Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, “Because people are sleeping!”
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. And on this day, the teacher asked the class where they thought God lived. One little girl raised her hand, and the teacher called upon her. “I think God lives in the sky, because that is where heaven is.” the girl replied. “That's good!” said the teacher.
Another little boy raised his hand, and the teacher called on him. “And where do you think God lives?” she asked. Very piously, the boy answered “God lives in each of our hearts!” “That's VERY good,” she smiled.
When she asked a third time, Little Johnny was the only one who raised his hand. Quietly dreading his answer, the teacher asked, “And where do you think God lives, Johnny?” “In the bathroom.” he said. “In the bathroom?” she asked, puzzled yet unable to stop herself.
“Yes, because every morning my father beats on the bathroom door and screams ‘GOD, ARE YOU STILL IN THERE?’ ”
Little Johnny walks into his mother's room and catches her topless. “Mommy, what are those?” he says pointing to her breasts.
“Well Johnny,” she says, these are balloons and when you die they inflate and float you up to heaven.“ Incredibly, he appears to believe this explanation and goes off quite satisfied.
Two days later while his mother is making tea, he rushes into the kitchen. ”Mommy, Mommy, Aunt Eliza is dying!“
”Little Johnny what do you mean?“ says his mother.
”Well she's out in the garden shed, lying on the floor. Both of her balloons are out. Dad's blowing them up, and she keeps yelling, “God, I'm coming! God, I'm coming!!”
A Teacher asks her class to use the word “contagious.” Roland the class swot, gets up and says, “Last year I got the measles and my Mum said it was contagious.”
“Well done, Roland,” says the teacher. “Can anyone else try?”
Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, “My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious.”
“Well done, Katie” says the teacher. “Anyone else?”
Little Irish Johnny jumps up and says, “Our next door neighbor is painting his house with a two-inch brush and my Dad says it will take the contagious.”
One day at the end of class little Johnny's teacher has the class go home and think of a story and then infer the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story.
Little Suzy raises her hand. “My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road.”
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Suzy replies, “Don't put all your eggs in one basket.”
Next is little Lucy. “Well my dad owns a farm too and every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only 8 of the 12 eggs hatched.”
The teacher asks for the moral of the story. Lucy replies, “Don't count your chicks before they're hatched.”
Last is Little Johnny. “My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed with only a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down he drank the case of beer.Unfortunately, he landed right in the middle of 100 North Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but ran out of bullets, so he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. The blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands.”
The teacher looks in shock at Little Johnny and asks if there is possibly any moral to his story. Johnny replies, “Don't screw with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking.”
Little Johnny comes home from his first day at school. His mother asks, “Well, what did you learn today?”
The kid replies, “Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow.”
As most young and weak kids are, Little Johnny was picked on constantly by the bullies in school. They stole his lunch, they beat him up and just downright made his life miserable. It took him a couple of weeks to find a way to get back at these bullies and when he found out what would get them back, he went all out.
He was on the bus where he normally gets his lunch stolen when he brought out a bottle that had what looked like small brown balls in it. He then, making sure no one was looking, secretly took from his pocket some milk duds and started popping them in his mouth as obvious to the rest of the kids as possible making yum yum noises.
The bully without asking snatched the jar from Little Johnny's hand and asked, “What's in the bottle that you are making such a big deal of?”
“Well, they're smart pills.”
“Smart pills?” the bully asked. Then opened the jar and popped a couple of the foreign brown balls in his mouth. “Pweeuuweppblahhh!!” he reacted. “What is this stuff? It tastes like rabbit poop!!”
“See, you're getting smarter already.”
Grandpa and Little Johnny are sitting on a bench in the park. Johnny asked, “Grandpa are you going to take that new Viagra?”
Grandpa looks at him and says, “No Johnny, I will not.”
“But Grandpa, why?” asks little Johnny.
Grandpa replies, “Because there is no sense in putting lead in your pencil if you have no one to write to.”
Little Johnny goes by his parents room and sees them having sex, and he asked his father what they were doing and the father said they were playing poker and his mother was his “Wild Card”. Johnny said ok and left.
