Fyrir langa löngu hvarf Guð úr himnaríki í heila 6 daga.

Mikael erkiengill fann hann loks á sjöunda degi þar sem hann var að hvíla sig. Hann spurði Guð: “Hvar hefur þú verið?”

Guð andvarpaði af ánægju og benti stoltur niður í gegnum skýin. “Sjáðu Mikael, sjáðu hvað ég hef skapað” sagði hann spenntur.

Mikael horfði undrandi á og spurði, “Hvað er þetta?”

“Þetta er pláneta” svaraði Guð, ,, og á henni hef ég skapað LÍF. Ég mun kalla hana JÖRÐ, og þetta verður staður þar sem ríkja mun fullkomið jafnvægi“.

”Jafnvægi?“ spurði Mikael, ennþá undrandi.

Guð hóf að útskýra hina ýmsu hluta jarðarinnar. ”Sjáðu til, Norður-Ameríka verður staður tækifæra og velsældar, meðan Suður-Ameríka verður fátæk. Mið-Austurlönd, þarna hinu megin verður hitasvæði. Þarna megin er heimsálfa full af hvítu fólki og hinu megin er heimsálfa full af svörtu fólki.“ Guð hélt áfram og benti á hin ýmsu lönd. ”Þetta land verður óskaplega heitt og þurrt, meðan þetta verður mjög kalt og þakið ís.“

Erkiengillinn, sem var mjög hrifinn af þessu sköpunarverki, benti á lítinn punkt á jörðinni og spurði, ,”Hvað er þetta?“

”Ah,“ sagði Guð, ,,Þetta er LIVERPOOL, stórkostlegasti staður jarðarinnar. Þar er stórkostlegt útsýni hvert sem litið er. Fólkið í Liverpool er hógvært, gáfað og með góða kímnigáfu. Þau munu ekki hræðast að hlægja að sjálfum sér. Þau munu ferðast um allan heiminn. Þau munu verða mjög mannblendin, dugleg og afkastamikil. En þau munu ávallt halda tryggð við heimaborg sína og munu aldrei gleyma uppruna sínum. Þau munu dreifa gleði og aðdáun hvert sem þeu fara.”

Mikael gapti af undrun og aðdáun, en sagði svo, “Hvað með jafnvægið Guð? Þú sagðir að þarna myndi jafnvægið ríkja.”

Guð svaraði spekingslega,

“Bíddu þar til þú sérð aumingjana sem ég ætla að setja við hliðina á þeim í Manchester.”

Upprunalegur texti:

Once upon a time in the Kingdom of Heaven, God went missing for six whole days.

Eventually Michael the Archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. he inquired of God, “Where have you been?”

God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction, and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds. “Look Michael, look what I''ve made” he said excitedly.

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”

“It''s a planet” replied God, “and I''ve put LIFE on it. I''m going to call it EARTH, and it''s going to be a place of great balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of the Earth. “For example, North America will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while South America is going to be poor. The Middle east over there will be a hot spot. Over there I''ve placed a continent of white people, and
over there a continent of black people.” God continued, pointing to different countries. “This one will be extremely hot and arid, while
this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel, impressed by God''s work then pointed to a small dot in the middle of a small land mass and asked, “What''s that?”

“Ah,” said God, “That''s LIVERPOOL, the most glorious place on the Earth. There is beautiful scenery with breathtaking views. The people of Liverpool will be modest, intelligent and humorous. They will not be afraid to laugh at themselves. They will be found travelling the world.
They will be extremely sociable, hard working, and high achieving. But they will remain loyal to their town and never for get their roots. They will spread happiness and admiration wherever they go.”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then proclaimed, “What about balance GOD, you said there would be balance.”

God replied wisely,

“Wait until you see the w*nkers I''m putting next to them in
Manchester.”

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Cindy Crawford, Bill Gates and Saddam Hussein were hanging out.
Cindy says: I''m da most beautiful girl in da world.
Bill Gates says: I''m da most richest dude in da world.
Saddam Hussein says: I''m da most hated man in da world.
They are all very proud of their assertions.

Cindy Crawford says: I''ve got a truth mirror in my house.
It gives u all the truthful answers. Wanna see it?
So they all go to Cindy''s house.
Cindy comes out 2 mins later . She is happy, and she says: I am right!
the mirror says I''m da most beautiful girl in da world!
5 mins later, Bill Gates comes out. He is happy, and he says: I''m right!
the mirror of truth says i''m da most richest dude in da world!
10 mins later, Saddam comes out . He is furious.
He says: WHO THE HELL IS DAVID BECKHAM!???!!!

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A man desperate at Utd''s current situation decides to top himself. In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full United kit as his last statement. A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police. On arrival, the police quickly remove the Utd kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why. The policeman simply replies, “it''s to avoid embarrassing your family.”

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A Liverpool fan and a Man Utd fan were sentenced to death by firing squad. The officer in charge asked the Man Utd fan if he had a last request. ‘'Yes’' replied the Man Utd Fan, ‘'I’'m a keen Man Utd Supporter, and I videoed the last game Man Utd played. Could I watch the video before I die?'' ‘'No Problem’', replied the officer, ‘'I’'ll get the men to rig up a large screen, and you can watch it from here''. Then turning to the Liverpool fan, he asked ‘'And what about you, do you have a last request?’' ‘'Yes’', he replied, ‘'Shoot me first’'.

