger.
There once was a man from Boston
Who drove around in an Austin
There was room for his ass
And a gallon of gas
But his balls hung out and he lost 'em.
There once was a girl from Berlin
Who was so abnormally thin
That when she assayed
To drink lemonade
She slipped through the straw and fell in
[edit]
Tongue Twisters
A tutor who tooted the flute
Tried to tutor two tooters to toot.
Said the two to the tutor,
“Is it tougher to toot or
To tutor two tooters to toot?”
A canner exceedingly canny
One night remarked to his granny,
“A canner can can
Anything that he can,
But he can't can a can or can he?”
[edit]
Social Commentary
There once was a man named Tate
Who went for a date at eight-eight.
But I'd hate to relate
On his date what this Tate
And his tête-à-tête ate at eight-eight.
[edit]
Animals
A curious bird is the pelican
His mouth can hold more than his belican.
He can hold in his beak
Enough food for a week,
And I can't understand how the helican.
I once had a polka-dotted zebra.
It was born October 2nd - a libra.
I gave him some limes,
He committed some crimes,
And now he shouts loudly, “Arriba!”
I once had a fish named Priscilla,
No wait, she was a chinchilla.
She was very furry,
And on the ground she did scurry,
Whenever we watched Godzilla.
[edit]
The Dead's drummer
There once was a drummer from the Dead
Who continuously played on his head,
But whenever he struck
The head had no luck;
His head had a bump very red.
there was a girl called amy macdonald
who thought it was tough to read cronald
she bought a fat stick
and thought it were a dick
and now shes a horse with a stick for a prick
[edit]
Adult Language
There once was a Northumbrian Druid,
Whose dreams were sometimes quite lu'de
He'd awake with a start,
with one hand on his heart,
And the other in seminal fluid.
There was a young man from Kent
Whose tool was exceedingly bent.
So to save himself trouble
He put it in double
And instead of cumming, he went!
There once was a man from Nantucket
Whose foot got stuck in a bucket.
He pulled with all his might,
But the fit was too tight.
So he just gave up and said “Fuck it!”
There once was a lad from Nantucket
Whose cock was so long he could suck it
He said with a grin;
Wiping cum from his chin
“If my ear were a cunt I could fuck it!”
A lady from Pocahontallas
Used a dynamite stick as a phallus
They found her vagina
In North Carolina
And bits of her tits down in Dallas
There once was a man from Iraq
Who had holes down the length of his cock
When he got an erection
He'd play a selection
From Johann Sebastian Bach
There once was a midget from Venus
Reputed to have a huge penis
The woman from Earth
Amazed at his girth
Opened her legs with great freeness
There once was a man from Boston, Mass
Whose penis and balls were made out of brass,
And in rainy weather
He'd bang them together
And lightning shot out of his ass
There once was a girl from Westphalia,
Who painted her twat with a dhalia
a nickel a smell ,
was all very well,
But a dollar a lick was a failure.
There was a young man from belgrade,
Who found a dead whore in a cave.
It took lots of pluck,
to have a cold fuck.
But think of the money he saved.
There once was a hermit named Dave,
Who liked to keep dead whores in a cave.
I admit when they're dead
They give lousy head,
But just think of the money I've saved.
There was a young man in Port Said
Who fell down a shithouse and died.
His unfortunate mother,
She fell down another,
And now they're interred side by side.
The wife of a red-headed Celt
Lost the key to her chastity belt.
She tried picking the lock
With an Ulsterman's cock
And next thing he knew, he was gelt.
There once was a man from Kildare
Who was fucking a girl on the stair
The bannister broke
So he doubled his stroke
And finished her off in mid-air.
There once was a young lad named Paul
The poor tad had only one ball
It made him walk with a gimp
When his dick was limp
With a hard-on he'd stumble and fall.
There once was a guy from Gazolla
On his dick he would rub some mazolla
He'd screw his own nose
With his well oiled hose
And then shoot out some spermatazoa.
There once was a girl named McGush
Who set fire one day to her bush
Up in smoke went her dink
She held her nose from the stink
As the shit flew out of her tush.