The next weekend he is at his grandparents home and he sees his grandfather doing it to his grandmother and again little Johnny asked what he was doing. The grandfather said he was playing poker and his grandmother was his “Wild Card”. Little Johnny said ok and left. About two weeks after that, Johnny's dad goes by the bathroom and he hears Johnny in there he opens the door and sees Johnny masturbating. When he asked him what he was doing Johnny said he was playing poker. When his dad asked him where his “Wild Card” was, Johnny said, “With a hand like this you don't need a ”Wild Card“.
A professor of chemistry wanted to teach his 5th grade class a lesson about the evils of liquor, so he produced an experiment that involved a glass of water, a glass of whiskey, and two worms.
”Now, class. Observe closely the worms,“ said the professor putting a worm first into the water. The worm in the water writhed about, happy as a worm in water could be.
The second worm, he put into the whiskey. It writhed painfully, and quickly sank to the bottom, dead as a doornail. ”Now, what lesson can we derive from this experiment?“ the professor asked.
Johnny, who naturally sits in back, raised his hand and wisely responded, ”Drink whiskey and you won't get worms.“
The teacher decided to give a pop quiz on this week's spelling words. She asked the students to spell the words and use them in a sentence. Three of the words were: hotel, stigma and homosexual.
Little Johnny's answers were:
1. h-o-t-e-l The President asked Monica to keep their affair on the down low, but Linda Tripp made the ho tel.
2. s-t-i-g-m-a The President said to Monica, ”I want you to stig ma cigar in your you know what.
3. h-o-m-o-s-e-x-u-a-l The President asked Monica not to wear panties because he thought it made the ho mo sexual.
Little Johnny was late for class, and when he saw that the door was already closed, he opened it and went into the classroom tentatively. He very quietly shut the door and tiptoed to his seat hoping not to get the teacher after him.
This upset the teacher, who said him, “Johnny, is this how your father would have come in - late and sneaking to his seat? Go out and try it again, and get it right this time!”
So, Little Johnny left the room and shut the door behind him quietly, as he'd come in. Then a moment later, he flung open the door with a clatter and stomped back into the room with a lit cigarette dangling from his lips. He slammed the door behind him, put his cigarette out on the carpet with his foot and said, “So Honey, didn't expect ME, did ya?”
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time.
She was reluctant to call on little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But, eventually, his turn came…Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class and, with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well, the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.
“It's a period,” reported Johnny.
“Well, I can see that,” she said, “But what is so exciting about a period?”
“Damned if I know,” said Johnny, “But this morning, my sister said she missed one. Then Dad had a heart attack, Mom fainted, and the man next door shot himself.”
“Johnny,” the teacher started, “Do you know what ‘paranoia’ means?”
“It's not a word, teach, it's several words,” Johnny replied.
“Whatever do you mean by that?”
“It's like when you go into a restaurant and a well endowed waitress with a low cut uniform reaches in front of you and says, ‘Does my paranoia?’”
Little Johnny goes to school, and the teacher says, “Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?”
Little Johnny waves his hand, “Me, me, me!”
The teacher says, “Alright, Johnny, what is your multi-syllable word?”
Johnny says “Mas-tur-bate.”
The teacher smiles and says, “Wow, little Johnny, that's a mouthful.”
Johnny says, “No, you're thinking of a blowjob. I'm talking about a wank.”
One Sunday morning the pastor noticed little Johnny was standing staring up at the large plaque that hung in the foyer of the church. The young man of seven had been staring at the plaque for some time, so the pastor walked up and stood beside him and gazing up at the plaque he said quietly, “Good morning son.”
“Good morning pastor” replied the young man not taking his eyes off the plaque. “Sir, what is this?” Johnny asked.
“Well son, these are all the people who have died in the service,” replied the pastor. Soberly, they stood together staring up at the large plaque.
Little Johnny's voice barely broke the silence when he asked quietly, “Which one sir, the 8:30 or the 10:30 service?”
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day when the teacher said, “Class, today I am going to teach you about Custer's Last Stand. For your homework tonight I want you to depict with a drawing the lesson I am about to give.” So the teacher goes on to relate the story of Custer's Last Stand.
