Doddi : Hvers vegna ertu alltaf með mynd af mér í veskinu þegar þú ferð á skrifstofuna ?
Eiginkonan : Þegar upp koma vandamál, þá er alveg sama hve alvarleg þau eru, þau hverfa þegar ég horfi á myndina af þér.
Doddi : Þarna sérðu hversu góð áhrif ég hef á þig.
Eiginkonan : Já, ég horfi á myndina og segi við sjálfa mig, “hvaða vandamál er alvarlegra en þetta”.
Hvað er sameginlegt með mellum og teyjustökki?
Bæði er dýrt, endist í nokkrar sekúntur, og ef gúmmíið bilar, ertu dauðans matur.
Ljóskur.
Hvað kallast ljóska með dökkt hár?………..gervigreind.
Svo var það ljóskan sem fékk sér GSM, hún var á gangi niður Laugaveginn þegar hringt var. Hún svaraði “Gvöð…hvernig vissir þú að ég var hér.
Tónlist.
STROKHLJÓÐFÆRI
-How can you tell if a violin is out of tune? The bow is moving.
-How do you get a cello to sound beautiful? Sell it and buy a violin.
- Hver er helsta getnaðarvörn fiðluleikarans? Hennar eigin persónuleiki.
BLÁSTURSHLJÓÐFÆRI
-What´s the difference between a sax and a chain saw? Vibrato.
-Why was the clarinetist staring at the orange juice bottle? Because the label said ”Concentrate“
-What´s the definition of a real nerd? Someone who owns his own alto clarinet.
-What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain? Gifted.
-A riminder: The English horn, which is neither English nor a horn, should not be confused with the French horn, which is German.
-How many alto sax players does it take to change a light bulb? Five: one to handle the bulb, and four to contemplate how Charlie Parker would have done it.
-Eftir að hljómsveitarstjórinn er búinn að stoppa slagsmál milli 2. fiðluleikara og 1. óbóistans. Hvað gengur hérna á? öskrar hann. Fíflið þarna réðst á mig og braut blaðið í óbóinu mínu.”Hann átti það skilið,“ gargaði fiðluleikarinn.” hann lækkaði einn strenginn á fiðlunni minni og vill ekki segja mér hvaða streng!“
-”There´s nothing I like better than a sound of an oboe - unless it´s the sound of a chicken caught in a vacuum cleaner.“
-How do you make a trombone sound like a French horn? Put your hand up the bell and make a lot of mistakes.
-If you drop a viola and a tuba from the top floor of a tall building, which one hits the ground first? Who cares?
-What´s the difference between a trombone and a chain saw? The chain saw sounds better in small ensembles.
SÖNGVARAR
-What´s the difference between a soprano and a terrorist? You can reason with the terrorist.
-How many female singers does it take to sing ”Crazy“? All of them.
-How many altos does is take to screw in a light bulb? None, they can´t get up that high.
-What´s the definition of a male quartet? Three men and a tenor.
-How do you know if there´s a lead singer outside your door? You don´t: She can´t find the key and doesen´t know when to come in.
-Did you hear about the choral conductor who refused to program the Messiah? He felt he couldn´t Handel it.
-Where is a tenor´s resonance? Where his brain should be.
-How many tenors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Just one; he simply holds it up and the world revolves around
STRENGJAHLJÓÐFÆRI
-How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb? I, V, I, V . . . . .
-What´s the difference between a viola and a trampoline? You take your shoes off to jump on the trampoline.
-What´s the difference between a viola and a vacuum cleaner? The vacuum has a better tone.
-How is a viola like a jury trial? Everyone breathes a sigh of a relief when the case is closed.
ROCK & JAZZ
-How many jazz musicians does it take to screw in a light bulb? One to do it ;three to get their names on the guest list; and five to ask how he got the gig.
-How does a jazz musician end up with a million dollars? Give him a ten million and wait a couple of months.
-How many girl singers does it take to change a light bulb? It doesn´t matter; the piano player will wind up doing it anyway.
-These American tourists go on a jungle safari and as they´re setting up camp,they hear distant drumming. ”Whats that?“ they ask their native guide. ”Drums play, very good; drums stop, very bad,“ he says. After a few hours, they get used to the drums. The drumming continues for two day and two nights, and every time they ask about it, the guide repeats: ”Drums play, very good; drums stop, very bad!“ Suddenly, just as they´re sitting down to dinner on thr third night, the drums fall silent. The tourists are terrified. ”What happens now?“ they demand. ”Oh, no, terrible!“ the guide gasps. ”After drums stop, bass solo start!“
-What do you call a drummer without a wife or a girlfriend? Homeless.
-What do you call a musician who can´t afford to play anymore? Married.
-How many soundmen does it take to change a lightbulb? One, two …one, two
ÞJÓÐLAGA OG SVEITATÓNLIST
-What´s the difference between an Uzi submachine gun and an old-time tune? The gun only repeats 40 times.
-What ´s the professional folk musician´s greatest fantasy? A girlfrend with a job.
