The Complete Set Of Blonde Jokes
———————————–


Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.

Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.

Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.

Q: How do you measure a blonde's intelligence?
A: Stick a tire pressure gauge in her ear!

Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A BLONDE BUSY ALL DAY?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.

Q: HOW DID THE BLONDE DIE ICE FISHING?
A: She was run over by the zambonis machine.

Q: How do you get a blonde pregnant?
A: Come in her shoes and let the flies do the rest.

Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

Q: What will she ask you?
A: “Is it mine?”

Q: How do you get a blonde off of your knees?
A: Come.

Q: How does a blond spell farm?
A: E-I-E-I-O

Q: How does a bitchy blonde do it doggy style?
A: She takes off her clothes and makes her boyfriend roll over and beg.

Q: How does a blond kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.

Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q: How does a blonde hold her liquor?
A: By the ears.

Q: How do you know a blond likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.

Q: How do you know a blonde has just lost her virginity?
A: Her crayons are still sticky.

Q: How does a blonde moonwalk?
A: She pulls down her panties and slides her ass along the floor!

Q: WHY IS A BLONDE LIKE AUSTRALIA?
A: They're both down under, and no one cares.

Q: WHY DOES A BLONDE LIKE THE NUMBER 77?
A: She likes to be 8 (ate) more.

Q: WHY DON`T BLONDES LIKE ANAL SEX?
A: They don`t like their brains being screwed with.

Q: WHY CAN`T BLONDES WATER-SKI?
A: When they get their crotch wet they think they have to lay down.



Q: WHY ARE BLONDES LIKE PIANOS?
A: When they aren't upright, they're grand.

Q: WHY ARE BLONDES SO EASY TO GET INTO BED?
A: Who cares?

Q: Why can't blondes count to 70?
A: Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

Q: Why are only 2% of blondes touch-typists?
A: The rest are hunt'n peckers.

Q: How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A: They spread for the bread.

Q: What do you call a blonde on a waterbed?
A: Cherry Float

Q: WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN A BLONDE THROWS A PIN AT YOU?
A: Run like Hell….she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: WHAT DO YOU CALL A BLONDE GOLFER WITH AN IQ OF 125?
A: a foursome.

Q: WHAT DO YOU GIVE THE BLONDE WHO HAS EVERYTHING?
A: Penicillin.

Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.

Q: What nickname is most used by blondes in order to boost their popularity?
A: B.J.

Q: Why are blonde's coffins Y-shaped?
A: Because as soon as they are on their backs, their legs open.

Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.

Q: Why do blondes get confused in the ladies room?
A: They have to pull their own pants down.

Q: Why do blondes wear panties?
A: To keep their ankles warm.

Q: Why should you never take a blonde out for coffee?
A: It's too hard to re-train them.

Q: What do blondes do for foreplay?
A: Remove their underwear.

Q: What do blonde virgins eat?
A: Baby food.

Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: “I'm *sooo* drunk!”

Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) “I said: I'm drunk!”

Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A1: “All the blondes have gone home!”
A2: Has that blonde gone yet?
A3: When is that blond bitch going to leave!?

Q: What's the mating call of the redhead?
A: “Next!”

Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q: WHAT IS BLONDE AND GREEN AND JUMPS FROM BED TO BED?
A: A prostitoad.

Q: WHAT IS 68 TO A BLONDE?
A: Where she goes down on you and you owe her one.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for 2 hours?
A: Because it said ‘concentrate’.

Q: Why did the blonde take two hits of acid?
A: She wanted to go on a round trip.

Q: Why did the blonde with a big pussy douche with crest?
A: She heard that it reduces cavities.

Q: Why did the blonde give a blow job after sex?
A: She wanted to have her cock and eat it too.

Q: Why did the blonde snort Nutra-Sweet?
A: She thought it was diet coke.

Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE BAKE A CHICKEN FOR 3 AND A HALF DAYS?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed 125.

Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE PUT HER FINGER OVER THE NAIL WHEN SHE WAS HAMMERING?
A: The noise gave her a headache.

Q: WHY DID THE BLONDE HAVE BLISTERS ON HER LIPS?
A: From trying to blow out lightbulbs.

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.

Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.

Q: What's the definition of a metallurgist?
A: A man who can tell if a platinum blonde is a virgin metal or a common ore.

Q: What is the difference between a new blonde and an old blonde?
A: Vaseline and Poli-Grip.