That evening at home, Little Johnny is stumped by his assignment. But all of a sudden, a light goes off in his head and he begins to draw his assignment. He is so inspired that he is convinced that he will get an “A” for the project.
The next day Little Johnny hands in his assignment and the teacher looks at it. Little Johnny had drawn a picture of a cow its head surrounded by a halo standing there praying and around the cow there were lots of Indian couples having sex.
The teacher was mortified. “Little Johnny! What is this!? I never talked about any of this yesterday!”
Little Johnny then said, “But weren't Custer's last words ”Holy Cow!! Look at all those f*cking Indians!“
The teacher asked her students to use the word ”fascinate“ in a sentence. Mary said, ”My family went to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals. It was fascinating.“
The teacher said, ”That was good, Mary, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate.’“
Sally raised her hand. She said, ”My family went to the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was fascinated.“
The teacher said, ”Again, that was good, Sally, but I wanted the word ‘fascinate.’“
Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad language. She finally decided there was no way he could vulgarize the word ”fascinate“ so she called on him.
Johnny stood by the side of his desk and said with a smile, ”My sister has a sweater with 10 buttons, but her tits are so big, she can only fasten 8.“
Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
”Why do you do that, mommy?“ he asked.
”To make myself beautiful,“ said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
”What's the matter?“ asked Little Johnny. ”Giving up?“
A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom where he saw her rubbing her body and moaning, ”I need a man, I need a man!“
Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning again. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her.
Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, and started stroking himself, moaning, ”Ohhhh, I need a bike! I need a bike!“
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. She told the class, ”I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red.“
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely, ignored him and picked Jenny, who promptly answered, ”An apple.“
The teacher answered, ”No Jenny, it's a beet, but I like your thinking. Now, for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish.“
Well, Johnny was hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skipped him again and called on Billy. ”Is it a peach?“
”No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like you're thinking. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard.“
By now, Johnny was about to explode as he waved his hand frantically. The teacher skipped him again and called on Sally. ”A banana,“ she said.
”No,“ the teacher replies, ”it's a squash, but I like your thinking.“
Johnny was kind of irritated now, so he spoke up loudly. ”Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it's got a head on it.“
”Johnny!“ she cried. ”That's disgusting!“
”Nope,“ answered Johnny. ”It's a quarter, but I like your thinking!“
A man was walking on the sidewalk and noticed up ahead that Little Johnny was wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large Labrador Retriever. When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.
Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, ”That's really a nice fire engine you have there son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck.“
”Yeah,“ Johnny replied, ”But then I wouldn't have a siren.“
er eitthver að nenna að lesa þetta allt ? láta mig vita :)
Little Johnny is passing his parents' bedroom in the middle of the night, in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the Act. Before dad can even react, Little Johnny exclaims, ”Oh,boy! Horsy ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?“
Daddy, relieved that Johnny's not asking more uncomfortable questions, and seeing the opportunity not to break his stride, agrees.
Johnny hops on and daddy starts going to town. Pretty soon mommy starts moaning and gasping. Johnny cries out ”Hang on tight, Daddy! This is the part where me and the milkman usually get bucked off!“
Little Johnny comes home from school one day. His mother asks ”How was school?“
Little Johnny replies, ”I had sex for the first time today!“
Little Johnny's mother is infuriated. She tells Little Johnny to go to his room and wait for his father to get home. Later, Little Johnny's father comes to his room, sits down and says, ”Don't tell your mother but congratulations my boy! Sex is great, isn't it?“
The next day, Little Johnny comes home and his father asks, ”Did you have sex again today, Little Johnny?“
Little Johnny replies, ”No, my ass still hurts from yesterday.“
One Friday morning, a teacher came up with a novel way to motivate her class. She told them that she would read a quote and the first student to correctly identify who said it would receive the rest of the day off. She started with ”This was England's finest hour.“
Little Suzy instantly jumped up and said, ”Winston Churchill.“
”Congratulations,“ said the teacher, ”You may go home early.“
The teacher then said, ”Ask not what your country can do for you, but..“ Before she could finish the quote, another young lady belts out, ”John F. Kennedy!“
”Very good,“ says the teacher, ”You may go also.“
Irritated that he has missed two golden opportunities, Little Johnny said, ”I wish those girls would just shut up.“
Upon overhearing this comment, the outraged teacher demanded to know who said it. Johnny instantly rose to his feet and said, ”Bill Clinton. I'll see you Monday.“
Johnny was not a very good student and could always be depended upon to say something vulgar at a moment's notice. One day in class the teacher was talking about poetry, one of Johnny's favorite subjects.