-How many Balkan dancers / musicians does it take to change a light bulb? 1,2,3 / 1,2,3,4 /1,2 / 1,2 . . . . .
-So this Greek singer is brought in as a last-minute replacement while the band is warming up for the'r big gig. ”Look,“ he says nervously to the drummer, ”I´m new, so let´s keep it simple tonight. Just give me the beat on 5 and 13.“
-Then what do you get when you play New Age music backwards? New Ages music.
ELSTU TÓNLISTARBRANDARARNIR
-”Hey, mister, how can I get to Carnegie Hall?“ ”Practice.“
-”Doctor, doctor, will I be able to play the piano after my operation?“ ”Yes, of course.“ ”That´s funny; I never could before!“
Til baka
Reglur eru nauðsynlegar, hér á eftir koma þær nauðsynlegustu. (ekki var lagt í að þýða reglurnar þar sem mikil hætta er á að húmorin skili sér ekki í þýðingunni)
HE RULES
1. The female always makes THE RULES.
2. THE RULES are subject to change without notice.
3. No Male can possible know all THE RULES.
4. If the Female suspects the Male knows all THE RULES, she must immediately change some of THE RULES.
5. The Female is never wrong.
6. If it appears the Female is wrong, it is because of a flagrant misunderstanding caused by something the Male did or said wrong.
7. If Rule #6 applies, the Male must apologize immediately for causing the misunderstanding.
8. The Female can change her mind at any time.
9. The Male must never change his mind without the express written consent of The Female.
10. The Female has every right to be angry or upset at any time.
11. The Male must remain calm at all times, unless the Female wants him to be angry or upset.
12. The Female must, under no circumstances, let the Male know whether she wants him to be angry or upset.
13. The Male is expected to read the mind of the Female at all times.
14. At all times, what is important is what the Female meant, not what she said.
15. If the Male doesn't abide by THE RULES, it is because he can't take the heat, lacks backbone, and is a wimp.
16. If the Female has PMS, all THE RULES are null and void and the Male must cater to her every whim.
17. Any attempt to document THE RULES could result in bodily harm.
18. If the Male, at any time, believes he is right, he must refer to Rule #5. 19.
Til baka
Úr læknaskýrslum.
”Sjúkl. er fertug, að öðru leyti er ekkert athugavert“.
”Við rectal skoðun á sjúklingi, kemur fram áberandi kyndeyfð“.
”Sjúkl. hefur átt við gott heilsufar að stríða“.
”Sjúkl. á vanda til að fara austur í sveit um helgar. Þar datt undan henni hestur“.
”Sagan er fengin frá uppgefnum ættingja“.
”Hún hefur þroskast eðlilega framantil“.
”Nú er svo komið fyrir henni að hún getur að mestu hjálpað sér sjálf“.
”Sjúkl. hefur formlegar hægðir“.
”Sjúkl. lærði söngnám“.
”Sjúkl. er svo hress að hann gæti farið landleiðina til Akureyrar“.
”Sjúkl. fékk þá mjög langsótt kvef“.
”Sjúkl. hefur verið mædd s.l. 5 ár“.
”Móðir getur látið barnið sitja með því að láta fæturnar í hring“.
”Misnotaði áfengi í óhófi áður fyrr“.
”Að höfðu samræði við lækni féllst hann á að koma sjálfviljugur inn“.
”Fékk vægan verk undir morgunsárið“.
”Þessi maður veit ekki skyldleika í ætt“.
”Sjúkl. tekur engin lyf, en Magnyl þess á milli“.
”Skoðun leiðir í ljós unglingspilt“.
”Sjúkl. var í morgun að drekka te og borða maís þegar að bar mann sem heitir Kristmundur“.
”Sjúkl. hefur fremur óbærilega verki“. -”Sjúkl. borðar reglulegt mataræði“.
”Daginn fyrir innlögn borðaði hún kvöldmat á eðlilegan hátt, með kjötbollum, eftir það var hún í samkvæmi“. -”Við komu á spítalann var sjúkl. fljótlega skoðaður af undirrituðum, og kemur þá í ljós að um er að ræða 46 ára gamlan karlmann sem er þrekvaxinn og vöðvastæltur“.
”Sjúkl. hefur aldrei fundið fyrir þessum verkjum nema þegar hann vaskar upp í sumarbústað, en er ráðlagt eftirlit, ef verkirnir koma fram við önnur tækifæri“.
”Sjúkl. hefur verið í vandræðum með gervifótinn, en hann hefur haft fjóra fætur frá því að hann lenti í slysinu, en þann síðasta fékk hann í apríl s.l“.
Biskuparím
Nú Blæs heldur illa um biskupastóla,
berjast þeir ákaft um metorð og kjóla.
Þó brugðnum með brandi,
beinstífir standi,
bésevinn hnígur á Óla.
Á Bústöðum oft var í kotinu kátt
konur í biðröðum leitand' að sátt.
Ef trúin var slöpp,
ég tók þær á löpp.
Með tilþrifum sýndi þeim guðlegan mátt.
