* Hello, you've reached Simon and Sandy. We can't pick up the phone right now, because we're doing something we really enjoy. Sandy likes doing it up and down, and I like doing it left to right… real slowly. So leave a message, and when we're done brushing our teeth we'll get back to you.

* Hi, this is John. If you are the phone company, I've already sent the money. If you are my parents, please send money. If you are my financial aid institution, you didn't lend me enough money. If you are my friends, you owe me money. If you are a female, don't worry, I have plenty of money.

* Hi, I'm probably home, I'm just avoiding someone I don't like. Leave me a message, and if I don't call back, it's you.

* Please leave a message. However, you have the right to remain silent. Everything you say will be recorded and will be used by us.

* (Sexy female voice with heavy panting) Hi, you've reached 555-3456. John is in… (sigh) Oh no, he's out…(aah) Yes, he's in again…(ooh) No he's out… (aah) Why don't you just leave your name and number and he'll call you as soon as he… comes.

* Hi! John's answering machine is broken. This is his refrigerator. Please speak very slowly, and I'll stick your message to myself with one of these magnets.

* This is not an answering machine – this is a telepathic thought-recording device. After the tone, think about your name, your reason for calling, and a number where I can reach you, and I'll think about returning your call.

* Hello, epicenter of the Universe, God speaking. If you leave your name, number, and prayer after the tone, I will call you back as soon as I can. Please note that I answer all prayers, but sometimes the answer is NO. Bless you, my child, and have a nice day.

* A is for academics, B is for beer. One of those reasons is why we're not here. So leave a message.

* Hi, I'm not home right now but my answering machine is, so you can talk to it instead. Wait for the beep.

* Hello, you are talking to a machine. I am capable of receiving messages. My owners do not need siding, windows, or a hot tub, and their carpets are clean. They give to charity through their office and do not need their picture taken. If you're still with me, leave your name and number and they will get back to you.

* Hi, this is George. I'm sorry I can't answer the phone right now. Leave a message, and then wait by your phone until I call you back.

* If you are a burglar, then we're probably at home cleaning our weapons right now and can't come to the phone. Otherwise, we probably aren't home and it's safe to leave us a message.