What is ?
natural log cabin + C = houseboat
The shortest math joke
Let epsilon by any number less than zero… (Let &#949; < 0);
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with an elephant?
The magnitude of the mosquito times the magnitude of the elephant in a direction perpendicular to both according to the right hand rule.
What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a mountain climber?
You can't cross a vector with a scaler.
There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those who understand binary and those who don't.
There are 10 types of people in the world.
Those who understand binary, those who don't, and those who confuse it with ternary.
The Four Canonical Mathematical Fruit Jokes
What's purple and commutes? An Abelian grape.
What's yellow and complete? A Bananach space.
What's green and determined by its first Chern class? A lime bundle.
What's yellow and equivalent to the Axiom of Choice? Zorn's Lemon.
2 + 2 = 5 for very large values of 2.
The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone by &#960;/2 and try again.
ex goes to a party with x2. x2 is having a great time but sees that ex is just sitting in the corner doing nothing. He goes over and says to ex “hey, come and integrate with us”. ex replies “No, it won't make any difference.”
Calculus-based pick-up line: “Hey baby, can I take your derivative … ‘cause I want to be tangent to your curves!”
An experimental physicist and a mathematician are put in separate kitchens, each with a gas stove and a pot in the cupboard; they are both asked to boil water. The physicist rummages through the cupboard to find the pot, fills the pot with tapwater from the sink, sets it on the stove and turns on the heat, bringing the water to a boil. The mathematician similarly rummages through the cupboard to find the pot, fills the pot with tapwater, places it on the stove and turns on the heat, bringing the water to a boil. The next day they are again asked to boil water, except today the pot is already on the counter. The physicist fills it with water and places it on the heat, boiling the water again. The mathematician puts the pot away in the cupboard, thus reducing the problem to the one previously solved.
A function and a constant are going for a walk through a forest. All of a sudden a differential operator jumps right out of the woods and yells: “Harr! I will differentiate you! Harr!”. The constant cries in panic “Oh no! I’m doomed!” and *plopp* disappears. But the function bravely takes a step forward and declares self-confidently: “Pah! You don't scare ME. I am ex.” The differential operator grins and replies: “Hi, I am d / dy.”
What do you call a smart dude who does sports? A mathlete.
A: To be or not to be. Q: What is the square root of 4b^2?
Maths and alcohol don't mix - so don't drink and derive


Q and A
• Did you hear about MJ's toaster? The bread goes in brown and comes out white.
• What does MJ like about thirty-eight-year-olds? There are 30 of them.
• What do Michael Jackson and {insert your choice of baseball player or team you consider incompetent} have in common? They both have a glove on one hand for no apparent reason.
• What do Michael Jackson and McDonalds have in common? They both feature 45-year-old meat between 12-year-old buns. Variation: What is a Michael Jackson Hot Dog? 45-year-old meat between 12-year-old buns.
• What's Michael Jackson's favorite nursery rhyme? Little Boy Blew.
• Michael Jackson's found a way to stymie that L.A. search warrant: he's invited Lorena Bobbitt over.
• What's Michael Jackson's dream job? Santa Claus at Macy's.
• What does Michael Jackson have in common with a Playstation? They're both made of plastic and both get turned on by children.
• Why did Michael Jackson go to Walmart last weekened? He heard boys' pants were half off.
• What do MJ and Jack Daniel's have in common? They both come in tots
• When is it bedtime at Neverland? When the big hand is on the little hand.
• Why did MJ phone up Boyz II Men? He thought they were a delivery service.
• How is Michael Jackson like a carrier bag? They're both white, made of plastic and dangerous for kids to play with. Variation: What's the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag? One's part-plastic and harmful to children, the other carries your groceries.
• Why is the pants that MJ wear so small? Because it ain't his.
• What is small, white and inside a 12 year old's pants? MJ's hand.
• Why doesn't MJ ever win first place? He likes to come in a little behind.

