After losing his fortune, a Texas oilman decided to spend his last twenty bucks at a whorehouse.

He entered and promptly went up to the Madam and asked her what he could get for $20. The Madam gave him a lengthy stare and told him to go upstairs, last door on the left.

He proceeded to march up the stairs and entered the room. To his shock and pleasure he saw a beautiful blonde waiting naked on the bed. So he tore off his clothes and jumped on and started pumping away for dear life.

Upon orgasm he noticed that stuff started oozing out of her eyeballs. He runs down to the Madam to report this and she looks at him turns around and yells, “Hey Charlie……. The dead one's full again!”



A woman walks into the doctors office with a huge boil on her arse.

The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core. He says this is too big a job for me so he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.

The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says “this is no problem” and he proceeds to press his lips to her arse and sucks out the pus and core of the boil.

Halfway through, the woman drops a mammoth fart. Gus stops what he's doing, looks up and says “You know lady, its people like you that make this job fucking disgusting.”



A leper walked into a bar and sat down. The bartender glanced over and promptly threw up all over himself and the floor.

The leper looked hurt and said, “Hey, I know I'm not exactly handsome, but I do have feelings and you could be a little sensitive about them.”

The bartender, wiping his mouth on his sleeve, looked up and proclaimed, “I'm sorry as hell man, but it wasn't you. That guy sitting next to you keeps dipping his crackers in your neck.”



Two necrophiliacs work in a morgue, and one of them tells the other one, “You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, she had a clitoris just like a pickle.”

“What,” the other asks, “green?”

“No,” says the first, “sour.”



Three whores decide to see who has the biggest snatch. They get naked, and start fingering themselves and each other.

After a few minutes, the first one squats on a glass top table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves.

The second one then squats on the table, and then they measure the slimy outline she leaves, which is even bigger.

The third one squats on the table, but when she stands back up, the first whore says, “You didn't leave an outline.”

She says, “Smell the rim.”



Three women were in the waiting room of a gynecologist, and each of them was knitting a sweater for their baby-to-be.

The first one stopped and took a pill. “What was that?” The others asked her.

“Oh, it was Vitamin C - I want my baby to be healthy.”

A few minutes later, another woman took a pill. “What was that?” the others asked.

“Oh, it was iron - I want my baby to be big and strong.” They continued knitting.

Finally the third woman took a pill. “What was that?” the others asked her.

“It was thalidomide,” she said, “I just can't get the arms right on this fucking sweater!”



Brent has been in jail for 10 long years.

The only thought that gets him through the day is women's bellybuttons. He loves ‘em. When he’s in the shower, eating a meal, making license plates, sleeping, avoiding anal rape in the bathroom, that's all he can think about.

So finally, he is released. They give hime sixty-five dollars, a cheap suit, and send him on his way. He makes an immediate bee-line for the nearest whorehouse.

Brent walks in and right up to the sleazy-looking guy behind the desk. “I need to lick a woman's navel!” he shouts.

“Sorry, sir,” the owner says. “We don't serve perverts here.”

Brent grabs the guy by the throat. “Listen!” he screams. “I just did ten years hard time, and if I don't get to lick some bellybuttons, I might just kill some-motherfuckin'-body!!!”

The owner directs him to a run-down wooden door. He walks through and sees an ugly, fat woman. That doesn't bother Brent, though, because not only does she have huge breasts, she has the deepest navel he's ever seen.

Brent dives in immediately. He licks, and licks, and licks…..and after a while, gets a piece of potato stuck in his teeth. ‘Hmmm, I don’t remember having potatoes for breakfast,' he thinks, but he keeps on goin'.

He licks, and licks, and licks…..and after a while, he gets a piece of meat stuck in his teeth. ‘I know I haven’t eaten meat for a while,' he thinks, but keeps right on goin'.

He licks, and licks, and licks…..and after a while, he gets a piece of corn in his teeth. That was the last straw. “I think I'm going to be sick, he moans.”

“That's funny,” says the whore. “That's what the last guy said.”



It's a Student nurses first day on the Maternity ward at the local hospital. Keen to impress, she goes up to the Senior nurse and presents herself and asks if there is anything she could do to help out straight away.

The Senior nurse, pleased with the students eagerness, passes over a little bundle and says, “this is little Johnny, he's only a few days old and he's not been well lately. Could you give him a bath while I attend to the other babies?”

Glad to help, the student disappears with the bundle.

About 30 minutes later, the Senior nurse is puzzled that the student hadn't come back yet, so goes and investigates.

She finds the student in bathroom with a bath half full of water, two fingers up the baby's nose, swilling the baby around it in a circular motion.

“What are you doing? That's not how you bath a baby!!!” screams the Senior nurse.

“It is when the water's this fucking hot!!!” replies the Student.




The stockbroker was nervous about being in prison because his cellmate looked like a real thug.

“Don't worry,” the gruff looking fellow said, “I'm in here for a white collar crime too.”

“Well, that's a relief,” sighed the stockbroker. “I was sent to prison for fraud and insider trading.”

“Oh nothing fancy like that for me,” grinned the convict. “I just murdered a couple of priests.”



A girl and a boy were at the back of the cinema, kissing passionately.

When they come up for air, the boy says, “I really love kissing you, but do you mind not passing me your chewing gum.”

The girl replies,“It's not chewing gum, I've got bronchitis”.