Some Rules Kids Won't Learn in School
Unfortunately there are some things that children should be learning in school, but don't. Not all of them have to do with academics. As a modest back-to-school offering, here are some basic rules that may not have found their way into the standard curriculum.
Rule #1. Life is not fair. Get used to it. The average teenager uses the phrase “it's not fair” 8.6 times a day. You got it from your parents, who said it so often you decided they must be the most idealistic generation ever. When they started hearing it from their own kids, They realized Rule #1.

Rule #2. The real world won't care as much about your self-esteem as your school does. It'll expect you to accomplish something before you feel good about yourself. This may come as a shock. Usually, when inflated self-esteem meets reality, kids complain that it's not fair. (See Rule No. 1)

Rule #3. Sorry, you won't make $40,000 a year right out of high school. And you won't be a vice president or have a car phone either. You may even have to wear a uniform that doesn't have a Gap label.

Rule #4. If you think your teacher is tough, wait ‘till you get a boss. He doesn’t have tenure, so he tends to be a bit edgier. When you screw up, he is not going ask you how feel about it.

Rule #5. Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your grandparents had a different word for burger flipping. They called it opportunity. They weren't embarrassed making minimum wage either. They would have been embarrassed to sit around talking about Kurt Cobain all weekend.

Rule #6. It's not your parents' fault. If you screw up, you are responsible. This is the flip side of “It's my life,” and “You're not the boss of me,” and other eloquent proclamations of your generation. When you turn 18, it's on your dime. Don't whine about it or you'll sound like a baby boomer.

Rule #7. Before you were born your parents weren't as boring as they are now. They got that way paying your bills, cleaning up your room and listening to you tell them how idealistic you are. And by the way, before you save the rain forest from the blood-sucking parasites of your parents' generation try delousing the closet in your bedroom.

Rule #8. Life is not divided into semesters, and you don't get summers off. Nor even Easter break. They expect you to show up every day. For eight hours. And you don't get a new life every 10 weeks. It just goes on and on.

Rule #9. Television is not real life. Your life is not a sitcom. Your problems will not all be solved in 30 minutes, minus time for commercials. In real life, people actually have to leave the coffee shop to go to jobs. Your friends will not be perky or as polite as Jennifer Aniston.

Rule #10. Be nice to nerds. You may end up working for them. We all could.

Rule #11. Enjoy this while you can. Sure, parents are a pain, school's a bother, and life is depressing. But someday you'll realize how wonderful it was to be kid. Maybe you should start now.

- From a college graduation speech by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr.





Lessons Grown-ups Learn From Kids
There is no such thing as child-proofing your house.

If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

A 4 years-old's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing a superman cape.

It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room.

Baseballs make marks on ceilings.

You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on.

When using the ceiling fan as a bat you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit.

The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.

When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh” it's already too late.

A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year old man says they can only do it in the movies.

A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.

If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes.

A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep.

Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old.

Duplos will not.

Play Dough and Microwave should never be used in the same sentence.

Super glue is forever.

McGyver can teach us many things we don't want to know.

No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

Pool filters do not like Jello.

VCR's do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.

Always look in the oven before you turn it on.

Plastic toys do not like ovens.

The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy.

It will however make cats dizzy.

Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

Quiet does not necessarily mean don't worry.

A good sense of humor will get you through most problems in life (unfortunately, mostly in retrospect).