Ó herra,-ég vitna-,ég linum með lóki,
ligg bar' á kvöldin í hálfgerðu móki.
Kæran er bull,
konan var full,
en kærandinn var séra Flóki.
Ég bestur er allra biskupa heims,
að bera mig sökum er ei til neins.
upp,-upp mín sál,
upp,-mér er mál,
á upprisu holdsins og hins andlega seims.
Höf. ókunnur.
Til baka
Einstein.
Albert Einstein var á gangi og mætti manni. ”Hvaða greindarvísitölu ert þú með“ - spyr Einstein. ”Ég er með 217“ svarar maðurinn. ”Fínt, þá getum við rætt um tilgang lífsins, klofningu atóma o.fl.“ segir Einstein Eftir að hafa rætt við manninn í góða stund mætir hann næsta manni: ”Hvaða greindarvísitölu ert þú með“ - spyr Einstein. ”Ég er með svona ca. 150“ - svarar maðurinn. ”Fínt, þá getum við rætt um pólitík“ - segir Einstein. Eftir að hafa rætt við manninn í góða stund heldur hann göngu sinni áfram og eftir skamma stund mætir hann einum enn: ”Hvaða greindarvísitölu ert þú með“ - spyr Einstein. ”Ha, ég ?? !! Held ég sé með svona 71“ - segir maðurinn ”Alltaf í boltanum….“ - segir Einstein.
Til baka
Einn skoskur.
One misty Scottish morning a man was driving through the hills to Inverness. Suddenly out of the mist, a massive red-haired highlander stepped into the middle of the road. The man is at least six feet four and has the appearance of a walking wardrobe. He has a huge red beard and despite the wind, mist and near freezing temperatures, is wearing only his kilt, a tweed shirt and a tam-o'-shanter at a rakish angle. At the roadside there also stands a young woman. She is absolutely beautiful - slim, shapely, fair complexion, golden hair……. heart stopping. The driver stops and stares, and his attention is only distracted from the lovely girl when the red thing opens the car door and drags him from his seat onto the road with a fist resembling a whole raw ham. ”Right, you Jimmy“ he shouts, ”Ah want you to masturbate“, ”but……“ stammers the driver, ”Du it now…or I'll bluddy kill yer“ So the driver turns his back on the girl, drops his trousers and starts to masturbate. Thinking of the girl on the roadside this doesn't take him long. ”Right“ snarls the highlander ”Du it again!“ ”but…..“ says the driver. ”Now….“ So the driver does it again. ”Right laddie, du it again“ demands the highlander. This goes on for nearly two hours. The hapless driver gets cramps in both arms, he has rubbed himself raw, has violent knob-ache, his sight is failing (as promised for years by his priest) and despite the cold wind has collapsed in a sweating, jibbering heap on the ground, unable to stand. ”Du it again“ says the highlander. ”I can't do it anymore - you'll just have to kill me“, whimpers the man. The highlander looks down at the pathetic soul slumped on the roadside ”All right laddie,“ he says, ”NOW you can give ma daughter a lift to Inverness“.
Til baka
Skítabrandarar
- Ghost Shit -
You know you've shit. There's shit on the toilet paper, but there's no shit in the toilet.
- Teflon Coated Shit -
Comes out so slick, clean, and easy that you don't even feel it. No traces of shit on the toilet paper. You have to look forthe shit in the toilet to be sure you did it.
- Gooey Shit -
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper inyou underwear so you don't stain it. This shit leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.
- Second Thought Shit -
You're all done wiping you ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it…you've got to shit more.
- Pop A Vein In Your Forehead Shit -
This is the kind of shit that killed Elvis. It just doesn't want to come out until you're all sweaty, trembling, and purple from straining so hard.
- Richard Simmons Shit -
You shit so much, you lose 10 pounds.
- Right Now Shit -
You better be within 30 seconds a toilet. Usually it has it's head out before you get your pants down.
- Green Shit -
Comes the day after eating a big spinach salad.
- King Kong or Commode Choker Shit -
This shit is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coathanger works well. This kind of shit usually happens at someone else'shouse.
- Cork Shit aka Floaters -
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My God! How do I get rid of it?! This shit also usually happens at someone else's house.
- Wet Cheeks Shit -
This shit hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass all wet.
- Wish Shit -
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no shit.
- Cement Block Shit or Oh God! Shit -
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you shit.
- Snake Shit -
This shit is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least 3 feet long.
- Mexican Food Shit aka Screamers -
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.
- Beer Drunk Shit -
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your shit doesn't smell too bad, but this shit is BAD! Usually there's someone standing outside waiting to use the bathroom. This kind of shit also usually happens at someone else's house.
- Burning Ass Shit -
Self explanitory. Usually occurs after eating Burning Mouth Indian food.
- Firecracker Shit -
This shit comes out in little explosions. Like a string of firecrackers. Just when you think the last blew, wait, there's more shit to come. Interspersed with flagellations.
- Volcano Shit -
Not liquid and not solid, this shit sort of emerges from your ass in a continuous flow. Usually happens when you are in a hurry or ate Indian food the night before.
