Two unemployed guys are talking. One says, “I'm going to become a lion tamer.”

The other replies, “That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming.”

“Yes I do!”

“Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?”

“Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.”

“Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?”

“Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.”

“Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?”

“Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.”

“Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?”

“Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of
the cage.”

“Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?”

“Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.”










One night a robber broke into a home and heard a voice say, “Jesus is watching you!” while he rumagged through the desk.

He replied, “Who said that?!”

Once again he heard the same thing, “Jesus is watching you!”

The robber looked around the room only to see a parrot. He asked the parrot what its name was. The parrot replied, “Cornelius.”

The robber said, “What kind of a name is that?! Who names a parrot that?!”

The parrot said, “The same person who named that rottweiler behind you Jesus!”









Farmer Joe decided his injuries from his recent accident were serious enough to take the trucking company responsible for the accident to court.

In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning farmer Joe.
“Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”

“Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the–”

“I didn't ask for any details,” the lawyer interrupted. “Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, that you were fine?”

“Well I had just got Bessie into the trailer and was driving down the road–”

“Judge, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine.

Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question.”

By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer and told the lawyer so.

“Well,” said the farmer, “as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side.

I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move.

However, I could hear ol' Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans.

Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.

Then the Patrolman came across the road with his gun in his hand and looked at me.

He said, ”Your mule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?“










A man on a business trip in Mexico decides to take in a bull fight. After the event, he stops in to the little dive next to the venue called ”The Matador“.

As he checks out the menu trying to decide what he wants he sees a waiter bring a dish to another customer.

The dish is spaghetti with these two huge meat balls. When the waiter comes to his table, he inquires. ”That is the
Matador Special“ replies the waiter. ”Spaghetti and Bull testicles. We get them after the bull fight. It is exquisite!“

”That's what I'll have!“, says the businessman.

”I'm very sorry senor, but that dish is only available once per day“.

Disappointed, the man orders another dish and plans to try again the next day.

So again, the next day he goes to the bull fights, and afterwards stops into the dive. Just as the waiter is coming to his table, he sees another waiter bringing the ”Matador Special“ to another customer who was there before him.

”Damn!“ he says to himself. ”And tomorrow's my last day here.“

So the next day, he skips the bull fight, and stands in line at the cafe. He is the first one seated, and proudly
proclaims, ”I'll have the Matador Special!“

”Very well, senor!“ responds the waiter. Soon afterwards, the waiter brings out his dish, but the meat balls are disappointingly small. Very small, as a matter of fact.

”What's with this!“ the now angry man shouts.

”I'm very sorry, senor“ said the waiter, ”but the bull does not always lose!“










Once upon a time, there was a cat who died. When she got to heaven, God asked her how she liked being on earth. She told the Lord that it was awful – she had to sleep in cold back alleys, where there was no food and life was hard. God told her that he was sorry it had had turned out that way – but here, in heaven, she would be happy and He would give her the most comfortable, warm pillow to sleep on.

The cat laid down upon the pillow and was happy.

A few days later, about a dozen mice that came to heaven together and God asked them how they had liked earth.

The earth was no better for them than it was the cat.

They explained to God that it was tough and exhausting and their feet were worn out from always running from cats and dogs and people. God felt bad for the mice and decided to give them rollerskates.

One day God sees the cat again and asked her how she was liking heaven. She explained that it was absolutely wonderful.

The pillow he gave her was the most comfortable place that she had ever slept on, but even better than the pillow were the meals on wheels.










It's a beautiful, warm spring morning and a man and his wife are spending the day at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless with straps. He's wearing his normal jeans and a T-shirt. The zoo is not very busy this morning.

As they walk through the ape exhibit, they pass in front of a very large hairy gorilla. Noticing the girl, the gorilla goes ape. (No pun intended)

He jumps up on the bars, and holding on with one hand (and 2 feet), he grunts and pounds his chest with his free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, thinks this is funny. He suggests that his wife teases the poor fellow some more. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom at him, and play along.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.

Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall to show a little more skin.

She does, and Mr. Gorilla is about to tear the bars down.

”Now try lifting your dress up your thighs and sort of fan it at him.“ he says…. this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy and now he's doing flips.

Then the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, flings her in with the gorilla and slams the cage door shut.

”Now, tell HIM you have a headache."