Q: What is the difference between a dead blonde in the road, and a dead skunk in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a prostitute?
A: Prostitutes don't drive Ferrari's

Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ELVIS AND SMART BLONDES?
A: Elvis has been sighted.


Q: WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN BLONDES AND TRAFFIC SIGNS?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.

Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A LIGHTBULB?
A: The lightbulb is smarter, but the blonde is easier to turn on.

Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A BITCH?
A: A blonde will fuck anyone, a bitch will fuck anyone but you.

Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A BLONDE AND A SHOPPING CART?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.

Q: WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN A CORN FARMER WITH EPILEPSY AND A BLONDE WITH DIARRHEA?
A: One shucks between fits.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's difficult to open the legs of an ironing board.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a walrus?
A: One has whiskers and fishy flaps, and the other is a walrus.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A: When you lay a brick it doesn't follow you around for two weeks whining.

Q: What is foreplay for a blonde?
A: Thirty minutes of begging.

Q: What is a blonde's idea of dental floss?
A: Pubic hair.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a broom closet?
A: Only two men fit inside a broom closet at once.

Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a phone booth?
A1: You need a quarter to use the phone.
A2: Only one person can use the phone at once.

Q: What does the Bermuda Triangle and blondes have in common?
A: They've both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q: What did the blonde do when her doctor told her she had sugar in her urine?
A: She peed on her corn flakes.

Q: What did the blind blonde say to her new boyfriend as she was making love to him?
A: “Funny, you don't feel Jewish.”

Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?
A: She turned it over and used the other side.

Q: What did the really dumb blond say when someone blew in her bra?
A: Thanks for the refill.

Q: What did the blonde say when she knocked over the priceless Ming vase?
A: “It's OK Daddy, I'm not hurt.”

Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.

Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.

Q: Why did god give blonds 2% more brains than horses?
A: Because he didn't want them shitting in the streets during parades.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.

Q: How does a blonde measure his/her IQ?
A: With a tire gauge! (da da dum)

Q: How does the blond turn on the light after she has had sex?
A: She opens the car door.

Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!

Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A1: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
A2: By doing the splits.

Q: How do you get a blondes eyes to twinkle?
A: Shine a torch in her ears.

Q: How do you tell when a blonde reaches orgasm?
A1: She drops her nail-file!
A2: Who cares?
A3: She says, “Next”.
A4: The next person in the queue taps you on the shoulder.
A5: He's had his clothes for about 2 minutes.
A6: I mean, who really cares?
A7: The batteries have run out.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: (With a rocking of the head from side to side) I dunno!

Q: How do you kill a blonde?
A: Put spikes in their shoulder pads.

Q: How do blondes pierce their ears?
A: They put tacks in their shoulder pads.

Q: How does a blonde like her eggs?
A: Unfertilized.

Q: How do you drown a blond?
A1: Put a mirror at the bottom of the pool.
A2: Don't tell her to swallow.
A3: Leave a scratch and sniff at the bottom of the pool.

Q: How do you tell if a blonde did your landscaping?
A: The bushes are darker than the rest of the yard.

Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling idiots?
A: Flattered.

Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.

Q: What's the difference between a counterfeit dollar and a skinny blonde?
A: One's a phony buck.

Q: What's the difference between a chorus line of blondes and a magician?
A: A magician has a cunning array of stunts.

Q: What is the best blonde secretary in the world to have?
A: One that never misses a period.

Q: What does a blonde think an innuendo is?
A: An Italian suppository.

Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.

Q: WHAT CAN SAVE A DYING BLONDE?
A: Hair transplants.

Q: WHAT DID THE BLOND SAY WHEN SHE WOKE UP UNDER THE COW?
A: What are you guys still doing here?

Q: WHAT ARE THE WORST SIX YEARS IN A BLONDE'S LIFE?
A: Third Grade.

Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE SAY ABOUT BLONDE JOKES?
A: She said they were pretty good, but they might offend some Puerto Ricans.

Q: WHAT DID THE BLONDE THINK OF THE NEW COMPUTER?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.

Q: What did the blonde do when she heard the British were coming?
A: She stopped sucking.

Q: What did the blonde say when she was showed her newborn baby in the delivery room?
A: I'm not going to suck anything *that* small.

Q: What do UFO's and smart blondes have in common?
A: You keep hearing about them, but never see any.

Q: What does a blond say during a porno?
A: There I am!!

Q: Why doesn't a blondes guts fall out of her twat when she stands?
A: Because the vaccum in her head keeps them in place.

Q: What's the difference between having sex with a blonde and eating Jell-o?
A: Jell-o wiggles when you eat it.