The teacher had Mary stand up and recite a poem. She recited the poem, ”Mary Had a Little Lamb“ and Johnny muttered in the back of the room, ”Ain't that a bunch of shit!“
The teacher decided to ignore Johnny in the hope that he would stop these mutterings. She then had Jimmy stand up and recite ”Hey Diddle Diddle.“ Johnny muttered in the back again, ”Ain't that a bunch of shit“!
After two more poems and two more mutterings, the teacher said, ”Johnny! I want you to go out and stand in the hall. You will not be allowed back in the class room until you have made up a rhyme and recite it to the class. And there better not be any
swear words in it!“
Even Johnny didn't like standing idly in the hall so he came up with a rhyme and asked the teacher to allow him back in. ”Okay, Johnny, let us hear your rhyme.“
Johnny recited, ”As I was standing in the hall, I saw a cockroach run up the wall.“
The teacher says, ”That was pretty good Johnny but, I want you to repeat it. This time, leave the ‘cock’ out.“
Johnny thinks a minute, then says, ”As I was standing in the hall, I saw a roach run up the wall……… with his cock out! Ain't that a bunch of SHIT!“
Johnny was not a very good student and could always be depended upon to say something vulgar at a moment's notice. One day in class the teacher was talking about poetry, one of Johnny's favorite subjects.
The teacher had Mary stand up and recite a poem. She recited the poem, ”Mary Had a Little Lamb“ and Johnny muttered in the back of the room, ”Ain't that a bunch of shit!“
The teacher decided to ignore Johnny in the hope that he would stop these mutterings. She then had Jimmy stand up and recite ”Hey Diddle Diddle.“ Johnny muttered in the back again, ”Ain't that a bunch of shit“!
After two more poems and two more mutterings, the teacher said, ”Johnny! I want you to go out and stand in the hall. You will not be allowed back in the class room until you have made up a rhyme and recite it to the class. And there better not be any
swear words in it!“
Even Johnny didn't like standing idly in the hall so he came up with a rhyme and asked the teacher to allow him back in. ”Okay, Johnny, let us hear your rhyme.“
Johnny recited, ”As I was standing in the hall, I saw a cockroach run up the wall.“
The teacher says, ”That was pretty good Johnny but, I want you to repeat it. This time, leave the ‘cock’ out.“
Johnny thinks a minute, then says, ”As I was standing in the hall, I saw a roach run up the wall……… with his cock out! Ain't that a bunch of SHIT!“
A salesman rang the door bell and little Johnny answered. The salesman asked if his father was at home. Johnny said, ”Yes.“
The salesman said, ”Well, can I see him please?“
Johnny snickered and said, ”No, he is in the shower.“
Then the salesman asked if his mother was at home. Johnny said, ”Yes.“
The salesman said,” Well, can I see her?“
Johnny snickered again and said, ”No, she's in the shower too.“
The salesman then asked, ”Do you think they will be out soon?“
Johnny laughed this time and said ”No.“
The salesman asked why. ”Well,“ Johnny said, ”When my dad asked me for the Vaseline, I gave him some super glue!“
It seems little farm boy Johnny accidentally overturned his wagon load of corn. The farmer who lived nearby heard the noise. ”Hey Johnny!!“ the farmer yelled. ”Forget your troubles. Come in with us. Then I'll help you get the wagon up.“
”That's mighty nice of you, “ Johnny answered, ”But I don't think daddy would like me to.“
”Aw, come on,“ the farmer insisted.