[edit]
Headline text
[edit]
Headline text
Link titleLink titleItalic textBold text'Bold text'Insert non-formatted text here–195.188.250.67 08:58, 1 December 2005 (UTC)

[edit]
From the “Jay Leno Show”
• Heard on June 17, 2005: Have you heard this rumor that Michael Jackson might be performing in Las Vegas, although his career isn't what it used to be. I understand he's going to play Diana Ross in the legends show.
• Heard on June 20, 2005: Another earthquake - this is getting crazy! That's like four in a week. You think this is God's way of saying He doesn't believe the Michael Jackson jury either.
• This is interesting - sources close to Michael say that he is planning on leaving the country and living in either South Africa or Switzerland. South Africa or Switzerland – why is everything either black or white with this guy?
• Heard on June 21, 2005: Here's some great news: an 11-year-old boy scout who disappeared in the mountains of Utah late last week has been found perfectly healthy. It turns out, when he heard about the acquittal; he was just hiding from Michael Jackson.
Mj is so gay he could make jonathan herbert look sane
[edit]
Mock Headlines
• Enchanted by his own innocence, Michael Jackson molests self!
[edit]
Singles
Possible new singles by Michael Jackson:
• “Feel the World”
• “And Then He Touched Me”
• “Don't Let Your Son Go Down On Me”
[edit]
Who is God ?
Father explaining God to son: God is neither white nor dark, neither male nor female, neither lesbian nor gay. Son: Oh! I see. So God is Michael Jackson.
[edit]
Marriage TV Show
If Michael and Lisa-Marie's marriage was a TV show, what would it be called?
• Home Unimprovement
• The (G)love Connection
• Beauty and the Beast
• Gimme A Break
• Joker's Wild
• Maniac Mansion (from the Family Channel)
• That's Incredible
• Really Big, Gigantic, Humungous House on the Prairie
[edit]
Longer jokes
[edit]
The Radio
A lady bought a new car. The stereo in the car was amazing: the sales manager pointed out that it was completely automatic, and that all she had to do was tell it what she wanted to listen to, and it would play the song.
She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, “Nelson.” The radio responded, “Ricky or Willie?” She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
At a traffic light, the light turned green and she pulled out. Suddenly two children ran into the road. She screamed “F***ing kids!” and the radio began playing “Thriller”.
[edit]
Math Book
This one needs a bit of a wind-up: you know how, in textbooks, they have a grid for you to fill out—name (yours), issued (condition), returned (condition). Well, some kids think its funny to put the name in as ‘Dick Hertz’ ‘Heywood Jablome’ and other fake identities. The only one I found that was actually funny was where some kid had put “Name: Michael Jackson. Issued: Black. Returned: White.”
American Civil War
A: “I found something soft in my hardtack.”
B: “What was it, a worm?”
A: “No, a ten-penny nail, by golly!”
[edit]
Branches
[edit]
Fighter Pilots
Q. What's the difference between a fighter pilot and a pig?
A. A pig doesn't turn into a fighter pilot after three drinks.
Q. How can you tell the fighter pilot at the nudist camp?
A. He'll tell you.
[edit]
Marines
What's the sound made when s**t hits the fan? Mrreeeennn!

What's the Marine term for “helicopter”? (point to sky) “Duhhhhhh….”

There was a scientist who invented an artifical intelligence program. He demonstrated it to the Pentagon one day. “Just type in a number,” said the scientist. “The computer will read it as an IQ and respond at the appropriate level.” An Air Force general typed in “160.” The computer replied, “What do you know about the Heisenberg exclusion principle?” A Navy admiral typed in “100.” “Hey, what about those Nationals?” the computer replied. A Marine general started to type in “120,” but he forgot the last digit. The machine started singing, “From the Halls of Montezuma…”

What do you get when you cross a Marine and a gorilla?
A retarded gorilla. -or- Nothing. There's some things even a gorilla won't do.

How do you kill a Marine?
Throw sand on the wall and tell him to hit the beach!

A marine and a sailor are in the the bathroom. After they finish peeing, the sailor walks over to the sink and washes his hands. The marine simply walks out. The sailor catches up the marine and says “You know, in the Navy they teach us to wash our hands after we pee,” to which the marine replies “In the Marines, they teach us not to piss on our hands.”
[edit]
Officers
A second lieutenant was plotting course for an aircraft carrier, and realised a smaller craft was in their way. He called over the radio,“Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.” The response came back,“Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.” The second lieutenant called again,“This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.” The other craft responded,“No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.” Exasperated and sure of his right of way the second lieutenant responded,“THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH, OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.” After a brief pause, the response came, “We're a lighthouse, you choose.”

