Biðst innilegrar afsökunar ef einhver móðgast af þeim, vil biðja fólk um að sleppa því að segja að brandarar séu gamlir, enda er það óþarfi =) En Hér er samansafn af nokkrum barna-bröndurum sem ég fékk sent í emaili frá vini, vildi endilega deila þeim með ykkur því ég skellihló af mörgum þeirra

<|;-)-<

—1.
|Gay Parents|

Two gay men decide to have a baby. They mix their

sperm, and then have a surrogate mother artificially

inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the

hospital. A dozen babies are in the ward, eleven of

whom are crying and screaming. Over in the corner,

one is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by and to the

gays' delight she points out the happy child as

theirs.

“Isn't it wonderful?” one fruitcake says to the

other. “All these unhappy children and ours is so

happy.”

The nurse says, “Oh sure, he's happy now. But just

watch what happens when we take the pacifier out of

his ass.”

— 2.
|Math Homework|

A little boy was doing his math homework.

He said to himself, “Two plus five, that son of a

bitch is seven. Three plus six, that son of a bitch

is nine….” His mother heard what he was saying and

gasped, “What are you doing?”
The little boy answered, “I'm doing my math homework,

Mom.” “And this is how your teacher taught you to do

it?” the mother asked. “Yes,” he answered.

Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next

day, “What are you teaching my son in math?”
The teacher replied, “Right now, we are learning

addition.” The mother asked, “And are you teaching

them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is

four?” After the teacher stopped laughing, she

answered, “What I taught them was, two plus two, THE

SUM OF WHICH, is four.

— 3.
|Junior|

There's a little fellow named Junior who hangs out

at the local grocery store. The manager doesn't know

what Junior's problem is, but the boys like to tease

him. They say he is two bricks short of a load, or

his elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.

To prove it, sometimes the boys offer Junior his

choice between a nickel and a dime. He always takes

the nickel, they say, because it's bigger.

One day after Junior grabbed the nickel, the store

manager got him off to one side and said, ”Junior,

those boys are making fun of you. They think you

don't know the dime is worth more than the nickel.

Are you grabbing the nickel because it's bigger, or

what?“

Junior said, ”Well, if I took the dime, they'd quit

doing it!“

— 4.
|Hide and Seek|

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his

employees about an urgent problem with one of the

main computers. He dialed the employee's home phone

number and was greeted with a child's whispered,

”Hello?“

Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to

talk to a youngster the boss asked, ”Is your Daddy

home?“ ”Yes“, whispered the small voice. ”May I talk

with him?“ the man asked. To the surprise of the

boss, the small voice whispered, ”No.“ Wanting to

talk with an adult, the boss asked, ”Is your Mommy

there?“ ”Yes“, came the answer. ”May I talk with

her?“ Again the small voice whispered, ”No.“

Knowing that it was not likely that a young child

would be left home alone the boss decided he would

just leave a message with the person who should be

there watching over the child. ”Is there any one

there besides you?“ the boss asked the child.

”Yes“ whispered the child, ”a policeman.“ Wondering

what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the

boss asked, ”May I speak with the policeman?“ ”No,

he's busy,“ whispered the child. ”Busy doing what?“

asked the boss. ”Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the

Fireman“, came the whispered answer.

Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what

sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on

the phone the boss asked, ”What is that noise?“ ”A

hello-copper“ answered the whispering voice. ”What is

going on there?“ asked the boss, now alarmed.

In an awed whispering voice the child answered, ”The

search team just landed the hello-copper.“ Alarmed,

concerned, and more than just a little frustrated the

boss asked, ”What are they searching for?“ Still

whispering, the young voice replied along with a

muffled giggle: ”Me!“

— 5.
|Santa's gift|

A City cop was on his horse waiting to cross the

street when a little girl on her new shiny bike

stopped beside him. ”Nice bike,“ the cop said ”did

Santa bring it to you?“ ”Yep,“ the little girl said,

”he sure did!“ The cop looked the bike over and

handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety

violation.The cop said, ”Next year tell Santa to put

a reflector light on the back of it.“ The young girl

looked up at the cop and said, ”Nice horse you got

there sir, did Santa bring it to you?“ ”Yes, he sure

did,“ chuckled the cop. The little girl looked up at

the cop and said, ”Next year tell Santa the dick goes

underneath the horse, not on top.“

— 6.
|Period|

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to

find out about something exciting and relate it to

the class the next day. When the time came to present

what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to

the front of the class made a small white dot on the

blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher

asked him just what it was.