- Nuclear Shit -
One huge King Kong log explosion followed by a solid outpouring of shit in varying textures and densities. Asshole radiates for awhile afterwards.
- Shy Shit -
Combination of Wish Shit and Second Thought Shit. It's going to come out. No it's not. Yes it is. No it's NOT. Best bet is to force to become the Pop A Vein in Your Forehead Shit.
- Sex Shit -
Incredible urge to deficate caused by increased movement of internal organs due to the act of sex. This shit kind of sneaks up on you. Your never quite sure whether it will emerge in solid or gaseous state.
- SHIT! Shit -
This shit gives you ample warning of it's impending arrival. Yet, you are still unable to find ac(commode)ations. Usually on long airline flights with equally long latrine lines, during traffic, in the middle of a conference or meeting. If serviced early enough, it is Teflon shit. If late enough, Cement Block Shit.
- Baby Shit -
Self explanatory. Output often more attractive and seemingly palatable then input. Comes in a variety of colors and textures.
- SLOW Shit -
Much like Shy Shit except you have the feeling of continuous, albeit miniscule progress. Coaxing and straining does not help. Get a good book and relax. This shit is in no hurry.
- AcId ShIt -
Occurs the morning after taking two hits of acid and getting the munchies. You're not quite sure what it is you ate, but from the looks of this shit, it must have been something really gnarly. May come in colors, might just seem that way. Spend more time admiring it then delivering it.
(rear) End.
Remember, the politically correct term for Shit is: Nutritionally Challenged Output
Til baka
Að ganga í herinn.
Ef þú ættlar að ganga í ameríska herinn þá hefur þú um tvennt að velja annars vegar að fara í landherinn og hins vegar að fara í sjóherinn. Ef þú fer í sjóherinn þá er ekki meira um það, enef þú ferð í landherinn þá hefur þú um tvennt að velja. Annars vegar að komast a lifandi og hins vegar að deyja. Ef þú kemst lifandi þá er ekki meira um það, en ef þú deyrð þá hefur þú um tvennt að velja. Annars vega að vera brenndur á báli og hins vegar að verða jarðaður. Ef þú verður brendur á báli þá er ekki meira um það en ef þú verður jarðaður þá hefur þú um tvennt að velja. Annars vegar að það vaxi blóm á leiði þínu og hins vegar að það vaxi tré á leiði þínu, en ef það vex tré á leiði þínu þá hefur þú um tvennt að velja. Annars vegar að vera notaður í timburiðnaðinn og hins vegar að vera notaður í pappírsiðnaðinn, ef þú verður notaður í timburiðnaðinn þá er ekki meira um það en ef þú verður notaður í pappírsiðnaðinn þá hefur þú um tvennt að velja. Annars vegar að vera notaður í skjalapappír og slíkt og hins vegar að vera notaður í klóssettpappír. Ef þú verður notaður í skjalapappír og slíkt þá er ekki meira um það, en ef þu verður notaður í klósettpappír þá hefur þú um tvennt að velja. Annars vegar að lenda inn á karla klósetti og hins vegar að leida inni á kvennaklósetti, ef þú lendir inni á karlaklósetti þá er ekki meira um það, en ef þú lendir inni á kvennaklósetti þá hefur þú um tvennt að velja annars vega að lenda að aftan og hins vegar að framan, ef þú lendir að aftan þá er ekki meira um það. En ef þú lendir af framan þá borgar það sig fyrir þig að fara í ameríska herinn.
Til baka
Harlem húmor.
Yo momma so fat when her beeper goes off, people thought she was backing up
Yo momma so fat her nickname is ”DAMN“
Yo momma so fat she eats Wheat Thicks.
Yo momma so fat were in her right now
Yo momma so fat people jog around her for exercise
Yo momma so fat she went to the movies and sat next to everyone
Yo momma so fat she has been declared a natural habitat for Condors
Yo mamma so fat you haveta roll over twice to get off her…
Yo momma so fat she was floating in the ocean and spain claimed her for then new world
Yo momma so fat she lay on the beach and people run around yelling Free Willy
Yo momma so fat when you get on top of her your ears pop!
Yo momma so fat when she has sex, she has to give directions!
Yo momma so fat she goes to a resturant, looks at the menu and says ”okay!“
Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat, people said ”Taxi!“
Yo momma so fat she had to go to Sea World to get baptized
Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway
Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller
Yo momma so fat she got to pull down her pants to get into her pockets
Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave, she landed on 12th
Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps, she brings down the bridge too
Yo momma so fat the highway patrol made her wear ”Caution! Wide Turn“
Yo momma so fat when she sits around the house, she SITS AROUND THE HOUSE!
Yo momma so fat when she steps on a scale, it read ”one at a time, please“
Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says we don't do livestock.
Yo momma so fat her neck looks like a pair of hot dogs!
Yo momma so fat she's got her own area code!
Yo momma so fat she looks like she's smuggling a Volkswagon!
Yo momma so fat God couldn't light Earth till she moved!
Yo momma so fat NASA has to orbit a satellite around her!