Q: What do you get when you cross a blonde and a lawyer?
A1: I don't know, there are some things even a blonde won't do.
A2: Something that when it gives you a blow job, it won't stop until it gets blood.

Q: Why was the blonde wearing her sunglasses?
A: She was having sunny periods.

Q: What two things in the air can get a blonde pregnant?
A: Her feet!

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is wearing pantyhose?
A: When she farts, her knees bag.

Q: How can you tell when a blonde is horny?
A: Stick your hand down her panties. If it feels like a horse eating oats, she's horny.

Q: What's the disease that paralyzes blondes below the waist?
A: Marriage.

Q: What's the ultimate embarassment for a blonde?
A: When her Ben-Wa balls set off the airport metal detector.

Q: What's six inches long, has a bald head, and drives blondes crazy?
A: A hundred dollar bill.

Q: How is a blonde like a frying pan?
A: You have to get them hot before you put in the meat.

Q: How does a blonde interpret 6.9?
A: A 69 interrupted by a period.

Q: How do you describe the perfect blonde?
A: 3 feet tall, no teeth, and a flat head to rest your beer on.

Q: How do you confuse a blonde?
A: You don't. They're born that way.

Q: Why do blondes hate M&Ms?
A: They're too hard to peel.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
A: Proofreading.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?
A: For throwing out the W's.

Q: Why don't blondes like making KOOL-AID?
A: Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.

Q: Why does a blonde have fur on the hem of her dress?
A: To keep her ankles warm.

Q: How can you tell a blonde had a bad day?
A: Her tampon is behind her ear and she doesn't know what she did with her cigarette.

Q: What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A: Way to go team!

Q: How can you tell if a blonde has a vibrator?
A: By the chipped tooth.

Q: How do you keep a blonde in suspense?
A: (I'll tell you tomorrow.)

Q: How do you keep a blonde busy?
A: Write ‘Please turn over’ on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?
A: To keep from bruising their ears.

Q: Why do blondes have vaginas?
A: So guys will talk to them at parties.

Q: Why does the blonde stand in front of a window during a thunder storm?
A: She loves taking pictures (flashes, got it?).

Q: What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A: Full.

Q: What does a blonde answer to the question “Are you sexually active?”
A: “No, I just lie there.”

Q: What's the first thing a blonde says in the morning?
A: “Thanks, guys…”

Q: What do you call 10 blondes at the bottom of the pool?
A: Air pockets.

Q: What does “Bones” McCoy say before he performs brain surgery on a blonde?
A: “Space. The final frontier……”

Q: How many blondes does it take to screw the entire Bengals team?
A: Just One… Boomer Esiason.

Q: What's brown and red and black and blue?
A: A brunette who's told one too many blonde jokes.

Q: What do you call a brunette and three blondes on a corner?
A: You don't, you see if you've got 3 condoms.

Q: How does the blonde car pool work?
A: They all meet at work at 7:45.

Q: What happens when a blonde gets Alzheimers disease?
A: Her IQ goes up!

Q: What happens when a blonde puts her panties on backwards?
A: She gets her ass chewed out.

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?
A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.

Q: Why can't blondes make ice cubes?
A: They always forget the recipe.

Q: Why do blonde's find it difficult to marry?
A: Because you don't have to marry them to have sex with them!

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that said she would do anything for a fur coat?
A: Well, now she can't button it.(prego)

Q: Did you hear about the sophisticated blonde?
A: She thought her period was French Provincial.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who just bought an A.M. radio?
A: It took her two weeks to figure out that you could play it at night.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde whose boyfriend said he loved her?
A: She believed him.

Q: Did you hear about the new epidemic among blondes?
A: It's called MAIDS - if the don't get one, they die.

Q: Did you hear about the blond with a Masters degree in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.

Q: Did you hear about the new slogan for Miss Clairol's Hair Dye?
A: Buy a double batch and get a snatch to match.

Q: Did you hear about the conceited blonde?
A: She screams her own name when she comes.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde that robbed a bank?
A: She tied up the safe and blew the guard.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde who had an apendix operation?
A: Well, now she is making money on the side.

Q: Did you hear about the scared blonde nurse down by the water?
A: She won't go DOWN ON THE DOC.

Q: Did you hear about the blond that was treated at the emergency room for a concussion and severe head wounds?
A: She tried to commit suicide by hanging herself with a bungie cord.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT ALMOST CAUSED A WRECK?
A: The spare tire in her trunk blew out.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE DOCTOR?
A: She shaved her patients, then took off their clothes.