”It's a period,'' said the little boy.

“Well, I can see that,'' she said, ‘'but what is so

exciting about a period?’'

''Damned if I know,'' said the little boy, ‘'but this

morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart

attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot

himself.”

— 7.
|Leroy|


A woman walks into the downtown welfare office,

trailed by 15 kids… “WOW,” the social worker

exclaims, “Are they ALL YOURS???” “Yep they are all

mine,” the flustered mumma sighs, having heard that

question a thousand times before. She says, “Sit down

Leroy. All the children rush to find seats.

”Well,“ says the social worker, then you must be here

to sign up. I’ll need all your children's names.”

“This one's my oldest - he is Leroy.” “OK, and who's

this one?” Well, this one he is Leroy, also.“ The

social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by

one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named

Leroy. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl,

named Leighroy!

”All right…“ says the caseworker, ”I'm seeing a

pattern here. Are they ALL named Leroy?“ Their Momma

replied, ”Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is

time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I

just yell ‘Leroy!’ An' when it's time for dinner, I

just yell ‘Leroy!’ an' they all come a runnin.' An

'if I need to stop the kid who's running into the

street, I just yell ‘Leroy’ and all of them stop.

It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all

Leroy.“

The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then

wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, ”But what

if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole

bunch?“ ”Ah, that's so easy,“ said the momma. ”Then I

calls them by their last names.“

— 8.

|Cursing Problem|

Young Justin has a cursing problem, and his father’s

getting tired of it.

He decides to ask a shrink what to do. The shrink

says, “Negative reinforcement. Since Christmas is

coming up, ask Justin what he wants from Santa. If he

curses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile

of dog poop in place of each gift he requests.”

Two days before Christmas, Justin’s father asks him

what he wants for Christmas. “I want a damn teddy

bear lying beside me when I wake up. When I go

downstairs, I want to see a damn train going around

the damn tree. And when I go outside, I want to see a

damn bike leaning up against the damn garage.”

On Christmas morning, Justin wakes up and rolls into

a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walks downstairs and

sees another pile under the tree. He walks outside,

looks at a huge pile of dog poo by the garage, and

walks inside. His dad smiles and asks, “What did

Santa bring you this year?”

Justin replies, “I think I got a goddamn dog, but I

can’t find the son of a bitch!”

— 9.
|Fascinate|

The teacher asked her students to use the word

'fascinate' in a sentence. Mary said, ”My family went

to the New York City Zoo, and we saw all the animals.

It was fascinating.“
The teacher said, ”That was good, but I wanted the

word ‘fascinate’.“
Sally raised her hand. She said, ”My family went to

the Philadelphia Zoo and saw the animals. I was

fascinated.“
The teacher said, ”Good, but I wanted the word

'fascinate'.“
Little Johnny Siebert raised his hand. The teacher

hesitated because Johnny was noted for his bad

language. She finally decided there was no way he

could damage the word ‘fascinate’ so she called on

him.
Johnny said, ”My sister has a sweater with 10

buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten

eight.“

— 10.
|What's He Like?|

A little boy was lost at a large shopping mall.

He approached a uniformed security guard and said,

”I've lost my grandpa!“

The cop asked, ”What's he like?“

The little boy replied, ”Jack Daniels and women with

big boobs."

—————
Tók mig rosalega langan tíma að skella þessu saman því þetta var allt í klessu, gera bil á milli þeirra og setja nöfnin á réttan stað. Og númera þá. Auðvitað eru þetta ekki brandarar sem að ég samdi sjálfur, né vinur minn. En ég vona að þið skemmtið ykkur vel =)