———————————-

Four surgeons are having a coffee break. 1st surgeon says “Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.” 2nd surgeon says “Nah, librarians are best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.” 3rd surgeon says “Try electricians, man! Everything inside them is colour coded.” 4th surgeon says “I prefer Man U fans. They''re gutless, spineless, heartless and their heads and a**es are interchangeable.”

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Q: How many Man Utd fans does it take to change a lightbulb…?

Answer One… Seven, one to change it, five to moan about it and Ferguson to say if the ref had done his job in the first place the light bulb would have never gone out!

Answer Two… 20million, half a million to work out how to change it and 19.5 million to say they''ve been changing it for years…

A: Three. One to change the bulb, one to buy the “1999 lightbulb changing” commemorative t-shirt and video, and one to drive the other two back to Milton Keynes

A: Four. Who cares? As long as the light bulb is changed every 3 months, costs 50 quid and comes in a different colour.

What have Barry Manilow and David Beckham got in common?
They are both f**king useless singers.

Q: Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
A: They had pictures of Manchester United Players on them … and people couldn''t figure out which side to spit on.

Q: What''s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Manchester United Fan in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.

Q: If you see a Manchester United Fan on a bicycle, why should you never swerve to hit him?
A: It might be your bicycle.

Q: What do Manchester United Fans and sperm have in common?
A: One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Q: Why is the pitch at Old Trafford so green?
A: Because they keep putting lots of c**p on it.

Q: What do you have when 100 Manchester United Fans are buried up to their neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.

Q: What do Manchester United Fans use for birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: You''re trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake, and a Manchester United Fan. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the United Fan. Twice.

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A man meets a friend and sees that his friend''s car is a total write-off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, “What''s happened to your car?” “Well,” the friend replies, “I ran over David Beckham”. “OK,” says the man, “that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?”
“Well, he tried to escape through the park.”

———————————-

Walking with his wife along by the Thames, Manchester United fan, Cockney Jim noticed a bottle floating near the jellied eel stall. He knelt down on the grass, reached in, fished out the bottle. Cockney Jim''s inquisitive wife knocked the bottle over with one of her hooves and dislodged the cork thus releasing an imprisoned spirit which floated joyously back and forth across the cut and the following conversation ensued: Genie: I am the genie and I am so pleased to be released from my bottle prison by your ugly wife that I am going to grant you one wish. Now what do you want..?
CJ: Luv''a''duck, me old sparra, me wife is such a beauty, I''d love to see her win Miss World…
Genie: F*****g Hell, mate, I''m not bleeding Jesus, look at ‘'er, she’'s only got one leg, scars on her head and she is a right ugly old tramp… You had better think of something else, mate.
.. CJ: Fair enough, she is an ugly bitch, I''ve supported the Manks ever since they started winning stuff in 1994 and I''d be over the moon if you could get ‘'em back where they belong, on top of the League, and make us Champions again…
Genie: Give us another look at your wife..

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A young woman pushing her baby in a pram across Oxford Street was suddenly terrified to see a huge Rottweiler lunging towards them snarling and gnashing its huge teeth together. She thought herself and her baby were done for, when suddenly a chap rushed over, wrestled the Rottweiler to the ground and broke its neck with his bare hands! The woman almost fainted with relief and gratitude. Another chap rushed to the scene and said to the rescuer “I’'m a reporter, I saw what happened, it''s amazing, I must put it in the paper.
Wait ‘'til you read the headline - ”Arsenal fan saves mother and baby from savage Rottweiler!“… ”No, you can’'t write that“ said our hero. ”Why not?“ asked the reporter ”Because I''m not an Arsenal fan.“
”Oh, OK then, what about Chelsea fan saves mother and baby from savage Rottweiler!“… ”No, you can''t write that either“ said the chap.
”Why not?“ asked the reporter ”Because I''m not a Chelsea fan either“… ”Who do you support then?“ asked the reporter
”Manchester United“… ”Uh, right, I see. How about this then - Mank “ Bastard kills lovable family pet”…

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One day, a Liverpool fan was walking along the beach and came across an odd-looking bottle. Not being one to ignore tradition, he rubbed it and, much to his surprise, a Genie actually appeared. “For releasing me from the bottle, I will grant you three wishes,” said the Genie. The man was ecstatic. “But there''s a catch,” the Genie continued. “What catch?” asked the man, eyeing the Genie suspiciously. The Genie replied, “For each of your wishes, every Man utd supporter in the world will receive double what you asked for.” “Hey, I can live with that! No problem!” replied the elated man. “What is your first wish?” asked the Genie. “Well, I''ve always wanted a Ferrari!” Poof ! A Ferrari appeared in front of the man. “Now, every Man utd in the world has been given two Ferraris,” said the Genie. “What is your next wish?” “I could really use a million dollars…” replied the man, and Poof! One million dollars appeared at his feet. “Now, every Man utd fan in the world is two million dollars richer,” the Genie reminded the man. “Well, that''s okay, as long as I''ve got my million,” replied the Liverpool fan. “And what is your final wish?” asked the Genie. The man thought long and hard, and finally said, “Well, you know, I''ve always wanted to donate a kidney…”