Q: DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THE BLONDE THAT ATE MOUNTAIN OYSTERS?
A: She was dragged 200 yards.

—————————————————————————-



Two tomatos are walking over a street when suddenly a car
crashes into the tomato that is behind.
The other tomato looks back, and sais: Hey, ketchup!

- HaHaHa -

You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the bus:


1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.


Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car? Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.


You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life,
and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect dream lover again.


The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. WHAT DID HE SAY?


He simply answered: “I would give the car keys to my old friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams.”


Never forget to “Think Outside of the Box.”





*********************************************** *******************

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee. They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they stopped and decided to go there anyway. The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them. The second not finding anything either, thought “I'm not getting rid of my panties…” so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: “ We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties…”. The other one responded: “You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that read, ”We will never forget you“.



************************************************* *****************

Prison & Work
Top 10 differences between prison and work


1.
In prison… you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell;
At work… you spend the majority of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.


2.
In prison… you get three meals a day;
At work… you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.


3.
In prison… you get time off for good behavior;
At work- you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.


4.
In prison… the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you;
At work… you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.


5.
In prison… you can watch TV and play games;
At work… you get fired for watching TV and playing games.


6.
In prison… you get your own toilet;
At work… you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.


7.
In prison… they allow your family and friends to visit;
At work… you can't even speak to your family.


8.
In prison… all expenses are paid by the tax-payers with no work required;
At work…. you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.


9.
In prison… you spend most of your life looking through bars from inside wanting to get out.
At work… you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.


10.
In prison… you must deal with sadistic wardens;
At work…they're called managers.



************************************************* *****************


Get ég fengið eins dags frí?
Hversu oft er ekki stjórnandi spurður slíkrar spurningar? Við fréttum af einum sem er með svarið á reiðum höndum og notar það óspart. Það skal hinsvegar látið ósvarað hversu vel það virkar, en það sakar ekki að reyna.


Svar stjórnandans:
Svo þig langar í frí á morgun. Hugsaðu eitt augnablik um hvað þú ert að biðja um. Það eru 365 mögulegir vinnudagar í árinu sem gera 52 vinnuvikur. Þú hefur þegar 2ja daga frí um hverja helgi, sem skilja eftir 261 mögulega vinnudaga. Og þar sem þú eyðir 16 tímum daglega frá vinnu, sem eru samtals 170 vinnudagar, þá eru 91 dagur eftir til vinnu. Þú eyðir 30 mínútum dag hvern í pásur, sem gera samtals 23 daga á ári, og skilja þá eftir 68 daga til vinnu. Þú eyðir einnu klukkustund á dag í mat sem gera samtals 46 daga á ári, og eru þá 22 dagar eftir til vinnu. Þú tekur að jafnaði 2ja daga veikindafrí á ári, sem skilja eftir 20 daga til vinnu. Þú færð frí á 9 hátíðisdögum á ári, og þá eru 11 dagar eftir til vinnu. Þú hefur tekið að jafnaði 10 daga sumarfrí á ári, og þá er aðeins EINN dagur eftir til vinnu og það er ALVEG ÚTILOKAÐ að þú fáir frí þennan eina dag.



********************************************* *********************


Þeir sem ráða í störfin eru löngu búnir að ráða í raunverulega meiningu nokkurra mikið notaðra hugtaka sem fólk setur í umsóknir sínar.


OUTGOING PERSONALITY………Always going out of the office
GREAT PRESENTATION SKILLS…………..Able to bullshit
GOOD COMMUNICATION SKILLS…….Spends lots of time on phone
AVERAGE EMPLOYEE………………….Not too bright
EXCEPTIONALLY WELL QUALIFIED……Made no major blunders yet
WORK IS FIRST PRIORITY……..Too ugly to get a date
ACTIVE SOCIALLY………………..Drinks a lot
FAMILY IS ACTIVE SOCIALLY…………Spouse drinks, too
INDEPENDENT WORKER………Nobody knows what he/she does
QUICK THINKING…………….Offers plausible excuses
CAREFUL THINKER……………Won't make a decision
AGGRESSIVE………………….Obnoxious
USES LOGIC ON DIFFICULT JOBS……Gets someone else to do it
EXPRESSES THEMSELVES WELL………….Speaks English
METICULOUS ATTENTION TO DETAIL…………A nit picker
HAS LEADERSHIP QUALITIES………Is tall/short with a loud voice
EXCEPTIONALLY GOOD JUDGEMENT………………Lucky
KEEN SENSE OF HUMOUR………..Knows a lot of dirty jokes
CAREER MINDED……………Back Stabber
LOYAL……………Can't get a job anywhere else