Yo momma so fat whenever she goes to the beach the tide comes in!
Yo momma so fat when she plays hopscotch, she goes New York, L.A., Chicago…
Yo momma so fat she's got Amtrak written on her leg.
Yo momma so fat even Bill Gates couldn't pay for her liposuction!
Yo momma so fat her legs is like spoiled milk - white & chunky!
Yo momma so fat you have to roll her ass in flour and look for the wet spot to fuck her!
Yo momma so fat I had to take a train and two buses just to get on the bitches good side!
Yo momma so fat she wakes up in sections!
Yo momma so fat when she goes to an amusement park, people try to ride HER!
Yo momma so fat she sat on a quarter and a booger shot out of george washington's nose.
Yo momma so fat she was mistaken for God's bowling ball!
Yo momma so fat she rolled over 4 quarters and it made a dollar!
Yo momma so fat when she lies on the beach no one else gets sun!
Yo momma so fat when she bunje jumps she goes straight to hell!
Yo momma so fat when she jumps up in the air she gets stuck!!!
Yo momma so fat she's got more Chins than a Hong Kong phone book!
Yo momma so fat that her senior pictures had to be arial views!
Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo momma so fat everytime she walks in high heels, she strikes oil!
Yo momma so fat she fell and made the Grand Canyon!
Yo momma so fat she sat on the beach and Greenpeace threw her in!
Yo momma so fat that when she hauls ass, she has to make two trips!
Yo momma so fat even her clothes have stretch marks!
Yo momma so fat she has a wooden leg with a kickstand!
Yo momma so fat she has to use a VCR as a beeper!
Yo momma so fat she broke her leg, and gravy poured out!
Yo momma so fat when she rides in a hot air balloon, it looks like she's wearin tights!
Yo momma so fat she got hit by a parked car!
Yo momma so fat they have to grease the bath tub to get her out!
Yo momma so fat she has a run in her blue-jeans!
Yo momma so fat when she gets on the scale it says to be continued.
Yo momma so fat when she wears a yellow raincoat people say ”Taxi!“
Yo momma so fat she got to iron her pants on the driveway!
Yo momma so fat she put on her lipstick with a paint-roller!
Yo momma so fat when she tripped over on 4th Ave she landed on 12th
Yo momma so fat when she bungee jumps she pulls down the bridge too
Yo momma so fat she steps on a scale & it goes one at a time please
Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it!
Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!
Yo momma so fat she fell in love and broke it.
Yo momma so fat when she sits on my face I can't hear the stereo.
Yo momma so fat they use the elastic in her underwear for bungee jumping
Yo momma so fat when they used her underwear elastic for bungee jumping, they hit the ground.
Yo momma so fat when she back up she beep.
Yo momma so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck.
Yo momma so fat she has to buy two airline tickets.
Yo momma so fat when she fell over she rocked herself asleep trying to get up again.
Yo momma so fat she influences the tides.
Yo momma so fat that when I tried to drive around her I ran out of gas.
Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy fell out.
Yo momma so fat the animals at the zoo feed her.
Yo momma so fat she was baptized at Marine World.
Yo momma so fat she's on both sides of the family!
Yo momma so fat when she dances at a concert the whole band skips.
Yo momma so fat the Aids quilt wouldn't cover her
Yo momma so fat she stands in two time zones.
Yo momma so fat I tried to drive around her and I ran out of gas.
Yo momma so fat she left the house in high heels and when she came back she had on flip flops.
Yo momma so fat shes on both sides of the family.
Yo momma so fat it takes her two trips to haul ass
Yo momma so fat you have to grease the door frame and hold a twinkie on the other side just to get her through
Yo momma so fat when the bitch goes to an all you can eat buffet, they have to install speed bumps.
Yo momma so fat that she cant tie her own shoes.
Yo momma so fat sets off car alarms when she runs.
Yo momma so fat she cant reach her back pocket.
Yo momma so fat when she wears one of those X jackets, helicopters try to land on her back!
Yo momma so fat her college graduation picture was an airial.
Yo momma so fat she lays on the beach and greenpeace tried to push her back in the water
Yo momma so fat she broke her leg and gravy poured out
Yo momma so fat she uses redwoods to pick her teeth
Yo momma so fat the only pictures you have of her are satellite pictures
Yo momma so fat she jumped in the air and got stuck.
Yo momma so fat she put on some BVD's and by the time they reached her waist they spelled out boulevard.
Yo momma so fat she sat on a dollar and squeezed a booger out George Washington's nose.
Yo momma so fat she stepped on a rainbow and made Skittles.
Yo momma so fat she uses a mattress for a tampon.
Yo momma so fat that when she sits on the beach, Greenpeace shows up and tries to tow her back into the ocean…..
Yo momma so fat that she would have been in E.T., but when she rode the bike across the moon, the bitch caused an eclipse.
Yo momma so fat she hoola-hooped the super bowl.
Yo momma so fat she was baptised in the ocean.
Yo momma so fat she has to iron her clothes in the driveway.
