Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of Manchester United players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.


Q: What has Old Trafford on a Saturday afternoon at 4.45pm got in common with Wormwood Scrubs Prison?
A: They are both full of cockneys trying to get out.


Q: How many Man U fans does it take to pave up a driveway?
A: Depends how thin you slice them.


Q. What would you call a pregnant Man United fan?
A: A dope carrier.


Q. What do you call a Manchester United fan with half a brain?
A: Gifted.


Q: How many Man United fans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 560,001. That is 1 to change it, 60,000 to say they've been changing it for years and 500,000 to buy the replica kit.


Michael Barrymore has offered Manchester United £1 million pounds to play as their striker because he wants 10 pricks behind him and 67,000 assholes jumping up and down.


Q: What do Manchester fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.


Q: What do Beckham and Posh Spice both have in common?
A: Both are f**ing bad singers!!!


Q: How many Man U supporters does it take to stop a moving Bus?
A: Never enough.


Q: What's the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
A: God doesn't think he's Alex Ferguson.


Q: What do you call a Mancunian with no arms and legs?
A: Trustworthy.


Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead Man Utd. fan?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.


Q: What's the difference between a Man-U fan and a Vibrator?
A: A Man U fan is a real dick


Q: Why can't you get a cup of tea at Old Trafford?
A: All the mugs are on the field and all the cups are at Highbury.
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The Gary Neville diaries
Friday
Put the cones out for Sir today and he glanced at me. Made me feel special. He never looks at Phil like that. Told Mum and she said I have to share but that's not fair because I got to the cones first. Moustache looks a bit thicker today.


Saturday
Won today but I didn't play Watched MUTV all night to see whether Sir said he missed me. Am sure they edited it out. Hung out with Rio until he told me to ‘go away innit’. Will tell Sir tomorrow. Deffo not a penalty today - gave that girl Boa Morte a nasty stare after the game to let him know that I know. Man in wheelchair laughed at my moustache. Cried myself to sleep.

Sunday
Took Sir an apple. But Weasley gave him a bottle of red wine so he'll probably play on Tuesday. Creep. Went to Mum's for dinner but she tried to make me eat sprouts and then laughed when I banged my fists on the kitchen lino. She won't laugh again. Read Sir's book in bed. Coloured in moustache with marker. Looks manly.

Monday
Rained at training. Marker wasn't permanent.

Tuesday (early)
Playing tonight so was definitely worth washing bibs for Sir. Looked at papers and I was in them again! Will put in scrapbook. So glad I said Porto don't act like men. Am really getting good at this mind games business. Photo on back of The Sun made my moustache look thin but Mum says it's just the ink. She says I look handsome.

Tuesday (late)
Not fair. Not fair. Not fair. It was a goal and we should of won and someone pushed me and someone tried to hurt Ronaldo and the girls dived on the floor and the referee blew the whistle before we could score and they celebrated in front of OUR fans and that made me so angry but I had to go and tell the TV that they deserved it (they didn't and I had my fingers crossed. Ha!). It's just not fair because we're the best team in the whole wide world.

Have given Philip a Chinese burn for that free-kick and told Sir to sell him.

Wednesday
Sir not happy today. He didn't even cheer up when I gave him my drawing. Wonder if he'll put it on his fridge with the others? Saw a small boy laughing at me so held him down until he said that Manchester United were the best team in the whole wide world. Feel better now. Bought some Re-Gane and put on top lip. Can't wait until the morning to see my bushy, manly ‘tache.

Thursday
Phoned David to ask him to ask Elton about hair transplants. He said he was, “too busy preparing for the quarter-finals of the Champions League”. Am going to tell Sir and then I’m going to fly to Spain and then hold him down until he says that Manchester United are the best team in the whole wide world. And I'm going to take back the Man United sovereign ring I sent him for Christmas.

Update: Mum says I can't go to Spain.

