Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Lady 1: “What's that?”
Lady 2: “A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.”
Lady 1: “Where did you get it?”
Lady 2: “You can get them at any drugstore.”
The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a package of condoms. The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, AFTER all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks what brand she prefers.
Lady 1: “Listen Sonny, it doesn't matter as long as it fits a camel.”

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A couple got married and after the reception they were heading off to the farm in the horse and cart. Along the way, the horse stopped to have a nibble of grass off the side of the road. The farmer got out of the cart and grabbed the bridle, looked the horse in the eyes and said,
“That's once”
He then hopped back onto the cart and proceeded down the road once again. About a mile or so later, the horse stopped again and started eating the grass. The farmer hopped off the wagon, got his rifle and shot the horse dead.
His new bride was horrified, and screamed at him,
“What the hell did you do that for”
The farmer said: “That's once”

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A not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom, staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed: “Give four advantages of breast milk.”
What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:
1. No need to boil.
2. Never goes sour.
3. Available whenever necessary.
So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a fourth answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. Suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:
4. Available in attractive containers of varying sizes.
He received an A.

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Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. As a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down, also knocking the snake about quite a bit.
“Oh, my,” said the bunny. “I'm terribly sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you. You see, I've been blind since birth, so I can't see where I'm going, and, in fact, since I'm also an orphan, don't even know what I am.”
“Quite okay,” replied the snake. “Actually, my story is much the same as yours, as I am also blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could kinda slither over you, and figure out what you are, so at least you'll have that going for you.”
“Oh, that would be wonderful,” said the bunny.
So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, “Well, you're covered with soft fur, and you have really long ears, and your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny.”
“Oh, thank you! Thank you!” cried the bunny in obvious excitement, “Maybe I could feel you with my paw, and help you the same way you've helped me.”
So the bunny felt the snake all over, and said, “Well, you're scaly and slimy, you have a forked tongue, no backbone, and no balls. I'd say you must be a politician.”