Yo momma so fat they tie a rope around her shoulders and drag her through a tunnel when they want to clean it.
Yo momma so fat when she got hit by a bus, she said, ”Who threw that rock?“
Yo momma so fat when she stands in a left-turn lane it gives her the green arrow!
Yo momma so fat that when whe was born, she gave the hospital stretch marks.
Yo momma so fat the National Weather Agency has to assign names to her farts!!!
Yo momma so fat we went to the drive-in and didn't have to pay because we dressed her as a Chevrolet.
=-> SO STUPID,
Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 minutes
Yo momma so stupid when she saw the NC-17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends
Yo momma so stupid when your dad said it was chilly outside, she ran outside with a spoon.
Yo momma so stupid she told everyone that she was ”illegitiment“ because she couldn't read.
Yo momma so stupid that she puts lipstick on her head just to make-up her mind
Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
Yo momma so stupid you have to dig for her IQ!
Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo momma so stupid it took her 2 hours to watch 60 Minutes!
Yo momma so stupid that she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order!
Yo momma so supid she could trip over a cordless phone!
Yo momma so stupid she sold her car for gasoline money!
Yo momma so stupid she bought a solar-powered flashlight!
Yo momma so stupid she thinks a quarterbacks a refund!
Yo momma so stupid she took a cup to see Juice.
Yo momma so stupid that she sold the car for gas money.
Yo momma so stupid she asked you ”What is the number for 911 momma so stupid she took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
Yo momma so stupid when she read on her job application to not write below the dotted line she put “O.K.”
Yo momma so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
Yo momma so stupid she stole free bread.
Yo momma so stupid she took a spoon to the superbowl.
Yo momma so stupid she called Dan Quayle for a spell check.
Yo momma so stupid she stepped on a crack and broke her own back.
Yo momma so stupid she makes Beavis and Butt-Head look like Nobel Prize winners.
Yo momma so stupid she thought she needed a token to get on Soul Train.
Yo momma so stupid when asked on an application, “Sex?”, she marked, “M, F and sometimes Wednesday too.”
Yo momma so stupid she took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jif.
Yo momma so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean!
Yo momma so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl
Yo momma so stupid she got locked in a grocery store and starved!
Yo momma so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds!
Yo momma so stupid she sits on the TV, and watches the couch!
Yo momma so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
Yo momma so stupid she bought a videocamera to record cable tv shows at home.
Yo momma so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus, she took the 22 twice instead.
Yo momma so stupid she jumped out the window and went up.
Yo momma so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund.
Yo momma so stupid she took a umbrella to see Purple Rain.
Yo momma so stupid that under “Education” on her job apllication, she put “Hooked on Phonics.”
Yo momma so stupid she put out the cigarette butt that was heating your house.
Yo momma so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead, talking about she was trying to makeup her mind.
Yo momma so stupid she watches “The Three Stooges” and takes notes.
Yo momma so ugly when she joined an ugly contest, they said “Sorry, no professionals.”
Yo momma so ugly she looks out the window and got arrested for mooning.
Yo momma so ugly just after she was born, her mother said “What a treasure!” and her father said “Yes, let's go bury it.”
Yo momma so ugly they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.
Yo momma so ugly they filmed “Gorillas in the Mist” in her shower
Yo momma so ugly they didn't give her a costume when she tried out for Star Wars.
Yo momma so ugly instead of putting the bungee cord around her ankle, they put it around her neck
Yo momma so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween.
Yo momma so ugly when she walks into a bank, they turn off the surveillence cameras.
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to be drunk to breast feed her
Yo momma so ugly her mom had to tie a steak around her neck to get the dogs to play with her.
Yo momma so ugly when she walks down the street in September, people say “Damn, is it Halloween already?”
Yo momma so ugly the government moved Halloween to her birthday.
Yo momma so ugly that if ugly were bricks she'd have her own projects.
Yo momma so ugly they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.
Til baka
Nokkrir Írskir.
Shamus asked Paddy how he got his black eye. “You'd never believe it,” said Paddy, “but I got it at church.” He said he had been sitting behind a fat lady and when they all stood for a hymn he noticed her dress was creased into the cheeks of her bum. “All I did was lean forward and pull it out and she turned round an hit me,” said Paddy. It was a week later and Shamus was surprised to see Paddy had another black eye. “I got it in church,” he began to explain. He said he found himself behind the same fat woman and when they stood for the hymn her dress was once again creased into the cheeks of her bum. “My little nephew reached forward and pulled it out. But I knew she didn't like that, so I leaned over and tucked it back!”
Luck of the Irish!
Two Irish lovers are sitting on a bench, in a park. They are holding hands, but the lady is nervously twisting her hands. Mary: “Patrick. I have something to tell you.” Patrick: “Well, what's on your mind? You know you can tell me everything.” Mary: “It's so terrible.” Patrick: “You know you can trust me. What is it?” Mary: “Well, it was a few years ago. Father lost his job, and no money in sight..” Patrick: “So, what is it?” Mary: “Oh. We were so desperate. For some time I had to turn ..prostitute!” Patrick: “WHAT!” Mary: “We needed the money so bad!” Patrick: “There is no good reason for this! Endangering your very soul! How could you? YOU! Mary, this is more than I can stand!” Mary: “Not you, Pat! No! I thought you'd understand. I thought you could still love me, even though I had been a whore.” Patrick: “Oh! …You… Well, that's ok. For a moment I thought you said ‘protestant’!”