What's the most dangerous weapon in the army?
A second lieutenant armed with a map.
What's the difference between a Specialist and a second lieutenant?
A Specialist has been promoted three times.
There was once a cavalry officer who was so stupid that the other cavalry officers noticed.

This wasn't what the Private P had bargained for. The thick of the battle proved too hot for him and he surreptitiously slipped further and further back from the front line. Suddenly, an authoritative figure grabbed him by the collar, yelling, “Where the f*** are you backing off?”
“W-who are you?” asked P.
“I'm your Colonel, you scoundrel!”
“Sorry Sir, I didn't know I had backed so far off!”

One night, Private P was on guard duty, and it was time for a smoke. He saw a figure approaching and called out, “Hey pal! Do you have a light?” The guy did, and handed P a match. As P struck the match, he saw the uniform of a major. P's cigarette dropped to the ground. Shaking from tip to toe, P immediately froze into a salute. “At ease!” pacified the Major. “Just thank your stars I am not a Second Lieutenant!”

It was the day of her life. She married Bob Loser and was promoted. Her name is now Major Loser.
[edit]
Combat
Murphy's Law of Combat:
1. Incoming bullet has the right of way.
2. Remember that your weapon was supplied by the lowest bidder.
3. If something can go wrong ,it usually does.
4. Friendly fire never is.
During battle, I like to be where the bullets are thickest… hiding in the ammunition wagon.
Retrieved from "http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Jokebook:Military_Jokes“
NB: MIL stands for ”mother-in-law“.
• What's the punishment for having two wives? Two mothers-in-law.
• What do you do if you miss your MIL?? RELOAD, AND TRY AGAIN!!!!!!!!!!!
• Two men were in a pub. One says to his mate, ”My MIL is an angel.“ His friend replies, ”You're lucky. Mine is still alive.“

• Q: What do you have when your MIL is covered in concrete up to her shoulders? A: Too little concrete!
• Q: How are shotguns and mothers-in-law alike? A: If there is one around, you just want to shoot it!
• Or, the definition of mixed emotions - seeing your mother-in-law drive over the cliff in your new car.
Two Cannibals are having dinner around the campfire and one turns to the other and says ”You know I, really don't like my mother-in-law.“ The other replies ”So try the mashed potatoes!“
Q: What did the drummer get on his I.Q. test?
A: Drool.
Q: How do you know when the stage is level?
A: The guitar player is drooling out of both sides of his mouth.
Q: How do you get a guitar player to turn his amp down?
A: Put a chart in front of him.
Q: What do you say to a banjo player in three-piece suit?
A: ”Will the defendant please rise.“
Q: What's the difference between a frog hopping down the road and a banjo player walking down the road?
A: The frog might be going to a gig.
Q: What's the difference between a banjo and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
Q: What do you call a musician without a girlfriend?
A: Homeless.
Q: Why do bagpipers march when they play?
A: To get away from the noise.
Q: What's the difference between a violin and a viola?
A1: A viola burns longer. A2: A viola holds more beer.
Q: How do you know when a drummer is walking behind you?
A: You can hear his/her knuckles dragging on the ground.
Q: What is perfect pitch?
A: When you can throw a banjo into a trash can from twenty feet away without hitting the rim.
Q: What do you call a musician with half a brain?
A: Gifted.
Q: What is the difference between a drummer and a large pizza?
A: A large pizza can feed a family of four.
Q: What's the difference between an oboe and an onion?
A: Nobody cries when you chop up an oboe.
Q: How do you get a musician off your porch?
A: Pay for the pizza.
Q: What do you call the annoying, smelly, drunk guy who follows a band around?
A: The drummer.
Q: What is a drummer?
A: Someone who follows musicians around.
Q: What is a dj?
A: Someone who follows drummers around.
Q: What's the last thing a drummer says before being kicked out of the band?
A: ”Hey guys, let's try one of my songs!“
Q: How can you tell the trombone player's kids at the playground?
A: They can't swing and they're afraid of the slide.
Q: What's the difference between a 3rd trumpet player and a drink machine?
A: A drink machine can get Hi-C.
A tourist in New York City asks a musician, ”How do I get to Carnegie Hall?“ The musician says, ”Practice, man, practice!“
Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A: A bassoon burns longer.
Q: What's the difference between a bull and a symphony orchestra?
A: The bull has the horns in the front and the asshole in the back.
Q: What do you do with a drummer that can't keep time?
A: Give him a baton and make him a conductor!
Q: What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
A: A flat minor.
Red was a drummer in a band that was doing reasonably well on the city circuit, but not well enough to pay for roadies. However he was getting more an more pissed off with his role in the band - every time they had a gig he would spend 1 hour setting up his kit, and having it sound checked, while the rest of thae band knocked back beers and smoked spliffs. During the gig, he would work his ass off behind the drums, sweating awasy, while the guitarist did almost nothing, just an occasional ‘widdly widdly’ on the strings - at which point all the girls would start screaming and throwing their knickers at him. After the gig - he would be spending another hour packing the drums away into the van, while the rest of the band were smoking more spliffs and having their knobs sucked by the groupies backstage.
'Fuck this!' he declared to himself one day, ‘I’m going to learn the guitar!' So off he went, bought a guitar, and some lesson books, and sat in his room learning the guitart, and getting progressively better at it, until one day, 3 years later, he decided that he was getting pretty good, and that he was now up to the task of going to buy some new strings.
He had watched the other guys doing this before, so he thought he had the banter down right. He marched into the shop, and slowly but steadily said to the shop keeper:
”I'll have 2 packs of Ernie Ball 10 guage super slinky hybrid strings please.“
”You're a drummer aren't you?“ said the shopkeeper.
Shocked, Red looked at him and asked ”How did you know?“
The shopkeeper replies: ”Because this is a fish'n'chip shop.“
Retrieved from ”http://en.wikibooks.org/wiki/Jokebook:Musician_Jokes“

