* You let one rip in your sleep and don't care if he hears.

* Talking dirty in bed means shouting obscenities when he hogs the blanket.

* Chivalry's as dead as the door he lets slam in your face.

* PMS lasts all month.

* Your jumbo box of absorbent maxi-pads is on open display.

* “Honey, what are you thinking?” is now, “Are you finished yet?!”

* He yawns when you bitch about that guy hitting on you at work.

* Those frilly, lacy, tiny panties have become way too uncomfortable.

* Two weeks no orgasm.

* Three weeks no orgasm … and you still don't miss it.

* When he lends you five bucks, he expects it back.

* You'd rather spend quality time with your vibrator.

* The way he breathes is getting on your nerves.

* Spouse using your toothbrush to scrub tile grout.

* Candlelight dinners now illuminated by sticks of dynamite.

* Spouse has gone from moaning while making love to moaning ABOUT making love.

* Victoria's Secret? More like K-Mart's Special.

* The only thigh you see on your anniversary is at KFC.

* Morning breath no longer gives you that same thrill.

* Husband's casual suggestions to “try swinging” are growing alarmingly frequent.

* Your husband wants to adopt a 17 year-old waitress from Hooters.

* A romantic Saturday night at home now includes Dr.Quinn, Medicine Woman.

* Wife keeping list of things she'll do after you're finally dead.

* Request for sex now gets you $100 and a ticket to Vegas.