Varúð.

Brandararnir hér að neðan gætu valdið þér sálarkvillum ef þú lest þá. Ef þú ákveður að lesa þá, þá er geðheilsa þín fullkomlega á þinni ábyrgð.
































A boy in the sixth grade comes home after school one day. His mother notices that he's got a big smile on his face.

She asks, “Did anything special happen at school today?”

“Yes, Mom. I had sex with my English teacher!”

The mother is stunned. “You're going to talk about this with your father when he gets home.”

Well, when dad comes home and hears the news he is pleased as punch. Beaming with pride, he walks over to his son and says, “Son, I hear you had sex with your English teacher.”

“That's right, Dad.”

“Well, you became a man today - this is cause for celebration. Let's head out for some ice cream, and then I'll buy that new bike you've been asking for.”

“That sounds great, Dad, but I can I have a football instead? My ass is killing me.”



A little girl goes up to her mom and asks, “What's that?”

The mom answers, “A vagina.”

And the little girl asks, “Well, when am I gonna get one?”

And the mom answers, “As soon as you grow up.”

Then the little girl goes up to her dad and asks, “What's that?”

And the dad answers, “A penis.”

So the little girl asks, “Well, when am I gonna get one?”

And the the dad answers, “As soon as your mom goes to work.”



A fellow was on his honeymoon near his favorite fishing lake and he would fish from dawn to dark with his favorite fishing guide. One day the guide, friend of many years, mentioned that the honeymoon seemed to be spent fishing.

“Yes, but you know how I love to fish…”

“But aren't you newlyweds supposed to be into something else?”

“Yes, but she's got gonorrhea; and you know how I love to fish”

A few hours later, “I understand, but that's not the only way to have sex.”

“I know, but she's got diarrhea; and you know how I love to fish…”

The following day: “Sure, but that's still not the only way to have sex.”

“Yeah, but she's got phyrrea(*mouth rot*); and you know how I love to fish…”

Late that afternoon, thoroughly frustrated the guide comments, “I guess I'm not sure why you'd marry someone with health problems like that.”

“It's ‘cause she’s also got worms; and you know I just love to fish…”



A man is getting ready to fuck his new girlfriend for the first time. He tries to push his dick in, but he can't get it in. He tries and tries, but to no avail. Finally he pushes inside her and starts giving it to her. He says, “Damn, this hurts. It's so tight I can barely take it.”

She says, “OK. Let me go to the bathroom and make it a little easier.”

He climbs off and she disappears for a few moments. When she returns, she lays down and he climbs back on top of her. He slides in again, and this time it's much easier.

“Ahhh. That's more like it. Did you put some KY jelly in there?”

“Nope,” she replies, “I just peeled off the fucking scabs…”



A pretty young 12 year old girl has her Grandma's birthday coming up and being conscientious young lady she tries to thinks of something special she can get.

After begging her mother she is allowed to go into town on her own to get the present. Come Saturday afternoon, she dresses up in her little red skirt and her mother kisses her goodbye and warns her to be careful.

On the way into town a flashy red Porsche screeches up next to her and the guy asks her if she wants a lift. As she daintily replies “No thank you,” she notices a sticker for the local radio station in the rear window and gets a brilliant idea.

“Do you work at the radio station?” she asks.

“I own it. I'm the DJ and I'm the boss!!” he falsely replies.

“Wow,” she innocently squeaks, “would you let me say Happy Birthday to my Grandma on the radio??”

He laughs her off in a cool way and tells her that its a serious radio station for cool music and grown ups and that would be out of the question.

Still excited at her idea and sure that she can get her own way, she jumps up and down shrieking, “Oh please, please, I'll do anything!”

“Anything you say eh? Well OK then, maybe just this once we can fit you in,” he smiles ryely, and invites her to get in.

About a mile down the road he pulls into a secluded layby and runs around to her side of the car. He pops out his swollen tool which he has been caressing for the past five minutes and with the viens bulging out of his neck and his eyes focussed on the clouds shouts, “Come on then, come on!!”

She turn bright red and says, embarrassed, “I can't, I can't.”

Getting more and more angry he persuades her, “Come on, come on, come on!!!”

After several hesitations she suddenly grabs his penis puts the blood filled red end close to her lips and quickly shouts……….

“Hello Grandma, Happy Birthday!!”



Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, “Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life.”

Harry says, “My God. What's the good news?”

The doctor says, “I'm kidding. She's dead.”



A guy had a major argument with his girlfriend. He was in the wrong, but not enough to back down without an argument.

So after storming away, and cooling off, the guy had a think. He was clearly in the wrong and felt pretty guilty, with all the trauma it had caused.

So to make it up to his girlfriend, he said he'd buy her a gift.

“Any thing at all, my love”, the guy said, overcome with remorse.

“Oh, I don't know”, she replied, “You really shouldn't do this you know. But, if you are, just get me something really expensive, that I don't need.”

The following day he booked her in for chemotherapy.



It's the first of April, and Joe is out of town on business. He returns home to find out that his wife is at the hospital in labor having their first child.

He rushes to the hospital, and goes to his wife's side. She has already had the child. He goes to the nursery to see the baby.

He spots the name on a crib and motions to the nurse. She points at the crib and Joe says, “Yes, he's my son.”

The nurse picks up the baby and drops it on the floor.

Joe is aghast. The nurse says, “Don't worry.” She picks up the baby and slaps it hard across the face several times. Joe turns white in horror as she throws the baby across the nursery. Joe is about to faint as she holds the baby by it's testicles and swings it around her head.

Joe screams, “Stop you're kiling my baby!!!!”

The nurse responds, “April Fools… It was born dead…”



A young girl is with her dad at the barbers eating some candy, when it slips from her fingers into a pile of hair on the floor.

“Oh dear, have you got hair on your candy?” asked the barber.

“Don't be so stupid, I'm only three!!” said the girl!



This man pulls up in his Merc beside a little boy.

He opens the door, holds out a brown paper bag of sweets and says, “Hey kid, if I give you a sweetie, will you come in my car.”

To which the kid replies, “Gimme the bag and I'll come in your mouth!”