A little boy and girl are home alone when they start talking about ”it,“ and pretty soon, they decide to do ”it.“
After it's over, the boy exclaims ”Wow! You're even better than mom!“
”Yeah,“ said the girl, ”thats what dad tells me too.“

What's the best thing about fucking a two year old?
Your dick looks huge in the pictures!

What kind of file do you use to turn a 10 mm hole into a 30 mm hole?
A pedophile!

What's black and blue and doesn't like sex?
The little boy in the trunk of my car

A man goes into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist, ”I need some birth control for my eleven-year-old daughter.“
”Is your little girl sexually active?“ the pharmacist asks.
”No, she just lays there like her mother."

Why do pedophiles love Halloween?
Free delivery


How do you stop an 8-year-old boy from choking?
Take your dick out of his mouth.

Pedophiling is a lot like golf. You aim for as low as you can, and once you hit 18, it stops being fun.
Bad Old Days
In the bad old days of Stalinist Russia, a third-grade teacher was trying to give a vocabulary demonstration, and she asked the children “Can anyone tell me what a disaster is?” One child raised her hand. “Yes, Mary?” “If I dropped all the rations for the day, then that would be a disaster.” “No, that would just be an unfortunate accident. Tom?” “If my father was taken away by the Party for causing or participating in a riot, then that would be a disaster.” “No, Tom, that would be a tragedy. Sue?” “If Comrade Stalin were to be assassinated, that would be a disaster.” “Yes, it would be. How did you know?” “Well, it wouldn’t be an accident, and it couldn’t possibly be a tragedy…”
[edit]
Hillary 2008?
“Well, the big story – Hillary Clinton will be running for president in 2008. You know why I think she's running? I think she finally wants to see what it's like to sleep in the president's bed.” –Jay Leno
[edit]
George W. Bush Jokes
G. Bush always wanted to be an astronaut, but because it requires a lot of brain and studying, he became a president.
Bush's Quotes:
“The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case.” George W Bush, Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000
“I understand small business growth. I was one.” George W Bush, New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000
“They misunderestimated me.” George W Bush, Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000
“Saddam Hussein said, I'm not going to expose my weapons, I'm not going to get rid of my – I'm not going to allow inspectors in, he said. But this is the same man who had used them. So I had to make a decision – do I trust the word of madman, or do I remember the lessons of September the 11th?” George W Bush, Louisville, Kentucky, Feb. 26, 2004