************************************************* *****************


Ef þú strandaðir á eyðieyju í mánuð…


Á eyðieyju einni fjarri allri mannabyggð (auðvitað) strandaði skip en á skipinu var fólk samankomið af ólíkum þjóðernum. En það var ekki fyrr en mánuði síðar sem greyið fólkið fannst og hafði þá ýmislegt á daga þeirra drifið…


Strandaglóparnir voru:
2 ítalskir karlar og ein ítölsk kona
2 franskir karlar og ein frönsk kona
2 þýskir karlar og ein þýsk kona
2 grískir karlar og ein grísk kona
2 breskir karlar og ein bresk kona
2 búlgarskir karlar og ein búlgörsk kona
2 japanskir karlar og ein japönsk kona
2 kínverskir karlar og ein kínversk kona
2 bandarískir karlar og ein bandarísk kona
2 írskir karlar og ein írsk kona
2 íslenskir karlar og 1 íslensk kona


Mánuði síðar á þessari sömu eyju höfðu eftirfarandi atburðir átt sér stað:


Annar Ítalinn drap hinn vegna ítölsku konunnar.


Frönsku mennirnir og franska konan lifa í sátt og samlyndi.


Þjóðverjarnir hafa komið sér upp mjög stífu vikulegu fyrirkomulagi um að heimsækja þýsku konuna.


Grikkirnir sofa hjá hverjum öðrum á meðan gríska konan þrífur og eldar handa þeim.


Bretarnir bíða enn eftir að einhver kynni þá fyrir ensku konunni.


Búlgararnir horfðu lengi á sjóndeildarhringinn og svo á búlgörsku konuna og stungu sér síðan til sunds.


Japanirnir sendu símbréf til Tokýó og bíða enn leiðbeininga.


Kínverjarnir hafa komið upp apóteki, vínbúð, veitingastað og þvottahúsi og kínverska konan er barnshafandi af völdum ”þeirra“ því starfsmenn vantar.


Bandaríkjamennirnir eru á barmi taugaáfalls því bandaríska konan kvartar í sífellu yfir líkamsvextinum sínum; yfir eðli konunnar; hvernig hún er fær um að gera hvaðeina sem þeir geta; nauðsyn þess að lifa fullnægjandi lífi; jafnri skiptingu á heimilisverkum; hvernig sandurinn og pálmatréin valda því að hún virðist feitari; hvernig síðasti kærastinn virti skoðanir hennar og kom betur fram við hana en þeir tveir; hve samband hennar við móður sína verður betra með degi hverjum og að lokum hve skattarnir eru lágir og að það skuli aldrei rigna.


Írarnir tveir hafa skipt eyjunni í norður og suður og sett upp landamæri. Þeir minnast ekki hvort til kynlífs hafi komið því það er allt í móðu eftir fyrstu lítrana af kókosviskíinu. En þeir eru sáttir því Bretarnir eru ekki að njóta sín.


Íslendingarnir væru orðnir stórskuldugir við verslanir og veitingahús Kínverjanna og á brugghús Íranna. Íslenska konan væri búin að sofa hjá ítölsku, frönsku og amerísku karlmönnunum á meðan íslensku karlmennirnir væru búnir að reikna út að þeir væru fallegastir, sterkastir, gáfaðastir og fjölmennastir miðað við höfðatölu.



************************************************ ******************


Munurinn á köttum og hundum


EXCERPTS FROM A DOG'S DIARY
Day #180
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day #181
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!
Day #182
8:00 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
9:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
9:40 am - OH BOY! A WALK! MY FAVORITE!
10:30 am - OH BOY! A CAR RIDE! MY FAVORITE!
11:30 am - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
12:00 noon - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
1:00 pm - OH BOY! THE YARD! MY FAVORITE!
1:30 pm - ooooooo. bath. bummer.
4:00 pm - OH BOY! THE KIDS! MY FAVORITE!
5:00 PM - OH BOY! DOG FOOD! MY FAVORITE!
5:30 PM - OH BOY! MOM! MY FAVORITE!



