A man and his daughter were standing in the garden one day when the little girl spots two spiders mating.
Mary: Daddy, what are those two spiders doing?
Dad: They're mating, honey.
Mary: What's do you call the one on the top?
Dad: It's a daddy-longlegs.
Mary: So the one on bottom is a mommy-longlegs?
Dad: No, it's a daddy-longlegs, too.
Mary: (thinks for a minute, then stomps on both spiders) Well, we're not having any of that in OUR garden!

A guy walks into a bar and orders twelve shots of the best whiskey in the house. The bartender proceeds to fill twelve shot glasses and stares, puzzled, at the guy as he begins to drink them down, one by one. As the guy is finishing the eleventh shot, the bartender asks, “What's the occassion?”

The guy says, “I'm celebrating my first blowjob!”, as he finishes off the last shot.

“Well,” says the bartender, “in that case, here have one on the house ” and he fills another shot glass.

“No thanks,” says the guy, “If twelve didn't get the taste out of my mouth, one more won't!”

A man named Larry goes into a bar and orders a bottle of beer. Larry sits down and hears a bunch of noise in the background. Larry asks the bartender about the noise. The bartender tells him that they're playing barroom football. So Larry decides to go and check it out.

He walks in and asks how to play and if he can play. A man named Joe tells him that in order to score a touchdown, you have to drink a can of beer within 10 seconds and to go for the extra point, you gotta pull down your pants and fart.

So they play for a while and Larry goes for the touchdown and drinks the beer in 8 seconds. So Larry pulls down his pants to go for the extra point. All of a sudden, a man comes up from behind and sticks his weiner up Larry's ass.

Larry jumps and says, “What the hell did you do that for?”

The man answers, “I was trying to block the extra point!!!”