15 Brandarar, sumir langir og aðrir stuttir. Þessir brandarar tengjast allir hátíðardögum, fyrst hrekkjavaka, síðan Christmas (jól, fyrir þá sem ekki vita ;>) og að lokum páskar og ég set þetta upp eins og hinar greinarnar mínar =)

Skemmtið ykkur frábærlega og það mun örugglega koma ein grein í viðbót fyrir jólin! Have fun everyone, munið að ég er að gera þetta til að skemmta ykkur, ekki til að fá skítköst á mig. Þið vitið að þið megið sleppa því hér? Alltílagi (-=


Hrekkjavökubrandarar!

—1.
| Pedos Love Halloween |
Q: Why do pedophiles love Halloween so much?

A: Free delivery



—2.
| Costume Mix Up | *

A couple was getting ready to go to a Halloween party but the wife had a terrible headache. She told her husband to go anyway. After a short argument he agreed, and she took some aspirin and went to bed.

Later she awoke and felt great, so she decided to go to the party and see what her hubby did when she wasn't around. As soon as she arrived, she noticed him on the dance floor getting very friendly with every hottie in the place, and groping them when he could.

She then cut in and rubbed close to him. When the song ended, he leaned over and whispered in her ear, “Let's go outside.” So the two costumed characters snuck off and occupied themselves in one of the parked cars.

Midnight was to be the unveiling of the party-goers, so she slipped out and went home before the clock struck twelve.

When he got home she asked, “How was the party? Did you meet any interesting people?”

He replied, ‘'You know me, dear. I don’t have a good time when you're not with me. I ran into a few friends and we ended up in the basement playing poker. It wasn't very fun at all. But the guy I loaned my costume to told me he had the time of his life!“


—3.
| Little Angel |

One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes.

She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful. The woman said, ”what are you supposed to say sweetheart?“

The little girl looks up at the woman and says ”Twick or Tweat!“

The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, ”Go ahead honey say it just one more time.“

Once again the little Angel looks up and says, ”Twick or Tweat!“

The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.

The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, ”Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my f**king cookies!


—4.
| Chance Meeting |

A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home.

When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork.

“Who are you?” he asked.

“I'm the Devil,” she responded.

Taking off his hat he said “Pleased to finally meet you sir,” “I married your sister.”


—5.
| Just a Costume |


A nun gets into a cab and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why is he staring and he replies, “I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.”

She answers, “My dear son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”

“Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun perform oral sex on me.”

She responds, “Well, let's see what we can do about that: First you have to be single and secondly you must be Catholic.”

The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single and I'm Catholic too!”

The nun says, “O.K., pull into the next alley.”

He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

“My dear child, why are you crying?”

“Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.”

The nun replies “That's okay, my name's Jerry and this is just my Halloween costume!”

–
Kristmas brandarar ;)

—6.
| Santa isn't connected |

As a little girl climbed onto Santa's lap, Santa asked the usual, “And what would you like for Christmas?”

The child stared at him open mouthed and horrified for a minute, then gasped,

“Didn't you get my E-mail?”


—7.
| Carol's | *


Three men die in a car accident Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at

the pearly gates waiting to enter Heaven. On entering they must present something “Christmassy” to show they remember the holiday, or off to hell they go.

The first man searches his pocket, and finds some Mistletoe, so he is allowed in.

The second man presents a candy cane, so he too is allowed in.

The third man pulls out a pair of panties. Confused at this last gesture, St. Peter asks, “How do these represent Christmas?”

The man responded, “They're Carol's.”

—8.
| The Three Wise Men |

In a small Southern town there was a “Nativity Scene” that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it. One small feature bothered me. The three wise men were wearing firemen's helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, I left.

At a “Quick Stop” on the edge of town, I asked the lady behind the counter about the helmets. She exploded into a rage, yelling at me, “You Yankees never do read the Bible!” I assured her that I did, but simply couldn't recall anything about firemen in the Bible.

She jerked her Bible from behind the counter and ruffled through some pages, and finally jabbed her finger at a passage. Sticking it in my face she said, “See, it says right here, ‘The three wise man came from afar.’”


—9.
| A Whiner |

At a monastery high in the mountains, the monks have a rigid vow of silence. Only at Christmas can the monk speak, and then only two words, and only to the head monk.

On his first Christmas there, Brother Thomas is allowed to speak and he says, “More Blankets” Silence ensues for 365 days.

The next Christmas, Brother Thomas speaks to the head monk again, and says “More Food”.

Once again, silence for 366 days (it's leap year). The following Christmas, Brother Thomas speaks to the head monk and says, “I'm leaving.”

The head monk responded "Good, you've done nothing but bitch since you've got here.


–
Easter brandarararar

—10.
| Didn't use the gift |

One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!”

—11.
| What is Easter? | *

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question. The question posed by St. Peter is “What is Easter”?

The first blonde replies, “Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful…” “Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!” replies St. Peter.

He turns to the second blonde, and asks her the same question: “What is Easter?” The second blonde replies, “Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus.”

St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven.

He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, “Do YOU know what Easter is”? The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, “I know what Easter is.” “Oh?” says St Peter, incredulously. “Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder.” St Peter smiled broadly with delight. The third blonde continued… “Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter.”

—12.
| Easter Bunny is Dead | *

A man was blissfully driving along the highway, when he saw the Easter Bunny hopping across the middle of the road. He swerved to avoid hitting the Bunny, but unfortunately the rabbit jumped in front of his car and was hit. The basket of eggs went flying all over the place.

The driver, being a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulled over to the side of the road, and got out to see what had become of the Bunny carrying the basket. Much to his dismay, the colorful Bunny was dead. The driver felt guilty and began to cry.

A blonde driving down the same highway saw the man crying on the side of the road and pulled over. She stepped out of her car and asked the man what was wrong.

“I feel terrible,” he explained, “I accidentally hit the Easter Bunny and killed it. There may not be an Easter because of me. What should I do?”

The blonde told the man not to worry. She knew exactly what to do. She went to her car trunk, and pulled out a spray can. She walked over to the limp, dead Bunny, and sprayed the entire contents of the can onto the little furry animal.

Miraculously the Easter Bunny came to back life, jumped up, picked up the spilled eggs and candy, waved its paw at the two humans and hopped on down the road. 50 yards away the Easter Bunny stopped, turned around, waved and hopped on down the road another 50 yards, turned, waved, hopped another 50 yards and waved again!

The man was astonished. He said to the woman, “What in heaven's name is in your spray can? What was it that you sprayed on the Easter Bunny?” The blonde turned the can around so that the man could read the label. It said: “Hair spray. Restores life to dead hair. Adds permanent wave.”

—13.
| Jesus is Back |

John says, “The good news is Christ is risen.”

Peter says, “That's great! But, what's the bad news?”

John, looking around, says, “He's pretty pissed about last Friday.”

—14.
| Westinghouse |

A lady opened her refrigerator and saw the Easter Bunny sitting on one of the shelves.

“What are you doing in there?” she asked.

The Easter Bunny replied: “This is a Westinghouse, isn't it?” to which the lady replied, “Yes.”

“Well,” the Easter Bunny said, “I'm westing.”

—15.
| Secret Service | **

A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands. He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside The Pastor said to him, “You need to join the Army of the Lord!”

My friend replied, “I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor.” ]

The Pastor questioned, “How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?”

He whispered back, “I'm in the secret service. ”