Varúð.

Ef þú móðgast auðveldlega. Ekki lesa brandarana hér fyrir neðan.

































The McCartney kids are at the family ranch anxiously awaiting news of their mother.

Paul emerges from his wife's bedroom.

“Kid's……there's good news and bad news.”

“The bad news is your mother's strength and will to live has been sucked away by her awful disease and she died a few moments ago”

“The good news is…. It's steak and chips for dinner!”



These two starving bums are walking through an alley when one of them sees a dead cat. He runs over, sits down and starts to eat the cat, tearing the meat from its limbs. Hhe says to the other bum, “Hey, I know you're hungry, too. Why don't you eat some of this cat?”

“Hell no!!!” replies the second bum, “That cat's been dead for days, he's all stiff and cold and smelly!”

The first bum says, “Okay, suit yourself,” and continues to eat everything, skin, muscle, guts, all but the skeleton.

A few hours later as they are walking down the street the first bum says, “Oh, I don't feel so good. I think there might have been something wrong with that cat.”

And just then, he pukes up a huge puddle of rotten cat flesh and guts with stomach bile mixed in, all half digested and looking like mush.

The second bum sits down next to the puddle and says, “Now you're talkin'! It's been months since I had a WARM meal!!!”



Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers. The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.

The women says, “Sure, if you fuck me.”

The first man replies, “I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass.”

The second man wants to live and agree's to do the deed. The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, “fuck me then!” The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes. He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window. The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed. The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentlman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, “Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn.”



A guy walks into a whorehouse and tells one of the girls he wants a blowjob. The girl takes him to a room and proceeds suck him off without a condom. While she does so, the guy sees a half-full bucket of sperm beside the bed.

He disregards the strange site as he enjoys the best blowjob of his life. A second later, he shoots long lines of semen into her mouth. She takes every drop, but instead of swallowing, she spits the cum into that damned bucket.

The guy wonders aloud, “Don't like swallowing spuzz, huh?”

She wipes her mouth and replies, “Another girl and I have a bet. Whoever fills up a bucket first gets to drink both buckets.”



A poor little girl was begging in the street. A man passed by and the girl mumbled, “Please, sir, give me some money for a fix.”

The man answers, astonished, “Good heavens! But, how old are you, little girl?”

“I'm eight, sir.”

“Oh, my God, and how long have you been into drugs?”

“Since I was raped, sir, when I was four.”

“RAPED?! And who raped you, little girl?”

“I don't remember, I was drunk.”



After many years at sea, John returned to his home village while on leave. He hadn't had a woman for may years and was desperate.

He immediately searched for a brothel. After searching, he finds a suitable establishment.

After entering the brothel, he asks the madam how much for a woman.

'£100' she replies

'I can't afford that, I only have 50p'

'I'm sorry sir but we have nothing for as little as 50p'

'But please help me.. I'm desperate… I have been at sea for many years…. I need a woman… any woman!'

The lady thinks for a moment and grins to herself.

'Well if you are that desperate… go to room 23 down the hallway.'

Grateful to the madam, he searches for room 23.

He finally finds the room and enters. Inside he discovers the most grotesque woman alive. Spots on her face, greasy hair etc.

'How do you want me luv?'

'Errr, on your back with your legs in the air!'

When she lays on her back and parts her legs, he is horrified to see crabs running in between her legs.

'Yuck, I ain't doing that'

'Well, I can turn on all fours!' she replies

'Ok' says the man and immediatly she gets on all fours.

'Oh my god… you have shit all over your arse.. that's sick'

'Well there is one more way we can do this.'

'Is there?' he asks

'Yeah…' and she removes an eye from its socket. ‘Stick your dick in there… go on!’

He places his dick in the empty socket and starts pumping hard.

Minutes later he orgasms violently.

'That was fantastic… how ‘bout you?’

'Great… when will you be in town next?'

'In about 2-3 years time!'

'Great, I'll keep an eye out for you then!'



A pub landlord is shutting up for the night when there is a knock at the door. When he answers, a Tramp asks him for a tooth-pick. He gives him the toothpick and the tramp goes off.

A few minutes later there is a second knock. When he answers, there is a second Tramp who also asks for a toothpick. He gets his toothpick and off he goes.

There is a third knock at the door, and a third Tramp. The landlord says, “Don't tell me, you want a toothpick too.”

“No, a straw,” says the Tramp.

The landlord gives him a straw but is curious as to why he wants it, so he asks the Tramp why he wants a straw and not a toothpick.

To which the Tramp replies, “Some bloke just threw up outside but all the good stuff's gone already”.



A little girl is standing by the edge of a cliff crying her eyes out.

This man comes over and says, “What's wrong little girl?”

The little girl still crying just points over to the edge of the cliff. The man looks over the edge and sees a car with the little girls parents mangled in the rocks below.

The man turns round and undoing his flies says, “I guess it just ain't your lucky day”!!!



Two paedophiles were walking down the street one day when they came across a pair of small lacey knickers on the ground.

The first one picks them up, smells them and goes, “Aahhh… A seven-year-old girl.”

The other grabs them from him and also takes a smell and goes, “No, no … Definitely an eight-year-old girl!”

The two of them are them smelling them in turns and arguing. “An eight-year-old!”, “No, a seven-year-old!”, “Definitely an eight-year-old!” …. and so on.

The local priest is walking past as the two men argue and can't help but ask them what the commotion is all about.

The first paedophile tells the priest, and asks him if he could sort out the argument, so the priest takes the knickers, has a good long sniff, and after pondering for a few moments he looks at the two men and says:

“Definitely an eight-year-old girl! ……… but not from my parish!”



A man, dying from thirst, was crawling through the desert. He crawled over a hill and sees a little bar surounded by cars. He crawls in the front door and up to the bar. He chokes out the word, “Water!” The bartender looks at him and says, “Got any money?”

The guy shakes his head no and again says, “Water!”

The bartender says, “No money, no water.” The guy looks around and spots a spitoon. He tells the bartender, “Guess I'll have to drink this.”

The bartender replies, “Be my guest, no money, no water.”

Customers see the man drinking out of the spitoon, start getting sick and start rushing out the door in droves.

The bartender gets alarmed and tells the guy to stop, saying he was just kidding. The guy keeps on drinking. By now the bartender is in a panic as the place is almost empty. He pleads with the guy to stop drinking. As the last customer leaves the guy puts the spitoon down and and wipes his mouth off.

The bartender asks, “Why did you keep on drinking? I told you I was just kidding.”

The man responds, “I couldn't stop.”

“Why not?” the bartender asks.

The guy replies, “Cos it was all one long string!!”