[edit]
Jigsaw puzzle
Cheney gets a call from his “boss”, W. “I've got a problem,” says W. “What's the matter?” asks Cheney. “Well, you told me to keep busy in the Oval Office, so, I got a jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges.” “What's it a picture of?” asks Cheney. “A big rooster,” replies W. “All right,” sighs Cheney, “I'll come over and have a look.” So he leaves his office and heads over to the Oval Office. W points at the jigsaw on his desk. Cheney looks at the desk and then turns to W and says, “For crying out loud, Georgie - put the corn flakes back in the box.”
[edit]
Aboard Air Force One
President Bush, the First Lady, and the Vice President are all flying in Air Force One. Suddenly Cheney takes ten five-dollar bills and throws them out of the plane.
“What'd you do that for?” George asks.
“I just made ten people very happy.” Cheney responds.
George thinks for a moment, then takes twenty 100 dollar-bills and throws them out of the plane. “There,” he says smugly, “I just made twenty people very happy.”
Laura Bush rolls her eyes, “That's nothing,” she says, “I know how to make the entire country very happy.”
“How?” her husband asks.
So she throws him and Cheney out of the plane.
[edit]
The Brain Doc
Because of the allegations of him being dumb, Bush goes to a brain doctor and says, “Doc, I can't seem to be makin' wise decisions, think there's come problem with my bbrain?” The Doc takes a few CATs and X-rays then says, “Mr. President, there's a serious problem” “What's that?” says Bush. Doc says,“ Well..uh..Your left side of the brain doesn't seem to have anything right in it.” “Oh my God! What about the other part of my brain? Is my right part allright?” “Yes…But your right side of the brain has nothing left in it.”
[edit]
Breaking News
The George W. Bush Presidential Library has been reported to have been destroyed in a fire. Both of Bush's books were lost. The president is reported to be devastated, as he had not finished coloring the second one.
[edit]
Breaking News 2
President Bush today announced that in the event of a crisis 40% of the US Marines could be sent to North Korea. According to the President this would leave another 40% for Iraq and another 40% for Iran.
[edit]
Weapons of mass destruction
Q: Knock-knock.
A: Who's there?
Q: Weapons of mass destruction.
A: So there you are.
[edit]
The new Lexus
A lady bought a new Lexus. Two days later, she brought it back and complained that the radio didn't work.
The sales manager pointed out that the audio system in the car was completely automatic, and that all she had to do was tell it what she wanted to listen to, and it would play the song.
She drove out, somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, “Nelson.” The radio responded, “Ricky or Willie?” She was astounded. If she wanted Beethoven, that's what she got. If she wanted Nat King Cole, she got it.
At a traffic light, the light turned green and she pulled out. A huge SUV coming from the street she was crossing sped toward her, not paying attention to the light. She swerved and narrowly missed a collision. “Idiot!” she yelled.
The radio said, “Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States.”
[edit]
The Riddle
George W. Bush meets with the Queen of England. He asks her, “Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?”
“Well”, says the Queen, “the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people.”
Bush frowns. “But how do I know the people around me are really intelligent?”
The Queen takes a sip of tea. “Oh, that's easy. You just ask them to answer an intelligence riddle.”
The Queen pushes a button on her intercom. “Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?”
Tony Blair walks into the room. “Yes, Your Majesty?”
The Queen smiles. “Answer me this, please, Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?”
Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answers, “That would be me.”
“Yes! Very good,” says the Queen.
Back at the White House, Bush asks to speak with vice president Dick Cheney. “Dick, answer this for me. Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?”
“I'm not sure,” says the vice president. “Let me get back to you on that one.”
Dick Cheney goes to his advisors and asks every one, but none can give him an answer. Finally, he ends up in the men's room and recognizes Colin Powell's shoes in the next stall.
Dick shouts, “Colin! Can you answer this for me? Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?”
Colin Powell yells back, “That's easy. It's me!”
Dick Cheney smiles. “Thanks!”
Cheney goes back to the Oval Office to speak with Bush. “Say, I did so much research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Colin Powell.”
Bush gets up, stomps over to Dick Cheney, and angrily yells into his face, “No, you idiot! It's Tony Blair!”
[edit]
What's the difference?
Asked by his teacher to compare three presidents, Johnny thought for a moment and said: “Well, George Washington couldn't tell a lie. Richard Nixon couldn't tell the truth. And George W. Bush couldn't tell the difference.”