Ég vona að þetta sé nóg af bröndurum:

1.To catch a thief…

A man was going up to bed, when his wife told him he'd left the light on in the garden shed, she could see it from the bedroom window. But he said that he hadn't been in the shed that day. He looked himself, and there were people in the shed, stealing things.
He rang the police, but they told him that no-one was in his area, so no-one was available to catch the thieves. He said, “OK,” hung up, counted to 30 and rang the police again.
“Hello. I just rang you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed?
Well, you don't have to worry about them now, I've just shot them all!”
Within five minutes there were half a dozen police cars in the area, an Armed Response unit,the works. Of course, they caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to the man: “I thought you said you'd shot them!”
He replied: “I thought YOU said there was no-one available!”


2.Taking Mom for her word…

A woman was teaching her kindergarten class when shenoticed a little boy at the back of the class squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on.

He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had justrecently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. She told him to go down to the principal's office, phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it.

He did, and returned to class. Suddenly, there was a hugecommotion at the back of the room.
She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his privates hanging out.

“I thought I told you to call your mom!!!” the teacher shouted.

“I did,” he said, “Mom told me if I could stick it out till noon, she'd come and pick me up!”


3.A last request granted…

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning.
Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him
if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he didn't want anything special. When they
asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.
“No,” the inmate said, “just get it over with!”

“Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?” said the guard.
“You didn't even want a special last meal!”

The inmate thought. “Actually,” he said, “Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be
to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with NO interruptions.”

The warden agrees and nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, “One billion bottles of beer on the wall…”


4.A list of jobs I tried to hold down… ( Puns Intended :)

My first job was working in an orange juice factory, but I got canned couldn't concentrate.
Then I worked in the woods as a lumberjack, but I just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe.
After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn't suited for it. Mainly because it was a so-so job.
Next I tried working in a muffler factory but that was exhausting.
I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn't cut it.
Then I tried to be a chef–figured it would add a little spice to my life but I just didn't have the thyme.
Finally, I attempted to be a deli worker, but any way I sliced it, I couldn't cut the mustard.
My best job was being a musician, but eventually I found I wasn't noteworthy.
I studied a long time to become a doctor, but I didn't have any patients.
Next was a job in a shoe factory; I tried but I just didn't fit in.
I became a professional fisherman, but discovered that I couldn't live on my net income.
Thought about becoming a witch, so I tried that for a spell.
I managed to get a good job working for a pool maintenance company, but the work was just too draining.
I got a job at a zoo feeding giraffes but I was fired because I wasn't up to it.
So then I got a job in a gymnasium (work-out-center), but they said I wasn't fit for the job.
Next, I found being an electrician interesting, but the work was shocking.
After many years of trying to find steady work I finally got a job as a historian until I realized there was no future in it.
My last job was working at Starbucks, but I had to quit because it was always the same old grind.


5.When a nut isn't a nut…

Jones is driving past the state mental hospital when his left rear tire suffers a flat.
While Jones is changing the tire, another car goes by, running over the hub cap in
which Jones was keeping the lug nuts. the nuts are all knocked into a nearby storm drain.

Jones is at a loss for what to do and is about to go call a cab when he hears a shout from
behind the hospital fence, where one of the inmates has been watching the whole thing.

“Hey, pal! Why don't you just take one lug nut off each of the other three wheels?
That'll hold your tires on until you can get to a garage or something.”

Jones is startled by the patient's seeming rationality, but realizes the plan will work,
and installs the spare tire without incident. Before he leaves, he calls back to the patient.
“You know, that was pretty sharp thinking. Why do they have you in there?”

The patient smiles and says, “I'm in here because I'm crazy, not because I'm stupid!”


6.The divorce classic…

A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, “May I help you?”
The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well, do you have any grounds?”
The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.”

The attorney said, “No, you don't understand, do you have a case?”
The farmer said, “No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No, you don't understand. I mean do you have a grudge?”
The farmer said, “Yea, I got a grudge. That's where I park my John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?”
The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney said, “Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?”
The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?!”

And the farmer says, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”