There's a debate between an optimist and a pessimist. The optimist says “This is the best of all possible worlds!” The pessimist responds, “Yeah!”
How many apathetics does it take to change a light bulb? Answer: Who cares?
My favorite movie review: “This movie wasn't released, it escaped!”

Do you know that program for Windows beginners named “Bob for Windows?” They're working on a version for the Mac – they're calling it “Bob for Apples.”

What did the L.A gang member say when the houses fell on him during the big earthquake? “Get off me, homes.”

I think kids these days aren't being educated very well. I saw a boy reading a book about Abraham Lincoln, so I said “Are you to the part where he gets assassinated?” He said “You spoiled it! Now why should I finish it?”

Another time I heard this answer to a science question: “Carbon Monoxide is an odorless gas, and if you smell it, you're in real trouble!”

I visited a school and asked “What is the biggest problem on this campus: Ignorance, Apathy, or Isolation?” Right away someone said “I don't know, I don't care, Leave me alone!”

A small, rich country decided to take on a space mission no one else wanted. They called up NASA about their plans. NASA said “You can't fly to the sun! You'll burn up! They responded, ”Yes, we thought of that – so we're going at night!"

Logical proof that Ray Charles is God:

1. God is Love.
2. Love is Blind.
3. Ray Charles is Blind.
4. Ray Charles is God.