EXCERPTS FROM A CAT'S DIARY:

DAY #752 -
My captors continue to taunt me with bizarre little dangling objects. They dine lavishly on fresh meat, while I am forced to eat dry cereal. The only thing that keeps me going is the hope of escape, and the mild satisfaction I get from ruining the occasional piece of furniture. Tomorrow I may eat another houseplant.
DAY #761 -
Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair…must try this on their bed.
DAY #765 -
Decapitated a mouse and brought them the headless body, in an attempt to make them aware of what I am capable of, and to try to strike fear into their hearts. They only cooed and condescended about what a good little cat I was…Hmmm. Not working according to plan.
DAY #768 -
I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning foamy chemical called shampoo. What sick minds could invent such a liquid. My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth.
DAY #771 -
There was some sort of gathering of their accomplices. I was placed in solitary throughout the event. However, I could hear the noise and smell the foul odor of the glass tubes they call beer. More importantly I overheard that my confinement was due to MY power of allergies. Must learn what this is and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY #774 -
I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time…


************************************************* *****************


19 ástæður fyrir því að súkkulaði er betra en kynlíf:


1. Þú getur fengið súkkulaði.
2. ”Ef þú elskar mig þá gleypirðu þetta“ hefur raunverulega merkingu með súkkulaði.
3. Súkkulaði fullnægir meira að segja þegar það er orðið mjúkt.
4. Þú getur hættulaust fengið þér súkkulaði meðan þú keyrir.
5. Þú getur látið súkkulaði endast eins lengi og þú vilt.
6. Þú getur fengið þér súkkulaði meira að segja fyrir framan mömmu þína.
7. Ef þú bítur og fast í hneturnar þá kvartar súkkulaðið ekki.
8. Tvær manneskjur af sama kyni geta fengið sér súkkulaði án þess að vera kölluð klúrum nöfnum.
9. Orðið ”skuldbinding" hræðir súkkulaði ekki í burtu.
10. Þú getur fengið þér súkkulaði í vinnustólnum/við vinnuborðið á vinnutíma án þess að koma vinnufélugunum í uppnám.
11. Þú getur beðið ókunnugan um súkkulaði án þess að eiga það á hættu að vera löðrungaður.
12. Þú færð ekki hár í munninn af súkkulaði.
13. Með súkkulaði er engin þörf á að þykjast.
14. Súkkulaði gerir þig ekki ólétta.
15. Þú getur fengið þér súkkulaði á hvaða tíma mánaðarins sem er.
16. Það er auðvelt að finna gott súkkulaði.
17. Þú getur fengið þér eins margar tegundir af súkkulaði eins og þú ræður við.
18. Þú ert aldrei of ungur eða of gamall til að fá þér súkkulaði.
19. Þegar þú færð þér frábært súkkulaði þá heldur það ekki vöku fyrir nágrönnunum.



************************************************* *****************


Kæri sonur,

Ég skrifa þetta bréf hægt af því að ég veit að þú getur ekki lesið mjög hratt.
Við búum ekki lengur þar sem að við bjuggum þegar þú fórst að heiman.
Pabbi þinn las í blöðunum að flest slys gerast innan við 20 mílur frá heimilunum, þannig að við fluttum.
Ég get ekki sent þér heimilisfangið af því að fjölskyldan sem bjó hérna á undan okkur tók
húsnúmerið þegar þau fluttu til þess að þau þyrftu ekki að breyta heimilisfanginu sínu.

Veðrið er ekki slæmt hérna. Það rigndi bara tvisvar í síðustu viku;
í fyrsta skipti í þrjá daga og í seinna skiptið í fjóra daga.

Varðandi jakkann sem þú vildir að ég sendi þér, þá sagði Stjáni
frændi þinn að hann væri of þungur til að senda í pósti með tölunum,
þannig að við klipptum þær af og stungum þeim í vasana.

Jón læsti lyklunum sínum inni í bílnum í gær. Við erum öll mjög áhyggjufull
vegna þess að það tók tvo tíma að ná okkur pabba þínum út.

Systir þín eignaðist barn í morgun; en ég hef ekki enn komist að því hvers
kyns það er þannig að ég veit ekki hvort það er frænka eða frændi.
Barnið lítur alveg eins út og bróðir þinn…

Annars er ekki mikið meira í fréttum. Það hefur ekkert mikið gerst.

Ástarkveðjur,
mamma.

P.S. Ég ætlaði að senda þér peninga en ég var búin að loka umslaginu…





Ef þú last þetta allt, þarftu að fara til sálfræðings!!

Kveðja,
Dóri

P.S. :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D