Til baka
Nunnur
Mother Superior: “Sister Maria, if you walk through town at night, and you're accosted by a man with bad intentions, what would you do?” Sister Maria: “I would lift my habit, mother Superior.” Mother Superior (shocked): “And what would you do next?” Sister Maria: “I would tell him to drop his pants.” Mother Superior: (even more shocked) “And what then?” Sister Maria: “I would run away. I can run much faster with my habit up than he with his pants down.”
Short nun
The seven dwarfs are in Rome and they go on a tour of the city. After a while they go to the Vatican and meet the pope. Grumpy, for once, seems to have a lot to say; he keeps asking the pontiff questions about the church,and in particular, nuns.
“Your Holiness, do you have any really short nuns?”
“No, my son, all our nuns are at least five feet tall.”
“Are you sure? I mean, you wouldn't have any nuns that are, say, about my height? Maybe a little shorter?”
“I'm afraid not. Why do you ask?”
“No reason.” Pause. “Positive? Nobody in a habit that's about three feet tall, two and a half feet tall?”
“I'm sure.”
“Okay.”
Grumpy looks dejected at this news, and the pope wonders why. So he listens to the dwarfs as they leave the building.
“What'd he say? What'd he say?” chant the other six dwarfs.
Grumpy says, “He said they don't have any.”
And the other six start chanting, “Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin! Grumpy fucked a penguin!”….
Car crash .
Three nuns die in a car crash and are incinerated. They arrive at the pearly gates to be told by St Peter that they are a week early and can't enter heaven for another week. The nuns are a bit peeved about this as they have lead virtuous lives, so St Peter offers to make it up to them by sending them back to earth for a week as anyone they like since they can't go back to their own bodies. So they can have another week on earth without there actions being recorded in the great ledger against them. The nuns talk it over for a little while then agree. The first nun asks to be sent back as Marilyn Monroe, St Peter smiles and sends her off. The second asks to be sent back as Briggete Bardow, St Peter winks and sends her off. The last, a small Italian nun looks up to St. Peter and asks to be sent back as Sarah Pipiliny. St. P has a look in the great ledger but can't find any Sarah Pipiliny, he says to the last nun if Sarah Pipiliny has never existed then she can't go back to earth. The little nun insists and offers to prove it to St. Peter, she pulls out a very old battered copy of the Times, unfolds it and gives it to St. Peter who reads: SAHARA PIPE LINE LAID BY 100 MEN IN ONE WEEK!
Til baka
Geta tölvur allt.
One day, Jeffery complained to his friend, “My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a Doctor.” His friend offered, “Don't do that!!! There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything, quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10.00.” Jeffery figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed:
You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks.
Late that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
Your tap water is too hard.——>Get a water softener.
Your dog has worms.——>Get him vitamines.
Your daughter's using cocaine.——>Put her in a rehabilitation clinic.
Your wife's pregnant - twin girls.——>They aren't yours.——>Get a
lawyer.
And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better.
Til baka
Gæludýr.
A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey jumps around all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them, then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?” The guy says, “No, what?” “He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!”, says the bartender. “Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,” replied the patron. He eats everything in sight, the little bastard. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff.“ He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves.
Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his ass, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. ”Did you see what your monkey did now?“, he asks. ”Now what?“, responds the patron. ”Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it!“ says the barkeeper.
”Yeah, that doesn't surprise me,“ replied the patron. ”He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!“
A parrot.
This young lady walks into a pet store to buy a parrot. The guy behind thecounter says that he only has one and that it's a real ”smart-ass“, with a vulgar vocabulary and rude temperment. The woman says ”thats OK I know how to handle assholes like that, I want the parrot anyhow“. So the woman gets the bird home puts it in her room, and starts to get ready for bed. Just as she gets her slacks off the parrot says: ”AWK… NICE LEGS BABY“ Well the the woman isn't gonna take this shit so she takes the bird out of the cage and puts it in the freezer for 3 min. While the parrots in the freezer, he becomes real sure that this was the wrong thing to say, and is making a large mental note about saying that again. The next night, again the woman is getting ready for bed this time the parrot KNOWS not to say any thing about her legs, but after she removes her blouse, and then her bra… the parrot just can't resist any longer. He blurts out ”AWK… GREAT TITS BABY LETS SEE YA SHAKE UM“. This once agian gets the woman pissed-off and she decides that instead of 3 min. in the freezer, she is going to keep the parrot in for 5 min. WELL the parrot has lots of time to think this time, and remorse gives way to desperation, and finally to anger so that the adrenalin will allow him to continue to live. FINALLY the woman opens the freezer door take out the near frozen parrot and asks… ”Well, have you learned your lesson??“ The parrot still shivering and barely able to speak says… ”AWK… YEA YEA SURE SURE, BUT I JUST HAVE ONE QUESTION…..“ The woman says… ”Yes?“ The parrot says ”AWK… WHAT DID THE TURKEY IN THE FREESER DO, ASK FOR A BLOWJOB??????“
Til baka
GAY MAN
A man went to a doctor one day complaining that he thought he was gay.
