Varúð. Eftirfarandi brandarar gætu farið fyrir brjóstið á fólki. Ef þú ert auðsærð sál, og/eða auðveldlega móðguð. Þá mæli ég ekki með því að þú lesir það sem er hér fyrir neðan.

Ég tek enga ábyrgð á ástandi sálar þinnar eftir þennan lestur.




















In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a little girl wakes up from surgery.

Little Girl: Doctor, something is wrong… I can't feel my legs!

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.





There was a farmer who owned a bull and a female cow and was trying desperately to mate the two. No matter what he did the bull didn't want any.

Finally he went to a friend who claimed to have had the same problem. So he asked him what could he do. The friend told him that he had to stick his arm up the cows pussy and rub it on the bull's nose. After doing so the bull went crazy and started humping the cow over and over.

With the success of the bull the farmer starts to wonder if this will work for him. So that night he gets in bed and starts playing with his wife. He rubs his nose with his hand and gets the biggest boner he has ever gotten.

He wakes his wife and tells her to look. She looks, and with a mean look on her face says, “You woke me up to show me that you have a bloody nose.”





Charlie's an embalmer, and one day he says to his boss, “There's a problem with Mrs. Whittaker.”

The boss says, “What's that?”

Charlie says, “I was getting her cleaned up when I noticed a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy.”

The boss says, “That's impossible. Show me.”

They go to the table where she's lying, Charlie flips back the sheet, points, and says, “See? There's a jumbo shrimp sticking out of her pussy.”

The boss takes a closer look and says, “You jerk, that's not a piece of shrimp. That's her clit.”

Charlie says, “Her clit? Well, it sure tasted like shrimp.”






A boy and a pedophile are out at night, walking towards the forest.

The boy says, “It's dark! I don't like it! I'm scared!”

The pedophile says, “You're scared! I've got to walk back out of here on my own!”





A kid goes up to his father and says, “Hey, Pop, know how old I am today?”

His father says, “No…how old?”

He says, “I'm eleven!”

He goes into the kitchen and says to his grandmother, “Hey, Grandma, know how old I am today?”

She says, “Come closer…”

She unzips his jeans and reaches her thin, spotted arm down into his underwear.

She fondles his genitals for a few minutes and then she says, “You're eleven.”

He says, “How could you tell?”

She says, “I heard you tell your father.”






A guy says to his wife, “I'm in the mood for some 69.”

She says, “It's that time of the month, but if you don't care, I don't care.”

They go into the bedroom, and are 69'ing like mad dogs when the doorbell rings.

She says, “Answer the door.”
He says, “But my face is a mess.”
She says, “It's just the postman. Answer the door, and if he says anything, just tell him you were eating a jam sandwich.”

He opens the door and says, “I'm sorry about my mouth, I was eating a jam sandwich.”

The mailman says, “I wasn't looking at the jam on your mouth…I was looking at the peanut butter on your forehead.”






A girl goes up to her father one night and says, “Dad, can I have the car tonight?”

Her father looks at her thoughtfully and says, “Sure, if you give me a blowjob.”

So the girl puts his penis in her mouth and almost immediately spits it back out.

“Your penis tastes like shit!” she cries.

“Oh yeah,” her father replied, “I forgot I loaned the car to your brother tonight.”







This guy is sitting in his living room surfing the channels on the television. All of a sudden, the door of the apartment whips open and his girlfriend storms through.

She screams, “You fucking asshole!” and she heads into the bedroom.

Stunned, the man flips off the television and walks toward the bedroom, wondering, “Now what have I done?”

Inside the bedroom he finds the girl furiously packing a suitcase. He asks her what's up. She responds with a hiss, “My therapist says that I should leave you and that you're a pedophile!”

The man responds, “Wow, you're pretty smart for a 12 year old.”






Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover, “Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?”

His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says, “I don't feel anything.”

Bruce says, “Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out.”

So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says, “I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass.”

Bruce starts singing, “Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you…”







Bob goes into the public restroom and sees this guy standing next to the urinal. The guy has no arms. As Bob's standing there, taking care of business, he wonders to himself how the poor wretch is going to take a leak.

Bob finishes and starts to leave when the man asks Bob to help him out. Being a kind soul, Bob says, “Ah, OK, sure, I'll help you.”

The man asks, “Can you unzip my zipper?”
Bob says, “OK.”
Then the man says, “Can you pull it out for me?”
Bob replies, “Uh, yeah, OK.”

Bob pulls it out and it has all kinds of mold and red bumps, with hair clumps, rashes, moles, scabs, scars, and reeks something awful. Then the guy asks Bob to point it for him, and Bob points for him. Bob then shakes it, puts it back in and zips it up.

The guy tells Bob, “Thanks, man, I really appreciate it.”

Bob says, “No problem, but what the hell's wrong with your penis?”

The guy pulls his arms out of his shirt and says, "I don't know, but I ain't touching it.