”Well okay,“ the boy finally agreed, and added, ”But daddy won't like it.“
After a hearty dinner, Johnny thanked his host. ”I feel a lot better now, but I know daddy is going to be real upset.“
”Don't be foolish !“ the neighbor said with a smile. ”By the way, where is he?“
”Under the wagon.“
One night little Johnny was lying asleep in his bed and was awakened by a noise. He lay there for a second and realized it was coming from his parents' room. He jumped up and ran to their room only to find them awake, having sex. He just stared wide eyed at them for a while, not knowing what they were doing. He walked a little closer to the bed and said, ”Daddy?“, voice quivering, afraid and unaware of what they were doing. ”What are you and Mommy doing?“
The Dad jumped a little, startled, rolled over to see his son. ”Well, Johnny, I'm…um… You know how you were wanting a baby brother?“
”Yes…“ replied little Johnny in a timid voice.
”Well, I'm a putting little brother in your Mommy for you.“
Johnny smiled and said, ”Oh, ok!“ and left the room feeling safe and secure. The Dad felt good about himself for his witty and quick, on-the-spot answer and rolled over to fall asleep in his wife's arms.
The next day after work, Daddy came home to find Johnny sitting on the grass crying. ”What's wrong???“ Daddy asked as he picked his son up filled with concern.
”Daddy! You…you know.. *sniff* my little brother that you put in Mommy???“
”Yes…“ the Dad replied nervously.
”The Mailman ate him this morning!“
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. On this particular day, the teacher wanted to ask her class which part of the body went to heaven first. One little girl raised her hand and said, ”I think your mind goes to heaven first because you have to have a mind in order to believe in God.“
The teacher praises the little girl as a little boy raises his hand. He says, ”I think your heart goes to heaven first because God is all about love.“
Very good,” said the teacher. The teacher looked up and saw Little Johnny's hand up. “Oh no,” she thought, “I'm not gonna like this.”
“Little Johnny, which part of the body do you think goes to heaven first?”
Little Johnny says, “Your feet.”
The teacher asked him why he thought your feet go to heaven first. He replied, “Well, I was walking past my parents' bedroom last night and my mom had her feet up in the air and she said, ‘Oh God, I’m coming!'”
One day Little Johnny went to his father and asked him if he could buy him a $200 bicycle for his birthday. Johnny's father said, “We have a $100,000 mortgage on the house and you want me to buy you a bicycle? Wait until Christmas.”
Christmas came around and Johnny asked again. The father said, “Well, the mortgage is still extremely high. I'm really sorry about that. Ask me again some other time.”
About two days later, the boy was seen walking out of the house with all of his worldly possessions in a suitcase. The father asked why he was leaving. Little Johnny said, “Yesterday I was walking past your room and I heard you say that you were pulling out, and Mommy said that you should wait because she was coming too – and DAMN if I'm going to get stuck with a $100,000 mortgage!”
Little Johnny had become a real nuisance while his father tried to concentrate on his Saturday afternoon poker game with friends and relatives. His father tried every way possible to get Johnny to occupy himself…television, ice cream, homework, video games…but the youngster insisted on running back and forth behind the players and calling out the cards they held.
The other players became so annoyed that they threatened to quit the game and all go home. At this point, the boy's uncle stood up, took Johnny by the hand, and led him out of the room. The uncle soon returned back to the poker table without Johnny, and without comment the game resumed.
For the rest of the afternoon, little Johnny was nowhere to be seen and the card players continued without any further interruptions. After the poker game ended, the father asked Johnny's uncle, “What in the world did you say to Johnny? I haven't heard a peep from him all day!”
“Not much,” the boy's uncle replied. “I just showed him how to masturbate.”
The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, “Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?”
“I'm in love,” the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, “With whom?”
“With YOU!” he said.
“But Johnny,” she said gently, “don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child.”
“Oh, don't worry,” the boy said reassuringly, “I'll use a rubber!”
Little Johnny was sitting in class one day. All of the sudden, he needed to go to the bathroom. He yelled out, “Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!”
The teacher replied, “Now, Johnny, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation. The correct word you want to use is ‘urinate.’ Please use the word ‘urinate’ in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go.”
Little Johnny thinks for a bit, then says, “You're an eight, but if you had bigger tits, you'd be a ten!!!”
búið í bili
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Hugi notar vefkökur til að bæta notendaupplifun á vefsíðunni og greina umferð um hana.
Einnig hefur Hugi uppfært persónuverndarstefnu sína.