”What exactly makes you think you're gay?“ asked the doctor.
”Well,“ said the man, ”my grandfather was gay.“
”I'm afraid sexual preference is not hereditary,“ explainedthe doctor.
”I see,“ replied the man, ”but my father was also gay.“
”That is very unusual,“ admitted the doctor,”but it still doesn't
necessarily mean that you are gay.“
”Okay,“ said the man, ”but both my brothers are gay, too.“
”My God!“ exclaimed the doctor, ”doesn't anyone in your family have sexwith women?“
”Oh yes,“ replied the man. ”My sister.“
Til baka
Stundum getur komma í setningu skipt höfudmáli til að setningin
skili sér, Hér eru nokkur dæmi úr auglýsingum:
*Sérstakur hádegisverðarmatseðill: Kjúklingur eða buff kr: 600,kalkúnn kr: 550, börn kr: 300.
*Til sölu: Antik skrifborð hentar vel dömum med þykka fætur og stórar skúffur.
*Nú hefur þú tækifæri til að láta gata á þér eyrun og fá extra par með þér heim.
*Við eyðileggjum ekki fötin þín med óvöndudum vélum, við gerum það varlega í höndunum.
*Til sölu nokkrir gamlir kjólar af ömmu í góðu ástandi.
*Þetta hótel býdur upp á bowlingsali, tennisvelli, þægileg rúm og aðra iþróttaadstöðu.
*Brauðrist: Gjöfin sem allir fjölskyldumedlimir elska. Brennir brauðið sjálfvirkt!
*Við byggjum upp líkama sem endist ævilangt!
*Vantar mann til að vinna í dínamítverksmidju. Þarf ad vera tilbuinn til ad ferðast.
*Notaðir bílar. Því að fara annað og láta svíkja sig. Komdu til okkar!
*Vinna i boði fyrir mann til að hugsa um kú sem hvorki reykir né drekkur.
*Olæs? Skrifadu okkur strax i dag og við munum veita ther ókeypis aðstoð.
Til baka
NEWS BULLETIN - Men and women are NOT alike.
Sure, you thought you already knew that. But now we have proof! After countless hours of surveys and studies on the following topics, these facts have emerged:
Relationships:
First of all, a man does not call a relationship a relationship – he refers to it as ”the time when me and Suzie was doing it on a semi-regular basis.“ When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her heart out to her girlfriends and she will write a poem titled ”All Men Are Idiots.“ Then she will get on with her life.A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months after the break-up, at 3:30 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will call and say, ”I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life and I'll never forgive you and I hate you and you're a total whore. But I want you to know there's always a chance for us." This is known as the ‘I Hate You/I Love You - Drunken Phone Call. 99% of all men have place at least one such call. There are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over this need; alas, these classes rarely prove effective.
Sex:
Women prefer 30 - 45 minutes of foreplay. Men prefer 30 - 45 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving back to her place as part of the foreplay.
Bathrooms:
A man has at most 6 items in his bathroom – a toothbrush, toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towell from the Holiday Inn. The average number of items in a typical woman’s bathroom is 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
Groceries:
A woman makes a list of things she needs and then goes to the store and buys these things. A man waits until the only items left in his fridge are half a lemon and something turning green. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less lane. [of course! :) ]
The Telephone:
Men see the telephone as a communications tool. They use the telephone to send short messages to other people. A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk for three hours.
Dressing up:
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, or get the mail. A man will dress up for the following: weddings, funerals.
Toys:
Little girls love to play with toys. Then, when they reach the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest. Men never grow out of their obsession with toys. As they get older, their toys simply become more expensive and impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniture TV's, car phones, complicated juicers and blenders, graphic equalizers, small robots that serve cocktails on command, video games, anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least six “D” batteries to operate.
Plants:
A woman asks a man to water the plants while she is on vacation. The man waters the plants. The woman comes home five days later to an apartment full of dead plants. No one knows why this happens.
Sniglarnir.
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach withthe bucket to gather some snails.Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach. As he was collecting the snails , he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach.He kept thinking to himself, “Wouldn't it be great if she would evenjust come down and talk to me?” He went back to gathering the snails. All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!” He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where he's been all this time.He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, “Come on guys, we're almost there!!”
Sálfræðiþjónustan.
Psychiatric Hotline
Hello, Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2.
If you have multiple personalities, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid-delusional, we know who you are and what you want. Just stay on the line so we can trace the call.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press. No one will answer.
-
Hugi notar vefkökur til að bæta notendaupplifun á vefsíðunni og greina umferð um hana.
Einnig hefur Hugi uppfært persónuverndarstefnu sína.