Nokkrir enskir…

Mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son saying “All of you bastards who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop, and all of you bastards who are getting on, get your arse in the train cause we’re going down the tracks.”



The horrified mother went in and told her son, “We don’t use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.”



Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, “All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.”



“We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip, was a pleasant one.” She hears the little boy continue, “for those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.”



As the mother began to smile, the child added, “for those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see that cunt in the kitchen.




Akmed came to the United States from the Middle East, and he was only here
a few months when he became very ill. He went to doctor after doctor, but
none of them could help him. Finally, he went to an Arab doctor.

The doctor said, “Take dees bucket, go into de odder room, shit in de
bucket, piss on de shit, and den put your head down over de bucket and
breathe in de fumes for ten minutes.”

Akmed took the bucket, went into the other room, shit in the bucket, pissed
on the shit, bent over and breathed in the fumes for ten minutes.

Coming back to the doctor he said, “It worked. I feel terrific! What was
it?”

The doctor said, “You were homesick.”




SWISS ARMY KNIFE: Male, because even though it appears useful for a wide
variety of work, it spends most of its time just opening bottles.
>
KIDNEYS: Female, because they always go to the bathroom in pairs.
>
TYRE: Male, because it goes bald and often is over-inflated.
>
HOT AIR BALLOON: Male, because to get it to go anywhere you have to light a
fire under it… and, of course, there's the hot air part.
>
SPONGES: Female, because they are soft and squeezable and retain water.
>
WEB PAGE: Female, because it is always getting hit on.

SHOE: Male, because it is usually unpolished, with its tongue hanging out.
>
COPIER: Female, because once turned off, it takes a while to warm up.
Because it is an effective reproductive device when the right buttons are
pushed. Because it can wreak havoc when the wrong buttons are pushed.
>
ZIPLOCK BAGS: Male, because they hold everything in, but you can always see
right through them.
>
SUBWAY: Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
>
HOURGLASS: Female, because over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
>
HAMMER: Male, because it hasn't evolved much over the last 5,000 years, but
it's handy to have around.
>
REMOTE CONTROL: Female…Ha!…you thought I'd say male. But consider, it
gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always
know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying.




IN PRISON . . . you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK . . . you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON . . . you get three meals a day.
AT WORK . . . you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON . . . you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK . . . you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON . . . the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK . . . you must carry around a security card and open all the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON . . . you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK . . . you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON . . . you get your own toilet.
AT WORK . . . you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON . . . they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK . . . you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON . . . all expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
AT WORK . . . you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON . . . you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK . . . you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

IN PRISON . . . you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK . . . they are called managers.

So . . . why is it again that we work?



1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks
than the British or Americans.

2. On the other hand, the French eat a lot of fat and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

3. The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also suffer
fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

5. Conclusion: Eat & drink what you like……………………..


It's speaking English that kills you.



A world survey recently conducted by the UN posed the
following question:

“Could you please give us your opinion about
the food shortage in the rest of the world?”

This was a huge failure due to the following reasons:

In Africa, no one knows what “food” is.
In Western Europe, no one knows what “shortage” is.
In Eastern Europe no one knows what “opinion” is.
In South America no one knows what “please” means.
In the US no one knows what “rest of the world” means.



A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was
taken to the hospital. While
on the operating table she had a near death
experience. Seeing God she asked
“Is my time up?”

God said, “No, you have another 40 years, 2 months
and 8 days to live.”

Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the
hospital and have a facelift,
liposuction, and a tummy tuck. She even had someone
come in and change her
hair color. Since she had so much more time to
live, she figured she might as
well make the most of it. After her last operation,
she was released from the
hospital. While crossing the street on her way
home, she was killed by an
ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded,
“I thought you said I had
another 40 years” Why didn't you pull me from out
of the path of the
ambulance?“

God replied, ”I didn't recognize you.“



Letter for the Schoolmaster:

One day an English Lady was looking for a room in Switzerland. She asked the local schoolmaster if he could recommend anything she might like. She finally decided on a quaint little apartment and returned to the Hotel at which she had been staying. When she got back she suddenly remembered she had not seen a Water Closet (commonly known in America as a bathroom). She immediately wrote back to the schoolmaster asking him if the apartment had a W.C. The schoolmaster upon receiving the letter did not understand the meaning of the abbreviation, W.C. He took it to the local priest to see if he knew the meaning, and they finally decided it must stand for Wayside Chapel. This is how the schoolmaster answered the letter.

Dear Madam:

I am happy to inform you that we do have a W.C. It is located nine miles from the house in a beautiful garden surrounded by a grove of pine trees. It seats 300 people, and is open Monday, Wednesdays and Sundays, which is not real handy if you are in the habit of going regularly.

My dearest ladyship, I suggest you go on Wednesdays for there is an organ accompaniment and even the most delicate sound is audible. The W.C. is very busy during the summer months, so I suggest you go early and get a seat even though there is plenty of standing room. Some families come with packed lunches and make a day of it.

I am proud to say my daughter was married in the W.C. It was there she met her husband for the first time. I remember the rush for seats that day. There were ten people in the seat I usually occupy, and it was very uncomfortable. We have been planning a bazaar, and the proceeds are to go toward the purchase of plush seats, even though they are not needed. We recently had a bell erected on our W.C. which rings every time someone enters. My wife is a very delicate woman and cannot get to the W. C. very often. It has been six months since she last went, and it hurts her very much to go.

Well, I must say good-bye for now, and if you are still interested, I shall be happy to save you a seat next to mine.

Sincerely,
The Schoolmaster



George W. Bush and Tony Blair are at a White House dinner.
One of the guests walks over to them and asks what they're discussing.
”We are making up the plans for World War III“, says Bush.
”Wow“, says the guest. ”And what are the plans?“

”We're gonna kill 2 billion Muslims and one dentist“, answers Bush.
The guest looks a bit confused.”One…dentist?“ He says. ”Why will you kill
one dentist?“
Blair pats Bush on the shoulder and says, ”What did I tell you George?
Nobody is gonna ask
about the Muslims."