Grandpa's advice:

“Don't marry a woman with big hands. It'll makes your dick look smaller.”

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This apparently really happened on the local news in Michigan… thanks Ben

What happens when you predict snow but don't get any….

We had a female news anchor who, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: “So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?”

Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard!

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When a new factory opened up in town, the Human Resources Department posted a sign: Married Men Only Need Apply.

A local women's group, outraged at the policy, confronted the HR Manager. “Why do you only hire married men?

Is it because you think us women are weak, dumb, what?”

“No, Ma'am, not at all,” the manager responded. “It's because we want employees who are used to obeying orders, accustomed to being shoved around, know how to keep their mouths shut and don't cry when a manager yells at them.”

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A trucker who has been out on the road for three weeks stops into a brothel outside Vegas. He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says, “I want your ugliest woman and a bologna sandwich!!!”

The Madam is astonished. “But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal.”

The trucker replies, “Listen sweetheart, I ain't looking for great sex, I'm homesick.”

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2 blondes walk into a department store. They walk up to the perfume counter and pick up a sample bottle.

Sharon sprays it on her wrist and smells it. “That's quite nice innit, don't you fink Trace”

“Yeah what's it called?”

“Viens a moi.”

“Viens a moi, what the fack does that mean?”

At this stage the assistant offers some help. “Viens a moi, ladies, is French for ‘come to me’”

Sharon takes another sniff and offers her arm to Tracey again saying….. “That doesn't smell like come to me, does that smell like come to you?”