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nokkrar setningar frá gáfnaljósum knattspyrnunar:
“My parents have been there for me, ever since I was about 7.”
David Beckham

“I would not be bothered if we lost every game as long as we won the league.”
Mark Viduka

“Alex Ferguson is the best manager I've ever had at this level. Well, he's the only manager I've actually had at this level. But he's the best manager I've ever had.”
David Beckham

“If you don't believe you can win, there is no point in getting out of bed at the end of the day.”
Neville Southall

“I've had 14 bookings this season - 8 of which were my fault, but 7 of which were disputable.”
Paul Gascoigne

“I've never wanted to leave. I'm here for the rest of my life, and hopefully after that as well.”
Alan Shearer

“I'd like to play for an Italian club, like Barcelona.”
Mark Draper

“You've got to believe that you're going to win, and I believe we'll win the World Cup until the final whistle blows and we're knocked out.”
Peter Shilton

“I faxed a transfer request to the club at the beginning of the week, but let me state that I don't want to leave Leicester.”
Stan Collymore

“I was watching the Blackburn game on TV on Sunday when it flashed on the screen that George (Ndah) had scored in the first minute at Birmingham. My first reaction was to ring him up. Then I remembered he was out there playing.”
Ade Akinbiyi

“Without being too harsh on David Beckham, he cost us the match.”
Ian Wright

“I'm as happy as I can be - but I have been happier.”
Ugo Ehiogu

“Leeds is a great club and it's been my home for years, even though I live in Middlesborough.”
Jonathan Woodgate

“I can see the carrot at the end of the tunnel.”
Stuart Pearce

“I took a whack on my left ankle, but something told me it was my right.”
Lee Hendrie

“I couldn't settle in Italy - it was like living in a foreign country.”
Ian Rush

“Germany are a very difficult team to play…they had 11 internationals out there today.”
Steve Lomas

“I always used to put my right boot on first, and then obviously my right sock.”
Barry Venison

“I definitely want Brooklyn to be christened, but I don't know into what religion yet.”
David Beckham

“The Brazilians were South American, and the Ukrainians will be more European.”
Phil Neville

“All that remains is for a few dots and commas to be crossed.”
Mitchell Thomas

“One accusation you can't throw at me is that I've always done my best.”
Alan Shearer

“I'd rather play in front of a full house than an empty crowd.”
Johnny Giles

“Sometimes in football you have to score goals.”
Thierry Henry

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smá söng texti um fergie

Fergie the red nosed manager
had a very shiny nose
and if you ever saw it
you would even say it glows
all of the players and managers
used to laugh and call him names
they never let c**t ferguson
join in any football games

then one power cut champions league
sepp blatter came to say
fergie with your nose so bright
wont you be the old trafford floodlight?

then all of manchester loved him
and they shouted out with glee
fergie the red nosed manager
youll go down in history!

————————————————-

A man meets a friend and sees that his friend's car is a total write off and covered with leaves, grass, branches, dirt and blood. He asks his friend, “What's happened to your car?”

“Well,” the friend responses, “I ran over David Beckham”.

“OK,” says the man, “that explains the blood… But what about the leaves, the grass, the branches and the dirt?”

“Well, he tried to escape through the park.”


————————————————-

Ferguson is curious how Arsenal had reached the double, so he decides on a visit to London to see how Wenger coaches his team. After one day he is not really impressed by the training practices, so he asks Wenger how he gets his players so sharp.

'Well it is simple. I sometimes ask my players a difficult question, and that way they stay really sharp mentally'. Of course Fergie wants an example, so Wenger asks Bergkamp to come over to the sidelines. He asks: ‘Dennis, he is not your brother, but still he is your father’s son. Who is he?' ‘That is not difficult’, Dennis answers immediately, ‘Of course that is me’. ‘You see? That’s the way you keep them sharp', Wenger says to Fergie.

Ferguson, who wants to win the double again, decides to bring this into Man. United's practice the next day. So that day during practice he calls Beckham over to the sidelines. David, I have a question for you', he says,'He is not your brother, but still he is your father's son, who is he?'.
'My God, coach', is the Spice boy's reply, ‘That is a tough one to answer, can I sleep on that one night, and why do ask me these questions?’

Fergie explains it has to do with some continental coaching trick and agrees with the one night postponement. So that night Beckham decides to call Jaap Stam. He has played on the continent, maybe he knows something about these continental coaching methods.

'Jaap, maybe you know the answer to this question, he is not your brother, but still he is your father's son. Who is he?'. ‘That is easy, that is me!’, says Jaap Stam.

So the next day David walks full of confidence to Ferguson. Fergie asks: ‘David, do you know the answer to my question now?’.

'Yes it was actually very easy', he says, ‘It is Jaap Stam!’.

Ferguson answers:'No of course not, stupid, it is Dennis Bergkamp!!!!'


————————————————-

hafði ekkert að gera svo ég fór að leita uppi smá fótbolta brandara vonandi varð þetta ekki of langt=P