Q: Which part of a vegetable can you not eat?

A: The Wheelchair!

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The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We're sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Jones, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said, “We have some bad news, some good news, and some really great news.
Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worse, Mr. Jones said, “Give me the bad news first.”

So the policeman said, “I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay.”

“Oh my god!” said Mr. Jones, overcome by emotion.
Remembering what the cop had said, he asked, “So what's the good news?”

“Well,” said the cop, “when we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeoness crabs on her.”

“If that's the good news, then what's the great news!?!” he asked.

And the cop replied…
“We're going to pull her up again tomorrow morning!”

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Q. Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
A. Ask your mother.

Q. How do you embarrass an archeologist?
A. Give him a used tampon and ask him which period it came from.

Q. What did the cannibal do after he dumped his girlfriend?
A. Wiped his ass.

Q. What's the difference between oral sex & anal sex?
A. Oral sex makes your day, anal sex makes your hole weak.

Q. What's the difference between a bitch and a whore?
A. A whore sleeps with everybody at the party, and a bitch sleeps with everybody at the party except you.

Q. What's the difference between love, true love, and showing off?
A. Spitting, swallowing and gargling

Q. What's so good about an Ethiopian blow job?
A. You know she'll swallow.

Q. What's the difference between a Catholic wife and a Jewish wife?
A. A Catholic wife has real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Q. How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A. Two. The hard part is getting them in the light bulb.

Q. When is a pixie not a pixie?
A. When he's got his head up a fairy's skirt, then he's a goblin.'

Q. What's the definition of a Yankee?
A. Same thing as a “quickie,”only you do it yourself.

Q. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
A. The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

Q. What is the biggest problem for an atheist?
A. No one to talk to during orgasm.

Q. What do you call a smart blonde?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horse's ass?
A. A mechanic!

Q. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
A. The guy who can carry a cup of coffee in each hand and a dozen donuts.

Q. Who is the most popular girl at the nudist colony?
A. She is the one who can eat the last donut!

Q. How can you tell which is the head nurse?
A. The one with the dirty knees.

Q. What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A. A battery has a positive side.

Q. A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade:Who has the biggest tits?
A. The blonde, because she's 18.

Q. Why do men snore when they lay on their backs?
A. Because their balls fall over their asshole and they vapor lock.

Q. The three words most hated by men during sex?
A. “Are you In?” or “Is It In?”

Q. Three words women hate to hear when having sex
A. “Honey, I'm home!”

Q. Why do men take showers instead of baths?
A. Pissing in the bath is disgusting.

Q. Did you hear about the new paint called “Blonde” paint?
A. It's not very bright, but it spreads easy.

Q. Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
A. When you take it off you wonder where her tits went..

Q. When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
A. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

Q. How can you tell a macho women?
A. She rolls her own tampons.

Q: What's the leading cause of death among lesbians?
A: Hair balls.

Q: What's good on a pizza, but bad on a pussy?
A: Crust.

Q: Why does Miss Piggy douche with honey?
A: Because Kermit loves sweet and sour pork.

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