A little blind girl goes up to her mum and says, “Mummy, mummy, when will I be able to see?”

Her mum replies “I'll tell you what, I'll take you to the chemist and get you some special cream for your eyes and you will be able to see in the morning.”

So off they went to the chemist, got the cream, and went home, all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited at the prospect of being able to see again.

Once they got home, the mother put the cream on the little girls eyes, wrapped a bandage around her head, and took her to bed.

The following morning the little girl stumbled into her mums bedroom and excitedly shouted “Quick mummy, take off the bandage so that i will be able to see again.”

So the mother slowly took of all the bandages, taking her time, and all the while the little girl was getting more and more excited. Once they were off the little girl said “But mummy, I still can't see.”

To which the mother replied, “April fool!”




Two guys were swapping stories in the park one day and one guy (a war vet) mentioned that during the war he was captured and held for weeks without food.

The other guy asked, “How could you survive without food?”

“It wasn't easy,” he said. “But I had a big meal before I was captured and learned to eat my own shit.”

“WHAT?? That's disgusting!” said the first guy. “I don't believe you!”

Without a second thought the vet reached into his pants, shit in his hand and promptly ate it on the spot.

The second guy (now gagging) said, “My God! If you can do that so easily, we can bet big money and rake in a fortune!!”

“Sounds good to me,” said the vet “I can use the money.”

The next day the guy had set up a bet with two wealthy but unbelieving high rollers.

“This I gotta see,” said one of the gamblers.

“It aint gonna happen,” said the other. “No one can eat their own shit.”

“Lets do it,” said the vet's buddy as he set down a plate full of shit in front of the vet.

The vet looks down ready to dig in, when all of a sudden he bolts from the table and projectile pukes a streak across the room right on the two gamblers. In a rage the gamblers kick the living crap out of both the vet and his buddy, they take their winnings and leave.

“We lost it all!!” said the buddy. “Why in the hell didn't you eat the shit??”

“There was a hair in it!” said the vet.



A guy went into a bar and met a nice girl. They have a few drinks and soon wound up at his place, in bed.

They're having a great time. She was on top when suddenly she had an epileptic seizure – she was shaking and foaming at the mouth.

Our uninformed male thought this was incredible – best sex he'd ever had. He finished, but she is still shaking and thrashing about with her seizure. He began to get nervous and took her to the emergency room.

A nurse asked what the problem was and he replied, “I think her orgasm's stuck!”



The salesman stopped at a farmhouse one evening to ask for room and board for the night. The farmer told him there was no vacant room. “I could let you sleep with my daughter,” the farmer said, “if you promise not to bother her.”

The salesman agreed. After a hearty supper, he was led to the room. He undressed in the dark, slipped into bed, and felt the farmer's daughter at his side. The next morning he asked for his bill.

“It'll be just two dollars, since you had to share the bed,” the farmer said.

“Your daughter was very cold,” the salesman said.

“Yes, I know,” said the farmer. “We're going to bury her today.”



Young couple in the cinema. The girl says, “I must have a piss,can I sqeeze past you?”

“Why dont you squat down on the floor and do it” says the boyfriend. “You'll have to disturb all these people, besides its dark, no one will see you.”

“OK” she says. She pulls her drawers down and squats on the floor.

The bloke starts feeling horny at the thought of her down there, so he reaches down and makes a grab.

He feels something long and hard and says, “Urgh! Have you changed your sex?”

“No” she says “I've changed my mind….I'm having a shit instead.”



Q: Why is a necrophiliac like a fur trapper?
A: They're both hunting for dead beaver.



A couple's making out in the movies.
She says, “Harry, I think I just swallowed your gum.”
He says, “No, I was just clearing my throat.”



A woman is on the witness stand.

The judge says, “What happened?”

She says, “I was walking down the sidewalk, when he grabbed me, dragged me into an alley, ripped off my dress, pulled down my panties, and bent me over a garbage can… I…I don't even remember what happened next…”

The judge says (jerking off motion), “Make something up! Make something up!”



A newly-wed couple wake up on the first morning of the their honeymoon in the Caribbean and decide to take a stroll down the beach. On their way they pass a shanty house, and sitting on the front porch is an overweight woman, stark naked, legs akimbo, eating a slice of watermelon.

The husband sees this and liking the idea of his new wife exhibiting her body in public asks her whether she would do the same. The wife looks at him in disgust and refuses.

The second morning they pass the shanty house again and, sure enough, the overweight woman is sitting on the porch stark naked, legs akimbo, eating another slice of watermelon. Not being put off be his new wife's refusal, the husband enquires of his wife, “Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?”

The wife again refuses.

This continues each morning for two weeks until it is the last day of the honeymoon. Each morning they would pass by the woman, each morning the husband would try to persuade his new wife to copy her, and each morning the wife would refuse. However, it being the last morning the husband gives it one more try and enquires of his wife, “Why don't you go over and ask that woman what it feels like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?”

The wife finally gives in, opens the gate of the shanty house and walks up to the overweight woman on the front porch. “What does it feel like to sit there naked, letting the air waft over your pussy?” she asks, hesitantly.

“I don't rightly know, replies the woman, ”but it sure keeps the flies off of my watermelon.“



Warning! - a truly sick and twisted joke!

A man is finishing a physical exam and his family doctor asks:

”Everything looks okay; is there anything else you can think of?“

”Well, yes, I'd like a birth control prescription for my daughter.“

”Your daughter? Why she's only 12…you don't mean she's sexually active?“

”Nah…she just lays there like her mother."